What not to do if you love someone but they no longer love you back! Trust me!

[goodfella]

This makes for an interesting read and a lesson to learn before you make the same mistake as me......

 

I was 23 at the time (27 now) and i had just finished Uni, i had moved back to my home town to chill out with my friends and enjoy the summer. I was glad to be back as i had a very bad time at Uni....somehow i didnt quiet take to the new lifestyle and independence, i clamed up in my shell and suffered from panic attacks everyday, all i wanted to do was go home. Things got progressively worse untill i had to seek professional help and have some cognative behaviour therapy to sort my head out. i was starting to feel a bit more like my old self, but still was incapable of really pursuing a career and moving on with my life.

 

One summers evening my friends and i were in the pub when a friend of mine said that the bar maid fancied me, i was astounded as i felt like the lowest grade of crap at the time and couldnt understand why she would like me? Believe me when i say this girl was the most stunning thing i had ever seen in my life, just like god had put an angel there infront of me and no one has compared to her since!

 

Anyhow i was too scared to make a move on her so she eventually asked me out for a drink. I noticed amazingly that she was very nervous when she talked to me and it immediately attracted me to her as i thought she maybe able to relate to my current problems.

I said no when she asked me as i was too ashamed of myself to let someone in my life and thought my problems would scare her off. I kicked myself for about a month for doing that, when i saw her again and plucked up the courage in a do or die situation and asked her out.....she said yes and we started what turned out to be a beautiful relationship.

 

I had never felt love before, i swam in its slickly waters and loved this person as much as i thought i would love anyone. She was the most beautilful thing i had ever had. This was her first relationship too and we shared new and amazing emotions together including losing our virginity, we were one as a person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with this girl and i believed her when she said she felt the same.

 

She left to go to Uni and we kept up out amazing relationship for a further 2 years, until one day she decided to explain to me that she thought we would be better off as friends, this of course destroyed me and i begged her not to break it up, as in my eyes i couldnt see the reason to do so and couldnt understand let alone comprehend why she would want to.

 

This is where i made the biggest mistake in my life i have ever made and in hinesight if anyone is in a simlar situation and you still love, want to pursue him/her and beleive it could still work but they dont feel the same.....BAIL OUT NOW AND WALK AWAY!

 

She was very simialr to me in personality...shy, caring, genuine, loving, innocent, considerate and faithful. She had similar problems at Uni and didnt really have any true friends as i had.

I foolishly continued to pusue, love, care and want her for some time. Whenever she was back from Uni, which happened to be every weekend, i was there for her, ignoring my friends, vigourosly chasing her love for me and hoping with all my heart that we would get back together. We spent alot of time together still.

She gave me little bits of affection from time to time, from hugs to holding hands, to evenings of meaningful displays of affection in front of my friends and on occasion something a bit more intimate if you know what i mean, but then always turned cold again in the morning when i ting to contiune how we had left off the night before. I stupidly thought it would just take some more effort and time.

I dont know why she did this now because i know how it ended but i always wonder why she never helped me to let go of my love too after all we had shared together, i trusted and respected her so much and thought she felt the same. A hold from her hand was like a thousand years of sunshine on my heart for me and only encouraged me more to crawl back what i truely believed was destin for the both of us, like true love i suppose.

My friends started to notice what was going on and tried to talk me round, saying that she was just using me, giving me just enough to hold on to my love for her so she wouldnt be on her own.

 

I decided not to listen to my friends and continued to lap up every little morsal of affection she gave me, this contined for an amazing 1 1/2 years after we first broke up!..........she had always told me that she ended our relationship because of distance and she needed time to her self to fix a few problems and had no time for ANY relationship for a while.....

 

Its been three weeks now since i found out though a friend that she was dating another bloke, four weeks after she last held my hand after going for some drinks. She had met some ex marine rugby player doing some experiments for her Uni course in our home town.

 

I died AGAIN that day!!

 

The pain is nearly unbearable knowing that you have helped, held love for and thought of her everyday for a further year and a half AND ALL YOU HAVE DONE is to help her get over me and still give her the moral and social support she needed until this inevitable day. She says he is nice guy (and im not!?) and that we had been apart for a while and she needs to move on in her life. Again in my devistation i asked for her to consider me once again and said we could no longer stay in each others company when she was seeing someone else as it was just to much for me to bear. She declined my invitation and ironically told me to get out more and meet some new people!!

 

As i had never felt love before this i had never felt pain quite like it either, i coped seeing her everyother day after the breakup, a bit like a fix for some drug i was addicted to, but knowing that she is starting another relationship after all the effort and time i had given her really does feel like the world has droped out your ass!

I havent seen or spoke to her in a few weeks as i wanted NC with her, but unfortunatly i saw them walk into the pub together last week, smiling and joking together...i nearly puked right then and there on the floor i was/am so sick with betrayal, jealously and is utterly demoralised!

