Damaged Goods (Moved to GRD)

[Fair]

Was wondering how many people would consider someone going through a crippling anxiety disorder as 'damaged goods.' and a write off in a romantic sense... if you knew about it? Would you brand them as unstable and bad news, Or would you have enough compassion to know better? Through my own struggles with it, I FEEL unworthy... and, to top it off, like I'm possibly being talked about all over town for being ill, right now.

 

My narcissist sister lives on an acreage outside of town. She hasn't shown me an ounce of compassion or checked in on me once all winter when my anxiety was at it's worst and I could barely leave the house. But it's come to my attention that she's nevertheless going around telling people I have 'health problems'... as if it's her information to share. I know she's putting up a false front of compassion when saying it, but really all she wants is to spread the word so that no one wants anything to do with me. A covert attempt to keep me isolated.

 

I'm really struggling and am afraid of what everyone knowing my situation is going to conclude about me in the long run. There's two single men in town I like but I'm sure they've 'heard' about me. Just need some reassurance that having people know my struggles will not put everyone off and ruin any chance at a social life when I get better. Always value your input. Thanks.

 

p.s... please be honest.

[Lotsgoingon]

I've had depression in my past ... and other issues.

 

I wouldn't write anyone off so to speak... but I need to know the person can function like I expect a partner to function ...

 

But we all have weaknesses ... so the answer always depends on whether what I get from the person ... the strengths of the person ... outweigh their weaknesses ...

 

Anxiety can certainly interfere with a relationship, but some people aren't freaked out at all by anxiety.

 

Bring your gifts into the world and see what happens. I went to college with a guy who couldn't stand ... and can't dress himself ... He's married with kids. Guy was extremely bright, witty ... kind and funny ... I assume his partner found his strengths outweighed his physical struggles and the extra work she would have to do to help him dress in the morning, etc.

 

Share your gifts with the world and see what happens.

Edited May 25, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[alphamale]

Fair, i'm Bipolar so I feel your pain. Are you getting treated by a good Doctor and with the right medications? Most mental issues are at least "controlled" if you're getting the right therapy. You must condition yourself to not care what other people think about your medical condition. Everyone has their issues that they are dealing with, whether it's public or private.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If it was not being managed well and was interfering with living a normal life (i.e. holding a job, paying bills, etc.), I would not become involved with such a person romantically. I'd be a supportive friend, but I would not consider a romantic partnership. Now, if my lifelong partner developed an anxiety or mental disorder after we'd already been committed, that's another thing.

[Lotsgoingon]

Nicely said Cautiously ....

[alphamale]

If it was not being managed well and was interfering with living a normal life (i.e. holding a job, paying bills, etc.), I would not become involved with such a person romantically. I'd be a supportive friend, but I would not consider a romantic partnership. Now, if my lifelong partner developed an anxiety or mental disorder after we'd already been committed, that's another thing.

 

what if you were dating someone for a couple of years and were in love then he told you he was hiding his schizophrenia or bipolar disorder? with medications today a lot of mental disorders are "controllable" and able to be hidden for extended periods.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

what if you were dating someone for a couple of years and were in love then he told you he was hiding his schizophrenia or bipolar disorder? with medications today a lot of mental disorders are "controllable" and able to be hidden for extended periods.

 

That would be more acceptable because the illness is being managed, although I would not appreciate not being told for a couple of years....

 

I also would not want to date someone who took two years to tell me they had cancer or were an insulin dependent diabetic.

[alphamale]

That would be more acceptable because the illness is being managed, although I would not appreciate not being told for a couple of years....

 

I also would not to date someone who took two years to tell me they had cancer or were an insulin dependent diabetic.

 

yeah but if he told you early on you probably would have dumped him? right?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

yeah but if he told you early on you probably would have dumped him? right?

 

If it was interfering with the ability to live a productive life, yes. If not, I would give someone a chance as long as they took their illness seriously and managed it. That seems to be a struggle (to stay on meds) for some people with mental illness.

[alphamale]

That seems to be a struggle (to stay on meds) for some people with mental illness.

 

well, some people experience bad side effects

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

well, some people experience bad side effects

 

Yes, that's what I understand.

[Fair]

What if you never met the person and just 'heard' about their issues without knowing anything beyond that? I can only suppose most people would run without any desire to give that person a chance.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What if you never met the person and just 'heard' about their issues without knowing anything beyond that? I can only suppose most people would run without any desire to give that person a chance.

 

Yes, that's probably true.

