In love with another man

[NMnow]

I am in my 40s, married for over 20 years. We have a good marriage and a kid and I always thought that I was one of the lucky ones that was happy with my life partner. About a year and a half I began a new job and became very close with a male coworker. Our business is high intensity and creates a special, "front line" bonding.

 

I noticed my attraction to my coworker and have been fighting it during this time. He is married as well. We are close and have a very strange and strong emotional connection. Lately the bond seems to be getting stronger. He is about to be promoted to another department. I'm happy for him but I am taking this very badly. I am devastated, and through the grief I am realizing that I am in love with my coworker. Not sure how it happened. Pretty sure it is not reciprocal.

 

I love my husband and don't intend to do anything to break our family. I'm already going to therapy but I am at a loss to what to do with my new found feelings. I don't want to tell my husband because I believe this would devastate him. I am losing my mind. The good news is my coworker is a very decent and honorable man and even if there is a connection and attraction, it is against his nature to act on anything. But I feel like this situation is making me crazy and unpredictable. I need help. Have any of you been through something similar? How do you fix this?

Edited May 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[salparadise]

Oh gosh! How unfortunate. I had infatuations while I was married, but nothing as intense what you seem to be experiencing. It's commendable that you are resolute with your priorities, and you're lucky that your coworker isn't pursuing an extramarital affair.

 

How do you deal with it? First, you make your decision in advance that based on your values, self-respect, for the welfare and survival of your family and the congruity of your existence looking forward, that this will pass like a cloud passing overhead, becoming smaller and smaller and disappearing behind the horizon.

 

Talk it out with your therapist, but do not tell your husband. You're correct in your assessment that it would devastate him, and it could result in the dissolution of your family. I'm sure someone here (moral absolutists) will tell you to confess it in the name of honesty and transparency, but I think that's bad advice. It might help to journal, but be very careful that it's not discoverable.

 

You have to get away from this coworker permanently. When he moves to another department will he be moving physically such that you won't be having incidental contact? If not then I think you need to quit the job and find work where you won't have any contact whatsoever. You have to go no contact. No texting or emailing. Cut off contact in every way possible and eventually the feelings will diminish. If you're a rational type you'll be able to use reason reinforce your decision. If you have post-conventional moral development then you'll be able to do what you know is right, realizing that anything else is not who you are and not something you could live with.

 

It's impossible to say how long it will take, or if the feelings will ever go away completely... but they will diminish if you don't feed it with the wrong thoughts or contact with this man. Also read up on Buddhist philosophy... impermanance (anicca) and the theory that everything is transient. Also, while pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Suffering is caused by desire, and desire is a choice. We have the capacity to elevate our consciousness beyond the level where desire rules our hearts and minds. Your brain chemistry is also messing with you, and that will subside as you let go of desire and have no more contact.

 

I hope you find something helpful here. All the best to you and yours.

[treehugger12]

Yes this has happened to me, I am late 40’s, married 20+years, the last year has been difficult with the feelings Ive had, my crush too is married. We cannot help what our hearts want, it’s only natural. Mine was the first hard crush I had in over 25 years and I was crazy about him. Distance is the only thing that will help those feelings fade, they have faded a lot for me, I will always have those feelings for him, but time and distance does help. I see my crush sometimes and my heart melts a little still but it’s not as intense as it was. I just try to avoid him to help heal my heart.

Good luck to you:)

[BaileyB]

It’s probably a hood thing that he is being transferred to another department. You may not see it as such, but it is a blessing in disguise.

 

Time and distance will help you to gain a different perspective. Keep goin with the counselling. And, go home and hug your husband and child tonight. Best wishes.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You might want to address boundaries.

Personal/Professional.

 

You might also want to address Who you are.

 

Are you a person who cheats on their SO?

Are you a person who puts themselves in the middle of their co-workers marriage?

How would you feel about yourself if your husband and his wife knew?

How would it feel if other co-workers knew about this emotional entanglement?

 

Wouldnt one gather more strength of character by having their own back and not engaging in behaviours that destroy ones integrity? Wouldnt that make oneself feel better about themselves? Do we not feel more at peace with ourselves when we know we are doing the right thing?

 

If we only keep our gaze on what we think we lost (true love?)...we fail to take in what we have gained (self respect).

[ICEMAN69]

I am in my 40s, married for over 20 years. We have a good marriage and a kid and I always thought that I was one of the lucky ones that was happy with my life partner. About a year and a half I began a new job and became very close with a male coworker. Our business is high intensity and creates a special, "front line" bonding.

 

I noticed my attraction to my coworker and have been fighting it during this time. He is married as well. We are close and have a very strange and strong emotional connection. Lately the bond seems to be getting stronger. He is about to be promoted to another department. I'm happy for him but I am taking this very badly. I am devastated, and through the grief I am realizing that I am in love with my coworker. Not sure how it happened. Pretty sure it is not reciprocal.

