socializing & group etiquette?

[d0nnivain]

DH & I living in a gated community with a members only club. Home ownership gets you membership.

 

We live next door to a very nice, ultra social couple & have for more than 15 years. They are lovely & they are always having parties. Early on the wife said to me, "If you see something going on, just come on over." She's very casual like that. I'm not. When I have seen it was a big party I have walked next door but not often. We usually wait for an invite but those are infrequent.

 

An added wrinkle, I have always had the impression that many of her friends don't like me. When I 1st moved in, I was single, well educated & self employed. Most of them were not college grads & they were all stay at home moms. They viewed me with pity (oh look she's over 30 & not married) & as a threat (potential husband stealer) I often got a frosty reception & after the 2nd year was never again invited to their girls only holiday party. I have never been invited to any of their girls only stuff -- they get together at different people's houses to play bunco & other games. The pictures are all over social media.

 

A few years ago, the ice started to thaw. One hired me professionally. Another got divorced & started hanging out one on one with a different single friend of mine & as a result would actually talk to me. That caused her to get to know me a bit more & she's now more friendly. Although social media means very little, she sent me a FB friend request which I accepted.

 

Last weekend, I went to a club event with my friend & they were all there. My friend wanted to hang out with her friend who was with the group so we went to them. Everybody was really friendly & the warmest I have ever experienced with this group. When I was leaving many said they looked forward to seeing me & DH at an upcoming wine tasting. It felt good to be included.

 

So on to my Q:

 

Last night DH & I were out at the opening night of the summer outside bar for the club. We were on land, at the beach tiki bar.

 

Many of this group were on a nearby public dock, having come over by boat & tied themselves up together.

 

A few walked past us on their way to & from the bathroom. They would say hi but not stop & talk.

 

I wanted to walk over to the group & mix in DH did not. He said that enough of them knew we were there & if they wanted us to join, they would have said something. I countered that it was a public space & they weren't going to stand on ceremony. So he & I sat on our bench, listened to the live music & didn't go over.

 

What is the proper thing to do in situations like that? I'd like to be more involved but don't know how to break the ice after all these years. I can't help but wonder if I'm causing my own problem. By not walking over do they think we're the snobby ones?

[JuneL]

Was the group all female? I can see why your hubby was uncomfortable mixing with the group in that case. But it does sound like you and the women in this group don’t have too much in common, so it’s just natural many of their group activities don’t include you.

[d0nnivain]

No, the husbands were all there too.

 

I know DH doesn't feel like he has much in common with the husbands. Most of them are big sports guys & they are all handy around the house, they like to tinker. DH would rather read. He's an introvert.

 

As for my common interests with these women, I'm not looking for a new bestie but maybe somebody to occasionally go to a movie with or perhaps shopping. They did ask me if I wanted to join their gym with them. I thought about it but it's expensive ($139 / month; you have to buy a whole year in advance) & they work out at 6 a.m. I am sooooo not a morning person. My gym is only $10 / month pay as you go & I work out in the afternoon when the place is empty.

[alphamale]

By not walking over do they think we're the snobby ones?

 

this is the most likely scenario

[preraph]

It's their boats, so they need to invite. I know it's a public space but at some point one ought to do as your neighbor do and just say, Hey, if you see us moored, come on over and say hi.

 

Having been single all my life, I know well the "single woman freeze-out." As if I'd want their husbands. The problem there is they don't know you, so they freeze you out because they DO know their husbands and don't like any temptation around. But it's not fair if they blame the single woman unless she's acting flirtatious, which you clearly were not.

 

Women like to blame the women instead of their husbands. One of my old bfs had a client hitting on him while he was still married and told me about it (we were platonic work mates at the time). When he divorced, he insisted we give it a shot. Well, my heart was recently broken and it wasn't a good idea, but I didn't want to have regrets since I did care about him as a friend. I broke up with him a few months in.

 

He ran straight to her, who I suspect he'd been cheating with all along, though at the time I didn't care and had in fact told him go get her because I wasn't in the right head space. They married shortly after I broke up with him.

 

So decades later, she's still very threatened by me. It made no sense to me because if I'd wanted him, I wouldn't have broken up with him. So I was thinking he didn't tell her who broke up with who and let her think he did. I'll never know. But someone told me, She's not like that because of you; she's like that because she knows him. It made sense. In fact, not long after I saw his new assistant (band stuff) who looked, walked and talked like me. She even came up and said "I'm the new you." He'd apparently told her all about me and groomed her to support him the way I did when we were just friends. At that point, I decided his wife should be worried about the new assistant and not about me. But she's never let up. I'm not on Facebook, so when it was new, she started following my friends who were, trying to get info, but there was nothing to get.