 

I am in real trouble, it has caused my past to creep up on me, a horrible feeling of panic, distrust and low self esteem at a level i havent felt in a long time. I find myself desperatly tring to change my lifestyle, my habbits MY LIFE thinking thats why she never took interest in me again, but i know this is the wrong thing to do.

 

I know if i keep up the NC thing my feelings will change about her, incredibly hard thing to do when all you have thought of is her for as long as you can remember. I just cant fathom how she managed to do it, but i then reliased its because she doesnt feel the same way as i do about her. My life once again has come to a complete standstill and knowing that i have to waste more time waiting for things to get better is incredibly frustrating, esspecially knowing she is moving on, happy and fulfilling her life again. Could almot be pysically sick just writing this!

 

I sit here now in my room a broken man once again knowing that looking out my window she is out there laughing, doing things as simple as holding his hand, discovering new things about each other which is enough to make me feel ill, i darnt imagine anything further! I know i wont get a call from her, not that i really want one, but i just cant imagine how people that can do that sleep at night, i know i now do not!

 

I have learnt that love is blind and when in doubt pull out. Dont make these mistakes lovely people. I have been reading the forums for a few weeks and they have helped me alot to cope with my situation, i know there probably arent as many people out there as foolish as me but if you feel you are going down the same path learn from me.

[NewLee40]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it is terribly painful. I agree with you that if someone is willing to walk away from you, its best to let them go.

 

You aren't doing yourself any favors by pursuing them at that point.

 

I know its hard now. Be gentle with yourself, and give your heart time to heal and grieve. Its a long hard road back. But, you can do it.

[crazy_grl]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

 

Don't think of your ex as a bad person or that she didn't love you. She should not have done those things to string you along, but it is hard to tell someone you care about that you don't feel the way you used to. She proved to be pretty cowardly in the long run, but she did tell you she wanted out when she broke it off.

 

My point is not to justify her behavior or to make you feel bad. I just don't want to see you get cynical and untrusting of love. You said "I have learnt that love is blind and when in doubt pull out.", but I think the real lesson here is that you have to listen more carefully to what your partner is telling you and not let hope blind you. And when they tell you they want out, you have to have the courage to let them go and not continue to hold on. That's very hard to do, so don't beat yourself up over it so much.

 

Just move forward and focus on the rest of your life. You've got to have some great things going on that have nothing to do with her. If you don't, create some.

[goodfella]

Thx for the support crazy_grl & NewLee40 I am not too cynical of love just that i feel as though i will not find anyone who will replace her and i didnt want anyone to replace for such a long time. But i am starting to let her go and i know i will love again, it will just take time for me to be me again and open myself up to a new relationship. I want to be happy for her as she is clearly happy once again herself, but jealously gets the better of me most the time and i want to hate her for what she did. I know she is a good person at heart and would never really want to hurt me but i blame her partly for how awful i feel, even though deep down i know that its what I think cognatively that causes me to feel this way. Its stupidly hard to not think about the whole situation and her, but if i did the pain would go away slightly, i suppose im still not ready to forget her. That is what hurts me the most is that she clearly has no real problems, awful feelings of lost over me. I wish i could be as strong and as positive as her, but i suppose her new love interest helps her with that.

 

Thanks again all, i will stick around and see if i can help out else where on the forums

[kammanlee]

This makes for an interesting read and a lesson to learn before you make the same mistake as me......

 

I was 23 at the time (27 now) and i had just finished Uni, i had moved back to my home town to chill out with my friends and enjoy the summer. I was glad to be back as i had a very bad time at Uni....somehow i didnt quiet take to the new lifestyle and independence, i clamed up in my shell and suffered from panic attacks everyday, all i wanted to do was go home. Things got progressively worse untill i had to seek professional help and have some cognative behaviour therapy to sort my head out. i was starting to feel a bit more like my old self, but still was incapable of really pursuing a career and moving on with my life.

 

One summers evening my friends and i were in the pub when a friend of mine said that the bar maid fancied me, i was astounded as i felt like the lowest grade of crap at the time and couldnt understand why she would like me? Believe me when i say this girl was the most stunning thing i had ever seen in my life, just like god had put an angel there infront of me and no one has compared to her since!

 

Anyhow i was too scared to make a move on her so she eventually asked me out for a drink. I noticed amazingly that she was very nervous when she talked to me and it immediately attracted me to her as i thought she maybe able to relate to my current problems.

I said no when she asked me as i was too ashamed of myself to let someone in my life and thought my problems would scare her off. I kicked myself for about a month for doing that, when i saw her again and plucked up the courage in a do or die situation and asked her out.....she said yes and we started what turned out to be a beautiful relationship.