 

I love my husband and don't intend to do anything to break our family. I'm already going to therapy but I am at a loss to what to do with my new found feelings. I don't want to tell my husband because I believe this would devastate him. I am losing my mind. The good news is my coworker is a very decent and honorable man and even if there is a connection and attraction, it is against his nature to act on anything. But I feel like this situation is making me crazy and unpredictable. I need help. Have any of you been through something similar? How do you fix this?

 

My ex-wife went through something similar, and got some terrible advice from some nutty "counselor" who told her she should share her feelings with her male co-worker. Well, that was pretty stupid advice because when she did, he looked at her like she was nuts and that shut down the comfort of their working relationship permanently. My ex admitted to being embarrassed and humiliated.

[NMnow]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think taking it one day at a time and the nature of desire is safe advise.I know I have to make some hard decisions. So far I am committed to not tell either of them about my feelings. Serves absolutely no purpose outside of creating drama. I am not sure how his transfer is going to go down. He may stay in the same office but working with another team. I will be working very closely with him the next couple of weeks to transition his duties. After that, I can have more limited contact. It is not feasible to live my job but I am certainly looking around. I just need to keep my sanit.

[Marc878]

You are in the danger zone.

 

Picture blowing up two families and your work atmosphere at the same time.

 

Better wake up

[bathtub-row]

It's likely to happen in any long-term relationship that you're going to meet someone else at some point in time that you have deep feelings for. It doesn't mean you need to destroy your marriage over it, and you're right not to tell your husband about it. As you well know, your feelings for this person will eventually fade. It's just going to take time.

[BettyDraper]

It's great that your coworker is being transferred. That will lead to your feelings for him lessening.

 

I'm glad that you're in therapy. I don't think you're "in love" with your coworker. You're experiencing infatuation.

 

Don't tell your husband about your feelings. Take the passionate energy you are directing towards your coworker and channel it into your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's likely to happen in any long-term relationship that you're going to meet someone else at some point in time that you have deep feelings for.

 

You may meet candidates for "deep feelings", but the OP's situation only reaches it's present state if she allows it. There are plenty of strategies for minimizing contact with someone who is a danger to your marriage and family and I'd guess some of the "bonding" she describes was less than accidental.

 

Your garden grows where you water...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoldenR]

If the OM told you he wants to be with you, would you act on it?

 

If the answer is yes, then I'll ask you why you're married? Bc if it doesn't happen this time, it's sure to happen with the next guy that you "front line" bond with.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am in my 40s, married for over 20 years. We have a good marriage and a kid and I always thought that I was one of the lucky ones that was happy with my life partner. About a year and a half I began a new job and became very close with a male coworker. Our business is high intensity and creates a special, "front line" bonding.

 

I noticed my attraction to my coworker and have been fighting it during this time. He is married as well. We are close and have a very strange and strong emotional connection. Lately the bond seems to be getting stronger. He is about to be promoted to another department. I'm happy for him but I am taking this very badly. I am devastated, and through the grief I am realizing that I am in love with my coworker. Not sure how it happened. Pretty sure it is not reciprocal.

 

I love my husband and don't intend to do anything to break our family. I'm already going to therapy but I am at a loss to what to do with my new found feelings. I don't want to tell my husband because I believe this would devastate him. I am losing my mind. The good news is my coworker is a very decent and honorable man and even if there is a connection and attraction, it is against his nature to act on anything. But I feel like this situation is making me crazy and unpredictable. I need help. Have any of you been through something similar? How do you fix this?

 

You start by realizing that you are not in love with him, you said it yourself, you are attracted to him. Unfortunately our female brains make us think that we are in love when it's really lust. Men seem to be able to tell the difference, they can separate the two. Women have trouble with this.

 

So you are in your 40s, married for half your life and experiencing a huge massive crush and probably, somewhat of a midlife crisis. This is pretty normal. Luckily the guy seems clueless, so you are not in an affair, but the next guy might not be so honorable. And trust me, there is always a next guy with these things.

 

How to fix it is to, like I said, realize it's physical attraction with raging hormones, and basically do what a guy would do. You just ride it out like a cold. Avoid him as much as possible, be curt and professional, not overly inviting or friendly. Distance and seeing him as an imperfect person usually cools off the fires. Giant crushes tend to flare up fast and fade away as quickly, assuming you do not feed the fires.

 

Since you already have a therapist, talk about the possibility of a midlife crisis and what you can do now to prevent you from basically wrecking your life in a year or two. Figure out what is going on. Trust me, midlife crisis at our age is a very real thing. Something changes in your brain chemistry and you just are not yourself for a few years.

