After 24 Years, It's Difficult To Know How To Start Again

[SadHurtAndLost]

As many others here, I am making a post for the first time. I'll try to be brief, but I guess the more details I add, the better the response wil be.

 

My partner and I have been together for 24 years. She and I both came from fairly unloving families, but we both found intense love and companionship with each other. She pursued me when we worked as professionals together, which is usually a big mistake, but things seemed to work well. She was just beginning the process of separating from her first husband and deciding what to do with their son. The child came from an unplanned pregnancy, and, although she has always tried to love her son unconditionally, she gave custody to her ex-husband so that the son would be raised by her ex-husband and his parents rather than a daycare service while she worked.

 

We both grew closer over the years and eventually moved in together. We moved to a number of new cities in the U.S. to pursue job opporunities. Most of the time, they were opportunities for me, and she transferred within her company or found something with my new company.

 

We never learned how to really love ourselves or each other because we learned from our parents, who were either divorced or continued their marriage in very unhealthy ways. We struggled to learn as we went along, trying to learn from our mistakes. During the first few years, we did breakup with each other two times (once my decision and once hers), but we always got back together, and our passioned increased.

 

We still struggled to love each other unconditionally, and our relationship was filled with critical and judgemental overtures from me and her accomodating to a fault or running away from difficult situations. We loved each other so much that we stayed together and found a lot of positive experiences in between some of the hurt.

 

Finally, we both retired from our jobs to travel full-time. I retired first and did some volunteering, and she retired two years after. During this time, we also saw a therapist to begin to address some of our problems, but unfortunately, this therapist helped deal with a lot of the cosmetic issues without getting too deep into our underlying problems and challenges.

 

About three-and-a-half years ago, we began to travel the world together. Although we had resolved some of the friction between us, being together 24/7 created an environment where we experienced all of the good and bad times with each other. We handled this by her verbally breaking up with me and running away and me pursuing her. It was difficult for me to hear some of the difficulties she had due to my actions, and it was difficult for her to stand up for herself and express her feelings. She learned her actions from her mother (who is still married to an abusive husband), and I learned my controlling and critical nature from my single mother. In some ways, it was fire and gasoline, but we loved each other so much that we persevered and tried to work through it and stay committed.

 

After getting to a low level about one year ago, we began to see an amazing online therapist. He has helped us so much, but as we dug out from that difficult and terrible place, it took its toll on our love and connection. However, with his support and our ongoing commitment, things continued to improve, one small step at a time. She continued to tell me she loved me, she was committed to me, and she wanted to work through everything. I had some abandonment challenges, and these loving words of wisdom were so helpful. I also continually expressed my commitment to her, and forgave her every time she quit because I knew it was coming from fear.

 

We both continued to work, appreciating the wins and improvements and accepting the frustrations and difficulties. It seemed that, as of recently, we were growing closer, and we might finally get out of the hole and start to live a healthier life together.

 

Unfortunately, all of that changed a few weeks ago when she was visiting the south of France alone, and I was in South Korea. I flew to England to meet her at a friend's house, and, on the day of her expected arrival, I got an email with some unpleasant news. She had reached a point of peace and clarity, and her future life didn't include me in it. She would block all of my calls and texts for a week, and she committed to calling me after the week was finished.

 

At the time, I had entered an online program to learn how to love myself. I read a lot about it, and it seemed to be at the root of most of issues around criticizing myself and her, thinking negatively and judgementally, and most of the other things that prevented me from being happy and being happy in our relationship. I saw some of the same challenges around her inability to love herself and tried to share this with her.

 

Well, she is not listening anymore. She is cold and has put up walls to protect herself. After 24 years together, she broke up with me by email and then followed up with another confirmation email and a confirmation phone call. I am devastated.

 

Now, after leaving our home and selling all of our stuff in order to find a new country for our lives and a new life project to focus our future, I have to figure everything out on my own. I am currently visiting a friend in England (and making him crazy with my sadness and loss and inability to move on) and have committed to helping a refugee friend resettle in Canada in about one month.

 

Outside of this, my future is so uncertain. I feel so lost and alone at time. I am working as hard as I can to accept my new reality, but, as everyone on this forum knows, it is insanely difficult. I just want help and support.

 

After two weeks, I'm still hurting so much. I am seeing a therapist, but I decided to visit this forum to seek out additional resources. I only wish that we could be back together, and we could work through a self-love program in which I have become quite invested. It is so helpful and amazing, but all of the things that I am learning are being lost in the pain and suffering stemming from losing my best friend and love of my life.

 

As far as I know, she is travelling around France on her own. I am so shocked (and quite hurt) that she can do this after we have been together so long. Of course, I also admire her so much from being able to do this. I wake up every day as I hide at a friend's house, do meditation, yoga, self-help, and just try to survive each day. I am in Europe and doing nothing to enjoy it.

 

I am trying to get the motivation to travel somewhere, but I also don't want to walk around beautiful cities in Europe in a constant, painful slumber. I have so much and so much freedom, and I spend every day in constant pain due to the one thing I don't have.

 

Any help, advice, or support is soooooo appreciated. Without focus and goals, life seems so meaningless and fruitless. Let me know if I can answer any questions. I am 46 and she just turned 49 yesterday (yeah, ouch). Someone out there, please have compassion and empathy for me and help me to find myself again.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As far as I know, she is travelling around France on her own.

 

I'd be doubting this, but I'm pretty cynical about that sort of thing.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you, especially since it sounds like the two of you were pretty much wrapped up only in each other without a lot of outside support by way of family members, close friends. I'm assuming this based on your nomadic existence.

 

I don't have any words of sage advice, just wanted to welcome you to the forum.

[SadHurtAndLost]

Wow. Unconditional welcoming. Thanks. I needed that.

