Struggling with low self-confidence/asking girls out

May 23, 2018

Tonight I feel like giving up.

I went to my regular wednesday circuits class at the gym tonight. I always really enjoy it. It's my one chance to talk to girls in my week too. Tonight we did a bleep test and out of around 30 people I was the last one standing at the end. I felt so happy and proud. People were saying how good I was and saying well done and shaking my hand. I felt like a king. Like a champion. Like somebody. I felt important and admired. I haven't felt like that for many, many years since I was a young boy once. I felt like I mattered and that for once in my life people actually noticed me.

There is a girl I like at the gym and I thought to myself that if I had chance I would ask her out at the weekend and once more I had a perfect opportunity to do it and I didn't. Another girl who I haven't seen for a few weeks was there too and I chatted with her a little and she seemed impressed with what I did in the running test and said I made it look easy. I don't even know her name despite knowing her a while. Again I wanted to ask her out but just couldn't do it. It's like I have zero confidence in myself and maybe fear rejection and that if I get rejected again I can't take it. The embarrassment would be too much for me. I think it stems from going so long without a girlfriend or physical relationship and it's getting harder each day.

On my way to work I used to pass an attractive girl every day and we used to smile and say hello but nothing more. It wasn't until about 8 months of this that finally one day I decided to stop and talk to her and ask her out. I built myself up for it and I felt so nervous and probably was really awkward. I asked her if she was free at the weekend and she basically said no and walked away. I felt so embarrassed and stupid after that and now I try to avoid seeing her if I can. I go to work earlier so I don't see her. I think that bad experience has really knocked my confidence and I haven't managed to ask anyone else out since. It makes me hate myself when I can't do it. I feel ashamed and so stupid. I have had beautiful girlfriends in the past but they seem like such a distant memory now. I know I am fit and strong and I am attractive but when it comes to women I just can't move past boring talk about the gym. No one ever has chance to get to know me better and i can't seem to find away jjst to ask a nice girl out. I feel like she will already have a boyfriend or not be interested. I know it's my own lack of self-confidence but its crippling me. Nights like tonight I don't feel like carrying on with life anymore. And now I missed my chance to ask one of those girls out I know I have a depressing weekend alone at home.

Sorry for the long message but I just had to get it out. I don't like myself tonight. I am trying really hard to be proud of my achievement at the gym but I want someone to share my good moments with. I hope I have made some sense in this message. Thank you again for reading I hope someone can help.

May 23, 2018

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself OP. The fact of the matter is you are just like myself and every other person out there. Everyone fears rejection. Its human nature to want to be accepted and devastating when you're not.

As for the embarrassment part, that is all a mindset. Change your mindset and you change your perception of reality. Instead of feeling embarrassed that she says no (and thats only an assumption! She might say yes!), but in the event she says no, look at it as a sense of accomplishment that you actually asked. Any time I have ever worked up the courage to approach a woman and ask her out, regardless of the outcome, I am just proud of myself that I actually did it! Do you have any idea of how many people would refuse to do that for the same reasons you just listed? I think thats worth a lot, especially for your self esteem.

I don't think you have missed your chance either. There is always next time. If this is a class you go to alot and have seen her a few times before, odds are you will see her again. Thats a huge plus because you know you will see her so you can be ready next time. Think about how you feel right now and then you give yourself a choice for next time.

You can either do nothing and feel the exact same way as you do right now, or you can do something and MAYBE feel the exact same way you felt when you were the last one standing for your bleep test.

Actors say all the time to not get stage fright is to picture your audience naked. The concept is ridiculous but the premise behind it is to humanize them. It makes them appear human just like you. You with all your fears and insecurities. Everyone has them. This girl has them too. Maybe this girl went home asking herself "why didn't that cute guy in my class ask me out?" If you humanize the other person/people, it helps you become more relaxed because they are all just people. Just like you and just like me.

May 23, 2018

I don't know what a bleep test is, but congratulations .

Asking someone out "cold" without knowing whether or not they have a partner would be super intimidating I imagine. I've never done it. Have you done online dating? At least that way you can be reasonably assured that you're both there for the same reasons.