[BluesPower]

You start by realizing that you are not in love with him, you said it yourself, you are attracted to him. Unfortunately our female brains make us think that we are in love when it's really lust. Men seem to be able to tell the difference, they can separate the two. Women have trouble with this.

 

So you are in your 40s, married for half your life and experiencing a huge massive crush and probably, somewhat of a midlife crisis. This is pretty normal. Luckily the guy seems clueless, so you are not in an affair, but the next guy might not be so honorable. And trust me, there is always a next guy with these things.

 

How to fix it is to, like I said, realize it's physical attraction with raging hormones, and basically do what a guy would do. You just ride it out like a cold. Avoid him as much as possible, be curt and professional, not overly inviting or friendly. Distance and seeing him as an imperfect person usually cools off the fires. Giant crushes tend to flare up fast and fade away as quickly, assuming you do not feed the fires.

 

Since you already have a therapist, talk about the possibility of a midlife crisis and what you can do now to prevent you from basically wrecking your life in a year or two. Figure out what is going on. Trust me, midlife crisis at our age is a very real thing. Something changes in your brain chemistry and you just are not yourself for a few years.

 

Listen to Midnight... this lady knows what she is talking about.

 

How are you doing girl...

[treehugger12]

Yes....listen to Blues and Midnight

[whichwayisup]

If you truly value your marriage and want to stay married to your husband, you have no choice but to quit your job and get away from the MM. You've even said the feelings are getting stronger when you work with him.

 

Consider telling your husband. This way you are actually accountable for your actions and behavior towards MM. NO more hanging out with him or talking after work, texting etc has to stop.

 

Focus on your husband, why did you marry him?

[NMnow]

Listen to Midnight... this lady knows what she is talking about.

 

How are you doing girl...

 

Yes...I think midlife crisis + hormones are a major part of this. I have been able to separate the lust part from the love part successfully for the most part. It has been since his transfer that I have gone into the delusional "love" thing with him. I feel my brain has been hijacked. I know the best solution is to quit my job and never to see the OM again.

 

Having said that.. My husband is currently unemployed and it will take some time for me to find a comparable position with the flexibility I have somewhere else. I also know that the OM is somewhat incidental to the underlying issues related to midlife and other things. I know that if I don't get to the root of this there can be another man who will act on the attraction to my detriment.

 

It's hard to explain, but it is almost like I am observing myself in a movie. I know what needs to happen and I am not acting on it. The good news is that we have never talked or met outside work hours.Like I said, he is deeply respectful of his marriage. I am the crazy one with these feelings. I am the one with a child (he doesn't have any). I hope this new position will keep him away and due to my increased workload with him leaving I will be too busy to make contact with him.

 

As to my husband...he is a very good man, but I know that there are some underlying issues between us that need to be addressed. I love him, but I am not "in love" with him (which I know is a stupid barometer in a long-term relationship!. However I think that it is hard to gauge what is real in this fog of hormones and middle age.

[Mr. Lucky]

As to my husband...he is a very good man, but I know that there are some underlying issues between us that need to be addressed. I love him, but I am not "in love" with him (which I know is a stupid barometer in a long-term relationship!.

 

This is the real issue and underlying reason behind your unrequited EA. Were you "in love" with your spouse, the co-worker would register on your radar as a nice guy and that would be it. In allowing the decay of your marriage (not all your fault, I'm sure), you've left yourself vulnerable. And since Nature abhors a vacuum, fools rush in.

 

The good news is you have an easily definable solution...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kamani]

This is the real issue and underlying reason behind your unrequited EA. Were you "in love" with your spouse, the co-worker would register on your radar as a nice guy and that would be it. In allowing the decay of your marriage (not all your fault, I'm sure), you've left yourself vulnerable.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Listen to him. I faced a similar situation with my co-worker like you and sought advice from LS. My crush transferred I was having a hard time to forget him. Like you I thought I was in a basically happy marriage with a respectable, understanding husband.

 

There were pretty much confrontations among posters here whether I should discuss this EA with my husband or not. My heart was telling I should discuss this because of the hard time I was having getting over my co-worker. The answer to the question 'How can you warrant that if this man comes back to your office with you in mind, that you would not pursue it?' made me think I should take a brave step discussing it with my husband.

 

I had this discussion and my husband admitted to having casual flings behind my back. Wish all the best for you and not similar predicament. Good luck.

[standtall]

How do you fix this?

 

1. Honor your vows.

2. Quit your job or transfer away from the other cworker.

[carhill]

Task your therapist on processing attractions and intimacies with others as part and parcel of being human and away from the front and center of your marriage and family. Work on accepting them and still retaining the marital priority in your psyche. You will have other attractions. It's part of being human. How you handle them defines your health as a spouse.

