Damaged to such a point

[mortensorchid]

I have posted in the recent past that my self esteem is at its all time low. I have no confidence in myself in anything anymore. Why? I can sight a few instances:

 

1) Sat down and told how s***** I am - I asked a friend to be a reference in my job search about three years ago, he said he wanted to meet with me and we'd talk about that. I thought that was strange but agreed to meet, he said if someone were to ask me what he thought of me he said I have a lot of talent but I was entitled, sighted many things I had done/said in the past that were not appropriate or bad, I better mind my Ps and Qs and straiten up. He asked how I felt after hearing that, that was very heavy to hear. I said I don't know, and I went home and cried for a few hours. He hates me, I decided, I am s***. He wrote me an email about six months later saying he was concerned I heard his criticisms not his praise, I can come back anytime I want to. You may argue with this that he didn't say that I am/was s***, but that's what I heard.

 

2) Dating rejection - I had a thing for someone a while back, I made a real donkey out of myself and then asked him once I wasn't working there anymore, and then he texted back "I am not interested in you romantically". I never spoke a word to him again, I had some dignity and walked away from him after that. But for some reason that really cut me to the core. It made me think what a fool I was to not just have a crush on someone, but to have them reject me was the culmination of so many disappointments and hurts and rejections past, for some reason it was there. I decided then and there I would never attempt again. I have had a few encounters here and there but they are just encounters, not relationship material. And I recently decided I will not date anymore, no one wants me and I don't feel wanted by anyone.

 

3) Career whoas - I don't want to get into it, but being a teacher is very hard with all the hardships I have had to endure. Abuse by students, parents, other teachers, and administration. I am exhausted but not giving up that someday, somehow it will happen.

 

And sometimes I sit and cry, but I don't let others see it. That's what this forum is for.

[Happy Lemming]

As far as job references... Here is what I did when I was employed. (I recently retired)

 

When I left a company, I would ask for a letter of recommendation. I would keep the original in my home file. I've collected several letters over the years from various companies I worked at.

 

When I applied at a new company and they asked for references. My standard line was Company A is out of business, but I've made you a copy of my letter of recommendation for your review. Company B may be out of business as they were in dire straights when I left, here is a copy of their letter. As for Company C, my direct supervisor no longer works there, but she wrote this letter of recommendation before she left, here is a copy.

 

I'm wondering if your previous supervisors may be more willing to write a letter of recommendation vs. answering a phone call and having to have a direct conversation with your future employer.

 

Just a thought.

[mortensorchid]

People tell me not to let these things get to me, but they did and I am damaged because of it. I feel like I am just a punching bag for everyone and anyone to take things out on. And I am very stand offish with others because of my hurt feelings / status. Everyone says it's not a big deal, just roll with rejections and it happens to everyone. Yes, to be sure, but ... I feel like I don't have much left in me to be resilient anymore.

 

I have been beaten down, but I don't feel like getting up for it anymore. I must resign myself to certain things. Some dreams are ... Not going to be mine I must realize.

[Happy Lemming]

People tell me not to let these things get to me, but they did and I am damaged because of it. I feel like I am just a punching bag for everyone and anyone to take things out on.

 

I can somewhat empathize... Someone will say something negative or mean to me and it will hit a nerve, then it gets "stuck in my craw". I just can't let it go. I'll lose sleep over it and it will just plain irritate me for an inordinate amount of time. "Punching bag" is the perfect term for it. I wish I knew how to let those unimportant things go, but alas I don't.

 

I have been beaten down, but I don't feel like getting up for it anymore. I must resign myself to certain things. Some dreams are ... Not going to be mine I must realize.

 

Accepting one's "lot in life" is a sign of maturity. Personally, I've given up on certain dreams and tried to be happy with what I have and what paths I took my life. I guess my only advice is to be happy with what you do have.

[Romantic_Antics]

Well you're from Northeast Ohio, which means you're probably a Cleveland Browns fan, so it's no wonder you're feeling downtrodden.

