AlbChick Posted May 29, 2018 Share Posted May 29, 2018 Just venting. My father just tried to beat me up and he would have maybe killed me if it wasnt for my mom. All my life i have hated this man. He has physcially abused me since i was two or three. Maybe younger but i dont remember. Once i didnt talk to him for four or five years. Then family started guilting me into forgiving him, i never forgave, just started talking again only when he spoke to me. Today, he was asking something he misplaced and when he couldnt find it he started yelling and cursing at my mom. I defended her and then he turned. All his amger against me. I cant take it anymore. Im writing and i am sobbing, my hands are trembling. I never deserved this. I was a Straight A student, i graduated and found a decent job. I cant move, i live in south east europe and the living standard here is very low.. and i cant leave my mom with that monster.. i guess this is why i cant sustain a healthy relationship...i wish he dies, i really do.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted May 29, 2018 Author Share Posted May 29, 2018 I wish i could just die. There are no words to express how am i feeling. How have i felt for years... i would have died if it wasnt for my mom.. Link to post Share on other sites
Romantic_Antics Posted May 29, 2018 Share Posted May 29, 2018 It's time to report this to the police. No man, father or otherwise, should be allowed to get away with devaluing a woman through physical and/or emotional abuse to the point that she wants to die. Reading this broke my heart. I am so sorry for what you're going through and I hope you take my advice. Don't be afraid. Stand up and be strong, but also be careful about it and be smart. You and your mother both need to get away from this man. If you're able to be alone with her, tell her how your father has made you feel, and tell her that it's time to get law enforcement involved. Don't let her talk you out of it or make excuses. Tell her you'll leave and call the police anyways. This has to stop. Right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted May 29, 2018 Author Share Posted May 29, 2018 Thnx for your warm reply I know i should report him, but so what if i report him! I tried once few years ago when he tried to hit my mom with plumber’s tool, nothing happened. They just came, took notes and left.. everybody heard and nobody did anything... i was even mocked behind my back for daring to report my own father.. this is the society i live in...you know, i am really tired, im turning 30 by the end of September. All my friends are married, engaged with kids and all and here i am still dealing with this ****!! I used to feel ashamed and to blame myself a lot and felt guilty for not talking to him because there are times when he tries to be nice but i just cant stand him. I cant stand being in the same room with him; when he is around i feel anxious... i ask myself if there was a time when i have loved him? this is how much he has hurt me..There are small instances when i feel sorry about him, like when he asks for money to buy cigarettes cuz never in his life he has worked, but these moments pass quickly..The worst is that he forgets or pretends to forget what has he done and never admits it... Anyway i have so much to tell i could write a novel hh, but ill stop here cuz my story is similar to that of many many people that is becoming boring Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 29, 2018 Share Posted May 29, 2018 (edited) Thnx for your warm reply I know i should report him, but so what if i report him! I tried once few years ago when he tried to hit my mom with plumber’s tool, nothing happened. They just came, took notes and left.. everybody heard and nobody did anything... i was even mocked behind my back for daring to report my own father.. this is the society i live in...you know, i am really tired, im turning 30 by the end of September. All my friends are married, engaged with kids and all and here i am still dealing with this ****!! I used to feel ashamed and to blame myself a lot and felt guilty for not talking to him because there are times when he tries to be nice but i just cant stand him. I cant stand being in the same room with him; when he is around i feel anxious... i ask myself if there was a time when i have loved him? this is how much he has hurt me..There are small instances when i feel sorry about him, like when he asks for money to buy cigarettes cuz never in his life he has worked, but these moments pass quickly..The worst is that he forgets or pretends to forget what has he done and never admits it... Anyway i have so much to tell i could write a novel hh, but ill stop here cuz my story is similar to that of many many people that is becoming boring My father was a very violent man and when my mother would make a police report, they would just push it aside and state that it was a family issue and it was none of their business. That garnered more wrath from my father when he found out we made a police report. At 19, I had enough and it was the last time he drew blood from me so I moved out and wanted my mother to follow but she chose to stay. If I had stayed, I think he would have killed me at some point. I had a low paying job but found a small room to rent in the city and found my peace even when I didn't have enough money to eat. Anywhere was better than being there. I know and understand your pain. He's never going to change. The only change that is going to happen is the one that comes from you. Edited May 29, 2018 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted May 29, 2018 Author Share Posted May 29, 2018 I am so sorry that you too went through this and im so envious of your courage at such a young age? and thank you for sharing it with me! I tried once to run too ( see, i try things and then dont go through with them) i stayed a few days in a cheap hotel room. Eventually i returned because you know, mostly my mom, what would people say, and so on. I wish i lived in USA, i am not that familiar with the living style there, but i am sure it is 100 times more liberal. Things are different here, though i know it isnt an excuse but it is harder. I am trying to get a working visa in germany so well see where that goes! Until then i will try to avoid him as much as i can. Link to post Share on other sites
