How to make the first move without seeming aggressive/desperate?

[Hopeful30]

Its become evident over the years that for whatever reason, men are afraid to approach me. In general im a smiley, open and friendly person, so when I hit on a guy he usually thinks im just being myself (which i am, but with extra intentions wink wink).

 

Whats a way to express (verbally or otherwise) to a guy that im interested without being too explicit and scaring them off? Its like hunting deer, too subtle and you miss, too much and you scare them off.

 

To be honest Im sad that I have to start initiating too. Im already independent in everything else, the least i expect a man to do is at least chase how hes supposed to! (Old school mentality here, and i love gender roles too, its hard to live in such a westernized world when you're eastern European)

 

Im quite a catch. I always get stares and smiles, the occasional compliment, but nothing comes of it and I would rather no attention at all. Its like being told how smart you are but never being picked as a partner in class projects. Its confusing.

 

Ive never been broken up with. Im an awesome girlfriend and always have been, its being chased thats always the issue. Every man who has ever genuinely chased me ended up my boyfriend. All of these relationships have been good and healthy, but few. Do men just not chase anymore?

 

Suggestions?

Edited May 24, 2018 by Hopeful30

[Lotsgoingon]

You gotta say a little more about the context.

 

Do you mean how to signal interest to a guy at a party? ...at a bar?

 

Or how to signal interest to a guy who you pass on the street?

 

Or signal interest to a guy you're out on a date with and you guys are taking a walk after dinner or movie and he's not coming on to you?

 

Different contexts have different strategies.

[Hopeful30]

Signalling interest isnt what I mean. I signal interest all the time and men look like deer in headlights lol! Signalling interest is easy when a man shows interest, but it doesnt translate to him approaching.

 

Im trying to find a way to work around this and make a move since they cant or dont know how to lol

[basil67]

For what it's worth, I've made first moves before. I've also been told that I'm aggressive. But hey, it's also worked well for me.

 

Anyway, these stares and smiles you get...it sounds like you're talking about randoms in the street. So how could you change it up a bit so that you're in a situation where you actually get to talk with a new guy before considering if there may be romantic interest? I've always been very much in favour of meeting people in social situations rather than just a random guy on the street.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Signalling interest isnt what I mean. I signal interest all the time and men look like deer in headlights lol! Signalling interest is easy when a man shows interest, but it doesnt translate to him approaching.

 

Im trying to find a way to work around this and make a move since they cant or dont know how to lol

 

I'm not sure of the context, but from what you've said I guess my advice would be to engage in one-on-one conversation with good eye contact rather than shooting glances at every guy you're interested in in the room. Is there any extended (i.e. 5 minutes or more) conversation going on here?

[carhill]

Notice something about him and take an interest. The less obvious what you notice the more the impact. Remember, it's an interaction, not a marriage proposal.

[Hopeful30]

Thing is I rarely go to social gatherings. These circumstances are ideal but Im too busy running my life, which would be easier and less time consuming with a partner, but since I dont have one my life consists of doing everything that a standard couple does, except half the people so twice the time/money/responsibility (mortgage, financial obligations, work, study (moving forward in career as no partner with second income to contribute), home maintenance, dogs, family, and other duties too elaborate to name here)

 

It would be easier to make love a priority if I didnt have the responsibilities and obligations that many share with a partner, but im alone so have to do it independently which takes up most of my time and energy.

 

I signed up for online dating for this reason but its unsuccessful. A few words and a picture arent even the tip of the iceberg, yet I need to dedicate even more time and energy to filter and chat and make judgements gah!

 

All work and no play.

[firestar]

Its become evident over the years that for whatever reason, men are afraid to approach me. In general im a smiley, open and friendly person, so when I hit on a guy he usually thinks im just being myself (which i am, but with extra intentions wink wink).

 

Whats a way to express (verbally or otherwise) to a guy that im interested without being too explicit and scaring them off? Its like hunting deer, too subtle and you miss, too much and you scare them off.

 

To be honest Im sad that I have to start initiating too. Im already independent in everything else, the least i expect a man to do is at least chase how hes supposed to! (Old school mentality here, and i love gender roles too, its hard to live in such a westernized world when you're eastern European)

 

Im quite a catch. I always get stares and smiles, the occasional compliment, but nothing comes of it and I would rather no attention at all. Its like being told how smart you are but never being picked as a partner in class projects. Its confusing.

