Do I really love him as much as I think?

[coolkiss]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have lived together for 3 of those years. The first two years I wanted him to be in my life so bad but he didnt want to be in a serious relationship. I couldnt stand the fact that he could be with me and love me but couldnt commit completley. We finally started to fall for eachother even more and moved in together. We have been happy and we are really good together. But now our relationship just feels like an old married couple. We used to have such an exciting love life but now it just seems like a ruitin. I am only 20 years old and I feel that my sex life should be alittle better. And I used to be so sexual and now I dont ever want him to touch me. I have been kind of confused on my life because I feel that I love him and I want to be with him but I just dont think that he is ever going to care to give me what I need. I have talked to him plenty of times and I have tried everything to make him want me...it just dosent work. Im really confused even more because one of his friends kissed me the other day and I think that I really liked it. And I cant stop thinking about him. I just feel that if I really loved my boyfriend as much as I thought I do.. I wouldnt have kissed his friend back. And I dont feel guilty about it but I love my boyfriend with all my heart! I just dont know if im just with him because im used to our relationship! What do I do? Im so very confused!

[Spectre]

"And I dont feel guilty about it but I love my boyfriend with all my heart! "

 

Thats all I needed to read, and I call bull**** on it, if you cared for him you would feel guilty BOTTOM line, dont try to play this off as "being used to him" or "having nothing exciting for a while" you flat out let one of his FRIENDS kiss you

 

have you even told him about that? if not that there shows you dont respect him, have you been in contact with his friend again since then? if so that there shows you dont respect or love him

 

Just dump the kid before you screw with his mind any worse, bottom like no matter how much excitement you're craving kissing his friend shouldnt be an option if theres love

[coolkiss]

I understand your thoughts completely and I knew that me putting these questions online...I would get a response like that. But I do really love my boyfriend. Everytime I think that maybe we should just both move on, I get scared of not having him in my life. There is much more to our relationship that you dont even know. We have such a great time together and we are good together but when I am being the everything in this relationship. He does nothing for me. I put in a 100% and he gives about 50%. I feel that when you are in a relationship as long as I have been in one, that both people should be doing for eachother. I cant let him go because he is my other half. But when you have someone in your life that does everything for you and he dosent even want to touch me. How the heck is that supposed to make me feel? Everything that made me..who I am, is gone. Every crazy, sexual, exciting, thing about us is gone! When I talk to him about my needs and that I need help around the house and doing things. All he says is "he is too tired to do those things" but really he is just lazy. I can say that I am a very attractive person and I have been completely honest and faithful till now but how can you be with someone and say that you love them so much but never want to touch or make love to them. I have talked to him, asking him why he dosent want to satisfy my needs and all he can say is his sex drive is going away. He is 23! Now, how is that? He says that he just isent a sexual person. Well, it used to not always be that way. Im sorry but I need to feel needed and you would think that me doing everything for him that he would find me even sexier. Yea, I know what I did was very wrong and I do feel bad about it. But its confusing me because even his friends see that I need someone to love me. When his friend kissed me, I did pull away for a second but it made me feel good to know that someone wants to love me. I have known his friend for a long time and nothing has ever happened like that but he sees that my b/f doesnt care for me. He says he does and I know he does but he acts like " since he has me there is no reason to try to make me feel good." I thought for a while that maybe it is me and I need to try to do more things for him and I did but that made him even worse. I cant just pick up and leave because we have so much. I do love him very much, no matter what anyone thinks. I dont understand how you can be with someone for that long and not care. I just dont know if our love for eachother is as strong as we think. Maybe we are just together because we are safe and content.

[animo]

There is a solution to your problem...

 

Leave him. Hes not connected to you anymore, end of story. You can say what you like but if your sexlife goes downhill or starts being non existant you are NO LONGER a couple. You're brother and sister at best. His lack of intrest in you romantically will only make you feel unwanted, you will start looking to satisfy your needs elsewhere, it will become stronger than yourself and when it does happen you will feel guilty about it...while actually you are only trying to fill up a void you are feeling...

