Day by day, trying to find my place

[ThumbingMyWay]

Well….

 

summers almost over…still trying to figure out where it went

 

 

Its been 13 months since false D-day and 6 months since the truth came out.

 

Have had ups and downs but its been good for the most part….my wife has really come around and is trying real hard to win my trust back and too make this marriage work

 

 

The problem is….I am still harboring anger and resentment….and I just want to let it all go. I am tired of having this doubt, the what ifs, the I don’t knows….I just want to ground myself and move on from her affair. But this little box of fear that sits in the corner of my mind is STILL open for business.

 

And the what ifs….they are getting to me. For 18 years I have kept guard on my heart…meaning I have never allowed it to be open for another woman. But now, after her affair….I have these what if thoughts….the…hhmmmm I wonder what cake would taste like. I am finding myself…letting in feelings….flirting more…and being more receptive to other womens flirtations and smiles and non-verbal ques. And to be honest…if feels good. Ya know, like when you pass an attractive woman at the store, then you look back to check out her body, only too see her doing the same thing to you…LOL…feel nice to be noticed.

 

And….I hate to admit it…but I have a crush on someone….its a feeling I have not felt since I first saw my wife 18 years ago. that giddy, googlely feeling. Feels kinda weird…but it feels SOOOO nice too. I never thought I would feel those again…but I am…and its not for my wife. I mean I love my wife and we are working on things…but these are those feelings of, well a crush.

 

Its for my bro-inlaws girlfriend. I have been around her 3 times over the last year….and this last time (last weekend)…the feelings were strong. I am trying to decipher the feelings…I feel that I am more attracted to her sweetness and wanting to be married and happy and have a family and settle down. She is 32, been in abusive relationships and has no kids yet. My bro-inlaw is younger than her and very selfish and stubborn. It just makes me realize that there are women out there that I am attracted too and could have feelings for. NOT that I am going to do anything with these feelings…I just now am seeing that there ARE other women out there that want what I always wanted, a loving spouse, kids and family life. I guess my blinders are coming off and I am seeing things differently.

 

This will go no where…I aint stupid…..

 

And the funny thing is….LOL….my wife called me on it. When we got home this weekend…she says…you got a crush on “T” don’t you. I denied it of course….then she says…hey, I saw the way you looked at her and you were SOOO flirting with her too. She knows me all too well…shes not mad or pissed off or anything. She even said that she thinks I am crushing on T because of her wanting to be happily married and be a mom. I just find it attractive…and my wife knows it. She also said that I had a crush from the first time I met her….and my wife totally felt it, she says I looked at T the same way I used to look at her when her first started dating….weird hey???

 

Anyways….dont know where I am going with this post….just letting some stuff out I guess.

 

Day by day….this journey is wearing on my….

[JS17]

Glad to hear that you're still working on things with your wife AND opening your eyes to the world around you. It sounds like you know starting something with your brother-in-law's girlfriend would just lead to a lot of trouble but it helps to get that reinforcement here right?

 

After I found out that my ex-bf was cheating on me I had a really hard time letting it go and trusting anyone, including my friends. I realized I had to do something proactive to learn to trust again and did a bunch of research. I found a book on learning to forgive and I must say it helped me more than I expected to. I don't know if it will help you at all but it might be worth a shot. Always enjoy hearing how you're doing so keep updating us!

[fleafly]

Hey Thumbs- been awhile! Ive been trying to stay out of this section, it seems as though reading other peoples pain kept bringing me back to square one, but no matter how hard I try I keep peeking in...

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, I remember being so envious of you and you commitment to your wife, I couldn't figure out for the life of me how you were coping, but that anger and resentment keeps rearing its ugly head, it sucks I know. At my last counseling session, my therapist tried to hypnotize me as a way of helping me let go, not surprisingly (to me) I couldn't relax enough to do this!

