Social Skill Set

[Mysterio]

Form 7 to 47. I have always been able to make and maintain friendships. I don't know why that is.

 

For Romantic relationships. For the most part they happen sparadicly at best.

 

When you get to a certain timeframe in your life you can see patterns. For example. I have lost a lot of weight with intermitten fasting. Nothing else has worked as well as IF.

 

So for you all. I wonder if being in a romantic relationship is more of the following. It just falls into your lap. Or you are able to go out and seek it with a skill set to getting your romantic prospect to view you that way. Or is it just physical looks.

 

If I had to boil it down to why I am not in a romantic relationship. I find the women around me lack a sweet caring nature about them. Not all, but most seem cold and aloof.

 

So I wonder why the friendship thing for me is in abundance and the Love thing is more of a fight.

 

Anyways. I keep reading a lot of us here are struggling. Some of us have no problems. Some of us are still struggling to just have a romantic connection. My buddy SA had been with his wife from 1988 to 2017 and married since 1997. Thy split in Jan 2017. They are now split. He has a new GF since Summer of 2017 or so.

 

I since 1989 have been in 10 relationships with women and if I add up other romantic prospects. Its at least 30 women. I have 5 women friends. At this point. I and others that have a similar life arc. Should it not be easy to find or create a romantic spark.

 

Looks are subjective. I don't think its my looks/personality that are a problem. Perhaps its just universal appeal is hard in the romantic context, vs the friendship context. After a while. What are the relevance of physical looks baring on a romantic relationship. Its more about how one is treated, unless the both parties or one, really don't make an effort anymore.

[Mysterio]

I wanted to add another factor. When I see a woman which is for me basically anyone from 27 to 67 or so. With obviously a younger slant. I look at the physical= In shape and I more focus on the face. Personality wise I have to feel warmth and sweetness towards me in some way Also the ability for her to engage me in conversation as well.

[basil67]

The women who you find cold and aloof.....Are they women who are actively interested in you? Or are they women who you're approaching who aren't interested? It's just that when I was single, I'd be very warm to men who I was interested in, but rather cool to those who I don't want to encourage.

[Mysterio]

The women that I aproch vary. When I look back on my past. Some women for me was more about the looks. Now its how I am treated when I interact with them.

 

Cold and Aloof to me = when I interact with you. There is no major conversation back to me. Especially if your not doing anything at the moment. There is no engaging conversation between us when we interact. I do also find approching women in a romantic context odd in my head.

 

I think that my buddy SA. Although he was married and now going thru a divorce. He has better instincts when it comes to women and sleeping with them. Its not like I think he is better than me or anything. I have better instincts when it comes to friends. I was just at the movies with a male friend that I met at the bar last August.

 

I always seem to get more romantic attention, when I don't really seek it as much. Never when its on my mind. I like having conversation, than saying to a woman you look sexy or some stupid line like that. With SA. He goes straight for the sex. I doubt he tries to get to know them well.

 

There is a woman at the health store when I go that I fancy right now. I guess as always I have to make a move and ask her out. Except right away I have to get off the table if she is attached. Getting that out of the way in my inquiry of her status, has always been awkard for me.

Edited May 30, 2018 by Mysterio

[Chilli]

Looks have nothing to do with anything but the way people go on on forums the whole world must be 10s or their out.

That ain't reality baby , just sit in any mall or busy street and watch the couples. Maybe 5% of them are 1/2 something to look at the rest are just human. l'm always reminding people of this, dunno why they need it l really don't.

 

But anyway your great with friends , wow, good for you. l've never held friends , usually with great friends one of us moves away, happened my whole life.

Yet l'm single just now for the first time since l was 15 really, think l'm older than you.

We all have our ares and yours is great friends and your lucky , really, that's a great gift to have. Wish you could teach me how to have great friends. well apart from one of us moving.