 

I'm sorry you're at such a low point in your life right now. You might want to consider talking to a professional about it to help you navigate these rough waters and get you to a place where the sailing is a little smoother.

 

I'm curious about a few things:

 

Do you think the negative things that your friend pointed out were the result of you already being in a bad place? Where you were doing and saying things that you wouldn't have if you were happier, more secure, and had higher self-esteem? And is this the possible culprit behind you "making a donkey out of yourself" - or did you literally get down on all fours and start hee-hawing?

 

As for your job, and based on the way you talked about it, you sound very unhappy there and that can't be helping you. All of this might be creating a vicious cycle. Have you considered changing careers?

[Chilli]

Sorry your feeling all this it's not nice we all have highs and lows and kicks believe me it's not only you.

The friends reference ahhh, l'd take it with a grain of salt he did say you were very talented, that's a big thing. But the rest , maybe ya do let a bit loose with p's and q's maybe you do come across a bit entitled , l mean it's not big shyt really we al have a bit of this and that.

The donkey knock back ahhh, who hasn't made a donkey outa themselves over th opposite sex hell even presidents do that and who hasn't been knocked back , couldn't name one person if truth be really known.

The job well , l've got 6 sisters and 4 of them are teachers. l don't talk to them much especially about teaching bc all they do is fkg complain and we all think l've heard it 100 times well why did you become am effg teacher then l don;t wanna know. My job has heaps of downsides but if they were worse than upsides l'd change jobs.

One of the sisters uses humor with all the teaching crap seems to work for her.

l'd say what l'd say to anyone even myself that hates their job ior moans about it - change jobs,

Another one quit l remember yrs ago. She was in a rough school and hated all the crap, she does some office thing now.

 

l think your being way too hard on yourself yaknow, all this stuff happens to everyone. Ya don't wanna know what l've been through in the last 6 yrs and l don't even wanna go there.

 

l think humor helps a lot yaknow , because htere's so much bs in life it really is a joke half the time..

Edited May 30, 2018 by Chilli

[lana-banana]

MO, I remember when you posted about both of these incidents. In the first case, that was an instructor trying to help you see how your actions might be perceived by others; in the second, a man was being direct but still professional. Don't get me wrong, these things can hurt so much it's shocking, but you are ultimately responsible for choosing to interpret them as attacks on you personally.

 

I think it might be worth your time to go back to your dojo. He did invite you back, after all, and seemed genuinely interested in helping you out. Have you given any more thought to what he actually said about why he didn't want to recommend you for a job and not just "he thinks I'm a garbage person"? He had real insight for you, but it sounds like you just heard an insult.

[mortensorchid]

MO, I remember when you posted about both of these incidents. In the first case, that was an instructor trying to help you see how your actions might be perceived by others; in the second, a man was being direct but still professional. Don't get me wrong, these things can hurt so much it's shocking, but you are ultimately responsible for choosing to interpret them as attacks on you personally.

 

I think it might be worth your time to go back to your dojo. He did invite you back, after all, and seemed genuinely interested in helping you out. Have you given any more thought to what he actually said about why he didn't want to recommend you for a job and not just "he thinks I'm a garbage person"? He had real insight for you, but it sounds like you just heard an insult.

 

Yes, I have. It's beyond that. I accept the fact that I am not wanted anymore in either place, but I think it goes further into who I really am. Which is a subpar human, I'm not worth much. And no one wants me either as a part of their organization or as their friend or whatever else. He just reached out to me to make him look like a good guy. I know where/when I am not wanted, and it seems to be by a lot of people. So I will just stay to myself from now on.

[Kamille]

You're citing two examples when you asked for and received direct feedback.

 

It's never easy hearing what others think of you, especially if your self-esteem is already shaken.

 

Your coworker actually gave you constructive feedback. I know it's hard to see - but he meant well. Instead of declining to write you a reference without explanation or, worst, writing you a poor reference, he took the time to give you feedback. You don't have to agree with everything he said, but you can use it to assess your strengths and see what else you could work on to improve at work. It's perhaps hard to see because you felt like he was saying you were "****". But is there anything in what he said that you can use to improve at work?

