kev1121 Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Hi guys, first time poster on here, so first of all i want to say sorry because this will be a long post so anyone who sticks it out and reads it all i appreciate it, also if anything does not make sense I will try my best to clear it up. So I am 27 and my wife just turned 30, she is from South America and I am from Europe, she also has Bi Polar disorder. So my wife and I met online 4 and a half years ago on a dating website and instantly fell in love, we would talk for hours and hours online every single day via skype, facebook etc. She always needed a visa to come to my country so because of financial reasons our meets were sporadic at best, the first time we met was after 3 years. I have never once doubted that she didn't love me, we have both sacrificed allot to try and be together and have had to go through a few visa attempts to be together. 18 months ago we got married in her country with her family in a civil ceremony and really it was the best day of our lives. As I said we were long distance which always was so hard but we somehow made it work, her family absolutely adore me as their son in law. We were trying to get her into my country with a join spousal visa and those applications take 6 months to process, the first one failed, so we had to make a new application with all the relevant information that Immigration needed to accept her. While she has been waiting for the visa, she stayed in another European country where she had visa free access, she had a friend there for many years and stayed in her friends house rent free (her friend is a girl incase you wondered) for the past 6 months, which was great because I could travel to see her every couple of weeks to see her, and during this time nothing made me think that she wasn't completely in love with me, we had our fights for sure as all couples did, but we wanted desperately to be together and to start a life and a family together. However this is where it gets messy, and please don't judge me here, but I always had a sort of a fetish to see my wife sexually with another man, just sex, no emotional attachment whatsoever, she did comply with my request, but we both agreed it wasn't healthy and that it was something that could never happen again. In hindsight I know it was such a stupid thing to do, and probably by asking her to fulfill this request may have pushed her away. Roughly 2 months ago, she met a 20 year old fitness instructor, this guy was very charming and good body etc, she always said it was just friends which I believed because she had many guy friends that were purely platonic relationships. This guy did not know that she was married and I always was telling her to tell this guy that she was married but she was always afraid to do, this guy then started to fall in love with her, and she said the feeling was the same for her and that she did not want to be with me anymore, even to the point that she wanted marry him and have kids etc. She did tell this guy she was married and told her situation, however he did not care really that she had me. She basically lived with this guy for over a month and they were having sex and she was very happy. This absolutely destroyed me, the actual physical act of sex i can forgive but it is the emotional betrayal that hurt me so much. I am a very religious person so i have been praying allot and asking god for guidance and to return my wifes love that she once had for me. Her visa was accepted and she is now living with me in my country. And in the last few weeks while i have been sad ive been coping allot better and we have not been fighting at all, infact when we are together i really feel us happy. We had sex 3 times in the last 2 weeks while she was "in love" with this guy, and there never has been an issue with us in the bedroom it always is full of passion and is amazing for us both. I feel when we are together especially sexually i can get her back, she said she feels guilty for doing this to the 20 year old and we havent been intimate in the past week. This guy has been putting pressure on her to return to his country which she does not want, he also has been putting pressure on to move to the same city in my country so we can be together which she also does not want, she always wanted to wait the 3 years and then maybe return to be with him once she has her citizenship in my country. This guy is so insecure also since she came to live with me and clearly doesnt trust her because she cheated on me with him and also cheated on him with me but he doesnt know about that. I sometimes see glimpses of the life we could have, but sometimes i see the messages she sends him or hear them talk and it does hurt me but i am coping with that. She has agreed to go to therapy to treat her mental illness and with time maybe we can do couples therapy. This guy she is with is way too immature to be with her, he doesnt think in consequences and feels no remorse or care that she is married. he is willing to move to my country without a job or place to stay and he has said he wouldnt wait for her the 3 years, basically its now or never, so should i just try and be patient and wait for their relationship fizzle out? I am desperate to be with my wife, i feel after the hard work and sacrifices we both made then to have her finally in my country i still dont have her which i dont. I am trying so hard to not be fighting with her or get upset when she would rather