May 23, 2018

It does take a lot of courage to put yourself out there.

You are right, that tonight when you were feeling good would have been the perfect opportunity but alas it didn't happen.

I think you need 2 things: a gratitudes list & a confidence list.

Gratitutes 1st 'cause it's easier. Buy a small bound note book. Every morning when you wake up list 3 things you are grateful for. Every night before you go to sleep, read the morning's list & then list 3 more things. The next morning, read last night's list. They shouldn't be the same things every day but they don't have to be profound & occasional repeats are OK. For example, during cold spells I was particularly grateful for my flannel sheets; there were different things people did for me that I was appreciative. Doing this exercise helps you to maintain a more peaceful balanced state because you can see good things in your life.

Now confidence. You are going to do this over the course of at least a week. 1st time sit down & brain storm/ free think for at least 15 minutes. Write down every positive good thing about yourself, from the profound (I'm loyal) to the trivial (I fry a mean egg) & everything in between. I'll even start your list for you:

1. I routinely go to the gym

2. I was the best at the bleep test

3. I enjoyed it when people admired me.

4. I have a posh British accent. (You might not think that is so great because everyone you know sounds like you, but to the rest of the world you all sound amazing)

just keep writing & writing. It's OK if you go past 15 minutes. Ideally I don't want you to even time yourself until you feel like you have run out of things to write down.

Now put the list away. The next day ask a close friend or family member what they think your good qualities are. It's better if you ask somebody who is truly in your corner like your mum. Write down what that person says. Add more stuff on your own. Ask another person. Do this for 7-10 days until you have a long list. Now put it away for a week. When you pull it back out, read it over & narrow it down to the 15-20 best things about you. Write those 15-20 things out on another sheet / screen. Put it away again. Pull it back out in another week & narrow it down to the true top 10. Put it away for a day. Make sure those are really the top 10. Now type those up nicely saying I am [whatever the quality is] & print them out. tape the list to your bathroom mirror. Read it out loud to yourself every morning & every night until you start to believe it.

Best wishes!

May 23, 2018

See, you asked a girl out cold and got rejected. Then you felt embarrassed and ashamed. That is the problem.

You asked a girl out cold, she knows you have balls even if she rejected you. You know you have balls because you did it. Instead of walking around ashamed, you need to walk around with an air of "look at the balls on me because I did something 80% of other guys wouldn't man up and do."

Whenever I have been rejected, yeah it sucks and takes a shot at your ego, but I just remember the same as I am not interested in every woman that is interested in me, the reverse is true.

Know what makes you look like you are top dog? Getting rejected and showing up the next day like it never happened and interacting with the women the same as you did the day before. Acting differently looks weak and makes it awkward. Handling rejection is part of looking strong.

May 23, 2018

See, you asked a girl out cold and got rejected. Then you felt embarrassed and ashamed. That is the problem.

You asked a girl out cold, she knows you have balls even if she rejected you. You know you have balls because you did it. Instead of walking around ashamed, you need to walk around with an air of "look at the balls on me because I did something 80% of other guys wouldn't man up and do."

Whenever I have been rejected, yeah it sucks and takes a shot at your ego, but I just remember the same as I am not interested in every woman that is interested in me, the reverse is true.

Know what makes you look like you are top dog? Getting rejected and showing up the next day like it never happened and interacting with the women the same as you did the day before. Acting differently looks weak and makes it awkward. Handling rejection is part of looking strong.

This is such great advice!

May 23, 2018

Be sure to ask a woman's name the first time you meet her and tell her yours. You build a rapport and then find out a little about them (like are they taken, have kids, like pets), and then ask them out.

May 23, 2018

99% of the women I've dated I've walked up to them, chit-chatted a bit, and asked them out. My present girlfriend I swam up to her, as we both were in a pool.

Each time you do approach a woman, you take away the fear and anxiety.

Think about when you were learning to ride a bicycle, at some point your Dad took the training wheels off of your bike and let you go. Sure you were scared, but you conquered that fear and went on to great adventures. Same with asking women out, face your fear and diminish its power.

