Is this projection? This is so crazy making

[Mikasut]

When I broke up with my ex, she told that I am a person who does not care anybody but himself. I have taken deep look into myself to see if this is true or not. I understand that I, like everybody else, am selfish at times. However, I have never been accused of being "a person who only cares about himself". Instead of that, I used to be a people pleaser. And, I have always been the one who take too much responsibility of others. When I was a child, I had to take care of my little sisters because my mother was drinking. So that´s how I learned. Therefore, this accusation does not make any sense to me. Still, I can not decide; is this true, or is this projection? I had a feeling that I was putting much more effort to the relationship than my partner. It was a long distance relationship and I was the only one who was ready to travel to other continent. The way how I see things is that it was her way or no way. And she kept blaming me for "doing what I want".

 

I have an example: I was supposed to go to visit her in last jan or feb. Out of sudden, she just told me that she has to work all that time. I told her that I will travel somewhere else first and come to see her later. She accused me of wanting to go somewhere warm (she knew I hate winter, and what she probably tried to say is that being in somewhere warm is more important than spending time with her).

 

In the next day, I asked her if she can talk with her boss. I was proposing a compromise that I could go travelling 1,5 month later than I originally planned if she can compromise with her work. She got angry (I have no idea why, can somebody explain please?) and accused me of not wanting to see her at all. I have to say that she was not ready to compromise at all. Instead she was blaming me and playing the victim to get her way. Well, she told me once that she is spoiled, so maybe I should not be so suprised.

 

After we broke up, I sent her couple of apologies for my own mistakes. I admit that I did not respect her in a way she deserves to be respected, and I did not love her in a way she deserves to be loved. I know that I am manipulative at times too, and I do not always treat other people as good as they should be treated.I also project my own fear of being abandoned to others, and I know it is unfair and I do everything in my power to change that habit. Still, I always try to find a way to make other people happy without having to sacrifice my own needs (or in this case, my travelling plans)completely. I left, because I thought that if I want to be with her I have to become her slave, and I thought she is probably leaving me anyways because she got angry so easily and did not want to share her innermost feelings with me. She replied to my apologies in very hostile manner. She was very, very bitter. She never took any responsibility of her own mistakes in the relationship. Instead of that she was blaming me of everything.

 

Still, after months, I am stuck because I cant put the story together about what really happened. Was it all in my head? Was I projecting my own fear of being abandoned to her and gave false accusations of her becoming distant?

I know there are some evidence that she actually was becoming more distant

like anger, unwillingness to share her innermost feelings with me (connecting) and the fact that she actually admitted that once and told me she is sorry only to be extremely annoyed about it couple of hours later (for this reason I do not count it as an apology).

 

I just dont understand, because when I was visiting her she wanted to spend all her free time with me. Now, out of sudden I was like her enemy. Maybe you guys can help me to put this together so I can move on?

Edited May 28, 2018 by Mikasut

[Chilli]

How old is she ?

she sounds like a10 yr old , and a brat at that.

Somehow people like that find ways of making you think everything's your fault and twisting things around in to guilt tripping you, hell you don't even have to be there, it's still your fault.

The sun comes up , it's your fault. Everything's about her.

 

Sorry to say but l think she did you a favor.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Chilli

[Mikasut]

She is 27. Even my apologies were selfish for her. According to her I only wanted to feel better of myself. Of course its true, but thats only one side of the coin. In the world where I live apologizing means that you validate the feelings of hurt person and take responsibility of your mistakes, so both parties can feel better of themselves.Maybe I had a hidden agenda that we could maybe talk about things both of us could have done better. For her the concept "we" seems to be completely unfamiliar. It is very difficult to love somebody with self esteem issues because they project that core belief on you and interpret your actions and intentions as unloving and bad, or completely selfish. Pffff...

[preraph]

Though you may be more flexible, I think you're both set in your ways. You are used to a parental role already, having had to be the man of the family due to your circumstances. She sounds used to getting her way, for whatever reason, and admitted it. You simply may not be compatible. Both people have to give some.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think I'll ever understand dating someone from another continent.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think I'll ever understand dating someone from another continent.

 

It's so you can fall in love online and live happily ever after ...

 

Mr. Lucky