Its always from the same script, isn't it?

[flubberghaster]

Well, my previous post says it all about my current 5/6 year relationship with my partner. But for 2 of those, I've been enamoured with a married man, and its coming to a head. This has gotten so bad I've been a shivering, crying mess with a loaded gun in my mouth. I went to "therapy" and was prescribed Valium. I weaned off it. This was roughly 6 months ago.

 

I've been okay since, but only because MM and my relationship was good. Its starting to plummet again and I can feel the same pressures. I guess I just need to talk about it openly here.

 

2 years together. He met me after his firstborn was around 2 months old. I live on the opposite side of the world to him, but I've visited him in the USA 3 times since. The first time was in March. We had a fight, he went home and got his wife pregnant. And that's how their second kid was conceived. The second time was November, a month before his second kid was born. The last time was early this month - we met up half way.

 

I'm 26. He's 38. They've been together for 10 years. We had unprotected sex while we were mid-way, a lot of it. Then he left to go home, and I've never felt so alone crying in a tiny airport as he drove away.

 

I flew home a few days later. I sent him this. Obviously I have redacted names.

 

Standard long message on the airplane tradition incoming. I’m 3.4 hours away from landing in x (and I will be staying there tonight, flying home tomorrow) - I’ve spent nearly 6 hours chewing over... everything. To give you some clarity and shine some light in areas you may not be privy to - likely from my own, unintentional, vagueness on them.

 

Firstly, the frustrations with (wife). I would love you to understand the feelings in me are like a liquid sealed box which has sprung some leaks through pressure. The steps to get to this leak created anger, frustration and jealousy - things I think, and hope, you feel I’ve quelled more or less for some time now. I couldn’t redirect those things to you - I’m not angry at you. I can’t be angry at the situation - it doesn’t respond. It gives no back and forth. The venom felt directed at her - unjustly - was just an easy place to put it. Two years of jealous, seething feelings. The woman who has - had - the exact things I would love to build with you. It was unfair and unkind to expose you to it and put you in a position to defend her relation to you. She will always be the mother of your children and that means I can’t play anything but nice. I am sorry that was put firmly on your shoulders.

 

I am not, however, sorry to alert you that some delicacy and understanding is required in this situation. Which leads me to the discussion on how I feel about having children, and the situation with the morning after pill.

 

Much like everything, I tried to be nonchalant about it, but simply couldn’t. The leaks sprung from trying to protect you from the negative feelings lest you left. I was very wrong for not planning ahead, but frankly, so were you. We were wrong. That said after two years - nearly 3 - back and forthing with you most every day, and feeling incredibly close to you, primally it felt like the “next step” while I was in the glow of love and passion, intimacy, humour, closeness, sex. Exactly how nature insists children should be created. By your side it felt like the puzzle pieces fit and logical thought did not play into it. We felt like a couple. I didn’t feel a lingering of “he’s married” - And the inevitable risk of sex felt pleasurable and exciting and hopeful. It’s taken days for me to put it into words because they weren’t thoughts - just feelings.

 

For a thought exercise, please compare this to a careful life with (boyfriend). 6 years and I haven’t considered marriage with him, sex was carefully protected to the degree of painful surgery and external contraception to prevent pregnancy, the idea of children with him spun me into a loop of fear of the entire process from forced conception to birth and raising a child with him. The sex isn’t a passionate freight train of pleasure. In 6 years we have taken less than 5 photos together and our social media is almost entirely separate. He has some friends that don’t even know I exist. Or my last name. I feel no sense of pride in standing by him. Or what we have made together. Can you see the stark contrast?

 

It bothers me that you held on so tightly to the “I don’t want kids” thing. Once. It was mentioned once. The subtext is “with (boyfriend).” My beautiful house and careful - thoroughly adult - decoration is quite frankly a place to store meaning. I look at a clean home and well stacked shelves and expensive things as some degree of success - meaning - but when something happens like that toddler crawling over my legs at the airport and gurgling at me through a giggle, or helping (friends child) learn to speak a little better, or watching the wonder on their faces as I help them with some artwork blows it out of the water for warmth on the soul.

 

You say (wife) and I are different people - we illicit different responses. Life with (boyfriend) is the same - he insists I am withdrawn, quiet, routine orientated, humourless, spiritless and focused on money, home and “whatever it is” that keeps me out of his hair while he’s at work. Do you think that ignites a fire of passion, desire and forward thinking for a relationship, or do you think it creates a guarded shrew?