 

Basically it's my opinion that people who lack sexdrive are not relationship material. Or yeah maybe with another person with no sexdrive, but the bottomline is that havng no sexdrive is NOT 'normal' it's due to biological or psychological problems and unfortunitly, the partners that are in relationships with them get the shaft from that.

 

If he's no longer intrested then that makes him a great friend who you are very close to but not a partner unfortunitly. You don't even have to leave him basically, he already left you, it's already over. Time to heal up and look for someone who will be intrested in you...

[mutton]

Could he possibly have another reason for not wanting to sex with you? such as a porn addiction (masturbating too much in a day), or another woman? It's something you should check in on. If its neither of those reasons, then it could be a serious medical problem that he needs to get checked out. A 23-year-old man with no sex drive is absolutely NOT normal. He's either getting his needs satisfied by other methods OR he has a medical problem.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if its none of the above, he may have just moved on and it's time for you to do the same. Leave him. Perhaps, he just does not have a legitimate sexual attraction and does not appreciate you anymore and is afraid to break up with you because he has been with you for so long. First investigate the reasons listed above, and then you need to have the "talk" with him about this. If he refuses to listen, break up with him and see what he says.

[riceboy]

Hi,

 

I am sort of in the same situation but have not cheated. We've talked and thing the best thing is for us to move out and see how we both feel. A lot of times living together without communication becomes very difficuly because both parties get so use to each other that they forget one another. Also you have to make sure that you both are not codependent...that may be the case but you have to move out.

[Silvergun]

"I have talked to him, asking him why he dosent want to satisfy my needs and all he can say is his sex drive is going away. He is 23! Now, how is that? He says that he just isent a sexual person."

 

He's not a man. You're the first girl I've come across who stays with their partner who feels this way. It's ridiculous if you think about it.

 

"I thought for a while that maybe it is me and I need to try to do more things for him"

 

Why? Why are you pushing yourself harder just to try to please him when he shows no affection to you. It's not your fault for him converting to gayness.

 

"I cant just pick up and leave because we have so much."

 

This is understandable since you've been together for 5 years. Now I see your emotional attachment issues with your b/f and why you do the things you mentioned above trying to "get" him to show affection again for you.

 

Maybe we are just together because we are safe and content.

 

Sounds pretty much like it. This will mean disaster down the road. It seems that you love him more than he "loves" you.

 

 

You're still young, what 20 years old. Why are you making yourself attached to him? In a relationship for 5 years at you age doesnt even exist in my book. I'm 21 and been in several relationships ranging from a few months. The longest relationship I've been in was about a year 1/2. I don't understand is why you are still in this relationship in which he doesn't really show any affection to you as before? My advice is if he still behaves this way, you should leave him because you deserve better than this. Looks like your trying to salvage this relationship that is already lost.

 

Btw, if you do leave him, do not try to get with his friend with whom you shared a kiss with. It will only complicate matters and create problems.

[coolkiss]

I think ya'll very much for your thoughts! I have talked to so many people to see what they think and if it is normal to have a relationship like this. I really love my bofriend and we have talked about alot of things to try and work what we have out. He understands me and I understand him as well. We went on vacation this weekend to spend some time with each other. It was really nice! He then proceeded to ask me to marry him and wanted to see if I was ready to try to have a baby. Thats crazy...that is the last thing on my mind right now. He thinks that we would be happier if we started our own family. Which that would be nice, we have been together for so long. But there is no way I am bringing my baby in this world not knowing how our lifes would end up. I really love him and I want to work out what we have. I cant just leave him because we have so much. Im hoping that maybe he will see that I am unhappy and need more. He has realized that im not going to stick around forever. I guess he just really got used to the fact that he doesnt ever do anything. He is starting little by little to help me. One of my flaws is that I keep everything inside and then I go crazy. I dont want to keep repeating myself but im not going to hold my thoughts in anymore. I am only 20 years old and I have a long life to live. So, for now im going to try to save our relationship. I feel that if I leave him, then im going to want him back and I wont have him. He is my life, I know that I would be fine without him but thats scary to see that happening. Thanks again for all of your thoughts!

[laRubiaBonita]

sooo......does he know that the other dude kissed you?