 

Ive never been broken up with. Im an awesome girlfriend and always have been, its being chased thats always the issue. Every man who has ever genuinely chased me ended up my boyfriend. All of these relationships have been good and healthy, but few. Do men just not chase anymore?

 

Suggestions?

 

Yes, American men do chase but nowadays you might need to break the ice first. Strike up a conversation with the guy you like. Chat like you're just friends. If it seems like the two of you click, then think about what you have in common--hobbies, interests, work etc. (hopefully, you have a way to contact him). Invite him out somewhere to an activity that you both enjoy (like what you might do with a regular friend). Keep the activity short (2-3 hours). If you still like him at the end of the date tell him you had a great time and that you'd like to see him again. That's it. After that the ball is in his court and he will decide if he wants to keep pursuing you and take things to the next level.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thing is I rarely go to social gatherings. These circumstances are ideal but Im too busy running my life, which would be easier and less time consuming with a partner, but since I dont have one my life consists of doing everything that a standard couple does, except half the people so twice the time/money/responsibility (mortgage, financial obligations, work, study (moving forward in career as no partner with second income to contribute), home maintenance, dogs, family, and other duties too elaborate to name here)

 

It would be easier to make love a priority if I didnt have the responsibilities and obligations that many share with a partner, but im alone so have to do it independently which takes up most of my time and energy.

 

I signed up for online dating for this reason but its unsuccessful. A few words and a picture arent even the tip of the iceberg, yet I need to dedicate even more time and energy to filter and chat and make judgements gah!

 

All work and no play.

 

Add two teenagers to parent and being self employed full time, and I get you, girlfriend. Lots of us are in the same boat . This is not answering our questions about where you are having these encounters you don't know how to manage.

[Hopeful30]

Yes, American men do chase but nowadays you might need to break the ice first. Strike up a conversation with the guy you like. Chat like you're just friends. If it seems like the two of you click, then think about what you have in common--hobbies, interests, work etc. (hopefully, you have a way to contact him). Invite him out somewhere to an activity that you both enjoy (like what you might do with a regular friend). Keep the activity short (2-3 hours). If you still like him at the end of the date tell him you had a great time and that you'd like to see him again. That's it. After that the ball is in his court and he will decide if he wants to keep pursuing you and take things to the next level.

 

This is good advice, but I must confess something. Not only do I mot want to take the lead because I feel men should, but adding planning and analyzing to guide interaction to a relationship is also time and energy consuming, things i already have very little of. Its why i want ro put my foot in the door, as men seem to be afraid to, to make the first move and then they can take it from there. Im too tired from life to be the guy in a relationship too lol

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is good advice, but I must confess something. Not only do I mot want to take the lead because I feel men should, but adding planning and analyzing to guide interaction to a relationship is also time and energy consuming, things i already have very little of. Its why i want ro put my foot in the door, as men seem to be afraid to, to make the first move and then they can take it from there. Im too tired from life to be the guy in a relationship too lol

 

Hmmm, why is it that you think you're busier than most people who also are single with full time jobs and other responsibilities to manage?

[Hopeful30]

Add two teenagers to parent and being self employed full time, and I get you, girlfriend. Lots of us are in the same boat . This is not answering our questions about where you are having these encounters you don't know how to manage.

 

I meant to edit an earlier post but it didnt save, sorry! To answer your question, all of these interactions are when Im about doing my business. Groceries, just walking outside because I enjoy being outdoors, eating out (yup, alone), shopping, parking lots, cafes, gym, bank etc. I dont really have time for much else lol thats why I was wondering what I can do to work with these circumstances to increase my chances of meeting someone

[Hopeful30]

Hmmm, why is it that you think you're busier than most people who also are single with full time jobs and other responsibilities to manage?

 

What makes you said that? I dont care about how busy others are lol

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What makes you said that? I dont care about how busy others are lol

 

lol! Yes, that's my point .

[Hopeful30]

lol! Yes, that's my point .

 

Please explain lol

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Please explain lol

 

OK .

 

You feel like you are very busy. Too busy to make an effort to put work into meeting someone, planning dates, keeping the momentum of a relationship going? Am I understanding correctly?

[Lotsgoingon]

Still don't quite understand:

 

Are you trying to get more dates and relaxed casual fun?

 

Are you trying to get a serious boyfriend?

 

Are you trying to have sex with more people?

 

Are you trying to get married?

 

What's the priority here? There is no all-encompassing strategy.