 

I had never felt love before, i swam in its slickly waters and loved this person as much as i thought i would love anyone. She was the most beautilful thing i had ever had. This was her first relationship too and we shared new and amazing emotions together including losing our virginity, we were one as a person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with this girl and i believed her when she said she felt the same.

 

She left to go to Uni and we kept up out amazing relationship for a further 2 years, until one day she decided to explain to me that she thought we would be better off as friends, this of course destroyed me and i begged her not to break it up, as in my eyes i couldnt see the reason to do so and couldnt understand let alone comprehend why she would want to.

 

This is where i made the biggest mistake in my life i have ever made and in hinesight if anyone is in a simlar situation and you still love, want to pursue him/her and beleive it could still work but they dont feel the same.....BAIL OUT NOW AND WALK AWAY!

 

She was very simialr to me in personality...shy, caring, genuine, loving, innocent, considerate and faithful. She had similar problems at Uni and didnt really have any true friends as i had.

I foolishly continued to pusue, love, care and want her for some time. Whenever she was back from Uni, which happened to be every weekend, i was there for her, ignoring my friends, vigourosly chasing her love for me and hoping with all my heart that we would get back together. We spent alot of time together still.

She gave me little bits of affection from time to time, from hugs to holding hands, to evenings of meaningful displays of affection in front of my friends and on occasion something a bit more intimate if you know what i mean, but then always turned cold again in the morning when i ting to contiune how we had left off the night before. I stupidly thought it would just take some more effort and time.

I dont know why she did this now because i know how it ended but i always wonder why she never helped me to let go of my love too after all we had shared together, i trusted and respected her so much and thought she felt the same. A hold from her hand was like a thousand years of sunshine on my heart for me and only encouraged me more to crawl back what i truely believed was destin for the both of us, like true love i suppose.

My friends started to notice what was going on and tried to talk me round, saying that she was just using me, giving me just enough to hold on to my love for her so she wouldnt be on her own.

 

I decided not to listen to my friends and continued to lap up every little morsal of affection she gave me, this contined for an amazing 1 1/2 years after we first broke up!..........she had always told me that she ended our relationship because of distance and she needed time to her self to fix a few problems and had no time for ANY relationship for a while.....

 

Its been three weeks now since i found out though a friend that she was dating another bloke, four weeks after she last held my hand after going for some drinks. She had met some ex marine rugby player doing some experiments for her Uni course in our home town.

 

I died AGAIN that day!!

 

The pain is nearly unbearable knowing that you have helped, held love for and thought of her everyday for a further year and a half AND ALL YOU HAVE DONE is to help her get over me and still give her the moral and social support she needed until this inevitable day. She says he is nice guy (and im not!?) and that we had been apart for a while and she needs to move on in her life. Again in my devistation i asked for her to consider me once again and said we could no longer stay in each others company when she was seeing someone else as it was just to much for me to bear. She declined my invitation and ironically told me to get out more and meet some new people!!

 

As i had never felt love before this i had never felt pain quite like it either, i coped seeing her everyother day after the breakup, a bit like a fix for some drug i was addicted to, but knowing that she is starting another relationship after all the effort and time i had given her really does feel like the world has droped out your ass!

I havent seen or spoke to her in a few weeks as i wanted NC with her, but unfortunatly i saw them walk into the pub together last week, smiling and joking together...i nearly puked right then and there on the floor i was/am so sick with betrayal, jealously and is utterly demoralised!

 

I am in real trouble, it has caused my past to creep up on me, a horrible feeling of panic, distrust and low self esteem at a level i havent felt in a long time. I find myself desperatly tring to change my lifestyle, my habbits MY LIFE thinking thats why she never took interest in me again, but i know this is the wrong thing to do.

 

I know if i keep up the NC thing my feelings will change about her, incredibly hard thing to do when all you have thought of is her for as long as you can remember. I just cant fathom how she managed to do it, but i then reliased its because she doesnt feel the same way as i do about her. My life once again has come to a complete standstill and knowing that i have to waste more time waiting for things to get better is incredibly frustrating, esspecially knowing she is moving on, happy and fulfilling her life again. Could almot be pysically sick just writing this!

 

I sit here now in my room a broken man once again knowing that looking out my window she is out there laughing, doing things as simple as holding his hand, discovering new things about each other which is enough to make me feel ill, i darnt imagine anything further! I know i wont get a call from her, not that i really want one, but i just cant imagine how people that can do that sleep at night, i know i now do not!

 

I have learnt that love is blind and when in doubt pull out. Dont make these mistakes lovely people. I have been reading the forums for a few weeks and they have helped me alot to cope with my situation, i know there probably arent as many people out there as foolish as me but if you feel you are going down the same path learn from me.