[coolkiss]

LaRubiaBonita, What you said had nothing to do with what I wrote, so, how about you write that to someone else. How did anything you said have to go with what im asking? Was that supposed to mean something b/c it just sounded like someones stupid quotes!

[crazy_grl]

LaRubiaBonita, What you said had nothing to do with what I wrote, so, how about you write that to someone else. How did anything you said have to go with what im asking? Was that supposed to mean something b/c it just sounded like someones stupid quotes!

 

I think it's a completely relevant question and directly related to your last post. You talked about how you had a nice vacation, he starting to help you, and you're trying to stay in this relationship. But if that's the case, you need to tell him that you were kissing one of his friends. Otherwise, that's very selfish of you and your relationship will continue based on deception and lies.

 

Overall, you sound miserable, and it sounds like the main reason you're still with him is because you're too scared to leave. You don't know how to go out and live on your own, so you're staying in a stituation where you've become miserable, hoping that it'll get better.

 

You deserve much better than a guy who shows no sexual or emotional interest in you, who tries to placate you with offers of marriage and having a baby. And if he genuinely wants to get married and have a baby with things the way they are, that's scary. One thing I want to give you props on is that you didn't take him up on that offer. Believe it or not, there are some girls who would've seen a marriage proposal as the magic solution to all the relationship problems. Good for you that you're not one of them.

[laRubiaBonita]

LaRubiaBonita, What you said had nothing to do with what I wrote, so, how about you write that to someone else. How did anything you said have to go with what im asking? Was that supposed to mean something b/c it just sounded like someones stupid quotes!

The quotes are my signature......... the question is sooo relevant that i am surprised it HAS not been asked yet, and you certainly did not say whether you told your Bf that you Cheated on him.

It sounds as if anything you bf does will not be good enough, because he is not the one you really want to settle for.

 

and i think crazy_girl said it best in her post above, that you are not happy....and your man does not know what to do other than propose...cause that is all guys think women are after in a longterm relationship, so i they provide a ring and babies the woman should be happy.

[coolkiss]

Thanks for your replies! I get what all of ya'll are saying. I know im not in a healthy relationship and I have cheated on him. Therefore, I should tell him but in my opionion I dont think that I should. I do really love him and want things to work. What I did was truley wrong but things happen. And some things are better left unsaid. I dont think that my relationship with my b/f will last very much longer. He was what I thought I wanted so badley but now I have realized that I have so much to live for and all he is doing is holding me back. And about him asking me to marry him...that is out of the question. I would not marry him now, and to be honest...I cant ever see myself marrying him. He is my everything but I am having to let him go slowley. I am extremely scared of change, just because I have been with him for so long. This is my life, for 5 years, I have lived and breathed him. I am so scared that I wouldnt be able to make it on my own. All of his friends are my friends, Everything that we have bought, we have bought together. All of our plans for our future will be ruined. Im trying to make myself think that this is a normal relationship, but I guess it just isn't good enough for me. I just dont think that I will be able to let him go!

[Kitteney]

you say "I used to be so sexual and now I dont ever want him to touch me" and then a few lines later you say "I have talked to him plenty of times and I have tried everything to make him want me."

 

don't touch me, touch me, which is it? the poor guy is confused and he has decided the punt with a proposal. and i think you might have some growing up to do.

[Outcast]

I agree with CrazyGirl - you are afraid to be on your own. You 'love' him because you are used to each other.

 

I just dont think that I will be able to let him go!

 

You have to or you'll end up marrying and then having a messy divorce. Stop this now and get out.

[coolkiss]

I am so freaking confused it is driving me crazy! I have realized that maybe I do need to grow more and this relationship is holding me back. I am a very mature person and I have had to pretty much raise myself. I moved out on my own when I was sixteen......I had to mature and teach myself the things I know. So, Kittney when you say that I need to grow up. I am grown, I just need more in my life that I dont have and I wont have with him. When I write the things I write, its because that is the only way I can express my feelings. There is so much more to my relationship that you do not know. I think that I need to take a break from him. I am scared out of my mind! I have never been this way. I have made all of my life decisions on my own, without anyone trying to tell me "no". I thought that I was stronger then I am but he has taken that away from me. I am trying to rebuild my confidince in myself so that I can get the courage to be on my own again. I told him last night that I am thinking about leaving him. He got so sad but when we talk it just goes throw one ear and out the other. He does things for the first few days and then stops. I guess he thinks if he tells me he loves me than we are okay. I cant keep living my life for him and him not doing the same for me. I deserve better. But I cant see myself without him. He is all I know!!!!!

