LDR with a girl from Thailand

[Loss]

Hi guys,

 

Thank you all for reading my post. I live in the US and for the past year have been in long distance relationship with a Thai girl. We had met on one of the dating websites a year ago and I've visited her in Thailand twice for 2 weeks each time. She now says LDR is very difficult for her because she misses me a lot and wants to come live with me in the US. She is really pressing on getting registered as husband and wife by end of the year (next time I'm planning to go see her) so she can get a visa and immigrate. Since the beginning she had told me that she's been looking at leaving Thailand for a while due to reasons I'll explain below, and I was the second US citizen she's dated (first one broke up with her because he didn't think LDR relationship will work out for him, and they're now just friends).

 

A little bit about her...She is NOT a bar girl. As inheritance her deceased parents have left her a house with multiple apartments that she has been renting. In addition she works as Math/English teacher at Kumon school and as insurance company representative, both on part-time basis. She has a Master's degree in Business Administration. Needless to say she keeps herself busy. She loves her family and I have seen her show compassion and kindness towards strangers (i.e helping elderly to cross the street).

 

Some of the reasons she wants to leave Thailand...She has a number of relatives, some of whom are very successful and live comfortably, but also some who expect a handout from her. They were given a share from inheritance but have spent it all. One of the things that was very stressful for her last year is that these relatives wanted her to sell the house and distribute the money between everyone. Also, some of her ex-boyfriends have expected her to help out since they cannot afford their bills. She says that she constantly meets people who just want to take advantage of her (she is also very kind and sensitive) and make her very stressed/depressed, and for the most part dislikes Thai men. She has some good friends but also it sounds like some really bad ones who make her depressed.

 

Some of the things that make me anxious..I'm afraid of being used. There are a lot of stories of Thai girls using westerners to move to the US and then leaving them/finding some else, etc. Although my heart wants to trust her, it makes me scared and anxious. Does she really love me or is she just using me to move to US.

 

She also has one male friend who she is CONSTANTLY talking with for hours, during the day and/or very late at night, and of course I don't understand what they say to each other. I got a little upset with her because she wanted to talk with him instead of spending time with me, what limited time I had to be with her. He had picked us up at airports very late at night, calls her constantly, on the morning that I left he came over to console her because she was feeling very sad. She says that he is just a friend, he is married and has a kid, but that doesn't make me feel much better. It's hard for me to imagine it, but the possibility of her inviting him to US and leaving me to be with him is haunting me.

 

Part of me wants to trust her and believe her, but part of me is cautious. I do understand that LDR are very hard and talking on the phone/video is not the same as being there in person, and that this needs to lead to something, it can't go on like this for years - we've talked about having a family together. She had talked about us registering since January, and when I said I wasn't ready said she wouldn't force me, but now the conversation is back on table. She says it's too hard for her..

 

Any advice?

Steve

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'd watch a few seasons of 90 Day Fiance before making this decision.

[Loss]

Could you please elaborate?

 

The whole thing is stressing me out so much, but I don't want to ruin anything with the girl if she is genuine.

[clia]

She has been bringing up marriage and getting out of Thailand since fairly early on in your relationship, so it seems reasonable that getting the green card/citizenship is her main goal here. I'm not saying she doesn't have feelings for you, because she very well might, but you should be very cautious about marrying her. None of us know her or how she treats you, so give that some thought.

 

I assume it's been impossible for her to get a visa to visit you in the US, so is it possible to meet her in a third location that isn't Thailand or the US for a trip?

 

She also has one male friend who she is CONSTANTLY talking with for hours, during the day and/or very late at night, and of course I don't understand what they say to each other. I got a little upset with her because she wanted to talk with him instead of spending time with me, what limited time I had to be with her. He had picked us up at airports very late at night, calls her constantly, on the morning that I left he came over to console her because she was feeling very sad. She says that he is just a friend, he is married and has a kid, but that doesn't make me feel much better. It's hard for me to imagine it, but the possibility of her inviting him to US and leaving me to be with him is haunting me.

 

This is a gigantic red flag. It sounds like they are in a relationship. Are you sure this kid of his isn't also HER kid? It would be very easy for her to hide things from you, given that you've only seen her in person twice over the past year. It's not particularly uncommon for some women to marry a guy to get the green card/citizenship, then divorce him and bring over the man they are truly in love with.

 

My advice is to find a woman in the US.

[marky00]

Didn't read your post but I was in a LDR with a Thai girl for 9 years. So yeah, I know how it works.

 

There's just so much to warn you about, I wouldn't know where to start.

 

Good luck !!!!

[Zahara]

Could you please elaborate?

 

The whole thing is stressing me out so much, but I don't want to ruin anything with the girl if she is genuine.

 

No one can determine as fact if this woman is genuine or not. It's a risk you took by choosing to date someone that is half way across the world.

 

It is not a wise move on your part to marry a woman you've met only 4 weeks out of a year. You do not know her except from the limited time you've met in person and your perceptions of her from your online interactions. And you're already having trust issues.

 

It does sound like she's looking for an American man to help her escape from her life there, and she could likely have genuine feelings for you. But the latter doesn't guarantee anything when you both are finally in person and spending all your time together. The dynamic may change as you begin to really and truly get to know each other.