I have the same situation as you, would you pls tell me what should I do?

you can reach me at [email protected]

 

thank you very much

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Goodfella, I can imagine how painful it must be. I know that feeling, and just how hard it is to cope. My situation was different, but yes, I know it's terrible to even imagine that you wasted a huge amount of time, effort, and most of all, your deepest emotions for someone who never even realised its worth.

 

But hey - it will get better (that's the most hackneyed dialogue here on LS!! ) You come across as a caring, sincere person...too bad for her, she doesn't know what she lost! She was the one who got lucky, having you with her.

 

I can only give the standard LS spiel...strict NC, don't even think of breaking NC, search "within yourself" for happiness, etcetera.....but then, I haven't come across a better suggestion myself!

 

Keep reading LS threads, it mostly helps, even though it's addictive

[wreck]

"she had always told me that she ended our relationship because of distance and she needed time to her self to fix a few problems and had no time for ANY relationship for a while....."

 

That's exactly what 'im going through at the moment too, the woman i love has said that and i've just had to sever all contact from her as of last night, it's hard as hell i feel dead inside but like i've finally given into the pain instead of trying to fight it i'm totally heartbroken completely inconsolable but this way it will either make her realise what she's missing and want to start again or the other unthinkable side of things, i think i'd probably die if she started seeing somebody else but as you said ti just proves and makes you realise that they don't love you like you love them.

 

Much love to you all that are going through all this suffereing..

x

[goodfella]

Thanks all still for the continued posts

 

I am well on my way to walking this off (i think)and so can all of you. I have kept to NC and it does work, the only slip ups i get is when i see her out and about.

 

In a very strange sort of way im thanking her for all that she did wrong towards me and the breakup.....it has made me face myself and issues which i was unhappy with. Its made me relise that you have to be truely happy and love yourself whether you are in a relationship or not before you can live a life of relative peace.

 

I am facing my demons and im very excited about how better i am feeling and how good i am going to feel when ive beat most of them. I get occasional feelings of inner peace, joy, excitment, happiness, strength, self love, which will only get more frequent, something which i havent felt for a long time. Call it personal self development or what you will but i probably would never of dealt with this issues if she hung around.

 

I am a caring and sincere person, which sometimes i feel is my downfall. I put far too much trust in people and do things for them before myself. This of course leaves me open for a serious emotional beating when situations arrise like this one. Maybe i should try and change to be a more closed and "bad boy" type of character, but i dont really want to. I think my openess, caring and being a "nice guy" is one of my better traits even though it does let me down occasionally.

 

I still think of her most days, but my perseption of those thoughts are changing too and i feel less emotional pain when i do. At the end of the day we all cause our own pain only in the way we think about things, this is so true its unreal. This is and how i am trying to change, ironically its the same method she used to fall out of love with me and not care anymore.....only she did it unconciously and unknowly to herself.

 

Take care all

[Baz]

A familiar story.

 

I ducked out and walked away when she first said she need space etc but unfortunatley she followed and strung me along with promises about the future. Even now she wont leave me alone. Wants to know what im doing, says she wants to give me a big hug etc but I dont want to know now. The reason being that I know she has been seeing another guy. So for a year I have had to be strong and supportive and understanding of her issues and situation only to be told that she had met someone else.

 

Well, guess what? im no longer an option. She just showed her hand and at last I get it.

 

All I can suggest is that you dont get mad, get even and show her exactly what you are about. Have a look at yourself, change your wardrobe, get a new haircut, and a new lifestyle and then a new partner. You will feel great and from there your new life will unfold.

[goodfella]

Good luck to you Baz! She was obviously just trying to hang on to you for some emotional support untill she found another sucker. You have my utmost respect for walking in the first place, i wish i could of been as strong as you and did the same thing. I'm working on my wardrobe, had a haircut and started a new lifestyle....haha I'm not doing it for her though...i'm doing it for myself, as she will not get to see me anyway. She is very beautiful anyhow so looks dont really effect her as she can attract nearly any male she wants. So i'm going to work on my self, happiness and personality instead. To gain respect, friendship and love through being me and not how i look so much. Unfortunatly in todays shallow society we have all been brain washed by images of perfect people & perfect lives, i'm on a mission to rid myself of these misconceptions and base my happiness on myself and not that of others.

 

An interesting fact for you:

 

Did you people born since 1945 are 10 times more likely to suffer from depression than those born before.

 

The answer: The most widely accepted explanation for this sort of phenomenon is that society has changed. Over the past 5 decades, there has been:

 

A breakdown in the extended family

A dispersal of communities

An increased focus on material wealth

An overwhelming prevalence of news media and an increase in focus on 'the self'.

All of which, and more besides, add up to a potent recipe for depression

 

 

Stay strong all