 

Since you mention a lot of success and happiness with previous boyfriends, if you ended on reasonable terms with these people, they would actually make good sources for this question. Ask some exes what the problem is ... ask them for tips ... assuming you broke up on good terms, exes can be amazingly helpful because they really know you ... and your styles and habits ...and tendencies (sometimes better than we know ourselves) ...

[Hopeful30]

OK .

 

You feel like you are very busy. Too busy to make an effort to put work into meeting someone, planning dates, keeping the momentum of a relationship going? Am I understanding correctly?

 

But I am making an effort. Im trying to find ways to meet more men despite this lol and ive also mentioned that the way i was raised and my mentality, it is the man who leads in a relationship (with woman having final say). I like this kind of relationship dynamic and its all i know to be honest. Has worked well for me so far I match well to this dynamic.

 

Could this be the issue? Is my particular relationship dynamic in the minority? Do most men prefer a different type of relationship and sense this difference in me? Could this be why interest mever goes further?

 

Hmm...

[Hopeful30]

Still don't quite understand:

 

Are you trying to get more dates and relaxed casual fun?

 

Are you trying to get a serious boyfriend?

 

Are you trying to have sex with more people?

 

Are you trying to get married?

 

What's the priority here? There is no all-encompassing strategy.

 

Since you mention a lot of success and happiness with previous boyfriends, if you ended on reasonable terms with these people, they would actually make good sources for this question. Ask some exes what the problem is ... ask them for tips ... assuming you broke up on good terms, exes can be amazingly helpful because they really know you ... and your styles and habits ...and tendencies (sometimes better than we know ourselves) ...

 

 

I am looking for relationship not picky about how serious at this time, but definitely something beyond pure carnal pleasure. I am looking for companionship and mutual respect.

 

I dont keep in touch with any of my exes, they dont take well to me after I end things lol but from these discussions throughout the relationships, biggest complaints have been my stubborness and pickiness. Biggest compliments, my intelligence and how good i take care of them (in every way, wink wink)

Edited May 24, 2018 by Hopeful30

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But I am making an effort. Im trying to find ways to meet more men despite this lol and ive also mentioned that the way i was raised and my mentality, it is the man who leads in a relationship (with woman having final say). I like this kind of relationship dynamic and its all i know to be honest. Has worked well for me so far I match well to this dynamic.

 

Could this be the issue? Is my particular relationship dynamic in the minority? Do most men prefer a different type of relationship and sense this difference in me? Could this be why interest mever goes further?

 

Hmm...

 

OK, so you're traditional in the sense you'd like a man to be leading. That's totally fine and good for you. (I'm very on board with that)

 

But you also said you only want to "put your foot in the door" and then basically the guy does the rest.

 

But, what if the guy is just as busy as you are in life? What if he also has a job, house, dogs, etc. (all the things you listed) to manage? From what you posted it seems like all you want to do is "arrive" and then the guy does the rest to start the relationship and keep it going, with you having "final approval" over all decisions because you're so "busy."

 

Is this fair to the man in the equation? What's in it for him? Shouldn't you be putting in some effort other than putting your foot in the door? Why is your time more important than his?

 

My point in saying all of this is that this could be a part of your problem.....expecting a relationship to fall into your lap simply because you are presenting yourself as available. Is that the way it works in your sphere? Does that seem fair? If so, why?

 

"Entitled" is the phrase that comes to mind.

[Hopeful30]

OK, so you're traditional in the sense you'd like a man to be leading. That's totally fine and good for you. (I'm very on board with that)

 

But you also said you only want to "put your foot in the door" and then basically the guy does the rest.

 

But, what if the guy is just as busy as you are in life? What if he also has a job, house, dogs, etc. (all the things you listed) to manage? From what you posted it seems like all you want to do is "arrive" and then the guy does the rest to start the relationship and keep it going, with you having "final approval" over all decisions because you're so "busy."

 

Is this fair to the man in the equation? What's in it for him? Shouldn't you be putting in some effort other than putting your foot in the door? Why is your time more important than his?

 

My point in saying all of this is that this could be a part of your problem.....expecting a relationship to fall into your lap simply because you are presenting yourself as available. Is that the way it works in your sphere? Does that seem fair? If so, why?

 

"Entitled" is the phrase that comes to mind.

 

 

Taking the lead and doing all the work are VERY dfferent things.

[Lotsgoingon]

And by the way:

 

Aggressive does not equal desperate in my way of thinking.

 

Desperate = willing to date/partner with anyone ... low standards ...