 

Good luck.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Could you please elaborate?

 

The whole thing is stressing me out so much, but I don't want to ruin anything with the girl if she is genuine.

 

90 Day Fiance is a reality show on TLC and it follows couples like you. All of them have applied for the K1 Visa and have to get married in 90 days after the foreigner in the couple arrives in the USA. Some work out, many do not. A LOT of the women come to the U.S. thinking we all live like the Kardashians and are shocked when their man won't shell out money for $10,000 purses, etc. Some of the Americans have lied to get their partners over here, though. I find it all pretty interested.

[Loss]

It is so hard..I'm all over her Facebook, with a lot of our photos and memories, and everyone is congratulating us on being a couple. I've met some of her friends and family and them seem to be genuinely good people. She is also an incredible nice and kind person who seems to care about me a lot and does so much for me, makes sure that I'm happy with her. She cried multiple times on the days closer to my departure because she was feeling so sad to have to let me go and I had to try to comfort her. She would have to be an incredible actress to pull something like this off.

 

The guy thing does bother me a lot. After I brought it up she said that he's one of the few good friends she has, and the other times had asked me if it would be ok for her to chat with him.

[Loss]

 

I assume it's been impossible for her to get a visa to visit you in the US, so is it possible to meet her in a third location that isn't Thailand or the US for a trip?

 

 

 

 

Yep. There are only certain places she can travel to without a visa. We had talked about traveling to South Africa, Russia, Japan or Vietnam as some of the places that will work for her and that I would also be interested in visiting. She was open to the idea.

 

I think a tourist visa will be very difficult to get, but perhaps a student visa could be a possibility if she's willing to go that route. She had in the past expressed interest in going to school here in US to pick up a trade.

[justwhoiam]

I live in the US and for the past year have been in long distance relationship with a Thai girl.

Hi.

 

1) How old are you both?

2) What do you do for a living?

3) How much do you make per year? And did you share that with her?

 

she [...] wants to come live with me in the US

Many girls from Thailand and the Philippines are like that.

 

 

She is really pressing on getting registered as husband and wife by end of the year

I would understand the pressure if she were in her late 30s or older, like wanting a family ASAP. But I guess that's not her case?

 

so she can get a visa and immigrate

If you want to be loved for who you are, you need to take money out of the equation. This girl is definitely more interested in reaching her goal through you than in being with you.

 

Since the beginning she had told me that she's been looking at leaving Thailand

Well, she surely didn't beat around the bush. The other American man she "dated" was just a waste of time for her, and her plans went down the drain. Now she's being very goal-oriented.

 

She is NOT a bar girl

You don't know if that has ever been her lifestyle at some point in her life. You want to believe what she tells you.

 

her deceased parents have left her a house with multiple apartments that she has been renting

So multiple apartments + working 2 jobs (one in education and one in insurance). She must be well off? What is she doing with the money? Did she treat you to any meals when you were visiting? Like cooking for you, serving special delicacies, paying at a fancy restaurant? What about entertainment? Or you were the one splurging out money for everything? Again: money out of the equation, if you want to see her true colors.

 

Have you ever thought of counterchecking what she told you? Like checking if she still has living parents, children? If you haven't, you should. Before thinking of splurging more money on this. Unless you're so rich you don't know what to do with your money.

 

I have seen her show compassion and kindness towards strangers (i.e helping elderly to cross the street).

Don't be fooled by such things. You don't know the length someone can go to get what they want. It might be part of the scheme.

 

Her story about her relatives doesn't add up. These are needy people wanting to live off her. If she lied to you, they might start threatening her to reveal the truth to you, so she might need to pay them to keep them quiet.

 

some of her ex-boyfriends have expected her to help out since they cannot afford their bills

She gives money to men. Hmm. That might be their job. Have you ever thought that?

 

All the talk about how everyone's bad, thai men are bad and her getting depressed are not a good sign.

 

I'm afraid of being used

All the signs are there for it to happen. It depends on you. Tell her you're not willing to get married right away, as you need to see what life with her would be like before committing.

 

It's very easy to see if her feelings for you are genuine:

 

Ask her if she's willing to move to the USA in case you find her a job there as a waitress (you gotta fake that). Tell her you live with your parents (and didn't share that detail in fear of losing her) and she can't move in with you. She needs to get a place of her own and pay rent. But that you would be dating her if she moved to the USA. See what she says. I guess she'd be like: I pass, next please.

 

She would have to be an incredible actress to pull something like this off.

You're being naif.

[Fugu]

Any advice?

Steve

 

 

Here's the deal: you're trying to enter into a long-term relationship with someone from a radically - like way radically - different culture than yours, and (I think) you've never been there or never even studied the place. It would be different if you had lived in Thailand for a few years, had learned the language and culture, and met her there. Or if she had been in the US for a few years and learned something about the culture here. But that's not the case. You know nothing about each other.

 

I hate to be cynical, but I think you don't have a real relationship. If you want to take a chance on this, I suggest you pack your bags, find a teaching (or some other job) in Thailand, move there for a year or two, and get to know each other that way. The way things stand now? You're f*cked and it won't even feel good.

[BaileyB]

I'd watch a few seasons of 90 Day Fiance before making this decision.

 

Exactly. Buyer beware.