babysacay Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 My last long relationship was years ago. Since then, I've had a few boyfriends; these relationships ended. And I've also had several dating relationships end that weren't "official" but still stung. I feel like with every failed dating experience or breakup, I feel more and more hurt and the pain just compounds, even though the way things end with someone really isn't all that bad; it just hurts because it adds to the pain of previous rejections. Has anyone ever reached the point where they feel like there's no point in having romantic attraction to anyone? Literally EVERY TIME I've had romantic interest in someone, I have ended up feeling sad, hurt, and rejected. So what's the point? I'm at a point where I feel like it is pointless to have any romantic feelings, which is concerning because I'm only 27. Anyone ever feel the way I do after multiple breakups/failed dating experiences? How did you overcome the compounded pain? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I have felt that way at times in my life but 27 is pretty young to have gone through so many relationships and feel that level of frustration and hopelessness. Any ideas as to why this keeps happening to you? What caused these break-ups? Any common threads? Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysacay Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 I've always tried my best to apply what I learn to new relationships and with this most recently ended potential, I didn't do anything wrong, he just couldn't handle the distance of 5 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysacay Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 I have felt that way at times in my life but 27 is pretty young to have gone through so many relationships and feel that level of frustration and hopelessness. Any ideas as to why this keeps happening to you? What caused these break-ups? Any common threads? I know in past relationships, there came a point where I felt like we weren't being connected enough so I'd pressure for more communication; in recent relationships though, I felt like I was more patient and not asking for an unreasonable amount; just asked for them to call when they said they would call. Then I tried approaching the most recent one with no expectations and didn't ask anything of him, but in the end, he said it was distance which I think is a cop out excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysacay Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 I think also a part of my problem is that I give guys chances who don't deserve a chance and who I'm not even really attracted to. I've had 6 boyfriends since I was about 16 and only really had true romantic feelings for one. And had real romantic feelings for only a few guys since then. I give too many guys chances, even guys who I know logically aren't good for me and aren't a good match, so I think that's a big part of my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I think also a part of my problem is that I give guys chances who don't deserve a chance and who I'm not even really attracted to. I've had 6 boyfriends since I was about 16 and only really had true romantic feelings for one. And had real romantic feelings for only a few guys since then. I give too many guys chances, even guys who I know logically aren't good for me and aren't a good match, so I think that's a big part of my problem. Well, I think that's a big problem and you're automatically setting yourself up for problems from the very beginning. Guys will know when you're not that into them. As far as the other guy not wanting to drive 5 hrs, I can't say that I blame him. I'm not into LDR's at all. It's a total deal-breaker for me. I think there's something you believe about yourself that thinks you shouldn't really be happy or that you don't deserve someone you're attracted to. You may want to give that some thought and stop taking relationships too far when you know in your heart they're not right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 (edited) Hey OP, I had 3 relationships between the age of 22 an 30. I fought for all 3 and none worked out. In between those failed relationships, I dated a few girls, flung with a few, and talked to a bunch. Led nowhere. It wore me out. Thing is way back in the day, I had a lot of pain in the past that I hadn't worked through nor moved on from (From problems that had nothing to do with relationships). I didn't want to deal with it so I didn't really gave much thought to myself ever. Neglected myself. My lack of direction followed me into the present and contributed to the quality of present relationships. It affected who I chose to date and who I becamse friends with which consequently made my life worse. I didn't choose the best people. I let people take advantage of me. I let them get away with disrespectful behavior and words. I tolerated crappy behavior because I didn't know enough about myself to even know where to establish my limits and boundaries. So, I didn't know when or why I should stand up for myself. Put myself into a lot of bad situations. Then I'd sit there believing my life sucked because of it. What was really going on was simple. I never took the time to get to know myself nor love myself the way I loved others. That changed though. Over time, I made peace with my past. Solved a lot of my emotional weaknesses. Dropped a good 95% of my old social life and made better friends and those friends weren't my life. I also graduated school and established concrete long-term career plans. With all that, came confidence, self-worth and self-identity. Now, when people try to mold me into what they think I should be or what they want me to be, I don't budge unless I want to. I learned to say no. I learned to walk away. Learned to be truly okay on my own without a relationship. It changed everything. The point is, sometimes what's going on in our life (For your particular case, your relationship life) can reflect a lot about what's going inside of us. It sounds like