talk to him than me. I know their relationship cant last, it is way too complicated. But Is there any way i can salvage this relationship? How can i try and rekindle the love my wife once had for me? Im afraid that if i try and be romantic and close with her i will drive her away, but i am also afraid that if i dont show her affection she will feel she has made the right choice and be with this guy. Like right now i am soo pissed off because i wanted to show her a movie at the weekend and she said she didnt want, then today she is watching this movie with this guy over webcam, which is something we used to do, she told me today that this guy wants to move to my city if he can, and be with her,to find a job and find a place to live here, so some days with him, some days with me etc. Hearing that made me feel so bad and I started to cry and she was saying that i need to accept that me and her are done and that she doesnt love me anymore. But she said she doesn't know if it will work with this guy. She said she got bored of me, and that she always gets bored in the end. I am so confused but i love my wife, i know she is the one i want to spend my life with,and i cant break with her because if we tried divorce her visa would be revoked and she would return to her home country. I couldnt do that to her because her home country is too dangerous and i also took her for her own family. But it seems like i did all the hard work and this guy is reaping the reward. I see my life crumbling around me and i really feel that every move i make is wrong. Im in such a bad place right now and my heart feels totally broken. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 (edited) Hearing that made me feel so bad and I started to cry and she was saying that i need to accept that me and her are done and that she doesnt love me anymore. But she said she doesn't know if it will work with this guy. She said she got bored of me, and that she always gets bored in the end. I'm sorry for your heartbreak, but it's over. The only choice you have is to divorce her and begin healing, or to continue in this miserable existence until she's finished using you. You don't owe her squat at this point. Divorce her and send her ass packing back to where she came from. Edited May 22, 2018 by salparadise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 I am so confused but i love my wife, i know she is the one i want to spend my life with,and i cant break with her because if we tried divorce her visa would be revoked and she would return to her home country. I couldnt do that to her because her home country is too dangerous and i also took her for her own family. If she made the choice to be with this other guy, if she WANTS to go back home, it is certainly not your responsibility to stop her or 'save' her if she doesn't want to be saved. She has other places she can go. She's an adult and she can make her own choices. Holding onto her like a burden will not make either of you happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 (edited) If she made the choice to be with this other guy, if she WANTS to go back home, it is certainly not your responsibility to stop her or 'save' her if she doesn't want to be saved. She wants to stay married and stay in his country to get citizenship (3 years). If he divorces her she will be shipped out, either to her country in South America or the other guy's country where she stayed before. IOW, she using him. Even so, she isn't even pretending to give a damn about him, tells him as much, and says she's in love with the other man. He's heartbroken but accepts this miserable existence thinking she might change her mind. She's a piece of work. He doesn't have the kahunas to kick her ass out. It's very sad. OP I hope you will get rational about this mess. You have to end it. Edited May 22, 2018 by salparadise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 So I am 27 and my wife just turned 30, she is from South America and I am from Europe, she also has Bi Polar disorder. So my wife and I met online 4 and a half years ago on a dating website and instantly fell in love, we would talk for hours and hours online every single day via skype, facebook etc. She always needed a visa to come to my country so because of financial reasons our meets were sporadic at best, the first time we met was after 3 years. I have never once doubted that she didn't love me, we have both sacrificed allot to try and be together and have had to go through a few visa attempts to be together. 18 months ago we got married in her country with her family in a civil ceremony and really it was the best day of our lives. So you fell in love online with a bipolar woman from another country you couldn't actually see for 3 years? And now, not surprisingly, this square peg hasn't smoothly fit in the round hole? kev1121, I'm afraid love doesn't really conquer all - especially when one of you ain't in it. Not what you want to hear, but time to put this behind you and get on with your life. Trust me, couple years down the road, you'll thank us... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 I am so confused but i love my wife, i know she is the one i want to spend my life with... No, cut your losses man, she has used you. Find a woman who really loves you Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 I would start getting the divorce papers ready. Link to post Share on other sites
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