Romantic_Antics Posted May 29, 2018 Share Posted May 29, 2018 Where I live a single report of domestic violence would get him hauled off to jail. Then, while in custody, an attorney appointed by the state would gather additional evidence and testimony from you and your mother and he would be tried, convicted, and imprisoned, with release conditions involving a restraining order that would send him right back to jail if he showed up at your house or tried to contact you. I'm sorry that this isn't the case where you live. Out here domestic violence is taken very seriously. In any event, you and your mother need to do whatever you can to get away from him before his violence turns fatal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted May 29, 2018 Author Share Posted May 29, 2018 Where I live a single report of domestic violence would get him hauled off to jail. Then, while in custody, an attorney appointed by the state would gather additional evidence and testimony from you and your mother and he would be tried, convicted, and imprisoned, with release conditions involving a restraining order that would send him right back to jail if he showed up at your house or tried to contact you. I'm sorry that this isn't the case where you live. Out here domestic violence is taken very seriously. In any event, you and your mother need to do whatever you can to get away from him before his violence turns fatal. I am sorry too for how things are where i live too, not just for me but for many others like me. There are laws and all, but implementing them is always a problem and people, including me, do nothing about it, so how the saying goes, everybody lies in the bed they make. Me and my mom are gonna make it. This was the last time he laid a hand on me or my mom i swear. It will sound unbelievable and a little cliche, but something changed in me today. I am not that good with words so i dont know how to explain it, but this incident today only added to my strength. Thank you for your reply, i really needed to tell this to somebody without fearing of being misunderstood or accused of provoking him, so thank you for listening and thanks to the founders of this forum, they are not aware of the good they are doing... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 30, 2018 Share Posted May 30, 2018 Call the police on him and then be willing to press charges. I don't know how it is there, but you should at least call police and ask the if they will do anything about it or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted May 30, 2018 Author Share Posted May 30, 2018 Unfortunately, the police does nothing. I wish and hope this changes soon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fieldoflavender Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Can you video record it? Put a secret camera and then give that to the police? But get out of there seriously. Go find a women's shelter. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Your dad sounds like a monster. Do you think your mom would ever leave him? Does she know that you're staying around to protect her even though you hate living there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted June 2, 2018 Author Share Posted June 2, 2018 Can you video record it? Put a secret camera and then give that to the police? But get out of there seriously. Go find a women's shelter. Best of luck. There are basically no women shelters here, thnx for the suggestion. I am trying to leave and move west Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted June 2, 2018 Author Share Posted June 2, 2018 I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Your dad sounds like a monster. Do you think your mom would ever leave him? Does she know that you're staying around to protect her even though you hate living there? Thnx for your compassion. He is a monster! Sometimes i try to justify him but simply there is no justification! His parents have been the sweetest, i dont know why he is this way.. my mom, well no she doesnt know i stay there because of her. She must think i am there because i am supposed to be there until i get married..sometimes i lash out on her and blame her for all my misfortunes because she chose to stay.. many times ive told her, and i mean it, i would have been better off at an orphanage Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Thnx for your compassion. He is a monster! Sometimes i try to justify him but simply there is no justification! His parents have been the sweetest, i dont know why he is this way.. my mom, well no she doesnt know i stay there because of her. She must think i am there because i am supposed to be there until i get married..sometimes i lash out on her and blame her for all my misfortunes because she chose to stay.. many times ive told her, and i mean it, i would have been better off at an orphanage If he's been abusive towards her she may not have enough self-esteem to venture out on her own. And what if he came after her or before that caught her planning to leave? She may just be scared. I'm sure you two need to have a good long talk so you can know what the other is thinking. Try to go easy on her if you can. She can't go back and change it even if she wanted to. She's probably way more messed up than you even know. Her staying tells you that loud and clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted June 8, 2018 Author Share Posted June 8, 2018 Yes, i know i shouldnt be harsh to her. She didnt know any better as she grew up in a patriarchal family where women have no say, and i try to control myself but there are times when i cant take it and i just take it out on her, which i later regret. Anyway, i decided to leave in august for germany and she is staying. Im leaving half heartedly because of her but i have no choice Thanks for your concern 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thor of Love Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 You did the best thing, leaving is your best option, it's your mother's fault for taking all that **** from him. Lastly, if he is too much of a bother, I suggest beating him up well. Only violence can stop violence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 I feel your pain. I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. I couldn't report it because the police were just as bad, and I was scared that me and my sister would be split up and forced into foster homes to be abused and assaulted. It's tough. Until I was old enough to leave, the only thing I could do was hide. When I had to, I literally shielded my sister with my body. I found out a while back that she has some brain damage that shows up on scans due to the beatings. My mom left my dad after I graduated high school, and although she didn't beat us she was no prize either. Once she went to prison for having sex with minors, I got custody of my sister (a teenager by then) and everything finally stopped. If you have no younger siblings to shield, the best thing you can do is leave. Your mother is an adult, and responsible for her own actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 I feel for you. I had exactly the same father like yours and also lived in the part of the world where you are. I was a master of hiding bruises and wounds. I was also a straigh A student and no one cared for what I’ve neen through, police there as you know is so corrupted it would never do a thing. Eventually I took a couple of suitcases and went studying abroad... then working in the USA, immigrated permanently. My father died soon after from his incessant alcohol abuse... I’m 33 