What is true love? Any happily married/long-term partnered people who found it?

[Ruby Slippers]

What is true love? Do you want it? Do you have it? Silly teenage notion?

 

I'm guessing it's probably 5% of people or less who do.

 

I'm curious to hear from anyone who's been with their partner for 5 years or more and feels they found TRUE LOVE Tell me about it!

[Art_Critic]

I have only been married going on 11 years this coming September so I don't fall into the truly long term couple but I would sum it up like this:

 

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.

My marriage has gone thru it's up and downs but sitting in the middle on the bench to me is what keeps us together.

 

What is true love... I don't really know how to answer that.. all I know is that we love one another and we are human, plunking along trying to make it all work and we are doing it with each other in mind...

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm curious to hear from anyone who's been with their partner for 5 years or more and feels they found TRUE LOVE Tell me about it!

 

My wife and I have remained good friends, frequent companions, enthusiastic lovers, (fairly) effective parents and devoted grandparents after 35 years together.

 

Not sure it that's "true love" but it's a nice life ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

DH & I will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary in the Fall. I think we have true love; I hesitate because I thought I had it in a 11+ year dating relationship but that ended.

 

It's a mix of a sense of solid reliability, some sex appeal, some infatuation / lust, lots of friendship / caring. It just IS. You don't question it. You inherently know the other person will be there for you. There is the comfort & strength you draw from the other person as well as what you offer to them. It's a partnership, that you are more then just you. You are part of something bigger.

 

On of the things that was missing in my long term dating relationship was I always resented the fact that my live in BF wouldn't take that last step down the aisle with me. His insistence that he doesn't believe in marriage always made me question my own value, why wasn't I good enough to marry. Eventually that broke the final piece of my heart & I had to get out. Although he has been with another woman for at least 8 years now (At least that is how long I have known about her) he still never married.

[Woggle]

This June we will be married 12 years and while I don't believe in fairytales or any of that I am grateful everyday that she came into my life. We are one of those couples who are still in love and are not afraid to show it and I wouldn't have it any other way. She is a beautiful person on the inside and out.

[georgia girl]

My husband and I will be married for five, together for 8... so not long-term (yet).

 

It is what Donnivan, Mr. Lucky and Woggle said. It is solid, sometimes sexy, sometimes plain; sometimes funny, sometimes just plodding along. It is both the most rewarding thing you have ever done and sometimes, the most remarkably easy thing you will ever do. It is wanting more for your partner than you want for yourself and knowing he wants the same - so you have absolute confidence in his love and affection. It’s mundane and then sexy.

 

It is also amazingly durable. It is the thing that lasts. It needs nurturing, but there is a warm, safe space that is always there for the two of you. As Donnivan said, it just IS.

[Els]

Almost a decade for us, quite happy.

 

I think this is one of those things that different people have different definitions of. To me, "true love" is someone who sticks with you through thick and thin, who prioritizes your happiness and well-being, who cares about you beyond what you can provide for them, whom you enjoy spending time with and being intimate with and you feel like your relationship could stand the test of time.

 

Some may think that this is too idealistic a perception, but IMO I've definitely experienced it, with a caveat: Nothing in life is perfect, oneself and loved one(s) included.

[Rockdad]

Married 18 yrs. There are so many nights I hate to go to sleep because it's now one less day in our lives we get to be together. We are hopelessly deep in love with each other and extremely happy in our marriage plus having fun in it!

[IndigoNight]

My husband and I have been together over 19 years (married for over 16) and are passionately in love with one another. To us, true love is accepting one another, flaws and all (but not unconditionally so). It is being able to forgive one another even when we're angry. It is being supportive, even when we feel like the other person is being selfish. It is being able to look forward to growing old together, even though our past has been imperfect, and at times painful. True love does not keep score. True love is not perfect. True loves means that we have accepted one another for who each of us is, and always seeking ways to be a better spouse to one another.

 

It works for us, but neither of us would say that our relationship is perfect, or the "right" way for anyone else. I think that each person, or couple, has their own definition of what love is for them; be it true love, love, soulmate, or whatever term they use.

[standtall]

22 yrs married, 3 kids,. We still really enjoy each others company. A few things that we have discovered. We accept each other as we are. We put each others considerations first before anybody elses...including the spawns.

