How to be better at picking the dates?

[Lorenza]

Gah, I'm so bad at picking out the guys to go on date with. I constantly end up with the ones I'd never ever go on date 2 with. Not that they're bad people. But so not my type! Each year I'm less and less into chatting and I try to meet guys irl instead, but seems like I'm not choosing wisely at all.

I always end up with someone I find either unattractive or totally uninteresting. Or both. Or attractive and interesting but 0 chemistry.

 

How to pick out suitable dates without chatting too much? (or as little as possible). Call? (I hate it). Facetime? (maybe too awkward) Ask some key questions?

Is it rude suggesting short dates in advance? Like < 1h dates?

I always get stuck with people I don't want to spend time with, but I don't want to hurt their feelings by leaving too soon.

 

I'm really bad at this, just realized it :/

[smackie9]

That's why we date. To find out if they are suitable. You just haven't met Mr. Right yet. You have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one.

 

 

 

 

Most people do a coffee date...45mins tops. Not rude to suggest it.

 

 

Honesty is the best policy, just word it nicely and wish them all the best. If they get butt hurt over it, that's their problem.

Edited May 28, 2018 by smackie9

[coolheadal]

Gah, I'm so bad at picking out the guys to go on date with. I constantly end up with the ones I'd never ever go on date 2 with. Not that they're bad people. But so not my type! Each year I'm less and less into chatting and I try to meet guys irl instead, but seems like I'm not choosing wisely at all.

I always end up with someone I find either unattractive or totally uninteresting. Or both. Or attractive and interesting but 0 chemistry.

 

How to pick out suitable dates without chatting too much? (or as little as possible). Call? (I hate it). Facetime? (maybe too awkward) Ask some key questions?

Is it rude suggesting short dates in advance? Like < 1h dates?

I always get stuck with people I don't want to spend time with, but I don't want to hurt their feelings by leaving too soon.

 

I'm really bad at this, just realized it :/

 

Put on the brakes... Your all over the place with these thoughts of of the best guy to date. Write down what you want in a man, then start looking and questioning before you even set a foot out the door on any date. Wasting time and your life on the wrong guy. Find a friend first then work it up into a relationship and then go from there. Not saying looking for the right guy to married and keep your family at bay. You need to pick the right one and stop with these that turn out to be the worst ones for you.

 

Sometimes the best looking men might not be the right choice for you because you really don't know how they think or are they on the same page as you.

 

Average joe might be on the same page as you but you might not think they're good looking enough for you.

 

Plain ones those you might not even be interested in for all sorts of reasons. Giving anyone a chance might sound good on paper but if they are not what you seek you just wasting your life.

 

I am very picky to who I date and want to be with it's my right to be that way. I know what I want and what I would put up with too. I've learned no one is really perfect everyone has some sort of fault or just something that you really can't stand that they do daily routine. Anyone at work has ever caught your eye? Sometimes they who you work with daily might be a better catch then those you seek online, etc.. That's what I did but I've also switch my mind off the rules of the trade and allow the woman to have free will.. Meaning she might do things I can't stand but let her make her changes her way. I do what I please too. Just maybe in the end things can just smooth out for the best. We all have other ideas here on LS but I've been at for such a long time I am at the point in my life to slow down and just be happy with the one I am with.

[Gaeta]

I have never chatted for long with my dates. Maybe that's why I collected 200 meets lol.

 

 

 

I would check the basic

* single how long

* what they're looking for online

 

 

If both answers suited me I'd meet them for coffee in the same week. I said it often on here. I gave my phone number to my bf on our very first contact online. We had chatted no more than 5 minutes.

 

 

 

Also the first meet is not a 'date' it's a short meeting.

[Romantic_Antics]

I'm a magnet for married women and women with more baggage than an airport so I can relate to your frustration. At 41 years of age my dating pool is pretty polluted and I frequently end up rolling the dice on the wrong person as well.

 

I can tell you though that those phone calls you hate so much are a necessary step in establishing whether or not you have chemistry with somebody before committing to a date. Try to get more comfortable with them and you'll have less duds on date night.

[Lorenza]

One more uninspiring date, lol. It was like hanging out with a colleague that I don't really want to hang out with. And once again, my manners made me spend a decent amount of time with him despite the lack of any spark whatsoever...

[Mentor99]

Yes, dating is a skill, and isn't really something that comes "naturally" to most - especially online dating. You can learn from your mistakes, but often people get into a cycle and keep making the same mistakes over and over. Here are the steps made it work for me (I'm now in a long term relationship with someone I love very much who I met from an online dating site).

 

1. Know what type of relationship you're looking for. It can range from marriage and babies to a one night stand and everything in between. If you have a clear idea what type of relationship you want, it makes dating easier. The kind of guy you might want to date for casual sex is likely going to be very different from the kind of guy you want to build a life with long term.

 

2. Put yourself out there. Once you know what type of relationship you want, let people know. Put it on your online dating profiles, tell your friends, tell your family etc.

 

3. Date. A lot, but efficiently. You don't want to waste time or emotional energy, but you need to date a lot of people to find a good match, especially if you're looking for an emotionally healthy long term relationship. Good matches are rare. If you have reasonable expectations (i.e. understanding that most dates won't be a good match), it can keep you emotionally on track so you don't get disappointed every time a date doesn't work out (most won't). It's all about the right mindset.

 

4. The power of 3s. If you want to stay on a first date for 3 hours (or more), that's a good sign. If you date someone for 3 times and still want to see them again, that's a good sign. Once you've been seeing someone for 3 months, then you can start becoming emotionally invested and start thinking about the possibility of long term. This save a lot of emotional investment early which keeps you energized to keep dating when / if it doesn't work out.