 

The woman you created in me feels like coming home. Comfortable, happy, forward thinking and soaking in that warm, soulful meaning. This woman finds meaning in smaller things than a custom built house, or a meticulously set dining table. She wants children and marriage and a relationship with her man and God and the people entwined in their lives. She values education, and growth - because she is certain the main she loves encourages and enjoys it too.

 

Then suddenly, it’s cold. Your side is gone. Your warmth is gone. Reality sets in that you have gone home. We are not a family. I’ve been feeling off colour, something is irritating at the back of my mind. I’ve been texting you. You can feel there’s something up. I get out of the Uber, it’s raining, I’m cold. The panic sets in. I see a pharmacy. I realise that though it’s a medium-low risk, it’s still a risk. It’s no longer a thing of natural progression and love and excitement to build something more - the warm colours have drained and I’m in a tropical rainstorm in front of a pharmacy remembering everyone in my life who have experienced “medium-low risk” - and these people were already married. I’m pacing. I call you. It rings out. I swallow and walk in, remembering my first time where he simply shrugged and said “you deal with it. It’s your body.” (See why I flinched at that comment last night?) remembering walking into the air conditioned room - mere days after my 16th birthday (déjà vu much?) - and being questioned by the obviously disappointed male pharmacist. This time the lady just looked at me sadly and gave me what I asked for. I sat outside, took it dry, and walked home in the rain. I had to sleep in a bed that smelled like you.

 

I woke up engulfed by a sense of mourning. You leaving. What I had done. Guilt for not asking first. Jealousy that another woman had twice garnered this from you. Despite nothing being real yet - for a woman who has wanted kids her whole life, when the chance came with someone she is completely in love with and been involved with for years... but valued his reputation more... to follow through was agonising. For you reality slowly trickled back in until you opened the door and work, kids, and wife needed you. For me it was a cold slap on a rainy night in (island city) the day after.

 

An added layer was the memories of “I want to marry you, I want to create a home with you” - killing off that dream alone felt like an awful punishment. It felt like losing you gradual steps at a time.

 

The mourning lingers. My soul is crying out for any comfort. I can’t find any. The physical effects are hard to deal with alone - bleeding. In a true sense of awful. Nausea. Stomach cramps. Inability to eat. Being unable to get comfortable because of you sleep through more than one hour, you will ruin the bedsheets - there is that much blood. Which aren’t yours and would be awful to need to explain.

 

Physical effects, memory, painful loss of man and hope, the drop of feeling like family to feeling like a mistress, aloneness. It all boiled up. I am sorry I snapped at you and how I handled it but I am not sorry for explaining it to you. I will be dealing with the fallout long after you have accepted the situation, and that is how I feel so alone in it. I don’t know what I require from you to make it better other than please, understand the gravity and weight of what I’m going through physically and emotionally and be kind. Like you are. Please don’t leave it to chance, or sweep it under the rug. Engulf me in your warmth and love and let me know I didn’t ruin it by being careless, nor did I ruin it by explaining my position to you. More conversation is better than less on it, it soothes the physical and the emotional simultaneously.

 

I was struck when you awoke from your nightmares with nothing more than a desire to calm you, and allow you to believe it was all okay. To give you space to express the loss and grief and acknowledge the flood of love that came back to you once it was realised everything is okay, and that’s not the path chosen for you nor your kin. How did it morph in my head and affect me? A sense of unease that I was doing the wrong thing by being held in your arms. It took hours the next day to shake it off. This isn’t a bode for sympathy.

 

I do not want to imagine you as a man who isn’t a father. Around the man I see, and love... there are boundaries. Rules, as you put them. Things I cannot cross safely nor do I feel invited into. These things include: asking you to fill the gaps in the moments of reconnection between you and (wife), being involved at all in your friendships, your family - extended or otherwise - including your children. You have aptly noticed I avoid connection between us on social media even though I _long_ for it. My rules sound a little like this:

 

- thou shan’t contact, investigate, or show any interest in (wife).

- thou shan’t cross the line to bond, or create any ties with your children unless that door is firmly open.

- thou shan’t create any risk for your reputation by showing closeness on social media.

 

I did not know you weren’t aware that the reason I avoid the topic of your children is two fold - there is a rule/boundary there, and on some level it feels that if you are happy with how things are going there... you won’t call me home. It is NOT because I am not interested, or because I want to keep you as a fatherless fantasy. You are a father of two. I talk to (friend) all the time about her kids. Please also note that it is a complicated time. (friend) is trying for a child with her partner of 6 years. (friend) is pregnant with one. You have two. And here I am taking a morning after pill to protect the man I loves reputation and stature despite wanting his baby more than I care to admit. I know you want to simplify and be blunt and honest with me in text and conversation, but some delicacy and respect for my current environment and experience is required.