 

Anyways, I'm going to offer you a little bit of advice here, based on my experiences of the last 8 months. Falling into this trap will lead you nowhere, except to further damage your marriage. As you know, I left my wife when I found out what she was up to. Being in the same house with her was impossible, with the anger and betrayal I felt (still do). On the flip side being out on my own was just as hard, the thoughts of her with someone else consumed me. The only thing i found that would keep my mind off of this was to see other people. At first, and this might sound twisted, I took all of the information that I had brought out and recreated it. She had sex in a car two times? I tripled that number, with three different women. Spent the night at a bed and breakfast? Ditto. To date I have been with 9 women in the last 8 months. Of these women, only one was a ONS. It was exhilarating for me to date and be with other women, I must admit that initial attraction of getting to know someone was very powerful.

 

But where did all of this get me, absolutely nowhere. I still have days where any little thing will set me off and bring me back to square one. I could also not sustain any of these relationships, the first sign of trouble and I would bolt, no questions asked, fear of commitment is one reason, and the fact of closing the door on my wife and family is another. I am also not here to brag about the things I have done, I was with my wife for 17 years and never cheated on her, thats not the kind of person that I am. I am ashamed of this behavior to be honest, I truly cannot figure out the person that I have become, and I guess this harbors even more resentment to my wife. And I am going to stick with therapy until I figure things out, regardless of the outcome.

 

So to sum it all up, DO NOT act on these feelings, Matt, it will only make things worse for you. Nothing in the world will ever give back what has been taken from you, its better to look ahead to what you future holds then to get stuck in the past.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Hey Thumbs- been awhile! Ive been trying to stay out of this section, it seems as though reading other peoples pain kept bringing me back to square one, but no matter how hard I try I keep peeking in...

 

been wondering about you too....and I have the same prob...I really need to stop reading this section...

 

Nothing in the world will ever give back what has been taken from you, its better to look ahead to what you future holds then to get stuck in the past.

 

brother....that is what I am slowly coming to terms with....I think in the beginning I was very upbeat and optimistic....BUT....after 6 months, I think that my positive attitude was just a smoke screen from my true feelings...which are anger and resentment. NOW....that I realize this...and realize what my options are...I am still confused a little.....just need to dig deep again...and find a rope to hold onto....cause living with this pain and anger in my head is not helping me or my marriage. Just going day by day....trying to be positive. it just hard sometimes....

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm glad she called you on it. When me and exH got back together after a 3month separation, it took me a full year before I felt at home again in my own home. It was hard, and I was finally happy again.

 

As soon as I was happy, he changed. I didn't know if he was jealous or upset wondering how I could be so happy when he had been so hurt, but c'mon, this was a year later.

 

We never were people to talk things out, and that is where our problems lay but after another year of him treating me like crap when we talked about things he told me he never forgave me for what happened 3 yrs earlier. And that his heart wasn't in the marriage for the last 3 years.

 

I know you will never forget the affair and the pain, but please forgive and forgive and forgive and replace all those negative thoughts with happier ones for what the bright future holds for you two.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I know you will never forget the affair and the pain, but please forgive and forgive and forgive and replace all those negative thoughts with happier ones for what the bright future holds for you two.

 

I know...this is what I want to do...but its hard sometimes....

[Merin]

The important thing IMO is

 

1) Recognizing that just because you're married it doesn't mean you are also deaf, dumb, blind or dead... well unless of course you're my EXH then yeah he was at the very least dumb

 

MEANING... it is human nature to find other people attractive EVEN when you're married, EVEN when you're in a relationship.

 

BUT it is making the choice to NOT act upon an attraction when you're committed to someone else that makes all the difference to how things turn out.

 

I think you're doing fine, and from what you've said your Wife is doing fine as well... keeping the lines of communication open is good, being able to recognize that both people may find others attractive is all okay BUT BOTTOMLINE is knowing you STILL choose EVERYDAY to keep your committment and honour one another that makes the world go round:love:

[whichwayisup]

There is nothing wrong with crushing on somebody and enjoying the nice feelings it brings out...As long as that is all it is. Don't fantasize about her or think something could happen. I know you aren't going to DO anything about it though.

 

I think it's healthy to have a crush once in a while and yes, it does feel really good to be desired and looked at by others. Nice to know you still got it!