 

Dating rejection sucks. But again it sounds like you're over-interpreting it. I'm sure it's happened to you that someone perfectly nice and cute was into you but for whatever reason, you didn't reciprocate the feeling. It happens. A lot.

 

Are you seeing a therapist to help with your feelings of self-worth and your feelings?

[JuneL]

OP: Do you have close friends or family close to you to share your feelings? Just think of those who genuinely care about you.

[mortensorchid]

I think it was a culmination of a lot of things rather than the specifics. I was told to see a shrink but I have no health insurance. I do have friends/family that I can talk to about things but I don't think they can relate to me on all levels. ANd it makes me so angry that I see so many who can do / say anything they want to others (including me), and seem to be so proud of themselves for being so horrible to someone for it.

 

All I can say is that I must continue to live in my little box and not be bothered by anyone else. I can be my own best friend and others are not to be trifled with to be the center of attention.

[Chilli]

Yes, I have. It's beyond that. I accept the fact that I am not wanted anymore in either place, but I think it goes further into who I really am. Which is a subpar human, I'm not worth much. And no one wants me either as a part of their organization or as their friend or whatever else. He just reached out to me to make him look like a good guy. I know where/when I am not wanted, and it seems to be by a lot of people. So I will just stay to myself from now on.

 

 

Really , you shouldn't talk about yourself like that yaknow.

lt's not true and it def; ain't healthy or any good for you.

Always remember the person you truly are and all your qualities and things you know are absolutely spot on about you even if someone else can't see it yaknow.

We have to remember who we are , who we know we are , during bs times yaknow.

 

Or maybe you could just adapt my attitude , l don't giva fk what anyone thinks of me bc l know very few people can see jack shyt and will read everything wrong or bad , that's what people do and l just have to accept that. But l also know who l am and when l'm close to someone they know who l am too and they are who matters to me l don't care about others who can't see.

 

Remember 95% ofr the people around you even our own family , have no clue or just can't and won't see whom we really are.

And there doesn't seem to be a damn thing we can do about it either sooo, why care.

 

Hang in there.

Edited May 31, 2018 by Chilli

[losangelena]

A couple of years ago, I struggled with keeping my anger in check, especially in public, and especially when drinking. I'd had several outbursts, but the worst was a very embarrassing night at a karaoke bar where I flipped off the MC and yelled at some fellow patrons, all to the chagrin of a group of my friends.

 

They all reacted differently—some thought it was quite funny, while some were mortified. My best friend encouraged me to send an apology email to everyone, which I did. Most came back and said, "oh don't worry about it, it's cool," but one friend wrote a rather lengthy reply, and the gist of it was that he was dismayed by my behavior, concerned, but ultimately no longer surprised. It stung to read that. I felt like a dog with a tail between its legs (he'd witnessed several situations over several months).

 

At first, I was quite mad and indignant that he would say anything that wasn't 100% supportive, but after a while, I began to take to heart what he'd said. I realized that my outbursts alienated people, and that I didn't want to be known as "the angry one," so I became more mindful of my actions and made the effort to control my anger and deal with my temper in productive ways. My relationship with that particular friend has never been 100% the same since then, but I see that as a consequence to my actions, and I think what he chose to say to me was quite brave, because it takes balls to speak uncomfortable truth to someone.

 

I know it's hard, but it might do you some good to truly consider the feedback your friend had for you. "I'm a garbage person" is not a fair an accurate conclusion. Not only does it not help you, it twists what was I'm sure good intentions on your friend's part. Uninvested people, or someone that hates you, will not take the time or energy to give you honest, sensitive feedback. That typically only happens when there is a great deal of care for the other person, actually. If your friend hated you, he would have avoided you or brushed you off. He did quite the contrary.

 

Sometimes growing requires us to confront some uncomfortable truths about ourselves. Don't shy away from that by writing yourself off.