What do I do?

[sophomoregirl]

Hi! I've been seeing a guy for about 9 months now. We met on Tinder and from there have regularly been going on dates, studying, and hanging out together ever since. We're both upcoming seniors in college. He told me he loved me three months in of seeing each other, and before that had introduced me to his family. He has talked about and introduced me to his friends. He calls me his girl/girlfriend, my love, and will say I miss you. I'm waiting for marriage to have sex (he doesn't feel that way but respects my decision), but I got too carried away and we ended up having sex before he left for study abroad. I found out that pretty soon after being in another country, he updated the wording on his profile a bit and had been active. He has said the words in the past, "We're dating" and "I would hope we have a relationship." I wonder if he thinks it's okay for him to do so because I haven't introduced him to my family as my family is very strict about dating? I worry about not being able to trust him and feel the need to constantly watch if things got more serious. I haven't asked him why he changed the wording on his profile. I have only gone on to Tinder to check if he has been active. He just left on Friday to leave for four weeks. He'll be back home, and then leaving for the road for one of his extracurriculars for a month. It'll be about two months before we see each other again. I also just left for an internship. We'd basically be back around the same time. I haven't introduced him to my family yet because my parents are very strict and worry that if I date I'll get distracted. I was planning on introducing him when we both got back and to my grandparents. I knew I needed to talk to him about exclusivity. I should've done that much earlier.

So the first thing I did was text him "It has been nine months now. Up to this point, we've only been seeing each other. We had sex, which was really important to me... I don't like the way that things are right now. I don't want to invest more time if we're not on the same page. What's your take? If you want to stay as friends, then I will respect your decision. And I will gladly move on. We can stay as friends, but this time as only friends. Let's keep our boundaries clear. It will only be fair for me that way."

He replied, "Va bene ma (alright then) you shoulda talked about this. If that is the sole reason that you are breaking it off then I don't want to be with you anyways. You didn't talk to me about it. If you're not willing to talk and work through our problems then it is not worth my time anyways."

To which I said, "I didn't intend for us to break things off. I just wanted to know what you were thinking about us, so that we're on the same page. I just wanted to clear things up. I didn't mean for you to take it that way at all."

He then said, ""We can stay as friends, but only friends."? This sounds very much like breaking up. If we're only friends then the relationship is over and we're no longer dating. That is fundamentally what "only friends" is. What you have said is not at all clear because of this and lead me in the wrong direction if you did not want to break up. You were very unclear and confusing."

So I said, "That was not my intention to break up. I just wanted to know how you were feeling. I am not sure where you stand. So that's why I wrote that as a last case scenario. I didn't mean to confuse you, and I'm sorry for that."

He then said we need to not do this over text.

We tried for a time to call each other over the next few days, but the wifi there didn't work very well since he had traveled to Florence.

Yesterday we were able to call each other.

We both were definitely awkward during the call, and I had a couple long pauses just thinking about if what he was saying was true.

The first thing I asked him was where he was at with us, and he said that where we were at right now feels like a good place. I told him I have been confused for a while because it feels like we're dating, but also not at the same time. I asked him if we were dating dating/exclusive, and he referenced back to the end of last semester where he asked me how I would feel being called "mia ragazza" which means his girlfriend. I honestly did not remember that conversation because it was so short until he brought it up today. He said that he remembers me looking unsure for a second and then saying it was okay. He said that was enough confirmation for him. So I guess all of this time we have actually been boyfriend and girlfriend. He said that he would not have told me he loved me, unless it was assumed that we were exclusive. He said that if having sex really bothers me, we don't have to do it. I asked him if he was seeing or sleeping with anyone else. He said no to both. I told him that if he were that he tell me because I'd rather know than be blindsighted. I then paused for a while and asked him "Do you use Tinder?" And he said no first. Then he added, "When my roommates and I got to Italy they wanted to know what it was like using Tinder in Italy. So I brought up my account and it turned out that there was nothing to see because the closest matches would be like 50 miles away." He could tell that I didn't believe him because I paused and then he added that if I want, he can send me a screenshot of his last conversation on Tinder. So he took a screenshot and sent it to me while on the phone. He said that the reason why his profile has still been up is because it has dates and times of our conversation on Tinder. That doesn't make sense to me because he could've just screenshotted it. He asked me if the travel thing was an issue and if I was worried he was going to do something. He said if it makes me feel better he can take down his profile. He asked me if I saw something on Tinder specifically. I just told him that talking about Tinder was making me have questions. I told him that my insecurities were killing me right now before he offered again to send m​​​​​e the screenshot. At the end of our conversation he asked me if I felt better and I said yes. I then went to take down my profile and saw that his location had changed. Everytime he opens the app it updates his location, so the first time I saw his location change was before I left for my internship and it was 4,000 something miles away. Hadn't checked his profile again until yesterday after we had our talk and saw 5,000 something miles. He was home when we talked. He doesn't know that I know he changed location and wording on his profile. I think it'd be weird for me to mention that now, unless I wait for two weeks or more.