 

You've come such a long way, coping and dealing with so much, I always sat in awe of how you've handled yourself...But I also knew you were holding back and trying to stay positive...Yet that negative stuff and anger was still sitting there...

 

You may not like what I am going to say, but here I go...

 

You need to vent that out, either here or in a letter to her. Don't ever give her the letter as these are YOUR private thoughts, your pain and anger of what she did to you. Look at it as a way of letting go and dealing with all of the bad stuff.

 

Not sure if your wife still reads on LS, but I think this could help. Different situation ofcourse, but when my father died I had alot of pain and anger inside me. I never knew how deep that went and I thought I was fine ... Well, I convinced myself I was fine and guess what? I wasn't. All those years of hanging on to the pain, pushing it down finally came up and out! Trust me on this one, the sooner you can work through those bad feelings, realize it's okay to have bad days, but to stay and live in the now - because that is all we have in this lifetime, not tomorrow - NOW.

 

I am real proud of you and how things have turned out. Your wife is a very lucky woman to have you in her life. But something tells me she knows this already and hearing that she's not jealous or her mind never once thought "oh no, this is payback time..." when she realized you have a crush on your bro-in-law's girlfriend. (btw, NEVER EVER tell that woman you feel this way... )

 

Flea, you gave Thumbs some real good advice...I guess everybody handles it differently but it all comes back to how well you can move past it and learn how to really trust again. .. ... ON that note, I really wish my inspirational friend DazednConfused would make an appearance on here too.

[sylviaguardian]

Thumbs,

 

Good to hear from you! I have the same problem as you and fleafly - I keep peeking on here, although I know it does me no good.

 

 

Its been 13 months since f

alse D-day and 6 months since the truth came out.

 

Wow, I didn't realise that - I am 13/5! How wierd!

 

It's tough isn't it bud? I have all the same feelings that you have, but probably have never had the 100% committment that you had. The biggest motivation for me to make my marriage work is the fact that I believe families should be together!

 

I too still harbour resentment and anger. In fact, when things are good, I am starting to think that it is because I have just covered everything up. I believe my husband has stopped doing anything that makes him untrustworthy but he hasn't changed. I am starting to wonder if I can live with an emotionally distant person for the rest of my life.

 

The biggest sticking point is thinking about how he basically treated me like s***! I can't get over that. I can't get my head around how you can supposedly love someone and treat them that way.

 

I too am filled with doubt- what if he never really loved me, does he stay because of the kids, will he keep his head down until he finds the next one. My biggest fear is sticking with it then realising years down the line that I should have got out.

 

I know exactly what you mean about the crush thing. For years I just didn't 'go there'. Now iI have a completely different take on things.In my head I am looking, weighing up, asking what if... I know what fleafly means when he says he did all the same things only worse...I have thought of that too...I feel like I have nothing to lose now, so why not have some fun?

 

They say it takes two years to get over something like this. Seems a helluva long time to pay for someone else's mistake..Sorry, I am in a very negative mood today.

 

Sylvia

[ThumbingMyWay]

The important thing IMO is

 

BOTTOMLINE is knowing you STILL choose EVERYDAY to keep your committment and honour one another that makes the world go round:love:

 

yes it does....and yes I do....I am prolly the most commited, loyal, faithful person I know.....just sux when the one you love takes adventage of that. BUT I will get thru this....

[ThumbingMyWay]

 

(btw, NEVER EVER tell that woman you feel this way... )

 

 

no way....this stays inside...I have read tooooo many horrer storys on here. Besides...its nice just to have the feeling.....tempation will not get me to act on them....they are fine right here they are.

 

and my wife doesnt read LS too much anymore....and even if she did....everything I type here....we talk about....either before or after I post it here. Its nice to be able to have total communication.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Thumbs,

 

The biggest motivation for me to make my marriage work is the fact that I believe families should be together!

 

me too.....

 

 

The biggest sticking point is thinking about how he basically treated me like s***! I can't get over that. I can't get my head around how you can supposedly love someone and treat them that way.

 

I too am filled with doubt- what if he never really loved me, does he stay because of the kids, will he keep his head down until he finds the next one. My biggest fear is sticking with it then realising years down the line that I should have got out.