you may be using relationships to run away from something or to fill a void as I used to. - Beach Edited May 25, 2018 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I say take a break from trying to get into a Romantic Relationship. I have to take my own advice as well. I do have one woman in mind at the moment, but unless I see major sighs of her liking me. Which is just basic. I have to take a break myself. I have lots of friends and I do things on my own as well. I think a lot of us are going to have to really let romantic relationships fall into our laps. I would be curious to hear what the obstacles are when it comes to finding love for most people. For me its like this. The Woman that I like is attached. Or if she is single. The romantic attraction is weak towards me. When I look in the mirror. I actually like myself. I like my face/body/the way I speak. I don't think I am heavy, except that the dating by my efforts don't go well. If I want to actually destress. I might as well try to do things different and let a woman come to me. It happens, but never on my time table. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 but in the end, he said it was distance which I think is a cop out excuse. You've posted that the distance in question required 5 hours travel time. To me that is NOT a cop out, but a serious reason to have not started the relationship to begin with. Yes, there are relationships that can be sustained at that distance. But I say they're rare and I know I couldn't do it unless she (I'm male) was the one doing the traveling. Is there some reason that you are not including distance as a filter on your picker? Are there other filters that you are not using that may be negatively affecting your success? Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysacay Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 You've posted that the distance in question required 5 hours travel time. To me that is NOT a cop out, but a serious reason to have not started the relationship to begin with. Yes, there are relationships that can be sustained at that distance. But I say they're rare and I know I couldn't do it unless she (I'm male) was the one doing the traveling. Is there some reason that you are not including distance as a filter on your picker? Are there other filters that you are not using that may be negatively affecting your success? I live in a rural community where dating options are severely limited due to me coming in contact with most community members due to work. So anyone i date would have to be at least an hour away. I just feel completely written off for something I can't change right now. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I live in a rural community where dating options are severely limited due to me coming in contact with most community members due to work. So anyone i date would have to be at least an hour away. I just feel completely written off for something I can't change right now. I understand the limitation and sympathize. I have to admit that I am fortunate to live is a semi-urban community where there are many potential dates within 45 minutes travel time. Might you have at least some opportunity to meet a viable dating partner within 90 minutes while not expanding to 5 hours where there is greater risk that the gentleman eventually decides the distance is too great? What I'm suggesting is that you deal with your location limitation in a bit more reasonable way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysacay Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 I understand the limitation and sympathize. I have to admit that I am fortunate to live is a semi-urban community where there are many potential dates within 45 minutes travel time. Might you have at least some opportunity to meet a viable dating partner within 90 minutes while not expanding to 5 hours where there is greater risk that the gentleman eventually decides the distance is too great? What I'm suggesting is that you deal with your location limitation in a bit more reasonable way. Yeah. I'd actually decided to not try dating until I move closer to the city this fall, which will be an hour commute to work. I just kind of happened on theast guy. I can't stand where I'm at, there's nothing to do and I'm young and pretty and I feel it's being wasted. I expect to have better luck after my move since I've had some guys say even an hour away is toi much :/ Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 Yes. I'm so much more mentally stable since I quit falling for and/or dating men. It was fun and exciting, but I had a lot of anguish on the two I loved the most and then lost a friend on the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysacay Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 Yes. I'm so much more mentally stable since I quit falling for and/or dating men. It was fun and exciting, but I had a lot of anguish on the two I loved the most and then lost a friend on the other. I imagine my life will be the same. It's not worth it anymore. Makes it hard to focus on important things like family and work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 I kept thinking the right one would come along and it would just be easy, but I don't think I'm made that way. I am still friends with one, from a safe distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysacay Posted May 26, 2018 Author Share Posted May 26, 2018 I kept thinking the right one would come along and it would just be easy, but I don't think I'm made that way. I am still friends with one, from a safe distance. How old are you prepraph? It bugs me so much when people tell me "Don't worry, you'll find someone when you least expect it!" Like, I know some people die without ever being married, and whenever I wasn't looking or expecting anyone in the past, they did come but things never worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 I think also a part of my problem is that I give guys chances who don't deserve a chance and who I'm not even really attracted to. I've had 6 boyfriends since I was about 16 and only really had true romantic feelings for one. And had real romantic feelings for only a few guys since then. I give too many guys chances, even guys who I know logically aren't good for me and aren't a good match, so I think that's a big part of my problem. I think you're probably right here. I think far too many people have standards below what they need, because they simply want love. This means that instead of having a full pipeline of potential suitors and "failing fast" with most of them, by that I mean swipe left or 1 date max, they have 5 dates then sex with the 2nd or 3rd person they swipe and end up getting attached... Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 You're not alone for sure. I'm 31 and taking a break from relationships, maybe a permanent one. Every time I dated, I've been rejected. I think the happiest people in relationships are not in the dating world for years on end. Also, I think most people need positive experiences to keep them going. Imagine if you tried x, and you were never successful. Many people would quit. Every situation had made me feel less and less desirable. Looking back I put myself in bad situations for love and acceptance that never came or was brief. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I am in the same boat as you. I'm 43, I have had 4 LTRs in my lifetime (not counting my high school sweetheart, which I don't really because that is, after all, high school and not an adult relationship yet). All of them broke up with me, just like everyone else in between. I finally reached a point not too long ago where I said "I'm done". I feel like no one wants me and ... That's that. My self esteem is in the gutter and it's not coming out anytime soon. It's so bad that the other day an acquaintance sent me an IM through Facebook asking if I would be available for a photo shoot to beef up his portfolio. I said thanks but I am really not in a good place right now with my self esteem and I don't want to ... Be seen much anymore in that way. I just want to hide. He said a photo shoot might help, I said I really ... Can't do that. It has nothing to do with you. He said alright. People tell me to go see a shrink but I have no health insurance. Who would ever love me, or even like me? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 OP, had a similar issue decades ago, in late 20's, friends were all married, kids starting school, not a single woman in sight, lived near a small town so limited opportunities. I decided to take a break, focus on growing my business and started traveling, later getting into distance dating, including international, in my mid-30's. Taking a break really settled the nerves and frustrations and allowed for some personal growth. Dates, relationships and marriage resulted. Could it work for you? IDK. Is it worth it? IDK. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Who would ever love me, or even like me? How about we turn your mindset around and list the reasons why someone DOES like you or love you? List them. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 We live in a world where our values towards being single vs attached is opratic and over the top. There is no way that a lot of are going to go on some tv show. Where they coach us and redress us to be more successful with the opposite sex. I could see the odd case of extreem Social aloofness. I am single because the right set of circumstances has not befallen me. Its that simple. At this stage of life. In order for me to have a LTR that may lead into Marriage/kids. A woman would have to do the following. I meet a woman lets say her name is Jane. Jane has to be single/widowed/divorced. We are physically attracted to each other. No kids or one at the most. She makes and effort to get to know me/when I make an effort to get to know her she is warm/sweet very responsive.. No rush to get married/have kids. There is a mutual desire to have fun with each other physically/conversation wise/humour/social and recreational activities and interacting with each others family and friends and that takes time. At least a year before your really insynch with each others rhythems. As I get older. I find making friends easy, but romantic connections seem scarce. The next woman I get with. I am actually going to have to really get to know in a very focussed way and see what we can build together. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 You are still young so take heart in that. I heard that I would find someone all my life. Never did. Never will. I am much older than you. Relocating did not help me. Maybe you? You must find inner determination. Our advice will not be enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Pandoramix Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 Literally EVERY TIME I've had romantic interest in someone, I have ended up feeling sad, hurt, and rejected. This is only and only inside you. You can either go out with feeling "I wanted something but I did not reach it - I am angry!" or "I am happy I had a chance to meet and spent some time with that person". Only a matter of perspective. But I agree it is easier written than done. You will not always feel like this, but once you will experience some good time, with this attitude you past experience will feel good as well and this i the key. Build your inner self part by part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 I am over double your age and am totally out of circulation, like an expired book.I am in a deadend. Not even "cautiously optimistic" as one user calls herself. I have told myself innumerable times to stop falling for women, give it up and never date again. Logically I agree. But my heart feels differently! Over and over I like someone who I have no chance for and I know it. I still have feelings that will not just go away. Same with you maybe. It is a very common thing to say "not again" but your mind will change---and eventually you will be too old for those guys. Link to post Share on other sites
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