Nobody Loves Me

[Museia7]

Hi Everyone.

 

I am here in a state of dire confusion. I hope someone can offer some sincere advice to get me out of this.

 

When I meet a girl, everything appears to be going fine. We talk. I ask questions. Tell about myself. We laugh. In many cases, we get very engaged in our talk. If I see signs of interest I will try to escalate with touch. And I am always polite. But in spite of always having good conversation or maybe dancing a little or a quick kiss, girls simply have no interest in me. They don’t walk away, say insulting things, or throw drinks in my face. When I ask if they want to hang out later, they either say no or give me their number and never respond. I’ve tried speed dating and online dating also. Not one reply. I meet so many men who aren’t doing anything with their lives and/or don’t treat women with any respect and they have more love than they know what to do with. My neighbor claims her boyfriend is beating her and she can’t get enough of him.

 

I think I’ve got a few things that would make me a pretty good candidate for a girl: I have steady work in a family-owned engineering business. I am working on a PhD in anthropology. I’ve visited 36 countries and lived in 4 of them. I was a college professor for two years. I’ve done volunteer work in five countries including food pantry, refugee camp, orphanage, and children’s hospital. I saved the lives of two Afghan girls (long story). I speak 6 languages. I dance salsa (have taught girls some moves). I practice three types of martial arts. I am learning improv comedy. I have some experience flying airplanes. I go to the gym three times a week.

 

I want to make a few things very clear before you respond.

 

First of all, I do not inundate a girl with the information that I have just given you above. I always keep focus on her, ask questions, and validate what she has to say. If I do mention some of these things about myself, it is to make me seem interesting or to highlight similarities between her and myself. I know all about the dangers of showing off.

 

Second, I am also aware of nonverbal communication. I pay attention to our body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. Some of my friends have watched me while I talk to a girl and say I look confident.

 

And finally, when I say I am polite, I do not mean “nice guy.” I try to avoid low value actions like letting the girl make all the decisions or buying drinks a minute into the conversation. I think if I was acting needy, I would have realized it by now or someone would have told me.

 

There is only one thing that I can think that’s stopping me - I am currently being treated for PTSD. I think I am doing a good job of hiding it. Most of the people I know say they don’t notice anything and I am capable of starting friendships. Is a woman’s intuition that sharp that they can tell something is wrong? Even if I don’t show any major signs of it?

 

I hope that someone can provide some sort of insight into this problem. I don’t want to die alone.

[smackie9]

Go hire a dating coach. They will give you constructive advice on how to approach, talk and act in dating situations.

[Romantic_Antics]

First and foremost, you need to change your attitude. Saying things like "Nobody loves me" and "I don't want to die alone" are entirely too negative, fatalistic, and can create a sense of desperation that you betray to the women you talk to. Your friends love you, at least on some level, and I'll take a lucky guess that you're not the lone surviving member of your family. Therefore your statement that nobody loves you is false.

 

Your PTSD is contributing to your anxiety and even insecurity about this. That, too, can manifest itself in your speech, mannerisms, and behaviors when you interact with women. I hope you're doing everything you can to seek appropriate treatment(s) as that will benefit you and your love life in the long run. You might want to make that your focus for awhile instead of continuing to spin your wheels while you're stuck in a rut.

 

You'll find love. Just make sure you take the time to show some love to yourself.

[mortensorchid]

I can't speak for your self esteem issues, but I will speak for the gals who you have sited here. I was talking to a buddy of mine a while back (a male friend) and he said that women want someone who is like their father who drinks, does drugs, beats them, jail sentence, etc. And I stopped him right there and said "No, THIS is why." Just like I will tell you at this moment.

 

I don't care what year you think this is, where we are in terms of "gender equality", etc. There are double standards out there for men's a women's behaviors. Women as children are disciplined more, expected to behave, accept things, be passive, etc. When women act up, the hammer of Thor comes down on her from parents, friends/peers, the public, etc. (Think Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or Kim Kardashian.) When boys act up, we just say "Boys will be boys, won't they?" (Think Charlie Sheen.) Women who go for bad boys do so because that is appealing to our wants and needs to be bad, and that is speaking to our inner bad girl which we want to be. If you brought any of those gals before me, I would say to them "YOu want to be bad? Be bad. Be as bad as you want to be. But you don't have to be with one of them to identify as a Bad Girl." Now granted, I am in my 40s now, I have gotten a lot of that nonsense out of my system after being burned how many times by others and myself. But, I am still a Bad Girl, I just keep it all inside and private. I know within myself how bad I want to be. Look at Paris Hilton today - she wants to lead a quiet life. As do I.

[preraph]

I can't speak for your self esteem issues, but I will speak for the gals who you have sited here. I was talking to a buddy of mine a while back (a male friend) and he said that women want someone who is like their father who drinks, does drugs, beats them, jail sentence, etc. And I stopped him right there and said "No, THIS is why." Just like I will tell you at this moment.