 

I've been in your situation a fair amount in life, on the other side, as a single guy facing MW's, and most would not and did not consider what you shared even remotely analogous to an affair or infidelity and wouldn't/didn't disclose anything. They processed it out on their own, disconnected and erased me and moved on in life. That's what people do. Relationships are transactional and once a decision is made to move on, transaction concluded and that's it. Done. No comment, no explanation, that's it. After awhile one gets used to it, in general.

[treehugger12]

Yes...I think midlife crisis + hormones are a major part of this. I have been able to separate the lust part from the love part successfully for the most part. It has been since his transfer that I have gone into the delusional "love" thing with him. I feel my brain has been hijacked. I know the best solution is to quit my job and never to see the OM again.

 

Having said that.. My husband is currently unemployed and it will take some time for me to find a comparable position with the flexibility I have somewhere else. I also know that the OM is somewhat incidental to the underlying issues related to midlife and other things. I know that if I don't get to the root of this there can be another man who will act on the attraction to my detriment.

 

It's hard to explain, but it is almost like I am observing myself in a movie. I know what needs to happen and I am not acting on it. The good news is that we have never talked or met outside work hours.Like I said, he is deeply respectful of his marriage. I am the crazy one with these feelings. I am the one with a child (he doesn't have any). I hope this new position will keep him away and due to my increased workload with him leaving I will be too busy to make contact with him.

 

As to my husband...he is a very good man, but I know that there are some underlying issues between us that need to be addressed. I love him, but I am not "in love" with him (which I know is a stupid barometer in a long-term relationship!. However I think that it is hard to gauge what is real in this fog of hormones and middle age.

 

I have been dealing with some of the same issues as you in your marriage. It makes things so much more complicated when your crushing on another man. As I mentioned earlier, I was crushing hard on my coworker, he worked his way into my head and we had a short fling, then a whirlwind of emotions filled my brain and I got into an intense fog that I would not wish upon anybody. We said to each we wouldn’t let it happen again but knowing I had to let go was extremly hard, it’s taken a long time to get over and I think I’m almost there, it was like a drug addiction and I’ve never once been addicted to anything. Try to keep your distance from him and don’t go down the road I did because it will make things so much more complicated, the anxiety is horrible.

[BluesPower]

I have been dealing with some of the same issues as you in your marriage. It makes things so much more complicated when your crushing on another man. As I mentioned earlier, I was crushing hard on my coworker, he worked his way into my head and we had a short fling, then a whirlwind of emotions filled my brain and I got into an intense fog that I would not wish upon anybody. We said to each we wouldn’t let it happen again but knowing I had to let go was extremly hard, it’s taken a long time to get over and I think I’m almost there, it was like a drug addiction and I’ve never once been addicted to anything. Try to keep your distance from him and don’t go down the road I did because it will make things so much more complicated, the anxiety is horrible.

 

This is really good here...

 

You see OP, you have been given really good advice throughout this entire thread.

 

But the post above is really on point. And what it is warning you about is this:

 

If you let this fantasy into your head, you are setting yourself up for so much pain an anguish that you really cannot imagine how bad it will be.

 

So let's say the you don't get physical at all with this guy, what about the next one, I mean you deserve to be happy, have exciting "love" in your life, right?

 

I mean your husband is a good guy, but you are not "IN LOVE" with him, right? You deserve a little strange once in a while, and sex with your husband is not all that great or really very acceptable, right?

 

You see, you are doing what everyone that starts down this path does, and it leads to a path of nothing but pain.

 

You either need to put this energy into your marriage, or file for divorce...

[Jack Be Nimble]

Being a husband on the other end of my wife having an intense emotional long distance affair, my advice would be to talk to your husband - truly talk to him!! It will be difficult, painful and likely quite unpleasant. BUT, once its in the open, it can be worked through one way or the other. Hiding it doesn't bode well for long term happiness for either of you. I would have appreciated understanding what was going on much much sooner. Life happens; its how we deal with it that truly allows us to understand ourselves and our spouse.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Listen to Midnight... this lady knows what she is talking about.

 

How are you doing girl...

 

Thanks Blues. I am good. My problems are normal, ordinary problems. The weather is crappy, the dog ate my shoes, type of problems. Looking backwards, it's clear to me I had a sort of mental break/midlife crisis? I can't really explain it but I don't recognize that person I was from 2015-2017...but I can recognize it in other people, both here and in my life. Unfortunately though, it's one of those things people can't "see" in themselves and have to just go through. You do come out the other end but you are never the old person again, you are someone different. It is nice though to just "be" and not be upset All The Time. I will never go back to that time.

 

I hope you are well!