[Brandi Renee]

Cool Kiss -

 

Go read my latest post on OH NO He is going to ask me to marry him.

[Sadlygone]

Hey Coolkiss,

 

What is is that you mean this relationship is holding you back? and "I just need more in my life that I dont have and I wont have with him". and "He was what I thought I wanted so badley but now I have realized that I have so much to live for and all he is doing is holding me back." I think this is exactly what has happened to me, but my ex will not tell me her exact feelings. I have an idea of why. This will help me greatly.

 

Thanks

[Spectre]

I understand your thoughts completely and I knew that me putting these questions online...I would get a response like that. But I do really love my boyfriend. Everytime I think that maybe we should just both move on, I get scared of not having him in my life. .

 

Yeah, and that would be believable had you not been kissing other dudes, bottom line anyway you spin it that isnt love

 

There is much more to our relationship that you dont even know. We have such a great time together and we are good together but when I am being the everything in this relationship. He does nothing for me. I put in a 100% and he gives about 50%..

 

If youre unhappy leave him, dont cheat with his friend, thats just low

 

I feel that when you are in a relationship as long as I have been in one, that both people should be doing for eachother. I cant let him go because he is my other half. But when you have someone in your life that does everything for you and he dosent even want to touch me. How the heck is that supposed to make me feel?.

 

It shouldnt make you feel like kissing his friend lol, communication can work wonders

 

Everything that made me..who I am, is gone. Every crazy, sexual, exciting, thing about us is gone! When I talk to him about my needs and that I need help around the house and doing things. All he says is "he is too tired to do those things" but really he is just lazy. I can say that I am a very attractive person and I have been completely honest and faithful till now but how can you be with someone and say that you love them so much but never want to touch or make love to them. I have talked to him, asking him why he dosent want to satisfy my needs and all he can say is his sex drive is going away. He is 23! Now, how is that?.

 

I really dont know how he has no sex drive at 23, but what I do know is that nothing in that paragraph was grounds for kissing his friend, and the fact that you've been faithful "till now" speaks wonders

 

 

He says that he just isent a sexual person. Well, it used to not always be that way. Im sorry but I need to feel needed and you would think that me doing everything for him that he would find me even sexier. Yea, I know what I did was very wrong and I do feel bad about it. But its confusing me because even his friends see that I need someone to love me. When his friend kissed me, I did pull away for a second but it made me feel good to know that someone wants to love me.

 

Uh huh, youre making excuses again, everyone needs to be loved to an extent, im not in a relationship right now, you dont see me out kissing other girls under the guise of "I need love" I mean come on, its "confusing" that his friend (what kind of friend kisses his friends gf? he aint no friend) see's you need love? the same friend that probably wants to get inside your pants, yeah

 

I have known his friend for a long time and nothing has ever happened like that but he sees that my b/f doesnt care for me. He says he does and I know he does but he acts like " since he has me there is no reason to try to make me feel good."

 

You know, if I was your bf I would of beaten this kid down by now, he sounds like a litte b*tch putting ideas in your head to ultimately just try to take advantange of your situation and get in your pants, yet i bet you still consider this kid a "friend"

 

 

I do love him very much, no matter what anyone thinks. I dont understand how you can be with someone for that long and not care. I just dont know if our love for eachother is as strong as we think. Maybe we are just together because we are safe and content

 

Yeah, and I cant understand how you can kiss your bf's friend if you can be with someone that long, your relationship has problems true, but not one single thing excuses what you did

[Spectre]

Thanks for your replies! I get what all of ya'll are saying. I know im not in a healthy relationship and I have cheated on him. Therefore, I should tell him but in my opionion I dont think that I should. I do really love him and want things to work. What I did was truley wrong but things happen.