 

I don't care what year you think this is, where we are in terms of "gender equality", etc. There are double standards out there for men's a women's behaviors. Women as children are disciplined more, expected to behave, accept things, be passive, etc. When women act up, the hammer of Thor comes down on her from parents, friends/peers, the public, etc. (Think Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or Kim Kardashian.) When boys act up, we just say "Boys will be boys, won't they?" (Think Charlie Sheen.) Women who go for bad boys do so because that is appealing to our wants and needs to be bad, and that is speaking to our inner bad girl which we want to be. If you brought any of those gals before me, I would say to them "YOu want to be bad? Be bad. Be as bad as you want to be. But you don't have to be with one of them to identify as a Bad Girl." Now granted, I am in my 40s now, I have gotten a lot of that nonsense out of my system after being burned how many times by others and myself. But, I am still a Bad Girl, I just keep it all inside and private. I know within myself how bad I want to be. Look at Paris Hilton today - she wants to lead a quiet life. As do I.

 

I agree with you about the double standard for women, even in Hollywood, with the ones you mentioned. then there's Mel Gibson. Never even charged him with anything and they have tapes of him repetively threatening and harassing the mother of his child. But Paris Hilton couldn't go anywhere without someone trying to bust her for something. I wrote a blog about it at the time. To me, it was a witch hunt. Those girls didn't physically abuse anyone. They partied.

 

 

Anyway, poster of this thread, it's one of those things where I'd have to see you in action to know what's going on. Don't you have a female friend or a male friend who you can ask to please be truthful and not mince words and tell you what your fatal flaw with talking to women is? Of course, be sure you have a modern haircut that you keep trimmed and stay well groomed, and update your clothing and don't just get some and wear it until it falls off. If you think you aren't dressing well, go to a nice department store and call ahead of time and ask who would be good to advise you on choosing a couple of outfits. Then go let them pick out a couple. Even if you think how you dress is acceptable, get an opinion on it. I have a guy friend who has worn the same thing for 40 years, short-sleeved shirt, mostly white background, etc. Boring. Needs to mix it up.

 

I don't see how they'd know about your PTSD if you haven't gone off around them. I used to be jumpy when I had a noncombat form of it. I might jump if someone came up behind me and come off as nervous.

 

It's probably something that comes naturally to you that you'll have to change, some habit or something. Get a good friend to be honest with you about it. Your good friends can tell you where you're messing up if you can convince them you won't be mad about it.

 

It could be anything. Maybe you interrupt when they're talking. Maybe you are too self-deprecating. Never do that. Once you say something about yourself that's bad, people believe it. It serves no purpose. You said you weren't bragging, so taking your word for that. Hopefully, you aren't acting too eager or pushing drinks on them or whatever. Ask a friend and good luck.

[Chilli]

Tbh ,most of them out there dating around wouldn't know what intuition is their life and love life is usually disastrous you find out as you go so l wouldn't worry about that one l think it must be a myth or some shyt.

But holy hell , that's quite a list of achievements you got there l feel tired just reading it haha.

 

You obviously would need a rare women , like yourself, you gotta wait for rare women, they take time to appear and it's not very often and you have to spot her when she does , for you maybe once or twice in a lifetime, not just anyone, forget it , won't gell won't work.

Don't worry my women is rare too just in different ways to what you need.

 

As far as talking to them , mixing , sorry but it sounds like one of your studies or a list you tick off.

lf someone asked me what l said to a women l'd say fk me how the hell would l know, whatever, yet l've rarely been single in my life and get along with girls really well.

l think you just gotta loosen up , right up , and throw that damn list out the window, burn it.

Just be with them , let it roll , have fun, you'd be amazed, everyone every situation, person, is different let it happen/

 

Good luck anyway.

Edited May 30, 2018 by Chilli

[gone_girl]

Could it be that you're paying too much attention to yourself out of anxiety? You are asking the ladies questions and look confident, but are you really engaged? Do you even feel engaged around them? Do you feel like you're having fun or could you guys have had more chemistry?

[sprotz]

 

I hope that someone can provide some sort of insight into this problem. I don’t want to die alone.

 

I am far worse than you. I grew up in isolation from females, I have never touched or cuddled a girl, never kissed, never talked to a girl for more than 30 minutes, I have no degree and can't go back to University yet. It seems certain that I will never get a girlfriend.

My chances of things getting better have gone from slim to none. At least I am not a virgin, but I only did it 3 times, with hookers.

 

My experience suggests that there is something about you that girls don't seem to like. I would suggest finding a girl from a country where girls are naturally very friendly and much more accepting of any kind of guys.

[bathtub-row]

Marry me!!

 

Ok. It’s hard to say what’s going on. You sound great. I agree with what someone else said - hire a dating coach and get some first hand info.

[LuckyM]

It is not always true at that girls are treated harsher by their parents and are more disciplined. That's what they want us to think. That they are the victims.

 

Not true for me and so many other guys I know. I was disciplined for everything and even things I did not do. Guilty all the time! Much physical and mental abuse...

It really depends on the parents, their own upbringing, knowledge of children, and culture. You cannot generalize unless you have some real studies that have been done.

 

This naturally leads to lower self esteem and probably difficulty forming and keeping relationships for everyone---unless you get lucky. I call myself LuckyM

but not for this reason.

 

Please avoid reading too much into my message.