HURTANDCONFUSED81 Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 This is my first time visiting this site and I couldn't help but share my current situation with you as well- hoping to get your insight on what it is that really went wrong and what is it that I should be doing to make things right for myself and the other person. I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship..we met in college and we were the "perfect couple" . However, after we graduated...I was the one who got the job..and he was lazy and at the same time looking at the wrong places and coudlnt land a permanent job. My parents gave me alot of pressure because they dindt feel that was a good sign for my future..and in return I took it out on him, talk down to him and gave him crap. I became the controller of the relationship..and expected too much from him. Sometimes I admit, I think about dating other guys..a guy who was more focused and career minded...but I still stuck around because I knew he made me happy . However, this past June, I came back from a family vacation and after meeting up with my old friends, I realized that he and I were just too different - so I broke up with him without any hesitation the same day my sister broke up with her boyfriend. Yet, he agreed and it was mutual. Yet, we continued to hang out and we had sex a few times. Recently however, he got his first job after nearly 2 years out of college. I was very proud of him. He went away for training for 3 weeks..during those 3 weeks I realized that I loved him and missed him...and it dawned on me what a selfish , unsupportive gf I was to him. I realized that I showed my concern the wrong way..and really pushed him away. I wrote emails (2) total of my feelings...bitterness towards the relatoinship as to why he never is the one who tries to fix the relationship- why he never chases after me whenever we fight; why I had to always be the one who fought to make things work. He came back this past weekend and didnt return my call. So I had my guy friend call his house to see whats up and I admitted that I had my friend call instead of me. He said he was going to call me the next day..and the next day we met for dinner. Everything was going well..we caught up..he was very clear that we paid separately and drove separately to dinner. He told me how I should learn to not be so tense and try to make things happen..and how he missed how I used to be so independent and not so emotional needy. That he wanted to be casual freinds...but I said I coudlnt because I still had feelings and that I genuinely have realized the things I did wrong..and that I wanted second chance. I then asked him if he still loved me..he said " I thought I did..but after 3 weekse away I realized that I didnt. I am actually glad that I am single and now that Ive got my job I want to focus on it without any baggage". SO I was mad because I wanted to get to the bottom of it and said " Dont just be nice to me and say you thought..just come out and tell me you dont love me because that would really explain why you never have come after me nor try to fix things in the first place" .So he looked at me coldly with no feelings in his eyes...and said "I dont love you, you're not the right one for me". Right there, I should have just walked out of the restaurant..but I couldnt, my heart ached and I cried..he asked if Iw anted to get to his car and talk and I said no. Then 2 seconds later I said yes..and he got mad and said "Im sick of this. Why must it always be your call when we do things" and I was so taken back by it I became calm and apologized...clearly telling him that it isnt about power..I just didnt feel like going in like that after ppl were starring at me. But he was heated. So this led to going outside..and he said I could call him whenever to talk ...that he'd always have feelings for me. But I kept asking him why he didnt love me anymore...why he just doesnt care. I asked for a second chance..he said even if he did, he'd be lying to himself. I got mad and hit him with my keys..and said fine, if you dont care then just go . But we cant be freinds and I am never going to contact you again. Im done trying..Ive done enough. With that he drove off..and I called my friends to pick me up. My question is this: I know there was alot of hurt in the relatlinship..and the communication was bad. I have vowed never to call him nor ever try to initiatie anything because for once I want to feel pursued. The first year we were togehter in college..no problems. He purused me and he was good to me. Till we got into the real world and problems just kept consuming. He said my parents disapproval was part of the reason too but he knew too that if he fought to be with me, my parents would see that and consent. I dont understand how it got so bad..and why nor how he can just NOT love me anymore. My friends say that I really did hurt him alot by the way I treated him ...and even though I reaize it now, it may be a bit too late and to give him space. I never knew what space was until I read the entries here. I love him and I always thought if we could talk things out..we would be okay. But he said hes afraid of me coming over now because he's afraid that Ill corner him like I used to with questions...so now its been 3 days now and I have not called him nor contacted him. do you think in time he will call..or if down the road we grow apart to work on ourselves that there could be a second chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 I know how you