Getting Tired of my Sexless Marriage - 9 years and counting

[MysticRaven]

Hi, i'm new to this group and this is the first time that I have ever joined a forum or group and the first time I've ever spoken of this "out loud" to anyone before.

 

I am a woman in good condition and I keep myself in good shape and am now pretty confident and satisfied with my body after a lot of hard work to get into better shape and health. I'm in my early 60's but don't look or feel my age, I am still very active and am still working.

 

I have been with my current husband for almost 20 years now, and married for 11 years. We met online in a regular chatroom and hit it off right away, we started out as really good friends and it just progress from there. Since we met online and lived in different states, (he in Alaska and me in NY) we just spent a lot of time chatting and talking on the phone before we actually met. We started our relationship in December 2000 and we finally got together in June 2001. He had a lot some problems and hadn't ever been in a "real" relationship, one without abuse, in his life and so moving in with me, into a regular, safe non-threatening relationship took some getting used to for him. But we stuck together and have managed to make a great life for ourselves during all this time. We both have grown children but I had a young son who he has helped me raise from the time he moved in who was 6 yrs old then.

 

Since we hadn't had a chance to explore our sexual compatibility because of the distance, the best we could do most often was "phone sex". I did realize that he was very "shy almost naive" about sex and was at first reluctant to even engage in phone sex with me, but after he tried it, he seemed to enjoy it immensely. I would later learn that he was most familiar with "solo action" and seemed to prefer "self masturbation" to having actual sex. At first, I was quite upset about that and felt very hurt and unwanted. Then, since he was living with me, he has access to the Internet, something that he hadn't had before and he spends a lot of time on his laptop. I know what that is about, and I feel as if I can't complain about what he does in private. I was very bothered by the fact that often during the times we actually DID have sex, he would seem "like he wasn't really there" and sometime would have a porn mag somewhere close by that he could see while having sex with me. You can imagine how belittling and demeaning that was for me. In my first marriage, my husband would cheat on me all the time and was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, but never physically, though.

 

That being said, he seemed to be easily "infatuated" with women he would chat with online, and we almost ended our relationship over that.

 

He and I have been "sexless" for almost 9 years now straight, and I know EXACTLY when the last time was that we had actual intercourse. I will say, that I know that I am a very sexually aggressive woman, and I enjoy it very much and it seems that "partnered sex" is not a "big deal" with him, since he can always "take care of himself" when he wants or needs to, but he hasn't once, ever, even offered to "help me out" even if he doesn't want sex with me. I have resorted to reading "lady porn", lots of hot romance books and the like. I am still attractive and he tells me that very often, I get hugs and kisses, but nothing that would ever lead to anything more intimate. I once asked him he was "OK" with our sexual relationship the way it was or if he wanted to "work on it", and he answered that he was very happy with the way things were. I was going to a therapist for a little while, but all that did was to make me more unsatisfied with my life and cause major tension in my house. So I stopped going and just tried to do things that would keep me occupied so that I didn't have time to think about it too much and that has worked for the most part, but I REALLY, REALLY miss it!

 

So, now, even as our relationship is more solid than it has even been, I find that I am not happy about the lack of intimacy and sex in my life, but at the age I am now, I don't want to leave my marriage, I made vows that I take very seriously and I feel horrible when I even have the fleeting thought that maybe there would be someone who would enjoy spending time with me.

 

He is a wonderful man and a great friend and partner, and has become very faithful and committed to our marriage, so I don't know what to think now or how to feel. I thought that as I was now into my early 60's that the "need and want for sex" would have left me or decreased, but it hasn't and I guess that is why I am having the thoughts I am having now.

 

How do I stop thinking about the sex and intimacy that is missing from my life and learn to be happy with a good marriage and a good man who has my back at all times? Should I consider the "sexless marriage" as the "trade off" for a good relationship?

 

I would listen to the opinions of others, but hope there will be no negativity about my husband. I just want to know what I can do to be less preoccupied with thoughts of sex and intimacy when there seems to be little hope that I will ever experience it again?

 

Thanks in advance...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You sound like the sweetest lady ever .

 

Do you think your husband could possibly have a porn ADDICTION?

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m always amazed that someone can describe their relationship as “solid” and their partner as “wonderful” when both are so obviously flawed. It would be like saying this room has everything I need - except oxygen. And since intimacy is a similarly basic need, here you are expressing your understandable dissatisfaction.