 

Desperate = not confident that you can be choosy ...

 

Aggressive = taking the initiative without guarantee of success ...

 

People can be aggressive ... and yes, I think there's more room these days for women to be aggressive---and still quite choosy and discriminating--in other words, not desperate at all.

 

So the only times aggressive = desperate is when someone just is willing to put up with any ole kind of relationship ... willing to compromise and contort themselves around another person ...

 

A confident woman approaching me ... and wanting to meet for lunch/dinner ... hang ... not a sign of desperation whatsoever ... especially if she's pretty open and honest about herself, her goals, her likes and dislikes ...

 

Desperate people try to hide ... and go generic ... because they are afraid of any real information about themselves might turn off the other person.

 

And all you can do--however aggressive you are--is give some energy to the possibility of connection. Still requires the other person to respond.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Taking the lead and doing all the work are VERY dfferent things.

 

OK, I'd love for you to explain the difference based on what you said upthread: "but I must confess something. Not only do I mot want to take the lead because I feel men should, but adding planning and analyzing to guide interaction to a relationship is also time and energy consuming, things i already have very little of. Its why i want ro put my foot in the door, as men seem to be afraid to, to make the first move and then they can take it from there. Im too tired from life to be the guy in a relationship too lol"

 

What's your role?

 

What's theirs?

[Hopeful30]

OK, I'd love for you to explain the difference based on what you said upthread: "but I must confess something. Not only do I mot want to take the lead because I feel men should, but adding planning and analyzing to guide interaction to a relationship is also time and energy consuming, things i already have very little of. Its why i want ro put my foot in the door, as men seem to be afraid to, to make the first move and then they can take it from there. Im too tired from life to be the guy in a relationship too lol"

 

What's your role?

 

What's theirs?

 

I will illustrate in examples, I feel that may get my message across better.

 

Him: We need to make a decision about XYZ.

Me: Lets talk about it and figure out what to do/next steps.

Together: we make the decision and follow through with it.

 

Him: Lets go out tonight.

Me: Oh! I know a great place on (location). I pick the time.

Together: we have a great date.

 

Him: Initiates sex.

Me: Initiates sex.

Together: just lots of sex.

 

Him: Pays for the food.

Me: Make meal/dinner/dish.

Together: we are fed.

 

Him: Works and makes more money, I stay home (example)

Me: Make sure his belly is full and balls are empty so he can thrive at work. Make the home.

Together: financial stability, have a home

 

Him: Takes me by the hand to a secret hideout.

Me: I take him next time. Blowjob.

Together: romantic time

 

Him: Made all the weekend plans.

Me: Made all the preparations for those plans.

Together: awesome getaway

 

Him: wants to make an investment

Me: research, discussion,

Together: consultation, decision making

 

See where im going with this? Leading and supporting are both very important roles. You cant have two leaders in a relationship. Again, this is the dynamic I know and love, yet it appears to pose a problem. Im trying to meet halfway by leading at first, but i suppose thats just a false promise. If a man isnt a natural leader, taking the first step for him wont make him one...

Edited May 24, 2018 by Hopeful30

[zouz71]

I will illustrate in examples, I feel that may get my message across better.

 

Him: We need to make a decision about XYZ.

Me: Lets talk about it and figure out what to do/next steps.

Together: we make the decision and follow through with it.

 

Him: Lets go out tonight.

Me: Oh! I know a great place on (location). I pick the time.

Together: we have a great date.

 

Him: Initiates sex.

Me: Initiates sex.

Together: just lots of sex.

 

Him: Pays for the food.

Me: Make meal/dinner/dish.

Together: we are fed.

 

Him: Works and makes more money, I stay home (example)

Me: Make sure his belly is full and balls are empty so he can thrive at work. Make the home.

Together: financial stability, have a home

 

Him: Takes me by the hand to a secret hideout.

Me: I take him next time. Blowjob.

Together: romantic time

 

Him: Made all the weekend plans.

Me: Made all the preparations for those plans.

Together: awesome getaway

 

Him: wants to make an investment

Me: research, discussion,

Together: consultation, decision making

 

See where im going with this? Leading and supporting are both very important roles. You cant have two leaders in a relationship. Again, this is the dynamic I know and love, yet it appears to pose a problem. Im trying to meet halfway by leading at first, but i suppose thats just a false promise. If a man isnt a natural leader, taking the first step for him wont make him one...

 

 

wow !

marry me