 

But man , that list of relationships is pretty scary that's a lot. shyt.

l don't think your choosing your just giving anyone ago. You gotta choose and be fussy before you let anything start otherwise don't waste your time. She's gotta be special , really really special. You might even say day one to yourself l wanna marry her, l did with my wife.

That's the one you start a relationship with especially now at this age or you just waste more years and before ya know it your 105.

Doesn't mean ya will marry her but if that's what you want , serious, long term or forever,then you should at least think you'd like to from day one. So keep ya eye out for her is my thoughts the rest keep walkin.

 

As far as making it happen , l've always wondered. l've been lucky and just tripped over the two most important women in my life.

But This old guy told me his story once . his wife died. He said he knew straight away he didn't wanna be single so straight away he was into new wife mode and , he got remarried about 4yrs later. Said he did everything he could to find his new wife like got involved in things even put the word out around his friends, sooo, dunno. Worked for him.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 30, 2018 by Chilli

[carhill]

Form 7 to 47. I have always been able to make and maintain friendships. I don't know why that is.

Yup, with men and women both; married and single.

 

For Romantic relationships. For the most part they happen sporadically at best.

Yup, only happen with focused and concerted efforts and expense.

 

 

So for you all. I wonder if being in a romantic relationship is more of the following. It just falls into your lap.

Nope, never. Ever. At all. Even with the few women who've demonstrably found me attractive over the decades.

Or you are able to go out and seek it with a skill set to getting your romantic prospect to view you that way

Combination of putting all those social skills which grow and maintain friendships with obvious and out there sexual desire and aggressiveness.

Or is it just physical looks.

Might be for some but not for me. I'm the brother or friend look. Not the lover look. Plenty of data on that one.

If I had to boil it down to why I am not in a romantic relationship. I find the women around me lack a sweet caring nature about them. Not all, but most seem cold and aloof.

IME, the main failure point in the past has been not so much those things but plain old self-involvement. Long ago, back in my 20's, I came up with a saying that their world is small and they fill it completely. No room for me or anyone else in it. Met a lot of those in life, both married and single. The married ones I really empathized with their husbands. What a burden.

 

So I wonder why the friendship thing for me is in abundance and the Love thing is more of a fight.

No idea. Some people are just better at romantic human relations than others. They seem to know how to meld transactional dynamics with appearances and what I used to term 'smooth talk'. I've watched enough guys talk a woman right out of her pants to form up general guidelines. I know I'm lousy at that. Or managing their emotions in a relationship or marriage. The successful guys are pros at that stuff.

 

Anyways. I keep reading a lot of us here are struggling. Some of us have no problems. Some of us are still struggling to just have a romantic connection. My buddy SA had been with his wife from 1988 to 2017 and married since 1997. Thy split in Jan 2017. They are now split. He has a new GF since Summer of 2017 or so

One factor to consider is the aura of a person who rarely is alone and prefers being coupled all the time. It's simply different. Some people bend that preference into a marked fear and that signaling can attract partners who want to be 'needed' as much as 'wanted'. Hard to quantify but it seems real enough. Some of the MW's I've been around have shared such marked fears and their suitor list, while married, is impressive. The few who've pulled the D trigger never failed to be in a new relationship almost immediately and long before being divorced. Sounds like your friend is like that, replacing his spouse before the divorce is done. Little alone time. It's signals. Want. Need. Desire. Some people are more aware of how they signal than others. It is what it is. Edited May 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alphamale]

So I wonder why the friendship thing for me is in abundance and the Love thing is more of a fight.

 

because you're a nice guy Mysterio

[salparadise]

Perhaps its just universal appeal is hard in the romantic context, vs the friendship context. After a while. What are the relevance of physical looks baring on a romantic relationship. Its more about how one is treated...

 

It's a mysterious formula for sure. One thing I've read, and observation seems to confirm, is that men who grew up with older sisters tend to have an integrated, intuitive understanding of the female psyche and how to gracefully slide right past the barriers to romancing them effectively.

