Any ladies who became the "wife" after starting out as the "other woman"?

[somanymistakes]

What I find interesting is what is deemed as successful, I shared a story here once about a relative of mine who cheated on her husband in the mid seventies ended up leaving for her AP. They stayed together until his death in 2007ish. 30 plus years and she told my mom they were 29 of the most horrible years of her life after a couple good ones.They cheated on each other the entire time but she felt it's what they both deserve. Stayed together but far from successful.

 

And yet by the "offical" metrics that people love to throw around to "prove" how few affairs work out, they would be considered successful, while a couple who stayed together, happily in love, but never married would be considered unsuccessful. Statistics never tell the whole story.

 

Right now I have no plans to get married. He feels terrible about his own marriage disaster, and I'm not sure it's something I'm comfortable with either. The way society is changing, it's not even necessary for children the way it used to be. Maybe I'll change my mind, but I don't even want to think about it for several years, not until this is far behind us.

 

As for whether cheaters are doomed to repeat it, I think it really depends on why and how it happened. If you're the sort of person who responds to boredom by seeking out new attention, that's not likely to change. If you're a flirt who falls in love easily, whether you're already in a relationship or not, then that's not likely to change either. If you thrill at the danger of sneaking around, then unless you find some other outlet for your desire to be 'bad', you will probably fall back into old habits. The man who needs the approval of younger women to prove to himself that he's still powerful is always going to be hungry for it. And so on. If you're already a serial cheater you're going to stay one.

 

But if the relationship was fundamentally flawed, like someone cheating because they were secretly gay but their parents forced them into a straight marriage? Then once they can actually live what they wanted all along, I don't think they're necessarily going to be driven to cheat.

[DKT3]

And yet by the "offical" metrics that people love to throw around to "prove" how few affairs work out, they would be considered successful, while a couple who stayed together, happily in love, but never married would be considered unsuccessful. Statistics never tell the whole story.

 

Right now I have no plans to get married. He feels terrible about his own marriage disaster, and I'm not sure it's something I'm comfortable with either. The way society is changing, it's not even necessary for children the way it used to be. Maybe I'll change my mind, but I don't even want to think about it for several years, not until this is far behind us.

 

As for whether cheaters are doomed to repeat it, I think it really depends on why and how it happened. If you're the sort of person who responds to boredom by seeking out new attention, that's not likely to change. If you're a flirt who falls in love easily, whether you're already in a relationship or not, then that's not likely to change either. If you thrill at the danger of sneaking around, then unless you find some other outlet for your desire to be 'bad', you will probably fall back into old habits. The man who needs the approval of younger women to prove to himself that he's still powerful is always going to be hungry for it. And so on. If you're already a serial cheater you're going to stay one.

 

But if the relationship was fundamentally flawed, like someone cheating because they were secretly gay but their parents forced them into a straight marriage? Then once they can actually live what they wanted all along, I don't think they're necessarily going to be driven to cheat.

 

Disagree, strongly. The situation is irrelevant, it's all about that person who cheated. Simply put, strong emotionally mature people rarely cheat. Instead they tend to choose a healthy way to end a relationship before starting a new one.

 

Yeah all cheaters cheat for the same reason when excuses and rationalizations are taken away, lack of boundaries, selfish and cowardice. That pretty much covers all cheating.

Edited June 13, 2018 by DKT3

[somanymistakes]

Disagree, strongly. The situation is irrelevant, it's all about that person who cheated. Simply put, strong emotionally mature people rarely cheat. Instead they tend to choose a healthy way to end a relationship before starting a new one.

 

This isn't actually as much of a disagreement as you think it is, IMO.

 

People forced into unwanted marriages by their parents generally aren't "strong, emotionally mature people" yet. If they get out of that bad situation, learn to express their desires honestly, and BECOME emotionally mature people, there's no reason to assume they will spend their lives cheating just because they did it once.

 

This is mostly a category for people who got married young because they felt they had no other choice. Closeted gay, crazy religious family, oops pregnancy, groomed abuse victim, etc. It's certainly not a category that includes me, but it is a category that exists. Some of these people get married at 18 or even younger and still have a lot of growing up to do.

 

 

For me, "end one relationship before starting another" doesn't even make sense because we didn't technically "start" anything, but that's another story.

[stillafool]

Forced into marriage? This is America and no one can force you to marry anyone. Even parents don't care that much anymore. No one is forced into marriage and if they want to cheat they should stay single forever and not ruin the life of others.

[somanymistakes]

Forced into marriage? This is America and no one can force you to marry anyone. Even parents don't care that much anymore. No one is forced into marriage and if they want to cheat they should stay single forever and not ruin the life of others.

 

This is an international forum. Not everyone here is from America.

 

Forced marriages do happen in America.

 

Underage forced marriages happen in America. They're legal in most states. You can be married off as young as 13.

 

Even as legal adults, emotionally-immature people are often pressured into things that yes, technically, they could have found some way to escape if they had known all their options, but they did not, because they were sheltered and young and foolish.

 

If you have never encountered or even heard of anyone who was pressured into a wedding they didn't want, you have a very limited social circle.

 

I don't think any of those people ever turn up on loveshack because when they DO finally understand that they are free to live as they like, they get out of their situations and move on, they don't come to a place like this to sit around and wallow in angst about how they're not sure whether they want to leave or not.

Edited June 13, 2018 by somanymistakes

[stillafool]

This is 2018. What year are you in?

[somanymistakes]

This is 2018. What year are you in?

 

I'm talking about things that are still happening today, but it's getting a little off-topic for this thread so I made another one:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/658354-pressured-into-marriage

[niteandfog]

 

I don't think any of those people ever turn up on loveshack because when they DO finally understand that they are free to live as they like, they get out of their situations and move on, they don't come to a place like this to sit around and wallow in angst about how they're not sure whether they want to leave or not.

 

Spot on! I tend to come back only to reassure some of the people who’re having affairs that sometimes they DO workout. But I know I’m the minority. Also to remind people that regardless of circumstances somebody ALWAYS gets hurt.

 

That’s the price to pay. But to me, to be able to wake up every morning next to him and then have a normal family morning with him and my daughter is priceless, but he’s the one who paid the highest price, not me.

[abandoned2018]

Spot on! I tend to come back only to reassure some of the people who’re having affairs that sometimes they DO workout. But I know I’m the minority. Also to remind people that regardless of circumstances somebody ALWAYS gets hurt.

 

That’s the price to pay. But to me, to be able to wake up every morning next to him and then have a normal family morning with him and my daughter is priceless, but he’s the one who paid the highest price, not me.

 

 

 

 

thank you for your post... yes, somebody does get hurt always....