Author abandoned2018 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 i know a lot of happy and healthy relationships & marriages that started out as affairs - some of them were in longterm relationships, some of them were married with kids. all of them have two things in common: 1. they were discreet 2. the affair did not last longer than 3 years so in my opinion - a respectful affair is discreet and it doesn't take long for APs to make a decision and act on it. thank you, two important points... Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Is it likely, or even remotely reasonable to ask of someone in an A to have a relationship like this? ...Her list would be great for a single guy/single woman; that's exactly the list I'd suggest a woman follow to see if a man is into her. But in an A? As you say, it’s exactly the list a woman should follow to see if a man is into her. So why not? Him being married is *his* problem, not hers. If the MP is willing and able to do so, then by all means engage; if he’s not, walk away. No one should settle for less than they want in _any_ relationship. An A is no different. If you would not accept such treatment from a single man, why accept it from a man just because he is still legally chained to someone else? If he’s serious about wanting a relationship with you, he should be willing and happy to provide you with at least the same level of love, respect, availability etc as a single guy would. If he’s not, why agree? Unless, of course, what you want is not a relationship but a bit of sex on the side - which is fine if that’s what you both want. But if you want something else, and that’s all he’s offering, why accept it? Demand what you want, and if he won’t provide it, find someone else who will. So how exactly is an OM moving mountains if he's not willing to take that step? Treating you with respect but then going home to his wife and sleeping with her/telling her how much she loves her and keeping her in the dark about you? If he’s treating you with respect, he’s definitely not going “home” to BW and saying he loves her, and likely not sleeping with her either (pity sex is pretty gross). If he’s really treating you with respect, he’s not saying “ILY” to anyone else (maybe his kids, his pets, his parents, etc, but no one else in a “romantic” sort of way) and chances are he wouldn’t be able to service the BW sexually either as his heart would be with you. And, moving mountains does sometimes take time. Some countries have laws about how many years you have to be separated before they will issue a divorce. Or there may be issues of timing around the kids, or around a BS’s circumstances (like waiting for them to get a job and become self-supporting before dumping them), or the MP’s circumstances (like applying for a job closer to the AP). If they are doing what they need to make it happen, but things take time, that’s one thing. But if they are doing nothing and hoping something will fall from the sky to magic it all into Happily Ever After, that’s something completely different. Fine if you’re also willing to wait for magic to happen, but most people are not. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 So she was just completely oblivious that her husband was betraying her while you were being paraded around as his partner with his family? “Paraded around” no. I’m not a horse, or any other kind of possession to be shown off. But we were not ashamed of our relationship, so we did not hide it. And because his family and his friends are important parts of his life, he shared those with me, the way I also shared the important parts of my life with him. She chose not to partake in those parts of his life, for her own reasons. She had her own interests which she kept to herself, and so they lived quite separate lives. Sometimes people do just grow apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 one thing that baffles me are couples who already live separately - and choose to stay while the kids reach a certain age. in my experience, those who wait it out - knowing that the environment is damaging the kids more than a divorce would - do so because they don't want to pay for child support. I agree that staying together “for the kids” is more damaging than divorce, but many other people do not. Some people feel that unless spouses yell and scream at each other around the clock, the marriage is still a better place for the kids than the alternative. I would far rather have two happier homes than one home in which my parents were merely tolerating each other “for my sake”, but even on these forums my view seems to be in the minority on that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Author Share Posted June 5, 2018 I agree that staying together “for the kids” is more damaging than divorce, but many other people do not. Some people feel that unless spouses yell and scream at each other around the clock, the marriage is still a better place for the kids than the alternative. I would far rather have two happier homes than one home in which my parents were merely tolerating each other “for my sake”, but even on these forums my view seems to be in the minority on that point. i too share your view on the matter (maybe i am biased) but the MM i am involved with thinks staying for the kids is the best thing to do.honestly i don't know what he expects his kid to watch and learn if he and wife are as "roommates" as he says.... Link to post Share on other sites