 

I used to be pretty cynical as well, but this is one of the paths I would like to change in my life. The cynicism became a bit of an obstacle for me. It was a symptom of my lack of self-love. I thought that, if I didn't love me, nobody else could, and then I shouldn't believe in the good of others. Cynicism was a better answer for me at the time than compassion and understanding. Not a reflection on you; it was how my logic went.

 

Are you questioning that she is travelling in France or travelling in France alone?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wow. Unconditional welcoming. Thanks. I needed that.

 

I used to be pretty cynical as well, but this is one of the paths I would like to change in my life. The cynicism became a bit of an obstacle for me. It was a symptom of my lack of self-love. I thought that, if I didn't love me, nobody else could, and then I shouldn't believe in the good of others. Cynicism was a better answer for me at the time than compassion and understanding. Not a reflection on you; it was how my logic went.

 

Are you questioning that she is travelling in France or travelling in France alone?

 

Traveling alone. The abrupt end leads me to question if she has a romantic traveling partner you don't know about.

[SadHurtAndLost]

Traveling alone. The abrupt end leads me to question if she has a romantic traveling partner you don't know about.

I don't think so. But, you never know. She has talked about wanting time alone. Time to find herself. Part of her frustration was that she is a very accomodating person. Too accomodating. Even though I tried to help, she lost herself sometimes in trying to be the person she thought I wanted her to be. I just wanted her to be herself and to be happy.

 

So, if she is with someone, she will have a tougher time finding herself and being herself. I am sad for her if that is the case. She needs some time to grieve, find herself, and love herself. It is possible she found someone else. This is sometimes a pattern for people in her position.

[PegNosePete]

if she is with someone, she will have a tougher time finding herself and being herself.

When someone says that you should tell them to look in a mirror. It's what people say when they want time away from their partner to do things that they don't want their partner to know about. Usually that involves spending with with, or communicating with, someone else. So yeah, I'd say chances that she's with someone else are pretty high. Whether her trip to France was pre-planned to meet someone, or she just met someone out there, I don't know. But I'd bet my bottom dollar that there is someone else in the picture here.

Edited May 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When someone says that you should tell them to look in a mirror. It's what people say when they want time away from their partner to do things that they don't want their partner to know about. Usually that involves spending with with, or communicating with, someone else.

 

And also the ole' "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Edited May 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SadHurtAndLost]

And also the ole' "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

I am looking for support, compassion, and empathy, and not cynical declarations of knowing what people are thinking. I understand that this could be the case, but please, this post is not very helpful in moving throught my grieving process.

[SadHurtAndLost]

When someone says that you should tell them to look in a mirror. It's what people say when they want time away from their partner to do things that they don't want their partner to know about. Usually that involves spending with with, or communicating with, someone else. So yeah, I'd say chances that she's with someone else are pretty high. Whether her trip to France was pre-planned to meet someone, or she just met someone out there, I don't know. But I'd bet my bottom dollar that there is someone else in the picture here.

I am looking for support, compassion, and empathy, and not cynical declarations of knowing what people are thinking. I understand that this could be the case, but please, this post is not very helpful in moving throught my grieving process.

Edited May 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[What_Did_I_Do]

Sad, so sorry this happened to you. Your partner may or may not be 'talking' to someone else. But for here and today, your new journey starts by picking up the pieces. How? With time.

 

I was with my xH for 25 years. We had very similar childhoods (extremely dysfunctional families...not the loveable, silly dysfunction that we see in the movies where everyone still loves each other at the end of the day. Nope, both of ours...very bad). In any event, we tried and limped along, therapy books, counselling, you name it. Eventually our inability to work together came to an end. It took me a loooong time to recover. But that's only because I held on to things, good and bad, for far too long.

 

You'll need to grieve this loss. It will be hard to enjoy the beauty of a foreign country right now, but maybe force yourself to do one neat thing per day. Join an on-line divorce group (doesn't matter if you were officially married). Talk it out. One day at a time. It does get better....

 

Hugs.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am looking for support, compassion, and empathy, and not cynical declarations of knowing what people are thinking. I understand that this could be the case, but please, this post is not very helpful in moving throught my grieving process.

 

Honestly, the path, well-documented if you spend some time reading here, is pretty simple. Stay busy, physical exercise included. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Lean on friends and family members for support Read about grieving and the steps involved so you understand the journey. And avoid distractions like stalking, rebound relationships and other emotional time-wasters as you heal.

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Wow. Unconditional welcoming. Thanks. I needed that.

 

I used to be pretty cynical as well, but this is one of the paths I would like to change in my life. The cynicism became a bit of an obstacle for me. It was a symptom of my lack of self-love. I thought that, if I didn't love me, nobody else could, and then I shouldn't believe in the good of others. Cynicism was a better answer for me at the time than compassion and understanding. Not a reflection on you; it was how my logic went.

 

Are you questioning that she is travelling in France or travelling in France alone?

 

No we are not questioning that, we are saying that she met someone and she thinks she is in love with him, or her, who knows.

 

I am sorry that you are here. But have you ever heard of the sunken cost paradigm?

 

That is what you are dealing with. You think you want her back, but that is throwing the good after the bad. You are wasting your time.

 

She is done with you, she has a new love, and you are not it.

 

You just have to understand that the relationship was not really as great as you, in your mind, as you think it was. But really, all the issues you guys had.

 

Just start a new life somewhere, you are not too old, you have a lot of life left...

[standtall]

Wow...what an amazing and sad story.

 

Well, she has found herself someone else...could be male or female. Either way, she will either come back to you on her own, or not at all. Any actions you do to bring her back will most likely drive her away.

 

Personally, I would get a new "female associate", post a bunch of travel pictures on social media, and let the runaway wife decide if she made a mistake.