 

How do we fix that? I need you to hold that door wide open, if that is what you want. Understand that if you want me to know your children and the woman you chose to make them with... it is a slow, respectful process and it would give me a clear understanding of where you want to fit me into your life.

 

Overall, you already know. You could break my heart a million times and I still want nothing more than to be held in your arms. I am not proud of how I handled this, but you need to know that nothing you could have done would make this easier. I want you, I can’t have you right now. That is inherently painful. You cannot beat yourself up - it couldn’t have been a better experience being by your side. Leaving it is the problem.

 

Some things I need from you if you want to progress, is presence, time calmness, emotion and back and forth conversation. A little delicacy. Would I love you to get on a plane? Yes. But I understand your lot right now. The next best thing is helping me feel like you are here because you want to create something together, not because I have a gun to your head or you think I’m manipulating you. Continue being positive even when I cannot. Be my rock in this emotional mudslide I need to go through. Be honest with me. And if you _want_ it, some future planning would be incredibly comforting. If it’s truthful. That is how you can help me.

 

I love you. Thankyou for everything.

 

since then, the feelings of his screwing me over have gotten deeper. One of his friends approached me, not knowing of the affair, and we started talking. She went on and on about them being a wonderful couple - funny from a man who insists he is divorcing. From the man who insists he's flying to another town next week to "look at apartments for us" and "hopefully accept this job offer."

 

I ended up in the hospital from dehydration and anaemia (from the bleeding). We have an 8 hour time difference. No one knew I was in there. I called him when I was released and told him everything - he cried but was overall stony. Promised he would try harder. Back and forth arguments, conversations, me pouring every ounce of love and advice into him.... until he went into silence over this weekend. American holiday, I hear. Family time. This is the only message I've received from him.

 

Hi (me),

 

This is going to be a bit of a monologue. I’ve been finding small moments to type it all out all day. It’s a reflection of how I feel right now. I won’t be able to actually verbally talk to you about it until your Tuesday night when I’m driving to (other office).

 

I hear you. You want “something” that feels like you’re more to me than some half-bit sidegirl. And you also want to feel like I care. Somewhere in the haze of the last couple weeks that’s been lost. Especially on the weekends.

 

And the way you want that is through more interaction, clear expectations, seeing me have hard choices where I choose you instead of the boys or (wife) or work when you are in need. Being treated like you are in the role I want for you: partner.

 

And in these really hard times where you feel so unwell and unhappy and so tired you just want me there. To pet you and let you know it’ll be fine. You’re facing so much right now. All of that underscored by the boredom and resentment against your job. That’s hard as f---.

 

And what’s happening now isn’t working for you. We text when I can; mostly at work. I call you in the morning; again while I’m at work. I call on your lunch when I do my long drives. And when I have moments I call and talk to you. That’s the whole of it.

 

And in those moments I try to jam pack as much care, love, hope, direction, cheerleading, and intention with the hope that those memories will see you through the times I’m not there. Lately I don’t think it’s doing a good job at all.

 

Right now I feel like every move I make is fighting for some aspect of my future. With you it’s the future of my fulfillment as a male and a romantic partner. At home it’s the fulfillment of my parenting, my role as a father to these two boys, my finances, my whole career, where I will live, and the future of what I will call my family. (new job offer town) is an incredibly huge issue right now and it requires immense focus and dexterity which, frankly, I lack right now.

 

You and I have had a lot of time to talk about us and figure us out. And you’re ready for this. Your heart is set.

 

Everyone over here?? Nowhere close. (child 1) and (child 2) only know they love their father and their mother. (wife) only sees her future plans crumbling around her. And I am slowly gaining my backbone to confidently stand in front of all of you and state what I am going to take from this life. It is because of the time I spend with all of them that they are slowing getting ready as well.

 

That sums it all up right?

 

I can’t give you any more. I need my sleep, consistently, so I can function day to day especially with the boys learning new sleep patterns. I literally give you all the time I can give. And I have less and less energy to navigate conversations constantly at work much less at home. I’ve misspoken and not thought through so many chats with you lately I’m starting to wonder if I’m losing my mind.

 

This might sound cold or without any care but I assure you it’s not. I’m at the end of my rope. I heard you: you’re looking for something deeper. I’m as deep as I can go right now. I’ll keep thinking about it and reading and re-reading your long text but right now I’m at my limits

 

Please let me sleep tonight and get through the rest of this weekend. I know we will think of something. Love solves those problems.