Wildcat01 Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 (edited) None of this happened to me. We went shopping, eating locally, I was in his home, we had matching bracelets. He gave me his hoodies. He texted me 24/7. The only issue was money. The wife controlled the money. So he started taking extra cash when he would pay with a debit card. Not noticable amounts, then save it and it was my money for us. But I would rather look at the stars in a field with any man than go to the movies. He rode me on his bike, a Harley at midnight. And went home. He had my panties. What killed us was his jealousy and anger and my anger and our fights. His wife, she it seemed like she gave up and he didn't care of she knew or not. She was oblivious until I told her when he made me mad. Edited June 13, 2018 by Wildcat01 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 i too share your view on the matter (maybe i am biased) but the MM i am involved with thinks staying for the kids is the best thing to do.honestly i don't know what he expects his kid to watch and learn if he and wife are as "roommates" as he says.... Gently... He's almost certainly lying. He and his W probably have somewhere between a decent and good relationship. They almost certainly have sex. This is the oldest lie in the AP handbook, it really is. He's staying because it's easier, he gets to sleep with two women, and he gets to keep all his money/house/comfort of a married life. It's very often that simple, in fact, every A I know of personally (where I know the man, I don't know any female APs IRL other than my W), it's almost word for word this. And the men are cruel to the APs behind their backs; I won't quote anything because I'm in the OW forum, but if you heard 5 minutes of one of my work friends talking about an AP, you'd be absolutely horrified. And I'm 100% certain the things he tells me are 180 degrees from what he tells her. Please try to see it for what it is, not what he says it is. He lies to his wife, the woman he married and made vows to, why would you think that he wouldn't lie to you? Words in an A are almost completely meaningless because you both know that you're liars simply by virtue of your relationship. Actions matter. Leaving his house and getting a condo matters. Divorce papers matter. "We don't sleep together/we're roommates" said by a MM or MW? Putting stock in that beyond "he's telling me what I need to hear" is a fools errand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 So what would you consider a respectful affair, then? There are no respectful A's this is really funny and sad all at once. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 There are no respectful A's this is really funny and sad all at once. That was part of why I asked the question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 you fall in love then most of the time it he/she goes back to there married partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 To take the other tack, even when they really are in love with you and everything works out in the end, being an OW when you're in love is mentally and emotionally exhausting. The constant worry and uncertainty is one of the things that makes an affair so addictive. It messes with your hormones. Highs higher, lows lower, all that. Those lows really suck. And it's not just the uncertainty of "will he ever actually choose you", there's also all the questions you have about the wife. What's going through her mind? What's she saying or thinking that you don't know about? What's she planning? Is there any way to do this and minimise the hurt to her? Does she deserve this? What's going to happen to her? And in my case, what crazy thing is she going to do next? Is she going to do harm to him, or me, or herself? Before he made up his mind I was cycling through emotions so rapidly, it was driving me crazy. There were times when I couldn't eat or sleep, to say nothing of focusing on work. I'm not looking for sympathy, just giving a perspective of how even in a relationship that isn't based on sex, this is a rollercoaster that is not fun to ride. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 To take the other tack, even when they really are in love with you and everything works out in the end, being an OW when you're in love is mentally and emotionally exhausting. The constant worry and uncertainty is one of the things that makes an affair so addictive. It messes with your hormones. Highs higher, lows lower, all that. Those lows really suck. And it's not just the uncertainty of "will he ever actually choose you", there's also all the questions you have about the wife. What's going through her mind? What's she saying or thinking that you don't know about? What's she planning? Is there any way to do this and minimise the hurt to her? Does she deserve this? What's going to happen to her? And in my case, what crazy thing is she going to do next? Is she going to do harm to him, or me, or herself? Before he made up his mind I was cycling through emotions so rapidly, it was driving me crazy. There were times when I couldn't eat or sleep, to say nothing of focusing on work. I'm not looking for sympathy, just giving a perspective of how even in a relationship that isn't based on sex, this is a rollercoaster that is not fun to ride. yes.... the uncertainty... the jealousy ... constant wondering... are making me go crazy. but i seem to not be able to give up on him... i guess i can't get rid of the hope... hope that he will somehow realize that he loves me enough to leave her... i feel stupid... i feel it won't happen.. and then again, i start thinking maybe it will.. this is hell. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 yes.... the uncertainty... the jealousy ... constant wondering... are making me go crazy. but i seem to not be able to give up on him... i guess i can't get rid of the hope... hope that he will somehow realize that he loves me enough to leave her... i feel stupid... i feel it won't happen.. and then again, i start thinking maybe it will.. this is hell. The thing is, the rollercoaster stops when you decide it’s time to get off... until then, up and down and round and round you will go. But, let’s say that he does leave and he does chose you. I would think that the rollercoaster continues... you have to deal with this divorce, a bitter ex-wife, custody and children (if they have any), constant fear that he will cheat again... Is that any way to live? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 yes.... the uncertainty... the jealousy ... constant wondering... are making me go crazy. but i seem to not be able to give up on him... i guess i can't get rid of the hope... hope that he will somehow realize that he loves me enough to leave her... i feel stupid... i feel it won't happen.. and then again, i start thinking maybe it will.. this is hell. Would you put up with any of his nonsense if he wasn't married? If not, then why do you put up with it just because he is? This may sound like a weird analogy, but your situation reminded me of the dandelion weeds out of my lawn. They start out tall, but if they keep being cut off by the mower, they start growing shorter and shorter to avoid the damage. Left alone for a while, the status quo returns to normal and they become tall again. You sound like that. You started out standing tall, but every time he/ the affair hurts you, you get a little bit smaller. It may be painful at first to end things, but if you do, and if you allow yourself to stand in the sunshine again, you can regrow and find yourself again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Would you put up with any of his nonsense if he wasn't married? If not, then why do you put up with it just because he is? This may sound like a weird analogy, but your situation reminded me of the dandelion weeds out of my lawn. They start out tall, but if they keep being cut off by the mower, they start growing shorter and shorter to avoid the damage. Left alone for a while, the status quo returns to normal and they become tall again. You sound like that. You started out standing tall, but every time he/ the affair hurts you, you get a little bit smaller. It may be painful at first to end things, but if you do, and if you allow yourself to stand in the sunshine again, you can regrow and find yourself again. Beautiful analogy. And, it's a good question. If he was single, do you think it would somehow be different? Because, I have a feeling that you would never stay in a relationship that makes you feel this badly... It's almost like being in the cycle of abuse. You just continue to come back for more... Why is that? Is it because you hold out hope that it will be different and/or you are you are unwilling to let go of all the time and energy you have invested and essentially wasted in this failed relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 29, 2018 Author Share Posted June 29, 2018 Beautiful analogy. And, it's a good question. If he was single, do you think it would somehow be different? Because, I have a feeling that you would never stay in a relationship that makes you feel this badly... It's almost like being in the cycle of abuse. You just continue to come back for more... Why is that? Is it because you hold out hope that it will be different and/or you are you are unwilling to let go of all the time and energy you have invested and essentially wasted in this failed relationship? I think it is because i hold out hope that it will be different and i think it's also because i have this mindset that getting whatever (love) possible from him is better than getting nothing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2018 Share Posted June 29, 2018 I think it is because i hold out hope that it will be different and i think it's also because i have this mindset that getting whatever (love) possible from him is better than getting nothing... Why would you accept so little for your life? He is not the only man in the world for you! There are good men out there who would love to offer you so much more - everything you want from a relationship! You will never meet them if you continue to waste your life waiting for this MM... Think about it, this really is like the cycle of abuse. At some point, you need to stop going around and around this vicious circle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 29, 2018 Author Share Posted June 29, 2018 Why would you accept so little for your life? He is not the only man in the world for you! There are good men out there who would love to offer you so much more - everything you want from a relationship! You will never meet them if you continue to waste your life waiting for this MM... Think about it, this really is like the cycle of abuse. At some point, you need to stop going around and around this vicious circle. and i can feel me nearing that point.. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts