What does it mean when MM says if he had to choose between "no sex and no you"...

[wanderingxsoulz]

What does it mean when MM says if he had to choose between "no sex and no you", he would choose to have no sex? Does he genuinely care about me?

[bathtub-row]

He just said a mouthful. What difference does it make if he cares about you or not? He doesn't care enough to make the choice to be with you - no matter what his reasons. That's really all you need to know.

 

I wouldn't over-noodle this, if I were you. It's not about you. It's about his responsibilities, his money, and his reputation. You cannot compete with that.

[BaileyB]

It's a rather vague statement meant to make you believe that he cares about you, that it's not just about the sex for him... the purpose of which is, no doubt, to keep you in his bed.

 

Here is a quote... "If they love you, you will know it. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do..."

Edited May 26, 2018 by BaileyB

[Tearknee]

In my experience statements such as those are not needed to show ones love for another. The way you show love towards someone is through action and not statements like that.

[DKT3]

The statement makes no sense unless you are unable to have sex. The statement is akin to I will die without you.

[coolheadal]

What does it mean when MM says if he had to choose between "no sex and no you", he would choose to have no sex? Does he genuinely care about me?

 

Your talking about a married man and you? So no sex with you just date you and that's it. So is that what you want and are you okay with that statement?

[wanderingxsoulz]

Here's some context (I wanted to get an opinion without sharing anything first).

 

He's a MM and things between us started around 3 months ago. We talk every day and about once a week he comes over to my place and we are intimate i.e. kissing and touching but we have not actually had sex yet. We do not go out either because he does not want to take the risk and because I do not want to. I do not want him to leave his family to be with me either.

 

He knows that I do not want to have sex because I find it emotionally distressing due to past assault. I did not tell him explicitly what happened in the past but he has an idea (partly from "cyber-stalking" me and reading my blog, which I did not tell him about but he looked me up online. We are not connected online in any way).

 

He tells me that he wants to have sex, and has tried to initiate it, but says he will not force it if I don't want to. In the beginning, he said he would be okay with not having sex. Recently, I asked him if he still meant it and that's when he said if he had to choose between "no sex or no you", he would choose not to have sex.

 

I am asking this because I find him odd sometimes and unlike other MMs I have known. He has always made it clear on what things between us are supposed to be and I am no issue with what we have. But recently he has been confusing and saying strange things like:

 

• "I wish I had met you earlier"
  
• "We are clear on what to expect but we are human after all and I can't kiss you and immerse in it without feelings"
  

He also suddenly talked about how he feels that he is being unfair to me because he cannot give me many things such as status, nor can he date me normally or take me out. But the thing is, I never asked for any of those things because I don't want them.

 

There have been a couple of times where I finish him off with a HJ but I was sick the last 2 weeks. He came over to see me and kissed me despite me being worried that he might catch a bug from me, but did not try to initiate sex like he usually would.

 

I admit I have feelings for him but I have been suppressing/keeping them in check because I had always thought/assumed that it was what we agreed upon. But I feel like he is catching feelings too and that he might actually genuinely care about me. Or am I wrong?

[somanymistakes]

The problem is, what does "genuinely care about you" MEAN? To you, in particular?

 

It's totally possible that he has feelings for you and enjoys the talking, sharing, romantic aspects with you. Despite what some people believe, men are not all about sex and only sex. They also enjoy attention, being made to feel special and wanted, someone listening to them, etc.

 

And when it comes to sex, he's got someone else in his life to have sex with, right? (Or possibly more than one someone else. Some affair-havers have a LOT of affairs, even at the same time.)

 

It also sounds like he expects that you will have sex with him eventually but he doesn't want to rush you too fast. He says things about being willing to have you even without the sex because that sounds romantic, but if he does generally keep trying to initiate sex, that shows that he still thinks it's going to happen, once he's won you over enough.

 

Does he care about you? He might. But to what degree? What sort of caring are you looking for, or not looking for? What do you want him to feel?

[BaileyB]

You are playing with fire... An "affair" with a married man who has made it clear, he wants sex, when you are not prepared to have sex with him is a bad plan...

 

It certainly sounds like he thinks, if he gives it enough time, he will get sex. And furthermore, you have given him encouragement by finishing him off with handjobs... You are, perhaps unintentionally, teasing him and giving him reason to think that your boundaries are flexible...

 

I'm sorry to hear about your past assault. But, with all due respect, you need a counsellor and not a boyfriend, and most definitely - not a married man - in your life.

 

Be very careful here. This is the stuff that destroys lives.

Edited May 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[bathtub-row]

He's saying that because he knows you'll eventually cave in. Please read that again because it's exactly what's going to happen. He knows it's just a matter of time. This is a ridiculous situation but it's your way of keeping a man at arms length because you're afraid of true intimacy.

 

I'm sure you won't listen to anyone about this because you think this love affair is written in the stars, but it's really written in hell and it's going to end up burning just as badly as the assault did. This man is married and you shouldn't be involved with him. It's really that simple.

[BaileyB]

He's saying that because he knows you'll eventually cave in. Please read that again because it's exactly what's going to happen. He knows it's just a matter of time. This is a ridiculous situation but it's your way of keeping a man at arms length because you're afraid of true intimacy.

 

I'm sure you won't listen to anyone about this because you think this love affair is written in the stars, but it's really written in hell and it's going to end up burning just as badly as the assault did. This man is married and you shouldn't be involved with him. It's really that simple.

 

Amen. OP - read, and reread this again, and again. There is good truth in this.

[whichwayisup]

He's saying that because he knows you'll eventually cave in. Please read that again because it's exactly what's going to happen. He knows it's just a matter of time. This is a ridiculous situation but it's your way of keeping a man at arms length because you're afraid of true intimacy.

 

I'm sure you won't listen to anyone about this because you think this love affair is written in the stars, but it's really written in hell and it's going to end up burning just as badly as the assault did. This man is married and you shouldn't be involved with him. It's really that simple.

 

I agree totally. And I'll add, it's only been 3 months, not 3 years. Get out now.

 

You're wasting your time and energy on someone who is married and a life built with someone else..His wife. You are going to get hurt and it'll mess with your emotions.

[Deidre]

It's not really anything new, just another word salad to throw you off...make you distracted, and think that he cares about you. I don't think that a married person can't have feelings for someone other than their spouse, but usually...they lie about that. They tell the OW/OM, that they don't love their spouse, that they aren't having sex, etc. What OM/OW would date a MM/MW, if they said ''I love my spouse so much and we have sex on the daily, but I also want you too?'' lol

 

He's likely having sex with his wife, likely loves his wife, and only wants you on the side. That's what most cheaters are up to. And they come up with all types of creative lines to feed their lovers.

 

I would end this, like others have suggested. It will only end in disaster.

[jah526]

Mine used to say that he valued the friendship more than the sex. Then he’d proceed to try to get sex.

 

He wasn’t a consistent liar though, which made things more confusing. Once he told me he wanted to keep emotions out of it because he already had too much of that at home. I believe that was the truth.

 

Now he just seems pissed at me and he walks around with his head down feeling sorry for himself because he can’t find anyone to act out his porn fantasies with. He is a giant entitled man-baby.