And yes, I've been rejected more times than I can remember, but it didn't stop me. I have to admit, most women are polite in the rejection process... Usually a "No, thank you" or "I already have a boyfriend". Just go on to the next person.

May 23, 2018

Hi OP, I agree with the others that you are much too hard on yourself. I'm not a psychologist but from your post I noticed two things:

1. It sounds like you have self-esteem issues. I think talking to a therapist about this and about how to regain your confidence will help immensely. Seems like you're proud of what you did at the gym and that's great. Is there anything else that you're proud of--personal traits or accomplishments?

2. Your own level of attractiveness. Here is where I see a lot of guys get stuck. If you're closer to 41 than 21, but the girls you ask out are all in their early or mid-20s, you're going to be rejected. Gone are the days when women only cared about money. With higher incomes, better career paths, and more opportunities at work many younger women will only date men +/- 5 years in age. If you approach women closer in age that will help. Another task you must dis to realistically assess how good-looking you are. If you honestly look like Brad Pitt, then yes you can ask out an Angelina Jolie. Otherwise, you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment again. One way to gauge your level of attractiveness is to start asking out women who you don't find attractive. See who says yes. Then work your way up to prettier women who are being chased by more men. At some point you will hit a wall and women at that level of attractiveness will generally say no to you. It's not a numbers game, it's a Darwinian game. We all have an internal image of our own beauty but it gets distorted as we age. It's important to regain a realistic sense of your appeal, so you're not always chasing after unattainable women but ones who are actually available to you. People say there's no such thing as a rating of 5 or 10, but scientists disagree. Research shows that both men and women are unwilling to date someone who is less attractive than they are (unless this person has very high social status, wealth, etc). So, if your ballpark level of attractiveness is around a 6 and you are constantly pursuing an 8 or 9, chances are you're not going to be able to out-compete the other guys who are 9s and 10s pursuing the same girl.

A counselor probably would help in this situation!

May 24, 2018

Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time out of your day to read my post and reply with such care and thought. It means a lot guys thank you, I appreciate it. I feel that you all do truly understand me and it feels good to have you all in my corner. I have helped others out before on this forum and I think it's great how so many of you have given such useful and encouraging advice. I will PM you all responding to your specific points as I really value everything you all said. Thanks guys!

May 24, 2018

I also think you're being too hard on yourself ...

And I think your approach strategy is too hard and unnecessarily frightening.

So let's take the girl you saw on the street and said hello to for 8 months.

You suddenly asked her out ... and she said no, and you felt weird and rejected.

Here's an easier ... and I think saner strategy ... Next time you find yourself saying hello to someone consistently ... great ... now add a line ... So hey there. I see you everyday and say hello to you everyday ... I feel like you're part of my day ... So I wanted to introduce myself ... I'm X. No need to say more or ask more.

She will then greet you most likely and then introduce herself. You can ask where she works ... tell her where you work ... and you have forged now the beginning of a connection ...

So then the next times you see her, you call her by her name and she'll likely greet you by name.

Then at some point--if you find her interesting--then you can say ... "hey, I know this outta the blue and I understand if you don't have time, but I would love to meet you for coffee ... "

Right now you're going from a hello ... to asking out.

There is a ton of middle ground that you can cover ... and is much less frightening ... and in my view, it's in the middle ground that you will really figure out if this is someone you do want to ask out ... in the middle ground ... How was your weekend? ... you will even learn if she has a boyfriend ... or if she even dates guys ...

I'm a little different here ... but I don't think the goal is to ask her out ... I think the goal is to see if you enjoy talking to her ... and see if she seems to enjoy talking to you. If you feel comfortable that she seems to enjoying your little exchanges, then ask her out ... But I would stay low pressure and do coffee, after work ... something short ... something simple ... then from there ... if you find you still like her ... you build up to a full-out Friday night date.