[thefooloftheyear]

At the risk of being a wet blanket, "true" love is probably more to do with alignment of life goals and priorities with an added benefit of someone you find attractive physically, rather than butterflies, rabid sexual chemistry, rainbows and unicorns.....

 

As much as I hate to say it, from my experience there is a lot of luck involved with this...And its probably easier to find it later in life when your priorities shift away from the more frivolous aspects of selecting a partner..to the more pragmatic..

 

 

TFY

Edited May 31, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[Mr. Lucky]

As much as I hate to say it, from my experience there is a lot of luck involved with this...

 

And also a lot of work. In a LTR, true love isn't encountered, it's earned...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Been with my partner for 25+ years and still very happy together.

 

I'm not romantic, so I'm going to have to follow on from TFY's comment. Do we love each other? Absolutely. But it's not true love which makes the relationship last, it's compatibility, consideration and compromise.

 

I don't even know what "true love" means.

[alphamale]

What is true love?

 

true love happens when two people are 100% compatible and similar in almost every way. it happens very rarely. I know only one married couple that may qualify.

[Logo]

I'm single at the moment. But in all my relationships I have tried to stick to some basic rules.

 

 

 

1. Support and encourage my significant other as if it were just the two of us against the world. Not in any negative sense, simply in the sense that we will stay faithful and supportive of each other no matter what difficulties we may face, either individually or as a couple.

 

 

 

2. Share my thoughts and feelings to nurture emotional intimacy and bring my partner into the decision making process that might affect our relationship or both of us as individuals. The way I see it, we are both mirrors for each other. We bounce ideas off of each other, we debate, we seek feedback.

 

 

 

3. Above all, there needs to be passion and a strong desire to be with someone. Relationships need work, not in the early stages, but when the going gets tough, that's the true test of a relationship. So if the two make it out alright, then they have weathered the storm and have strengthened the bond between them.

 

 

 

To clarify, in my description above, in no way am I referring to codependency, loss of one's personal identity in favor of satisfying and appeasing the other person. Nor am I referring to being needy and overwhelming one's partner with one's own personal issues. Because, once that happens, your partner becomes your therapist and might as well adopt you as a mother. That's not what I am referring to. I draw a distinction between the three points, and what I wrote in this paragraph.

 

 

 

That's what love means to me. I have had partners who had some of these attributes, but lacked others and vice versa. No one is perfect so clearly, I had to compromise -- and that's another part of being with a partner. It can't be, "my way or the high way." One can't be selfish and narcissistic or inconsiderate.

 

 

 

Sometimes the positives outweighed the negatives in my partner's personality and behavior. And that's where I saw potential for a relationship. But as time went by, the negatives started to creep up and overshadow the positives to the point that I no longer recognized that person anymore. They turned 180 degrees on me.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, the notion of love these days, at least in my view, is clouded and misconstrued.

 

 

 

Based on my own observations, I have a feeling that most people, especially under 40, think that love is a combination of a "spark", a vague term for "The sex is good and I'm attracted to him, and we get along ok."

 

 

 

My ideas of love are rooted in old fashioned concepts like integrity, kindness, compromise, passion and commitment.

 

 

 

These notions have long been abandoned and given way to mind games, lies, bull*** and materialism, not in the sense that a person can support himself or herself without relying financially on their partner, but in the sense that people want to emulate Hollywood celebrities and reality show stars to the point that their concept of what's real and what's scripted and fake has been warped.

 

 

 

Many of you, for example, must have noticed how the minute you made one tiny little mistake, your partner called it quits.

 

 

 

On the flip side, I find that for many, love is about physical attraction first, followed by sex, and later they try to figure out if they can get along with each other or not.

 

 

 

There are no basic noble values in today's dating world anymore. It's every man or woman for his or her self. It's been ingrained in us that individualism is the American ideal to aspire to. And I agree, it's the way it should be.

 

 

 

But most people have taken that to an extreme to the point that they do not care about their fellow man or woman from a relationship perspective. Even people in relationships, and I see that on here all the time, they first ask themselves "Is this move that I'm about to make good for me?" Instead of asking, "Is this good for the relationship? Can it somehow be fixed through clear and open communication? Could we possibly reach a compromise that satisfies both our needs".