 

thats just it....I have the same thoughts....wife and I actually talked about this. Its hard on me....I mean she lied all thru MC.....it just sux to be duped.

 

In my head I am looking, weighing up, asking what if...I feel like I have nothing to lose now, so why not have some fun?

 

thats kinda what I am doing too. Wierd cause I never have been that way....but believe me...it will never go anywhere except fanasty....

 

 

I just want to be happy again.....I want to look at a Mustang car and not think of ther OM. I want to be able to go "down" on my wife and not think about how the OM did it. I want to close this chapter of my life and move on....I just want to be happy again...

[passingby]

You are crushing on this woman, not because she's all so special and all that jazz, but because you are hurt and angry and you know you're attractive enough to get even with your wife any time you want. You ego has been smashed to bits and somewhere inside yourself you so want to prove that you are a sexy, desirable, attractive male worthy of something better than has been dished out to you.

 

I know from firsthand experience how you feel. But you don't have to prove anything to her or anybody else.

 

Your wife did what she did because she gave herself permission. Her code of ethics allowed it. Yours would not. Her moral standards were lower than yours. If this were not true, you would not be hurting to the point you are now. You hurt because what she did is so very wrong to you and violates the essence of who you are and what you believe in.

 

Sure, you could behave like she did, but you wouldn't feel any better. You woudl feel like what you thought she was when you first found out - A whore. Stupid. Played out. Used up. Worthless. You would feel worse for using a woman to salve your hurt pride. Consider this - you would have to just shut your mouth forever and never say a word to her again about what she did, and accept that you are absolutely no better. Are you ready for that?

 

Sometimes I feel stupid or cowardly because I reject any offers that come my way. I look the other way when approached whereas the fool continues to flirt like he thinks he's single. That's okay. He just makes himself look desperate and like an idiot. I know if I think for one minute he is screwing around on me again and not just feeding the endless bottomless pit that is his sagging ego, I will kick him to the curb immediately. I have had it with that crap. Don't be all desperate and pathetic like him. Yuck.

 

Quit wasting your energy and time devising fantasies on how to get even with her or on meeting a new woman as that's the last thing you are ready for. She plain and simply is not worth all that heartache and anxiety. Focus on yourself. I am finishing school (night classes), getting back in shape (6 pounds to go!), strengthening my career. Work on healing your personal self seperate and apart from her. (Remember that guy? The one you USED to be before she shafted you?) Consentrate on your own personal future.

 

I could screw seven men in seven days if I felt like it, but what would it really prove except that I am no better than the many p.o.s. worthless desperate losers he slept around with. Who else but a desperate loser would scrump around while they're married? What kind of person does that? NOt a person like me and not a person like you either.

[whichwayisup]

no way....this stays inside...I have read tooooo many horrer storys on here. Besides...its nice just to have the feeling.....tempation will not get me to act on them....they are fine right here they are.

 

and my wife doesnt read LS too much anymore....and even if she did....everything I type here....we talk about....either before or after I post it here. Its nice to be able to have total communication.

 

That's good. Just enjoy it for what it is...Makes you feel good and smile, then that's okay.

 

I'm glad that you two share everything, must make it easier then you don't have to play the guessing game of what's going on inside.

 

Glad to hear you're doing well.

[bigbuffs]

WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER TRIALS

 

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials (James 1:2).

 

Notice that James does not say that you MIGHT encounter trials someday. He does not say, “Consider it all joy if you happen to encounter some trials.” Instead he assumes that you will have hard times. Everything that follows is based on that assumption. Let there be no mistake about it; you WILL encounter various trials. You can bank on it. Jesus promised that in the world you have tribulation (John 16:33).

 

You are in for hard times. You are going to encounter various trials. Bad times are coming. Perhaps you are in the midst of them right now.

 

What are you to do when hard times come? How do you meet problem situations? What do you do when disaster strikes? James gives the answer. He says to consider it all joy (1:2).