Here's the other advantage ... When you do the gradual strategy ... you may find out ... about events she goes to ... How was your weekend? ... Oh great, she says, my girlfriends and i went to xx and yy ... Then you can ask about those events.

So you are expanding your social knowledge ...so even if you don't click with this woman, getting to know her ... may end up turning you on to a social scene where there are other interesting women ... Or she might invite to a party or event ... and you meet one of her friends who you really like.

May 24, 2018

Maybe I will just reply here haha, not sure PMs are working properly!

Streetlight23

Thank you for your detailed advice You are right I think I am too hard on myself, I am working on being better to myself. You are right that I should feel proud just for having the courage to ask even if she says no. I am not sure how I will handle it if I do get rejected again I suppose. I don't want to let it affect me. I just beat myself up for missing opportunities and feeling so self-conscious. I know that being the fittest in the class and feeling confident in that aspect maybe gives me an advantage that these girls already admire me in some way. I guess I overthink about these things and wonder when I talk to them if they are just nice and friendly or if they could possibly be interested in me as more.

You are right that there is a next time. I wish I didn't get so nervous about it because I am sure I can be confident and have no problem building something with her. It's just the initial part asking her out and all the unknowns. I have this immediate thing where I always think any beautiful girl in her mid-20s is already taken which I have to work on because obviously not all of them will be. I don't meet girls on nights out as I am not really a drinker or party guy. So the gym is the best place for me to meet people who are like me.

I think I carry myself with confidence it's just the talking to pretty girls part I find hard. There is like some barrier I need to overcome. But I can do it. Thank you for your kind support!

May 24, 2018

d0nnivain

Thank you for your reply! I am trying not to be too hard on myself for missing the opportunity last night. That's great advice about the lists, thanks! I already keep a notebook of positives from my days. I don't always write in it every day, but each time I have a positive interaction with someone or experience something good I write it down in there. This includes whenever I get smiled at by beautiful girls, which does happen sometimes. I will aim to list a few gratitude things too as I do appreciate the small things too.

About my British accent, it's a shame I am not living in America then right?! I think American women sound really cute too, guess it's that cultural difference! I actually have never dated an English girl. Maybe that's where part of the self-doubt comes in. Any I have liked before have been taken. I have had two beautiful Spanish girlfriends funnily enough. The first one I thought was the love of my life. That break up hit me hard. I have already spoken of that on here. The second one that was a mess and she was not a good person at all.

I think I might try that idea and ask my mum about my qualities, she is the only person I can really open up to.

Thank you d0nnivain!

May 24, 2018

ChatroomHero

Thanks for your support! You are right I have to make mindset shift and see it as a positive and brave thing to just ask in the first place. I think I worry too much about what I will say and how I can ask it in a relaxed way. I build it up too much and then dry up and don't say anything. I wish I could make a mindset shift where I can use the confident, strong, fit, in control, attractive feeling I get when I am working out when I am talking to girls I like. I can chat and be friendly with them I just need to find a way to move it on to asking them out. I put too much pressure on myself. I guess not having a physical relationship for more than two years has taken its toll on me and that's why it's very hard for me.

I hope to see this girl again soon and talk to her more and ask her out. It's usually the way that I hope to see her and then she doesn't turn up to the class that week haha. I will take your words on board and resolve to be brave and not let the outcome make me feel embarrassed or awkward, but proud of myself. Thank you!

May 24, 2018

preraph

Thanks! Yes you are right asking someone's name makes it so much more personal doesn't it? And also when you see them again and call them by their name I think that gets noticed and appreciated. I know I feel valued when people do it for me.

Often the girl I like is with a couple of her friends so it's hard to talk to her on her own. I want to let her get to know me though and get past the wall of just 'gym talk'. I will do my best to take your advice!

May 24, 2018

Happy Lemming

Thanks for that! Yes, I guess because I am so unused to asking girls out that is why it feels so nervewracking and uncomfortable. I know I must practice a bit more. I want to make an effort to say hello to more people and be open to conversations in general. I still find it very intimidating approaching beautiful women but yes you are right I should practice and hopefully like you, it will get easier for me. I have had beautiful girlfriends before so I know deep down I shouldn't be afraid of pretty girls. It's been so long I guess I have just lost a bit of confidence. Thanks so much for your advice!