 

5. Multidate. This can be a really tough one, especially for people where it doesn't come naturally. Again the goal is to not get too emotionally invested in the early stages of dating, and multidating can really help stay balanced. Plus, as most dates won't work out, it's more efficient. You really have no idea what that other person is like for quite some time (months I'd say) so to get too invested early doesn't make much sense, and it's also what tends to lead to dating burn out (as well as sadness, frustration, anger, etc.). And I'd really just say multidating for the early stages - once you've gotten past the 3 dates mark, and want to see how things go with exclusivity, then by all means stop multidating at that point.

 

This is basically what worked for me. I dated approximately 10 different women in the span of a month and a half, most being "one and dones", with a few going 2 or 3 dates, and finally my current girlfriend (soon to be wife) who I've been with for 2 years and going strong...

[Chilli]

One more uninspiring date, lol. It was like hanging out with a colleague that I don't really want to hang out with. And once again, my manners made me spend a decent amount of time with him despite the lack of any spark whatsoever...

 

 

Like most people seem to do here , you just go out with anyone, or all you see is attractiveness,

Look for the person. When you like or love the look of the person , you can feel it, only then do you take it further.

But of course you will only go out with one or two people in a year , if your lucky .

Because that's about how often the only people you should even be bothering with anyway, pop up .

Probably even less.

[d0nnivain]

If you are meeting these men through OLD, make sure you like the picture. Do have at least 1 telephone conversation to make sure communication is flowing; they can hold up their end of a conversation. Dating is a weeding out process & step 3 is going on the date. Perhaps arrange shorter 1st meets -- a 1/2 hour window to grab a drink or coffee so you waste less time on men with whom you see no potential.

[smackie9]

Ya I agree a 5 min phone call would be a good first step or some face time so you can get a feel for that person. less time wasted.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had the same issue and that's why I stopped OLD. So many dud dates. Like I can tell within first 10 minutes that the conversation is boring and strained and I inwardly thing oh no, I have to stick around for at least an hour. The more quiet I get, the more the guy just fires questions at me, boring questions like "where are you from" "how many brothers and sisters you have" and I feel myself laboring through.

 

 

 

It always ends up being 2 hours because I am too polite to leave. Once it's over, I always feel so exhausted, like I have been hit by a truck

[carhill]

IMO, focus on the socializing part in the early dates. Back in the day I recall having to let go of qualifying people and getting more into having a good time and, if the synergy was flowing, continue it. If not, let it go. If anything, back then I should have been more particular since men took women 'out' and doing so ate up a fair amount of my work product. Still, I felt the socializing was worth it, if only to hone picking skills and social repartee.

 

Met hundreds of women, maybe thousands, dated dozens, had a few relationships and married one in the 25 years or so after becoming an adult and getting married in my 40's. No real regrets. Sure, an accountant likely wouldn't like the sunk costs with little ROI but relationships aren't accounting exercises.

 

Keep at it. Learn. It'll work out.

[Sbla22]

As a woman no idea how you whittle it down to potentials. Online even an average looking woman basically chooses from 100 men or so - probably gets it down to at least 30 or more potential dates in a month! Then I guess you just have to be quite cut throat with who you see again.

 

As a male (I'm 26) I have been OLD on and off for 3 years now. Multi-dating doesn't come round too often. Usually what happens is I'll match with 40 women a month if that. First date potentials a month is less than 10, sometimes 5 or less. I think in the last 6 months I am better at choosing who to actually go on a first date with. I was thinking of how expensive it is for me. A first date, just drinks will cost me 40 pounds (I'm English) if not more so now I will only go on a first date with someone if the following criteria is met:

 

. I find their photos attractive (nice smile, friendly looking, not over-weight, not covered in tatoos, not all pouting bathroom/gym pictures)

 

. They show enthusiasm when initially messaging me. I used to battle to get a bone thrown to me by many. I'd send genuine enthusiastic, inquisitive messages to get minimal responses and no questions asked back of me. Now if this happens in the first few exchanges I just stop talking to them there and then.

 

.In the initial online exchange I always find out about their interests. They have to be well read, have some sort of hobbies. 'Going out drinking with the girls' isn't my idea of an interesting person.

 

.They show some similar interests e.g they like some of the same tv shows I do. They can talk about books I have read etc

 

.They have a good job or at least working towards one/studying something like Law.

 

.They understand grammar. Any poor grammar in the first few messages is game over now for me.

 

.They don't act strangely/reluctant to give me their number after enough Online exchanges have taken place.

 

.They don't give a flaky, non commited response when asking for the first date e.g. 'I might be able to do next week, will have to check.' Straight away that's low interest. No point.

 

.Once a date is set up they don't bombard me with texts - quite a few have done this and I ended up cancelling the date as they revealed something off putting about them!

 

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It's surprising how few women actually do all those things right. Hence why OLD frustrates me - the women that do all these basic things very rarely match with me and probably match mostly with guys who do the male equivelants!

[Lorenza]

I realized that the guys I pick aren't the problem. I've met some interesting guys recently and none of them could live up to my expectations (and I'm not even sure what those are anymore). At this point it feels like I'm never going to like a guy again. I've been on so many dates - already 15 this year, and nobody seems to wake my interest even a little bit.

[preraph]

I think if you were up front and said "Let's just met for an hour over coffee" since we don't know each other well, most guys would be fine with that (unless they're hoping to score on the first date, in which case, this filters them out).

 

You need to expand your hobbies and interests and meet someone with similar interests.