 

At this point, you might be ready to tune out and mentally discard James as another sweetness and light preacher who has left his head buried in a hole in the ground. Don’t do that. James isn’t looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. He isn’t denying that there are real problems or that they really hurt.

 

He isn’t saying that bad times are fun. He doesn’t say that suffering is joyful. He doesn’t tell us to enjoy our suffering. He doesn’t say to grin and bear it or to try to ignore the pain or to praise the Lord anyway.

 

Instead he says, “Consider it all joy.” Note the word “consider.” It refers to a mental evaluation. We are to evaluate our adverse circumstances and to consider them to have an end result of joy.

 

How can we do this? How can we look at all of the problems that besiege us and consider them “all joy”? It is only by looking past the immediate problem to see its end result.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Stay strong, be patient and just enjoy each day and know that there will come a day when you look back on all this and realize that you have become a much better, much stronger person. Have faith, hope, and most importantely LOVE.

[CHAZ87]

Well….

 

 

 

The problem is….I am still harboring anger and resentment….and I just want to let it all go. I am tired of having this doubt, the what ifs, the I don’t knows….I just want to ground myself and move on from her affair. But this little box of fear that sits in the corner of my mind is STILL open for business.

 

That is exactly the way I am feeling. Although I am only into month number 3 since I found out. We only decided to try and reconcile a month and a half ago. Problem is the OM is a personal trainer(A pt having an affair, say it ain't so) and my wife is training for a triathalon and marathon. Guess who she is training with. Well, it is becoming harder and harder lately to give us a chance because of her training. I mean, the last two days because I work nights, she has spent more time with him than me. She says it is totally over between them when he showed up to the gym one day with a former ex. But I want to ask you, when did you start believing what your wife was telling you? My problem is my wife is still in contact with OM because of her training. Every time she goes out for training, thoughts enter my head and they kill me. It hurts so much, the betrayal. She says she loves me and wants this to work, but she comes across expecting me to be able to forgive and forget this soon. I wish there was something that could be done to get these poisonous thoughts out of my head so we can get on with our lives together. Oh and get this, the 5th was our 7th anniv. She doesn't consider us husband and wife, we are only married because of a piece of paper. Talk about twist the knife a little more.

 

As for the feeling you get when other women pay attention to you. She hates it. I had a teller at the back I go to, after looking at my account, tell me she gets off at 5:30. Well since it was Friday, I told her to have a nice weekend. But I did have a pretty big smile on my face after getting that huge boost of confidence.

 

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to rant a little.

[lust4life]

dday.

 

How can you or your wife think it is okay to have her still in contact with the OM?

 

 

Is training for a marathon really more important than your marriage? Worse is training with him really more important than your marriage?

[CHAZ87]

She is too competitive to stop training. She actually reads everything that I post here. So if you want to speak directly to her, she will eventually read it. Anyway about the training. I am to the point to were I am sure they are through. It is just the way my SO talks about how she feels like she was just a stand-in until his ex came to her senses. Aside from knowing about the ex. I knew that is what this was all about. How does the saying in "His needs, Her Needs" concerning affairs, "Men look for sex with an affair, women look for soul mates." I can't agree more. I told my SO in the begining, like 2-3 days after dday, that that is all he was around for. Did she believe me? No. Oh well, the rebuilding process has begun.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I could screw seven men in seven days if I felt like it, but what would it really prove except that I am no better than the many p.o.s. worthless desperate losers he slept around with. Who else but a desperate loser would scrump around while they're married? What kind of person does that? NOt a person like me and not a person like you either.

 

No a person like me CANT do that.....its just not in me. Why do I feel like a minority....like I am the only one who cherishes the sanctity of committed marriage....

 

I just need to come together with this and live happy and be me.....dwelling is not working for me.

[reservoirdog1]

She is too competitive to stop training. She actually reads everything that I post here. So if you want to speak directly to her, she will eventually read it. Anyway about the training. I am to the point to were I am sure they are through.

 

Buddy, I'm sorry, but... you are being a total patsy on this.

 

Somebody else asked this. Which is more important to her: her training, or her marriage? So she's training for a marathon. Boo hoo. Big f*cking deal. You think there aren't other equally qualified trainers out there?