May 24, 2018

firestar

Thanks a lot for your advice and yes I know I am too hard on myself and I am working on being kinder to myself. I know I am a good person with a lot to offer. I just have to make other people see me and let them in. I think I have these invisible walls I have built up over time after going so long without anybody here in my life.

I am proud of times when I have accomplished things like when I went to America on my own and met a group of people I didn't know and had a really great time. I felt confident even though it was a bit daunting. I felt proud of the relationship I had with my first girlfriend and who I was with her.

About attractiveness, I feel really confident in the gym. I don't have a perfect body but I keep myself strong and fit and I eat well. I think I am fairly attractive but that self-doubt creeps in after not having a girlfriend for so long or interacting with girls much. My first girlfriend was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen so I am sure that I can be physically attractive to other beautiful girls too and that I should not having anything to fear. I will get there! Thanks again!

May 24, 2018

Lotsgoingon

Thanks a lot for that detailed reply! I think you are right about trying a more gradual approach, I know with that girl I waited so long it just became this huge thing that it shouldn't really have ever become.

Yes, I think with the girl at the gym I need to ask her more about her life outside the gym and gauge her interest or if she already has someone.

Those tips are really helpful thanks, I do need to meet more people socially as people at the gym are my only social life. They are also the people I have most in common with so I guess that's a positive. Thanks!

June 28, 2018

Hey guys a quick update for you and hopefully you can help me out a little again.

Last night at my regular gym class I started talking to another girl for the first time. She comes to class almost every week but I had never spoke to her before. We chatted during the class and she seems really nice. She was complimenting me on how good I was at the bleep test and how fit I am. It felt good to get those compliments again from another beautiful girl. As we got to the end of the class I started feeling nervous as I wanted to ask her out but I didn't manage it. I then went to stretch and as I came out of the gym I saw her again coming out a shop nearby. I stopped and said hey but I felt really awkward because my mind was going crazy trying to think how to ask her out. There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence and then we ended up saying goodbye and see you next Wednesday.

I felt awful immediately and really stupid. I felt like I had another opportunity and blew it. It's like I have some mental block every time I am in that situation and feel under so much pressure. I can be confident in the gym and then when it comes to asking a girl out I freeze up. It's so frustrating because I know once I get past that I can relax and be myself. Any help or support would be really appreciated right now as I am trying my best not to beat myself up over this.

June 28, 2018

Another task you must dis to realistically assess how good-looking you are. If you honestly look like Brad Pitt, then yes you can ask out an Angelina Jolie. Otherwise, you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment again. One way to gauge your level of attractiveness is to start asking out women who you don't find attractive. See who says yes. Then work your way up to prettier women who are being chased by more men. At some point you will hit a wall and women at that level of attractiveness will generally say no to you. It's not a numbers game, it's a Darwinian game. We all have an internal image of our own beauty but it gets distorted as we age. It's important to regain a realistic sense of your appeal, so you're not always chasing after unattainable women but ones who are actually available to you!

I don’t think this is good advice. To measure a woman’s attractiveness by numbers is so demeaning, and also beauty is completely in the eye of the beholder. I think OP should ask out any woman he finds attractive, but definitely not ask someone out he doesn’t find attractive, just to “practice”. That’s incredibly unfair to that woman. Nobody wants to be toyed with.

OP, here is what i think: a lot of the advice given to you that has to do with building up your self-confidence and to work on your self-image is really valuable. Before you can even engage a woman in the manner you desire, you need to start to work on yourself. I do agree it can help seeing a therapist or counselor for this, just to get to the root cause of this. Surely a few rejections won’t warrant such high anxiety about asking people out - i fear there is more behind your anxiety that may have to be addressed.

I don’t think this is simply a case of changing your attitude, i think it’s a lot of working on your confidence and self-reflection you need to do.