 

I was also in a meetup over a decade ago for people without children, and OMG, was it a freeze out. It was the couples all in one group and the single women all standing up awkwardly in the dining room. I tried to join the couples and talk to only the wives, but was completely frozen out. Like a dog with a bone, these heifers.

[NomiMalone]

I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" answer to whether you should've joined them. When I've found myself in situations where I've bumped into acquaintances and have wanted to say hi, I'd go over and have a quick chat, and then find an excuse to take off (such as, "I'd better get back to my group! Great to see you, let's have a coffee sometime!")

 

By having said hi, I'd eliminate the chance of being considered a snob, and leaving quickly meant I wouldn't be interrupting a meal/event I wasn't specifically invited to (or rudely abandoning the people I was originally with).

 

To be honest those friends of yours don't sound like they have all that much in common with you. I'd save my energy for more like-minded friends who reach out to you enthusiastically and make you feel ok with doing the same! Life is too short for people who make you second guess!

[nospam99]

d0n, I'm a little surprised cuz you usually have a pretty good EQ. Anyway ...

 

Suggestions:

- Talk to DH to be sure he's okay with you flying social solo with the grrlz. See if you can charm him into joining the next couplesy social encounter. If it was me, I'd give you permission to 'blame' your standoffishness at the bar opening on me.

- Talk to the friend you mentioned to get ideas about how to gracefully join the group at the next opportunity for socializing.

- If the wine tasting hasn't happened yet, go! See if DH will tag along.

- Chat with the next door wife to confirm you still have an open invitation and start attending those parties.

 

I don't see socializing with a group as different from dating in that you have to play the game by the roolz: basically be friendly, casual, and talkative and open to making a deeper friendship if you find someone with common interests. Easy for me to say ... I have to admit that as a single I don't do events where everyone else (or almost everyone else) is there as a couple.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'd be hanging with your husband, personally . I moved into my development almost 3 years ago and have made a conscious decision to not get involved socially. A few months ago I did "sign up" for the book club, but then one time I was having a drink with my friend up the street and she was telling me about some drama between this person and that person and I was like, "I'm out." I just don't want to know about any of it, and with a tight-knit group of neighbors, there will always be some drama. Been there, too old for that again . In a former 'hood we were all so close we'd hang out at each other's homes in our pajamas. Now I wave and say hello, but I'm only friends with a few. I prefer it that way.

 

Off topic a bit, but the other night my friend and I Ubered to where we were going and our driver on the way home was one of my former neighbors from the above mentioned neighborhood. And there was so much drama with his then-wife. Ugh. We used my friend's account for the ride home, so he didn't see my name, and it was dark and he didn't get a good look at my face so I did not reveal myself!

[d0nnivain]

The problem is I'm lonely. These women are "the only ones in town" as far as I can tell & I've been here almost 20 years. Of course other people live here but I have never managed to meet any of them. This group also has the reputation as the big social group.

 

My childhood friends have taken directions I don't care to follow.

 

My college friends are all too far away, closet one two hours.

 

I have even less in common with my 2 SILs then these neighbors & they are both a plane ride away in opposite directions.

 

I'm friendly with some women I know professionally but can't seem to figure out how to bridge that from professional acquaintances who you spend time with in a work setting to "hey would you like to see a movie?"

 

When DH & I saw these neighbors out last Friday, DH & I were about to leave for a 5 day vacation. I knew I was getting a lot of quality time with him so spending 2 hours with a group was OK.

[carhill]

Host social events of your own and invite others, including of this group referred to. Set your own style. If you're already done this, how did it go?

[clia]

I think either way is appropriate. It would've been fine to walk over and say hello, but it was also appropriate to not do so. IMO, though, you probably should have walked over, at least for a few minutes, and said hello given that you want a relationship with them.

 

It sounds like you are so afraid they don't like you that maybe you don't initiate much or are afraid to take the first step? Friendships go both ways, so maybe you should just try to reach out to them and ask them to meet for brunch, lunch, a drink, dinner, etc. I also agree with carhill's suggestion -- have a party and invite them over.