 

I haven't heard from him since, nor have I tried to contact him. Anything I say or do makes it worse. I miss him terribly. I have a pre-planned and booked flight to see him (16 hour flight) in less than 2 weeks. Its all booked, paid for and signed for. Leave is set. I don't know what to do, and all I've been is a quivering, hopeless mess since I left him at the airport. I'm so angry, disappointed, frustrated. I've been sitting on a draft email to his wife. I didn't realise falling for someone could get this bad.

 

Boyfriend and I are in a state. Nothing has moved left, right, up or down. I still only see him for 2 months out of a year - he's at work for the rest of it. We have discussed the terms of separation but neither of us have pulled the trigger. He is likely still seeing side-girls where he works, and I'm obviously still involved with the MM.

Edited May 29, 2018 by flubberghaster
details about relationship, and considering future moves.

[fredflint]

You need more than he can give you. You also have a partner who probably deserves more. You both do. All the signs point to me, that you need to do the difficult thing and break up with MM. Don't write to his wife, just break up with him. Also IMPORTANT - get more help for your suicidal thoughts and depression, because you recognize yourself they are at risk of returning. Be proactive with therapy.

Edited May 29, 2018 by fredflint

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

There's a whole lot of drama going on here. I can't tell if it's because you're a flowery writer or if you're really dramatic. But from what I can gather this man is not leaving his wife.

 

My advice.....end both relationships, fix yourself, and start from scratch.

[flubberghaster]

There's a whole lot of drama going on here. I can't tell if it's because you're a flowery writer or if you're really dramatic. But from what I can gather this man is not leaving his wife.

 

My advice.....end both relationships, fix yourself, and start from scratch.

 

You aren't the first person to mention that - my English 12th grade teacher said the same thing! Helluva drop to go from "I can't wait to do this with you" to "it ain't ever gonna happen...."

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You aren't the first person to mention that - my English 12th grade teacher said the same thing! Helluva drop to go from "I can't wait to do this with you" to "it ain't ever gonna happen...."

 

You're a very good writer .

 

Yes that is a helluva drop, but I think it's pretty typical when given any kind of ultimatum. He was telling you what you wanted to hear until he had to prove it. Divorce is messy and EXPENSIVE. (Not just the divorce, but maintaining separate households).

[flubberghaster]

You're a very good writer .

 

Yes that is a helluva drop, but I think it's pretty typical when given any kind of ultimatum. He was telling you what you wanted to hear until he had to prove it. Divorce is messy and EXPENSIVE. (Not just the divorce, but maintaining separate households).

 

Sweet of you! Not something I ever wanted to pursue. Or tried to.

 

I can see the negatives, but man.. this can't be my life here. It looks so good on the outside, but its awful living with someone you can't respect. "attraction is non-negotiable" as they say. Just don't know why this guy would have hung onto this for so long, even flying 6 hours to meet me mid-way over 2 days... for nothing.

 

Torn between blowing his life up and begging him to stay. Wish my mind would casually offer "or just say thankyou, walk away and leave him alone!"

[jah526]

Sweet of you! Not something I ever wanted to pursue. Or tried to.

 

I can see the negatives, but man.. this can't be my life here. It looks so good on the outside, but its awful living with someone you can't respect. "attraction is non-negotiable" as they say. Just don't know why this guy would have hung onto this for so long, even flying 6 hours to meet me mid-way over 2 days... for nothing.

 

Torn between blowing his life up and begging him to stay. Wish my mind would casually offer "or just say thankyou, walk away and leave him alone!"

 

 

Well, it wasn’t exactly for nothing. He did get sex with a woman who wasn’t his wife. I think a lot of us would be surprised at the lengths men would go to for some extra sex.

 

I think to many of them it doesn’t have to lead to anything or have any meaning. It’s just a chance to have a bit of naughty fun, so why not?

[Marc878]

You'd be suprised at what a MM will do for a fling.

 

Thats all this is.

 

Sorry but you're wasting your time and emotions on a hopium addiction.

[whichwayisup]

Many men can separate love and sex. Sure he may have some feelings for you but he isn't in love, the kind that's long lasting or strong enough to last through the rough times. It's not a healthy love situation either, as you probably know.

 

Maybe it's time to pull the trigger, end the R with your boyfriend once and for all, end the affair and be on your own for a while so you can fix yourself and experience life and grow without having a guy to rely on to make you feel happy and fulfilled.