That being said, you can ask out as many women as you want - once you meet “the one” you will notice very quickly that that’s who she is, and it will be much less difficult to ask that person out, because there will be chemistry and mutual attraction that cannot be denied. Fear of rejection is unlikely if you can sense that the other person feels the same way as you do.

However, i really hope you see some professional soon to help you work through your anxieties. In the meantime, you should do what the first few replies (Donnivain, streetlight, chatroomhero) suggested, with writing down your qualities and all these things

June 28, 2018

Hey guys a quick update for you and hopefully you can help me out a little again.

Last night at my regular gym class I started talking to another girl for the first time. She comes to class almost every week but I had never spoke to her before. We chatted during the class and she seems really nice. She was complimenting me on how good I was at the bleep test and how fit I am. It felt good to get those compliments again from another beautiful girl. As we got to the end of the class I started feeling nervous as I wanted to ask her out but I didn't manage it. I then went to stretch and as I came out of the gym I saw her again coming out a shop nearby. I stopped and said hey but I felt really awkward because my mind was going crazy trying to think how to ask her out. There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence and then we ended up saying goodbye and see you next Wednesday.

I felt awful immediately and really stupid. I felt like I had another opportunity and blew it. It's like I have some mental block every time I am in that situation and feel under so much pressure. I can be confident in the gym and then when it comes to asking a girl out I freeze up. It's so frustrating because I know once I get past that I can relax and be myself. Any help or support would be really appreciated right now as I am trying my best not to beat myself up over this.

Did you do any of the things the other posters suggested?

June 28, 2018

heavenonearth thank you for your words!

Yes the advice from everyone on here has been really, really helpful and I have heeded it. I write in a positives journal and also write about things I am proud of that happen.

I feel great about myself at times (I am far from perfect, but I am very fit and healthy and feel strong and attractive in the gym).

I think yes a fear of rejection is holding me back and not wanting to be embarrassed or look stupid. I have to combat this. I don't want to miss out on women because of this.

I haven't been in a relationship for two and a half years and I think this lack of dating and love and affection has knocked my confidence with women and maybe deep down I don't feel truly worthy. I know I am worthy of love and of any woman but there seems to be some confidence barrier when it comes to asking a girl out.

June 28, 2018

heavenonearth thank you for your words!

Yes the advice from everyone on here has been really, really helpful and I have heeded it. I write in a positives journal and also write about things I am proud of that happen.

I feel great about myself at times (I am far from perfect, but I am very fit and healthy and feel strong and attractive in the gym).

I think yes a fear of rejection is holding me back and not wanting to be embarrassed or look stupid. I have to combat this. I don't want to miss out on women because of this.

I haven't been in a relationship for two and a half years and I think this lack of dating and love and affection has knocked my confidence with women and maybe deep down I don't feel truly worthy. I know I am worthy of love and of any woman but there seems to be some confidence barrier when it comes to asking a girl out.

Have you talked to a therapist or counselor about this?

As i said, i suspect underlying issues to be causing this lack of confidence. I don’t think it has to do necessarily with past rejections by women, although they may have triggered this feeling, i don’t believe they are the root cause.

How old are you if i May ask?

2,5 years of being single is not long. I have friends who are single for much longer and don’t feel this way. I think you need to investigate where your lack of self esteem and anxiety really come from.

It’s hard to do that without therapy.

June 28, 2018

I am 27 years old now. I have thought about therapy it's just so expensive. I am trying to focus on taking care of myself, working out a lot, eating right and getting enough sleep. I think this will help increase my confidence. I carry myself well and with confidence, I just have to work on communicating better with girls.

June 28, 2018

I am 27 years old now. I have thought about therapy it's just so expensive. I am trying to focus on taking care of myself, working out a lot, eating right and getting enough sleep. I think this will help increase my confidence. I carry myself well and with confidence, I just have to work on communicating better with girls.

27 is not old.

You have plenty of time to meet the right woman.

Stop pressuring yourself.

I am 31 and my partner is 39. we met a year ago and we are the loves of each other’s lives.

Good things take time.

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Struggling with low self-confidence/asking girls out

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