 

Things happen? BS, christ, is every damn girl this frickin deceitful? its sad

 

 

And some things are better left unsaid. I dont think that my relationship with my b/f will last very much longer.

 

I felt sorry for you when I read your first post, but you brought this on yourself, it seems like YOU are messing with this kid, "Oh he wont have sex with me" then "oh I dont want him to want to have sex with me" I mean christ, and now you've convinced yourself not telling him is a good idea? why the hell are you with this kid? seriously, this post has gotten retarded

[eddpad]

The whole cheating **** is ****ed up. It's natural for you to be feeling all these things because if you went out with him for 5 years and yo are 20, that would make 15 when you got with him. He is your only one and you are at an age where, from what I've read, most girls seem to want to be free of anything serious and "live life" and "find out who they are".

 

But don't break up with the guy because these doubts you hae been having lately. Look, the longer a relationship grows the more it's going to be built upon companionship, commitment and dedication. Don't get stupid and throw five years away because the both of you aren't clawing up the walls anymore or doing crazy **** liek the when the both of you first met. THIS HAPPENS IN ALMOST EVERY RELATIONSHIP(Leaving the 1% open here). The only reasons you shoudl most definitely move outside of a relationship are for: abusive reasons, cheating and incompatability, but of course, you would have known a LONG time ago if the both of you didn't click.

 

If I were you, and this is rare giving this advice, because I also went out with my ex for 4 years and she dropped that old line on me. Being young, wanting to have friends and fun and just not be in anything serious. So it's kinda weird typing this here telling you to do it for yourself and not because it's anything bad between the two of you. I only say this because from most girls who don't give themselves this chance, they usually end up regretting it later and trust me, a divorce of any kind, kids or not, sucks ass.

 

Remember, this feeling that you're getting, that's every relationship, half of the marriages these days don't last and even less than that doy ou actually find a SUPERB relationship between two people. Don't get distraught because of the way you feel, trust me, no matter how sexy, daring or adventurous the next guy you see, you'll probably get sick of him or just end up feeling the same way. Don't do this because you think you and your bf failed, but b ecause you want to give youyrself some time, because if you don't, you'll never know what might have been or happened.

 

P.S. I know it's long but one more thing. Most people always look ont he other side of the fence thinking it's much more exciting or better in general. All of this is a perception. Happiness is a perception. If you can sit down and be content withy our situation, then you can be happy. But obviously it sounds like your someone who looks at toehr things too much and says "why can't I have that or be like that". Just a thought.

 

I hope i helps.

[coolkiss]

For all of the mean people who think that I am just a B****, you can think all you want. I love my b/f, I know what I did was wrong! He just doesnt get me anymore. The answer to sadleygones guestion: When I say that he is holding me back, i mean, he isent giving me anything. He just doesnt care to do anything for me and all my dreams, everything that we have planned in life arent happening. We live together in a one bedroom apartment. Which I know we are young and cant have everything right now but I dont think he will ever do anything. When he lost his job a year ago, he sat on his a$$ for 2 monthes untill I finally had to find him a job. I had to take care of him and pay for his bills. If I lost my job, he wouldnt do that for me. If I left him, he would just move back into his moms house. I will be able to have my own house. I make so much money and I have nothing. Nothing to show for. All of my money goes on us and not me. All of his money goes on him, & him only. Money isent everything but if he was pleasing me in other ways I wouldnt have to throw that out. I do EVERYTHING! As far as cleaning, cooking, washing all of his clothes, paying for us to do anything, etc. All he does is work, come home and sit on his a$$. I am tired of living my life for someone that doesnt do the same for me. I feel that I would have so much more if I was on my own. I dont want to give up what we have and I deffintly dont want to start a new relationship with any other man. But I do think that I would be much better at pleasing myself. I could have so much more!

[crazy_grl]

Remember, this feeling that you're getting, that's every relationship, half of the marriages these days don't last and even less than that doy ou actually find a SUPERB relationship between two people. Don't get distraught because of the way you feel, trust me, no matter how sexy, daring or adventurous the next guy you see, you'll probably get sick of him or just end up feeling the same way. Don't do this because you think you and your bf failed, but b ecause you want to give youyrself some time, because if you don't, you'll never know what might have been or happened.