 

Given all you’ve invested, I’d certainly give things a chance. As in “I’ve made an appointment with a counselor specializing in sexual issues for next week. You’ll signify your desire to stay married by going with me”.

 

Ball should be in his court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

It certainly sounds like you married a wonderful man, with whom you are not sexually compatable.

 

You must now decide how important sex/intimacy is to you and whether it is a deal breaker in your marriage. It sounds like he is perfectly happy taking care of himself, no need to change things from his perspective.

 

Counselling may help. I wish you luck.

[ICEMAN69]

hadn't ever been in a "real" relationship, one without abuse, in his life and so moving in with me, into a regular, safe non-threatening relationship took some getting used to for him.

 

I did realize that he was very "shy almost naive" about sex and was at first reluctant to even engage in phone sex with me, but after he tried it, he seemed to enjoy it immensely. I would later learn that he was most familiar with "solo action" and seemed to prefer "self masturbation" to having actual sex.

 

 

These were the two comments that jumped out at me Mystic.

 

I'm not sure what you mean preciously when you say that he hadn't ever been in a "real" relationship but it hints that he perhaps learned to self pleasure himself early on so that feels normal for him. And if he was in an abusive relationship, he may have had to self satisfy himself in that environment as well.

 

And the fact that you're referring to his sexual shyness at his more advanced age is also an indication that he probably has relied on himself for many years and that is just where he's at now.

 

And the fact that he's content with how things are, being sexless for 9 years while he's obviously self satisfying himself has left you with a big problem I'm sorry to say.

 

At any point have you looked at him and said that this is unacceptable?

[ICEMAN69]

I’m always amazed that someone can describe their relationship as “solid” and their partner as “wonderful” when both are so obviously flawed. It would be like saying this room has everything I need - except oxygen. And since intimacy is a similarly basic need, here you are expressing your understandable dissatisfaction.

 

I like your analogy Lucky.

 

To be honest I'm not even sure how you get to the 9 year mark. I mean I'm frustrated going without sex for a week. So yeah, that would have been instant deal breaker for me somewhere around the 6 month mark. As in, if this is all you need from our marriage, adios my dear!

[somanymistakes]

He's content with things the way they are. He's lived a long time being himself and knows what he likes. It's going to be very difficult to get him to change course completely at this stage in his life, and absolutely impossible unless he wants to change.

 

That does not make him a bad person. It may make him a bad match for you. Only you can know that.

 

So, you need to consider your options.

 

Can you be satisfied with less than full sex? If he's intimate with you in other ways, if he gives you backrubs and massages and maybe participates in fantasy or toy play with you, would that be enough for you?

 

If there was a way to remove your own sexual desire, would that be something you'd actually want? (There are drugs that affect libido. I'm not sure this is a good option but it is an option that exists and if you're considering all the possibilities, you should think about this too.)

 

If your husband gave you his blessing to seek sexual fulfillment with someone else but stay married to him, how would you feel about that? (Again, covering all the options.)

 

How would you feel about having sex with your husband if you knew he wasn't into it but was just forcing himself in order to try and please you?

 

Have you talked to him about how much these needs matter to you? How would you feel about issuing an ultimatum - sexual counseling or divorce?

[FMW]

Only you know if you CAN continue without sexual intimacy. SHOULD you? I say no, but if you absolutely don't want to leave your marriage and if he absolutely isn't going to change (which appears to be the case), then it seems you've made your choice.

 

I have a hard time believing that everything else in your marriage is good, although obviously I could be wrong. Sexual estrangement is often a symptom of something else not right.

 

The lack of something you need and want in your marriage will likely lead to resentment on your part, and if the right person and situation comes along possibly infidelity (if you think you would never do that you might just find out you're wrong). Both are obviously destructive to the relationship.

 

I was in a sexless marriage for the last 10+ years of my 23 year marriage. It lead to my disconnecting emotionally from my husband which damaged our friendship, something that had always been strong for us. I felt invisible and lost much of my sense of being a "real" woman. I couldn't do it anymore. Only you can decide if you can.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You posted that you asked your husband if he was satisfied with the sexual intimacy in your marriage...you never said if you told HIM how you feel.

 

How about couples councelling? Find a therapist that has specialized in this arena. Work together. Only you going doesnt solve anything...he has to be onboard as well.

 

If he refuses...then you have a decision to make.