now, celebrated 11 years of ‘freedom’ since I left my abusive home, have a PhD, great job, own my home, fantastic BF, not saying this to brag- just illustrating your life is NOT over no matter what kind of abuse you’ve been through. You can build your own future, just find a way to get yourself out of your abusive household and things will work out for you. I think being through hardships gives you an unique perspective of life- you’re one step beyond your peers, think of it as an advantage not impediment. I did that and it served me great:) Just venting. My father just tried to beat me up and he would have maybe killed me if it wasnt for my mom. All my life i have hated this man. He has physcially abused me since i was two or three. Maybe younger but i dont remember. Once i didnt talk to him for four or five years. Then family started guilting me into forgiving him, i never forgave, just started talking again only when he spoke to me. Today, he was asking something he misplaced and when he couldnt find it he started yelling and cursing at my mom. I defended her and then he turned. All his amger against me. I cant take it anymore. Im writing and i am sobbing, my hands are trembling. I never deserved this. I was a Straight A student, i graduated and found a decent job. I cant move, i live in south east europe and the living standard here is very low.. and i cant leave my mom with that monster.. i guess this is why i cant sustain a healthy relationship...i wish he dies, i really do.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 I feel for you. I had exactly the same father like yours and also lived in the part of the world where you are. I was a master of hiding bruises and wounds. I was also a straigh A student and no one cared for what I’ve neen through, police there as you know is so corrupted it would never do a thing. Eventually I took a couple of suitcases and went studying abroad... then working in the USA, immigrated permanently. My father died soon after from his incessant alcohol abuse... I’m 33 now, celebrated 11 years of ‘freedom’ since I left my abusive home, have a PhD, great job, own my home, fantastic BF, not saying this to brag- just illustrating your life is NOT over no matter what kind of abuse you’ve been through. You can build your own future, just find a way to get yourself out of your abusive household and things will work out for you. I think being through hardships gives you an unique perspective of life- you’re one step beyond your peers, think of it as an advantage not impediment. I did that and it served me great:) Your story is a lot like mine. And yes, you can definitely build a bright future once you leave and get out on your own. I went to college, got a good job, bought a house and sold it for a good profit, and ended up married with a unique and loving family. Getting out is the toughest step. Things get better from there if you play it smart and stay motivated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Your story is a lot like mine. And yes, you can definitely build a bright future once you leave and get out on your own. I went to college, got a good job, bought a house and sold it for a good profit, and ended up married with a unique and loving family. Getting out is the toughest step. Things get better from there if you play it smart and stay motivated. Yup! Hard beginnings build character like nothing else. OP seems to be successful and self-sufficient already, so it’s just about time to make the steps to get out. But the concern is her mother... a legitimate one, but nevertheless one can’t self-sacrifice... Merrick- in your case your mother left your father eventually, was he after her then? I guess this is the biggest problem in OP’s case... Otherwise she probably can pull her mother out of it eventually as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Yes, i know i shouldnt be harsh to her. She didnt know any better as she grew up in a patriarchal family where women have no say, and i try to control myself but there are times when i cant take it and i just take it out on her, which i later regret. Anyway, i decided to leave in august for germany and she is staying. Im leaving half heartedly because of her but i have no choice Thanks for your concern It's not only her upbringing but she may have a genuine fear for her life if she were to leave, especially if she knows the statistics. Quote: "Women who are survivors of domestic violence are right to feel afraid. The Canadian Women’s Foundation reports that 26 percent of women killed by their spouse are killed after they leave the relationship, and women are six times more likely to be murdered by an ex-partner than a current partner." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201806/domestic-abuse-linked-financial-crisis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 Yup! Hard beginnings build character like nothing else. OP seems to be successful and self-sufficient already, so it’s just about time to make the steps to get out. But the concern is her mother... a legitimate one, but nevertheless one can’t self-sacrifice... Merrick- in your case your mother left your father eventually, was he after her then? I guess this is the biggest problem in OP’s case... Otherwise she probably can pull her mother out of it eventually as well. By the time my mother left, my father was too incapacitated by the alcohol to be much of a threat. He was much more dangerous when I was younger and was only a moderate alcoholic. My mother didn't even move very far to get away from him...only about a two miles away in the same town. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 I don't want you to die I don't want you to wish death on that monster dad I want you to plan how to escape this situation. If you escape this life, there is a chance you can take her with you. So, try to find a way out, if you are out, it is easier to think clearly and take her out with you later on. But a huge ps here: Don't get out by relying on just any other man, I saw this happened all my life, girls escaped family terror only to replace it with another kind of abuse and terror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlbChick Posted July 27, 2018 Author Share Posted July 27, 2018 Hey guys, i know i wasnt here for a period. I wanted to, first of all, thank you for taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me. NoGo and major merrick, i am sorry about what you went through but at the same time i am happy that now all of that is behind you. I really am. I wanted you all to know that i have cut him off. I moved out and now i am speaking only to my mom. She decided to stay but now my brother is there so i dont worry much about here. Life is getting better, and yes i know that finding a man is not the answer so until somebody worthy comes along, ill stay single. Im ok with it. Thnx again guys 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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