In a new relationship but starting to feel guilty about the way I treated my first

[raizel]

I'm currently very happy with my current boyfriend but as time passes by I realise how much of a douche of was to my ex.

 

I'm still good friends with my ex and my boyfriend is fine with it because they're pretty good friends too.

 

In my past relationship I would overreact out of sheer jealousy. My ex had a crush on another girl before we started dating and I got crazy whenever I saw him messaging her (he was already over her at that point and they were harmless messages). I did stuff like ask him to cut ties with her and it really hurt him that I was in so much distress and couldn't trust him. At the time, I thought I was being reasonable.

 

In my current relationship, I'm the one doing the things I apprehended. I still talk to my ex from time to time. For me it's really harmless because I don't have those romantic feelings for him anymore... It's a platonic love. However, if I was in my current boyfriend's position, I'd flip out.

 

I'm starting to realise that all the things I told my ex off for were dumb. I accused him of having an emotional affair, but now I can see that I was a huge, insecure jerk who hurt him to the point where he would be in tears.

 

I'm not saying we would have worked out if it weren't for my attitude - we were incompatible in other aspects. But I can't help but feel incredibly guilty for hurting a friend I care so much about like that.

 

At this point I don't know if I deserve to be happy with my boyfriend if I inflicted so much pain on someone else.

[Romantic_Antics]

Have you shared this realization with your ex and apologized to him? It might make you feel a little better.

 

Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes. You're showing personal growth and maturity by recognizing that you could've reacted differently with your ex and that should be commended, not punished by telling yourself you don't deserve to be happy.

 

We've all said or done something we regret, but what matters is that we take accountability for it, apologize to anyone we may have hurt, and learn from it so that we don't make the same mistake again.

[basil67]

Looking back at your previous post https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/628308-should-i-see-therapist-about-my-jealousy-wait-until-i-get-into-another-relo I'd say you weren't out of line with your ex. As I said to you back then, this was your gut reacting to red flags.

 

I suspect that you're not creeping out with your ex like he did to you. And I suspect that you're not messaging him nearly as often as he did to the girl he had a crush on. If your current guy had a problem with you being in contact with the ex, would you ignore him and do it anyway, or would you do what you could to make him feel more comfortable?

[raizel]

Looking back at your previous post https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/628308-should-i-see-therapist-about-my-jealousy-wait-until-i-get-into-another-relo I'd say you weren't out of line with your ex. As I said to you back then, this was your gut reacting to red flags.

 

I suspect that you're not creeping out with your ex like he did to you. And I suspect that you're not messaging him nearly as often as he did to the girl he had a crush on. If your current guy had a problem with you being in contact with the ex, would you ignore him and do it anyway, or would you do what you could to make him feel more comfortable?

Hi basil67! I remember your post very well. I remember reading the post every few days to help me move forward, thank you.

 

It's true. I don't remember the last time I've even seen my ex.

 

You're right - Two weeks ago my boyfriend told me that he felt a little bit off about me still messaging my ex. I am already making changes to make my boyfriend feel more comfortable.

 

We had a discussion about this. He doesn't want me to lose my friends because of him so he says he's fine with online group chats. The first post of this thread is a little bit misleading since I haven't directly messaged my ex since my boyfriend voiced his feelings. Our contact is now limited to group chats (I think that's reasonable).

 

Reflecting on my last post, I realise that don't feel the same paranoia with my current boyfriend.

 

But just remembering the times where I made my ex cry (because I said he didn't care about me) makes me feel like a crappy person. Perhaps his feelings were genuine, but he was just not very good at trying to resolve issues. As the poster said above, I guess this would be one of my life lessons, and I will be careful not to repeat history.

[raizel]

Have you shared this realization with your ex and apologized to him? It might make you feel a little better.

 

Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes. You're showing personal growth and maturity by recognizing that you could've reacted differently with your ex and that should be commended, not punished by telling yourself you don't deserve to be happy.

 

We've all said or done something we regret, but what matters is that we take accountability for it, apologize to anyone we may have hurt, and learn from it so that we don't make the same mistake again.

When my current boyfriend and I first started dating, we approached my ex out of courtesy (since we're all friends). We talked to him separately. I don't know what my boyfriend told my ex, but I told my ex that I have realized that I had been very difficult on him and that I will try to use what I've learned in my new relationship. I also noted that I still consider him a good friend and wish him the best. At the back of my head I am still thinking an apology isn't enough for the hurt I caused.

 

Thank you for the kind words. It's difficult for my to let go of the past (I'm always anxious about stuff) but if I keep in mind that I have learned a valuable life lesson, I think all will work out well.