 

Sorry, but just because a lot of relationships fail and get boring doesn't mean people should just live with that. The main reason they fail is because one or more of the people involved get lazy/complacent/uninterested and stop working to make it a good relationship. It sounds like her bf has done this. A person shouldn't stay in a relationship they get nothing out of and put everything into because "that's what normally happens." If a person is unhappy and their partner is unwilling to work with them to change that, they should find someone who will.

 

And generally, the companionship thing happens after many, many years. 5 is not a long time, and it's especially worrisome that people in their early 20's would have a relationship so void of sex.

 

Of course the grass isn't always greener but sometimes it is.

[crazy_grl]

For all of the mean people who think that I am just a B****, you can think all you want. I love my b/f, I know what I did was wrong! He just doesnt get me anymore.

 

The people who are criticizing you for cheating on your bf are thinking about his feelings. And no matter how bad your current relationship is, there's no excuse for cheating. In the future, you should end your current relationship before messing around with other guys.

 

The answer to sadleygones guestion: When I say that he is holding me back, i mean, he isent giving me anything. He just doesnt care to do anything for me and all my dreams, everything that we have planned in life arent happening. We live together in a one bedroom apartment. Which I know we are young and cant have everything right now but I dont think he will ever do anything. When he lost his job a year ago, he sat on his a$$ for 2 monthes untill I finally had to find him a job. I had to take care of him and pay for his bills. If I lost my job, he wouldnt do that for me. If I left him, he would just move back into his moms house. I will be able to have my own house. I make so much money and I have nothing. Nothing to show for. All of my money goes on us and not me. All of his money goes on him, & him only. Money isent everything but if he was pleasing me in other ways I wouldnt have to throw that out. I do EVERYTHING! As far as cleaning, cooking, washing all of his clothes, paying for us to do anything, etc. All he does is work, come home and sit on his a$$. I am tired of living my life for someone that doesnt do the same for me.

 

Often when I hear someone saying that they do everything for someone and that person does nothing in return, that person is simply being too self-centered to see the things the OP is doing for them. Eventually, the OP finds they're not getting any credit for what they are doing, so they just give up entirely.

 

Don't know if this is what's happening with you, but before you end the relationship, take a closer look at what he is doing, not what he isn't. Express to him specifically what you'd like him to do and why (without attacking), and find out if there are things he'd like you to do. If he doesn't make an effort to change, then you shouldn't stick around hoping things will get better, because they won't.

[coolkiss]

Thank you crazy girl for you remarks to my post. I really appriciate all the advise I can get. We are trying to work out our relationship and he does know about his friend now. He isn't happy about it at all but he sees that he isnt doing anything for me to keep me happy. He says he is going to try but that I got him used to not doing anything. He was raised with his mother doing everything for his father, which I was raised with my mom only and I learned to have to do everything on my own. He never had to do anything so I guess he thinks that I am here to do it all for him. I dont want to anymore! We moved out on our own at such an early age that we had to do things for ourselves because no one else is going to do it for us. But I have to do it all. We have talked about what he can do to help me out, he is trying but that will last about a week. Once he sees im happy again, he will stop. Our lease is up in January and I told him that if our lifes together dont get better then this relationship isnt going to work. I know that most relationships that have lasted this long, just end up this way but im not satisfied with that. I just picture us in 5 years, living in an apartment still, having a baby and me being pregnant having to take care of our kids, him, the house duties and still having to work. He will be a great dad but in his mind he thinks that it should be the motherly women that has to take care of everything. I just dont want to be miserable doing everything for the person I love and not getting anything in return. I think that the only way he will truly see what he has, is is I left him. You know I wouldnt have much problem doing all these things for him...if he actually made love to me or did something for me. Nothing! He does nothing! And I am tired! He is going to drive me to be a crazy old lady. I just dont want to just deal with the fact that I wont ever have that intimate sexual relationship. Many people say that sex doesnt matter, well when you are 20 years old..it does matter. It matters alot. If we dont have it now at 20, then we arent going to ever have it. Im sorry but I need sex or something. I will soon see what my life is all about. Why does life have to be so damn confusing?????????