 

 

 

Instead, and I've read it a lot on this website, people make a decision on their own that's to their benefit and then they inform their partner, "Sorry, this isn't going to work." And then the partner is caught off guard wondering what happened.

 

 

 

It's almost as if dating has turned into shopping, if it doesn't fit me 100%, then I'm going to move on. Why bother?

 

 

 

At the end of the day, folks, you can't have it all.

Edited May 31, 2018 by Logo

[gone_girl]

I haven't had the pleasure yet. But I have witnessed it.

 

A woman in my family for her husband of 70 years:

- Was he handsome you ask? Not very. But I married him because I could feel him. I felt what he felt. I felt sorry for him. In a good way. Everyday I saw him from the window, carrying coals from his workshop to his house at lunchtime so he could cook his lunch. And admired his independence. He could do everything. It made me want to take care of him. When I chose him, my mother said 'but you're going to have to wash all his smudged work clothes!' and I said 'I don't care! Ill 'take him'.

 

And her husband of 70 years

- She was a cute little thing. But what I liked the most is how she was happy and always singing. Alone, in fairs,everywhere. One night, she was singing in a fair and approached me in front of everyone, gave me a look full of intent and handed me a flower. She was always giving. I never met such a kind person in my whole life. There aren't other people like this in the world.

 

 

This is a true story. She got dementia at some point, but she never stopped worrying about him. She was even jealous of the nurses who were able to nurture him better than she could in her situation. One time he went back home from the hospital, weak and tired. She cried when she saw him and was caressing his hair really softly for a very long time. Later she drove him crazy by asking him if he wanted food every 5 minutes and covering him with a bunch of blankets (and that helped him recover his old feisty self very fast - at some point he was like 'LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want food and blankets')

 

When her illness worsened he was weak, but he was serving her milk and biscuits every morning and didn't complain when she woke him up in the middle of the night to eat. They weren't supposed to be eating sugar, but hell, he was buying chocolates by the pound, in secret. They must have been thinking 'well, 90 years old IS the time to be decadent. YOLO'.

 

At some point she got really tired and left in her sleep. He couldn't bear to live without her and followed some months later. Being with someone for 70 years merges you with them for good, it's almost as if you're parts of the same entity. <3

[gone_girl]

And to answer your question, I believe in it and I want it. Hope to be lucky to love and to be loved a lot, with no ifs and buts.

[Leigh 87]

We had the chemistry/ love at first site. Which as you know, makes for nice sex and an exciting few months. That's really it, it isn't true love I don't believe in it.

 

I do believe in some instances though, that earth shattering initial feeling can lead to a safe and secure long term relationship. But the initial thrill of meeting someone, even with all the "instant" chemistry in the world- it goes away. It never constantly feels like the thrill of meeting and first falling in love, on a constant basis, years later.

 

I guess a true spark can lead to something lasting at times; providing you're compatible and want the same things in life.

 

 

We met randomly. Walked past each other nearly 3 years ago. I knew at age 28, that at times, I was apt to meeting a man who I instantly felt a spark with. And then we would have sex and that is all it was.

We then went through enormous personal hardships. Me doing podiatry school to better myself at a mature age with no money or prior self respect or much self believe; he was a drug addict to hard drugs. He relapsed a year and a half after we met.

 

Basically- we went through everything that should ruin any fledging relationship. We did take time off.

 

We are engaged to be married now. He quit drugs and got a good job. I am almost done with podiatry college/university.

 

I think true love is both having some romantic spark (u can't fake it or manufacture it), and also being able to want to ve together through even the worst lowest moments of your lives.

 

I also saw that our love made us into better, more functional people.

 

Lastly- I don't think people who look too hard find it. It happens to us when we were not desperate for a relationship. Wanting it badly used to make me try to see something that wasn't there.

[guest569]

True love never dies. It is not necessarily demonstrated by a relationship withstanding the test or time. It is not necessarily requited. It is a feeling of love that simply lasts. “True” distinguishes it from a superficial or premature declaration of love. True love is deep and real.

[Gaeta]

I felt true love toward each of my life partner and I know they loved me as much. True love is when you would give your life for each other. True love may or may not last a life time.

 

 

Sometimes events change us and true love isn't possible anymore. It doesn't mean it wasn't true love while it lasted. Example my ex-husband loved me, I never doubted his love for me one moment but events in his childhood and many dysfunctions kept him from materializing that love toward me in a healthy way.