 

I just remembered something. When I had met one of his best friends this semester, the first thing his best friend said was something like "You guys have been seeing each other since last semester, right?" To which my boyfriend shrugged. The meaning of his best friend asking was because he was thinking that we had been seeing each other for a while, so why are we not official. His best friend said that "He's a pretty solid and standup guy. He speaks very highly of you. You should go for him" basically.

So this doesn't make sense.

[sophomoregirl]

content://media/external/file/110414

 

This is the screenshot he sent me trying to prove the last person he talked to was me.

[smackie9]

Were you not advised in March to drop this guy and you agreed you should move on? I don't think the advice is going to be different here.

[sophomoregirl]

Oh, this is a different guy from before! Sorry, I should've wrote that in. Thank you for taking the time to read through my post and give me your input!

[fredflint]

This guy is bad news. He is pretending he will commit to you (make you his exclusive girlfriend) but all the signs are that you cannot trust him and he will not be faithful to you. Trust your gut instinct. It is protecting you and telling you to stay away. Your gut instinct is right about him. This is very common situation, unfortunately. He wants to keep you AND his options open. He is a coward for not being upfront about that.

 

If you were my daughter I would advise you to dump him as fast as you can, this will only lead to more pain for you. And the longer you keep him in your life the worse it will be for you. He doesn't give you a straight answer to your "what are we" conversation. He updates his profile after making you his "girlfriend". It's as clear as day to me this guy is the worst kind of fraud. He's a lying scumbag and you should act to protect your heart.

[preraph]

I am not so quick to totally distrust him. I will say, though, that with men, who are so visual, it is very often "out of sight, out of mind." However, this man has waited and been with you without having sex for months. Only thing is, now he has had sex with you, he might be kind of over the chase. No way to know for sure. There are guys who will stay right with you until you give in and then move to the next new conquest.

 

I like that his friend recommended him as a stand-up guy and has spoken well of you. Unless his friends seem untrustworthy, I think that is worth something. I mean, even if I was friends with someone, I wouldn't just lie and tell someone kind of young and innocent they were reliable if they weren't.

 

There is absolutely no way you can know if he chases women over there or not. It sounds like you are both young. If he is going to chase women and get it out of his system, probably best for him to do it now and not right under your nose. Young people need to do a bit of exploring.

 

Since you save yourself, it's not like you want to just go out and start seeing guys randomly, so you may as well kind of hang in there and see if there's any more developments.

 

If you had started the conversation with the thing that prompted the doubts, you would have gotten to the heart of the matter much quicker than asking vague questions like you did. Just ask him to explain if something like that happens again. Of course, if he wants to see women, he doesn't need to find them online. So even if you lived together, if he wanted to cheat, he would have ample opportunity to. So you have to just leave the door open but then see how they'll do without you monitoring them under a microscope.

 

If I were you, I'd tell him the Tinder thing threw you and also ask him, Hey, I noticed it says you're further away than it did before." I don't see why he'd hide where he went. It may just be a computer technology thing. I'd agree to wait for him and just chill. Go out with friends, have some fun of your own. Don't just sit around, but don't date guys since I assume you being apart won't last more than 3 months. Then see if he comes right back to you or if at the end of that time, he seems less interested and more distracted. He introduced you to his parents. If he comes back to you, you should introduce him to yours if all is going well, but not if he seems off.

 

Just be patient. He's young. It may be 10 years before he's ready to settle down, you never know. But see how it goes and don't overreact. Good luck. Enjoy your time on your own. Don't waste this time of your youth fretting over any man. Always keep busy and social no matter what.

[smackie9]

OK so you go from one crappy BF to another....I think your picker is off. Don't settle because you want someone in your life....make yourself and your expectations priority one. If they don't meet those expectations, stop wasting your time and move on. Choose more wisely.

[usa1ah]

Here is my 5 cents.

 

He knew you wanted to wait until marriage.

 

He said he respected that and was ok with it.

 

Then why did he disrespect you and go all the way.

 

My wife wanted the same thing as you, to wait until her wedding night. Yes making out got intense at times but I never pushed for more, even when we both would have gone further. We dated for 2 1/2 years before we got married. Well worth the wait.

 

On top of this this first reaction to you having concerns is to break up with you, really. Your bf has no respect for you nor is he in love with you. Break it off and find someone that will actually love and respect you.

Edited June 2, 2018 by usa1ah

[sophomoregirl]

Thank you all very much for taking the time to give me your insight, your advice, support, and words of wisdom. Really. I appreciate it a lot. Everything that you have said has helped open up my eyes. @preraph thank you for taking the time to detail the frame of mind and next steps I should take. You're right. I should always keep busy and social, as well as not fret over any man at this time