 

But if there's any truth to the "rumors" I would suggest some self-reflection and serious work on the issues.

[Fair]

anxiety is the issue. The whole town seems to know.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think people these days are more open than people in the past.

 

So ... here's the deal ... If you I meet someone, fall for them, enjoy their company ... and then I learn they're taking meds, what would I do?

 

Literally if I'm enjoying this person's company and they can function well ... I don't have a problem with them taking meds.

 

Here is what I do have a problem with ... People who have various conditions and then refuse to get treatment or meds. There was a story locally of a man in his 60s who refused to take blood pressure medication ... even though he had high blood pressure. Then he suffered a stroke. Story was about his recovery and his wife's support, etc.

 

I shook my head ... sorry ... I'd want to dump this guy for refusing to get treatment. Very different than a stroke out of nowhere.

 

So someone with a serious psychiatric condition, I'd have to nail down the whole medications and treatment commitment.

 

Kay Redfield Jamison is one of the top researchers on bipolar conditions in the U.S. She also has bipolar and has written openly about her episodes when she was untreated, some quite dangerous and reckless.

 

Jamison ultimately signed a contract with her husband (now deceased) that if she were to go off her medications and decline treatment, he had the power to force her hospitalization. I guess lots of people with bipolar want to go off meds at some point ... I'd want some kind of agreement like that.

[Fair]

I have nothing as dramatic as bipolar disorder... thank goodness. But somehow I don't think people need a lot to outright reject you in this throw away, "I can do better" society.

 

But as someone pointed out, everyone has some kind of issue their going to be asking someone else to deal with at some point. I wish people would re-think that. I don't want to be written off because of anxiety... it's a small matter compared to what it could be... even if someone has kids from hell, dealing with someone's anxiety, if treated, to me would be the better option. There are different levels of misery everywhere.

[gaius]

well, some people experience bad side effects

They should lock up schitzos who don't take their meds. Too bad if they don't like the side effects.

 

As far as the post question, there would be much less of an issue if the person was just someone struggling with certain issues, vs someone who's highly manipulative and wields whatever condition they've been diagnosed with like a weapon. Never really trying to genuinely improve or get better.

 

Fair I don't know what you expect your sister to say, people are probably wondering what's going on with you and why you just stay in your house all the time. If she didn't say you were having health problems they might start thinking you died 6 months ago and nobody found the body yet.

[Chilli]

Nooooo , if l loved her l'd most def' wanna work through it if possible , together.

And if she could open up and tell me what she needs , share her thing with me , that'd be a great start.

Hang in there eh.

[basil67]

I have nothing as dramatic as bipolar disorder... thank goodness. But somehow I don't think people need a lot to outright reject you in this throw away, "I can do better" society.

 

But as someone pointed out, everyone has some kind of issue their going to be asking someone else to deal with at some point. I wish people would re-think that. I don't want to be written off because of anxiety... it's a small matter compared to what it could be... even if someone has kids from hell, dealing with someone's anxiety, if treated, to me would be the better option. There are different levels of misery everywhere.

 

Thing is, "crippling anxiety" as you term it in your opening post is not a small matter. To me, crippling anxiety would describe a person who cannot leave the house or hold a job. They would be unable to attend a small social function where there were people who they didn't know well. With the word "crippling", we talking significant impairment. And honestly, a person who is this challenged would struggle to participate in normal parts of a relationship anyway.

 

However, if someone had anxiety which was being well managed and they could participate in every day activities, I would not hesitate to date them. Heck, I've been on antidepressants for nearly 20 years and don't function nearly as well without them. Denying a person who takes meds would simply be hypocritical.

 

If they weren't at this stage of recovery, I likely tell them that I'd be delighted to date them when they are feeling better and to let me know when they get to that stage.

 

Have you noticed that you've used some really loaded words in your opening post? I would never call someone "Damaged Goods" and I can't imagine any person who has some degree of compassion using this term. Likewise, a person who desires a partner who can participate in normal parts of life and dating is not lacking in compassion.

[d0nnivain]

I have anxiety & depression. Sometimes it can be crippling. When it is, I can't leave the house or function in the most basic ways. I wouldn't date me in that state.

 

If you are concerned about dating, the anxiety can't be as crippling as you claim. When mine is bad, the idea of getting off the couch is overwhelming. There is no way I can even think about interacting with others & frankly I don't want to.

 

When it's manageable that is when other people . . . I'm going to say matter. It's when I can think about them. When I want to be social. I consider that just day to day desire for acceptance. I'm functioning . . . going to work, trying to do a good job, hoping nobody is mean to me.

 

So perhaps reframe the issue in your own head. View yourself as stronger for continuing to put one foot in front of the other while dealing with your issues. Armed with that confidence you should be able to put on a braver face & thereby be more attractive.

[thefooloftheyear]

What if you never met the person and just 'heard' about their issues without knowing anything beyond that? I can only suppose most people would run without any desire to give that person a chance.

 

 

Most people steer clear of Pit Bulls because of what they heard about them....That's just human nature, I guess...Not sure there is much you really can do about that...

 

In my own experience, very few people I run across are completely mentally stable at all times...I think if you are struggling at the present time, then thinking about entering into a relationship with another person is probably a bad idea...It would be like shopping for a Benz, when you can barely pay your bills..Work on fixing that part of your life first, then when you feel like you have some control of it, then go out and get in the game..

 

Despite what many people and the mental health industry likes to bang on about, it is possible for people to manage their condition without the conventionally recognized treatments(psych meds, intensive counseling/psycho analysis, etc)...Some find religion, yoga/meditation and other forms of exercise...Even some diets can improve mental health...Not saying that meds are all bad, but there are other ways to approach it..

 

I know if I were you, id put a need for a relationship on the shelf until I sorted this out...Sounds like nothing good can come of it, and I do know that some women wind up getting used for sex when in a vulnerable state..Unscrupulous men sniff that out in a minute....That's probably the last thing you need right now...

 

I wish you well..

 

TFY

[gone_girl]

Having gone through depression in the past, I can attest that it can leave an unappealing aura on a person for a while. Pair that with anxiety and shame that make it difficult to leave the house, and you end up as someone with awful body language and mannerisms who makes people feel uncomfortable after 30 seconds.

 

The worst part of going through this kind of illness is that some people you thought cared about you the most, will avoid you, treat you with contempt and even go out of their way to be disrespectful. Even if you just try to talk about nice things and laugh a bit. And in situations like these you realize that most people don't have much genuine kindness and compassion for other people. But there are a few who do, and these are the really kind people.

 

I promise you it can get better. I still avoid and feel unwelcome in a couple of places because they remind me of all the shame, but what are a couple places in a world full of experiences and people? In my case it (EDIT moving around) did me good. I now shamelessly go to the opera alone and I can talk convincingly about my ideas to others, and it slowly but surely feels as if we are all passengers and everything flows.

Edited May 26, 2018 by gone_girl

[gone_girl]

 

My narcissist sister lives on an acreage outside of town. She hasn't shown me an ounce of compassion or checked in on me once all winter when my anxiety was at it's worst and I could barely leave the house. But it's come to my attention that she's nevertheless going around telling people I have 'health problems'... as if it's her information to share. I know she's putting up a false front of compassion when saying it, but really all she wants is to spread the word so that no one wants anything to do with me. A covert attempt to keep me isolated.

 

Just want to comment on that. I don't know if she's narcissistic and that she wants to sabotage you but she's not being a great sister, and probably cares more about saving face in society and looking good than genuinely do something to help (eg visit and do things with you). I hurt to say I experienced something similar (eg asking a family member to go to the movies with me and they said 'no' with a completely blank look, and later when visitors were over they said 'I'll be back soon, we could go to the movies later' with a really fake face of concern. Of course they were back later and we didn't go anywhere).

[somanymistakes]

ANYTHING can be an issue, particularly when you're in the early fishing stage of dating.

 

If you have no attachment to someone and you're pulling them out of the dating pool to examine, and it's like "Well, this fish has X problem and Y problem and Z problem" many people will think "eh, I could do better" and toss the fish back.

 

But if an attraction develops between people who already know each other, if there's some investment, then suddenly it's "Yeah, I know it might be complicated, but I think we can make this work!"

 

So, like, if you ask me with no context "would you want to date someone with serious anxiety" then no, it wouldn't be my preference. But if I fell for someone who had serious anxiety, then we'd have to deal with it, wouldn't we?

[preraph]

I think Fair told me in another post that she had started treatment, so I am just hoping she makes some progress to where it's no longer crippling. It's easy enough to prove the townsfolk wrongo by going out in the middle of them and being social and friendly, if that's possible. On one hand, you want a chance. On the other, you make it sound like it's beyond you to do that. I'm hoping you push the envelope because every small effort you make to be friendly to anyone in town (I would NOT start with men you're interested in) will give you some more confidence. Practice, practice, practice.