 

She has to put her money where her mouth is. She has an obligation, as the one who cheated, to do everything possible to put your mind at ease and show you that she's changed. How can you have any real faith in that if she still sees him all the time? I wouldn't be at all surprised if the affair were still going on.

 

You're allowing yourself to be bought off by her excuses. The trainer/OM is officially a cancer on your marriage. As I've said before on this board, you don't placate a cancer, or let it hang around your body in the hopes that it will stop being malignant and become benign, or that you'll get used to it. You cut it out, without mercy or hesitation.

 

Chaz's wife: if you're reading this, and you want to save your marriage, give your husband the respect he deserves, cut off all contact with your "trainer", and find another one. Your actions will speak far louder than your words ever could.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Started pool leagues last night....got to see my buddys.....havenet seen them all summer. Felt good to get out with the guys.....felt good to talk guy **** and look at the bartender...hahahahah

 

I am starting to come around on the inside....still struggling with the whole mess....but things ARE getting better....feel good today....

 

Even made love with my wife this morning.....mmmmmm...morning sex:bunny:

 

11 year wed aniversary is this Friday. Going out for some sicilain seafood, then off to an Oktoberfest block party

 

......then just maybe hit a strip club:eek: .....hey, she wants to go and see what its like....not to mention she likes looking at hot women too...and we always wanted to go together...so why not?...spice it up right?

 

anyways.....hope all my LS friends are having a good day...

[whichwayisup]

Yup, morning sex is the best!

 

Good to hear that you're having a great day and things are rolling along nicely.

 

You've worked SO hard Thumbs and I'm happy for you both.

 

......then just maybe hit a strip club .....hey, she wants to go and see what its like....not to mention she likes looking at hot women too...and we always wanted to go together...so why not?...spice it up right?

 

Exactly, why not? The sex will be hotter that night!

 

I'll wish you a happy Anniversary on Friday...

[Trimmer]

chaz:

 

I agree with reserviordog... If she is still having contact with this guy, then either (1) there is still more going on than she admits, and she's deceiving you, or (2) maybe there really isn't anything going on, but she is unable or unwilling to have any empathy for your feelings or to take any responsibility for joining in the mending process herself.

 

My W had an A with a close coworker (also married) 10 years ago; at the time she said she had "fallen in love", and even after discovery, said with somewhat defiant confidence that they would remain friends. Once it ended, they did pretty much stay apart - I think out of awkwardness and job changes as much as anything - but the extent of her effort at mending things was pretty much to tell me that she was sorry and felt bad about it, and would understand if it took me a long time to get over it.

 

I now believe that this marked the beginning of a long-term erosion of our relationship, and possibly the end (or the beginning of the end, anyway) of her respect for me as a husband and a man.

 

Bottom line: I do think that actions speak louder than words - if your wife wanted to take an active role in the healing of your marriage, she would take actions that were consistent with showing you that there is nothing still going on, and I strongly believe the first, very simple, very obvious step would be to go complete NC with the OM. She doesn't have to stop being competitive, stop training, or even stop working with some other trainer, but continuing to have contact with this guy, well, it just doesn't add up somehow. She either "doesn't get it", or she's "getting it on the side."

[Bryanp]

What totaly disrespect that she is continuing to train with the man who was her lover and you accept this? She is continuing to disrespect and humiliate you. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would accept such humiliation from you? It truly is so pathetic that you accept such disdain and disrespect from her. Open your eyes. If you don't respect yourself then why should she?

[CHAZ87]

We had a huge falling out about this last night. I think it might be over between us. I know she never took my feelings into consideration at all. She completely freaked out last night. Broke my cell-phone, threatened to punch me in the face, adn to top it off, left me and her son until 3 this morning while she was at her "cousins" house. She has never cared about my feelings, if she did, she would have "wanted" to stop training. But she showed me her total disregard for me. I have had it with her. She told me that after only 2 months, I should just get over it. That did mot sit top well with me. And if anybody asks, I did not lose my temper, I was in control, except when it came to my tongue, but I felt there were things I had to say.