feel, I'm going through and wondering about the same things now.... It sounds like you did everything that you could.....apologized, asked for a second chance, etc. I think it's up to him now. It hurts to keep chasing someone who wants nothing to do with you. If he really loves you, he'll come back eventually. And if he doesn't, then find someone who DOES want to be with you, someone who deserves you and doesn't need to be chased. I'd go with no contact, if he comes back, it's his choice. If he doesn't come back, you know you should move on. You've done everything that you can. At least take comfort in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HURTANDCONFUSED81 Posted August 30, 2005 Author Share Posted August 30, 2005 Yea...I messed up big time by talking down to him and telling him he wasnt man enough..I ****ed up big time. I know I shoudlnt have been so harsh just the situation was so bad and my parents gave me too much pressure..at the end I just didnt know what I wanted. But the time made me realize that I really love him..and that Im willing to change and to accept things as they are ; not try to change or control the situations. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 You've gone through the outwardly emotional roller coaster of the bad ending of a relationship / break up in front of him and there's no bigger turn off to a guy than seeing us women flipping out. Most of us do this but it's best to contain your feelings and let them loose when he's not around. Trust me, I'm guilty of it too My advice to you is to move on and start the break up / grieving process. Relationships are pretty much just one big learning experience. You've learned a lot from your mistakes and you won't do it again in your next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HURTANDCONFUSED81 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 I ve been strong and followed the NC rule. Last nite I had this dream where I was on the beach and I was using a stick to draw I love you and Im sorry...and had videotaped it ..watching it with me hoping itd bring a smile to his face. I forced myself to wake up because I realized I had lost him already with my verbal abuse...I come from a family where we dont show love or support so its been really hard for me to convey that to him during the 2 years we've been together. Last nite, my parents snickered and were like..you're still over him? Too bad he isnt hurting just as bad as you. That hurt...and you know Im afraid he wont give me that second chance later.... So , does the NC rule really work even if you've really really hurt you ex ? AFter he's told you he doesnt love me anymore...realize I wasnt the one..or did he say those things out of anger and hurt? I dont know what to believe...but I do believe this: If he truly loves me and its meant to be, he'd forgive me and give me another chance . Right? Or am I too hopeful? And how do I prove to him other than keeping my word of not contacting him anymore...that I still love him and that deep down Im hoping he'd come around at the end... Please advise! Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 He may have said them out of anger, I think we're all guilty of doing that..... The NC is supposed to give you both the space you need to step back and realize what you really want. He knows that you're sorry, he knows that you still love him, now he has to decide what he wants. I would say that if he truly loves you, then he will come back. But in the meantime, I would work on moving on and going through the grieving process. He knows how you feel, but you can't wait forever for him to come around. If he doesn't call, at least you're working on moving on with your life. And if he does call, then that's even better. I think it's a win win situation. Not to say that it's easy, I'm going through the EXACT same situation right now. It helps me to write everything down in a journal. At least then I get it out and don't have to think about it. I hope you feel better. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HURTANDCONFUSED81 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 I am too. I write to my journal daily again...even if its like writing to him. How long agao did this happen to you? Has he contacted you? Ive been talking to my guy friends and get their opinions..and it only makes me feel worse. They say he said those things cuz he wants me to move on...but is that because right now with all the drama, pain and trauma he doesnt want me in his presence period. I wonder if time and space will really make him realize things...and if he really love me like you said, come back. I really am sorry for what I did...Ive been buying and reading self help books. But sometimes..like hearing what he said to me, you lose it. U lose control of your emotions and you can go back being who you used to be for that second because you dont know how to defend yourself anymore. I love him..and Im also afraid too that he could have just given up on me period. I want him to be happy..and focus on his job like he wants..and most importantly, respect him of his last wish. I will never contact him again . Im giving it up to God and letting fate take over...though its hard to trust sometimes. Im used to controlling my own outcomes.... Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 We have been fighting and breaking up constantly for the past month and a half. I always end up telling him to never call me, just leave me alone, and then I come crawling back a few days later. Things are fine for a couple days, and then he turns into a complete a**h*** again. So this past monday when he was mean again I told him to never call me again and I hung up on him. I haven't called him since, and he hasn't called me. I'm tired of being the only one to want to work on our relationship. If he really wants to work on it, then he needs to call me. I just know that if I'm the one always coming back, then it's never going to work. That's what stops me from calling him. And don't we deserve to be with someone who wants us just as much as we want them? I know that it's hard, and I know what you're going through. Like right now I just want to break down and call him, even if it's just to sit there and not say anything just to hear his voice. I wouldn't take too much stock into what your guy friends say. If he loves you, then nothing will keep him away from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HURTANDCONFUSED81 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 Omg I know what you are talking about. My first relationship..about 5 years ago was like this. He'd put his phone on but he woudlnt talk..and Id sit there and cry and explain things..and he didnt give a ****. So then finally I had to drive his ass back to his college (every weekend I drofve to see him, he never did come see me) and finally one day I decided this was the last time I was driving his ass back. I dropped him off and I calmly said goodbye..the 3 hours back was the longest ever in my entire life..it just hurt too much that he never wanted to do his part. Worst part was..a year later, I said hello on IM...and asked why he always hurt me. He said "you deserved it" cuz all along he was in love with my sister who never watned him and he wanted to take his revenge out on my family through me. Yea...so thats probably why with this relationship Im so scared and untrusting. I know he said those things out of anger..but I pray and hope that he doesnt just give up on us....ive never given anyone space before, i never knew how nor the concept of it. That is why Im so scared right now...I know one thing for sure though Im done doing all the work. yes I was emotionally abusive but I was always the one through action to prove that I wanted him. I have yet to see his. Thats why I ask guys for their opijnions...how guys take it u know. But I like ur quote..how if he really loves you therers nothing that will get in the way. But what if he is a passive guy? He never even defended me in public when I got dissed by one of our friensd or anything..hes always the type that doesnt like to argue and let things work out by itself. Hes very passive and calm. Can this stop him from fighting for love? Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 If he's passive when it comes to his feelings for you then what's worth having? If someone cares for you, they'll stick up for you, you can depend on them to be there for you, you can rely on them and trust them. If his passiveness causes him to give up on you, then you deserve someone better. I know that you feel as if you ruined things. I know you feel like everything is your fault. I feel the same way. I feel like I drove him away and now when I realized what I've done there's nothing to get him back. But at least I know I tried. I tried to work on things.....several times. My ex can't say that, and neither can yours. I know what you mean about your past relationship. I have one that ended the exact same way that this one ended. And I don't want to spend a year and a half chasing him like I did the last one. I just try to think: They're not banging down my door to be with me, why should I waste my time on trying to be with them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HURTANDCONFUSED81 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 Good point. So I guess now is the time for THEM to realize if they want us or not..or in their minds "if these girls are worth it". *sigh* Men are so complicated..its like we may have drove them crazy because we wanted to make things better...but WE PROVED IT THAT WE'D BE THERE u know? Ppl say that ppl fall out of love..because things simply werent working out. Do you believe ppl can fall back in love? Given time...and space? Im working on moving on...its hard. Im waiting for him to call..but then Im afraid to hear his voice again. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 Well, I think if people fall out of love because "things just weren't working out" then no one would be with anyone. Relationships are hard work, and sometimes you hit rough spots. But if the person walks away, and doesn't even try, just because things are bad at the moment, then was it really love to begin with? I think that love is about forgiveness, and letting go of the past. That's what our ex's problems are, they can't let go of the past. They carry around their hard feelings. And maybe they have a right not to trust us....but I can't imagine not giving someone a second chance if they were truly sorry. especially not someone who I said I loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HURTANDCONFUSED81 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 You have your head straight. You think very clearly and fairly. I just wish our guys were just as open minded about things. So he hasnt tried to contact you? How would you feel if he never rdid...or ur previous ex..did he ever try to contact you again? Link to post Share on other sites
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