 

 

 

I also beleive that true love that last a life time has a lot to do with luck. You happen to fall in love with someone highly compatible with you.

[No_Go]

Great for you Leigh! I was wondering about your story.

 

I found the meaning of true love too. I was in denial for a while that this relationship is even possible , there were so many prohibiting circumstances, but what we have I believe is an exceptionally solid connection. There was never the ‘will he call’ or ‘will he keep his word’ anxiety, he telepathically gets my mood before even telling him how my day was and vice versa. We haven’t had a single argument and I don’t see it happening because we’re aligned on nearly everything and putting the well-being of the other as a priority. It started off as friendship but the chemistry was there throughout, so it all feels very natural - like it was something that just had to happen and the life so far was preparing us for this time:)

 

The main thing that IMO distinguishes true love from other forms is the loss of ego- my main priority is him / us, not achieving some artificial ‘milestones’ or appearing ‘perfect’ in the eyes of others.

 

We had the chemistry/ love at first site. Which as you know, makes for nice sex and an exciting few months. That's really it, it isn't true love I don't believe in it.

 

I do believe in some instances though, that earth shattering initial feeling can lead to a safe and secure long term relationship. But the initial thrill of meeting someone, even with all the "instant" chemistry in the world- it goes away. It never constantly feels like the thrill of meeting and first falling in love, on a constant basis, years later.

 

I guess a true spark can lead to something lasting at times; providing you're compatible and want the same things in life.

 

 

We met randomly. Walked past each other nearly 3 years ago. I knew at age 28, that at times, I was apt to meeting a man who I instantly felt a spark with. And then we would have sex and that is all it was.

We then went through enormous personal hardships. Me doing podiatry school to better myself at a mature age with no money or prior self respect or much self believe; he was a drug addict to hard drugs. He relapsed a year and a half after we met.

 

Basically- we went through everything that should ruin any fledging relationship. We did take time off.

 

We are engaged to be married now. He quit drugs and got a good job. I am almost done with podiatry college/university.

 

I think true love is both having some romantic spark (u can't fake it or manufacture it), and also being able to want to ve together through even the worst lowest moments of your lives.

 

I also saw that our love made us into better, more functional people.

 

Lastly- I don't think people who look too hard find it. It happens to us when we were not desperate for a relationship. Wanting it badly used to make me try to see something that wasn't there.

[Gaeta]

The main thing that IMO distinguishes true love from other forms is the loss of ego- my main priority is him / us, not achieving some artificial ‘milestones’ or appearing ‘perfect’ in the eyes of others.

 

 

Well said !

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

We then went through enormous personal hardships. Me doing podiatry school to better myself at a mature age with no money or prior self respect or much self believe; he was a drug addict to hard drugs. He relapsed a year and a half after we met.

 

Basically- we went through everything that should ruin any fledging relationship. We did take time off.

 

We are engaged to be married now. He quit drugs and got a good job. I am almost done with podiatry college/university.

 

I also saw that our love made us into better, more functional people.

 

 

Wow, good for you! That's some serious stuff to go through and come out stronger for it. Congrats .

 

Good podiatrists rock . I've never been for myself, but my son looooovees going even when it involves injections in his toes for ingrown toenail issues. All doctors we've encountered are so personable! And I think the field needs more women for sure .

[Veronica73]

I think the love I have for my ex-husband is true love. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt or experienced before. Even though I’m the one who ended the relationship, I have never stopped loving him and have some hope that we may find our way back to each other someday. I feel like he will always be part of me.

 

Edit: and I think it has a lot to do with accepting and loving your partner, flaws and all, and also doing things for the benefit of the partnership and who you are together. You are stronger together and try to be the best version of yourself you can be.

Edited June 2, 2018 by Veronica73

[Logo]

The main thing that IMO distinguishes true love from other forms is the loss of ego- my main priority is him / us, not achieving some artificial ‘milestones’ or appearing ‘perfect’ in the eyes of others.

 

Do you feel that the loss of ego is something a person undergoes at any given time in life and it stays with him or her until the next relationship, or is it something that develops throughout a relationship, after the two have gotten to know each other?

 

The reason I ask is because very few single people that I have come across seem to be of that mindset.