 

Looks matter, of course. If a woman is very attractive, social, and projects both a sensual and virtuous aura, she will naturally be more selective. That part is just the economics of mate selection. But, the charm factor affects a person's attractiveness quotient too. Looks only need to be in the range of parity, and after that it's all about the connection a guy is able to create.

 

I don't have that innate ability. Looks have not been much of a problem. In my younger days, and still to a lesser degree, women were initially attracted, but then I'd often fail at the romantic connectivity aspect. I seem to give off the friendly vibe, and they're taken aback when I try get touchy-feely or go for the kiss... as if they just wouldn't have expected that from me.

 

I'd love to be able to access the sexuality vibe on demand, like Mysterio's friend. It's not that it never happens, but I'm not in control of it and it seems to depend more on the woman tuning into me. I'm good at chatting up random attractive women... but I'm sure their responsiveness is non-sexual even though they often seem quite effusive.

Edited May 30, 2018 by salparadise

[alphamale]

It's a mysterious formula for sure. One thing I've read, and observation seems to confirm, is that men who grew up with older sisters tend to have an integrated, intuitive understanding of the female psyche and how to gracefully slide right past the barriers to romancing them effectively.

 

Looks matter, of course. If a woman is very attractive, social, and projects both a sensual and virtuous aura, she will naturally be more selective. That part is just the economics of mate selection. But, the charm factor affects a person's attractiveness quotient too. Looks only need to be in the range of parity, and after that it's all about the connection a guy is able to create.

 

I don't have that innate ability. Looks have not been much of a problem. In my younger days, and still to a lesser degree, women were initially attracted, but then I'd often fail at the romantic connectivity aspect. I seem to give off the friendly vibe, and they're taken aback when I try get touchy-feely or go for the kiss... as if they just wouldn't have expected that from me.

 

I'd love to be able to access the sexuality vibe on demand, like Mysterio's friend. It's not that it never happens, but I'm not in control of it and it seems to depend more on the woman tuning into me. I'm good at chatting up random attractive women... but I'm sure their responsiveness is non-sexual even though they often seem quite effusive.

 

excellent analysis salparadise

[Mysterio]

My male friends that are in relationships. To me, except for SA. Most of them had the woman be the ones that made the major move on the men. The women fell into their lap.

 

My Women friends. It feels like they started it with their men for the most part.

 

I have had it happen to me as well. Like I keep saying here. I seem to get more attention when I don't care and not making any major effort. I have my eye on one woman. So I will see what works with the latest girl. I have to ask her out the next time I see her.

[Chilli]

That's funny that your friend just goes straight in for the kill , l wouldn't have thought that works.

l can easily tell if someone wants me from the other side of a room but l've also had confusing times too like anyone else. l've never been interested in just sleeping with women though.

 

l've got 6 sisters and yeah what sal was saying is right but they also showed me what l def' don't want in a women , one that's anything like any of them. Big lesson very early on there.

2 of my brothers though married their friends.

May the Gods have mercy on them

You certainly learn far more than you wanna bloody know growing up with 6of them though believe me triple that adding their friends.

 

That one your eyeing off try just watching her for awhile first , be amazed how much grief you save yourself by just observing from a far first.

[GemmaUK]

My longer and also more successful relationships have been with men who are able to make me feel sexy

It doesn't mean and hasn't meant I'd jump into bed with them right away but if a man doesn't make me feel sexy then he's just a friend and there's not much point in me continuing to date him.

[Chilli]

What so does that mean it had nothing to do with love or the way you get along or that you love everything thing about him and every hair on his head, just about you feeling sexy ?

Just askin .

[thefooloftheyear]

I have lousy(maybe even horrible) social skills, IMO anyway, but always had attention from the opposite sex...always...Sometimes women say they like the outgoing and friendly type with a large circle of friends, but in reality the guys that are most successful with women, IME, tend to be the "lone wolves"...

 

I don't know a whole lot about "demystifying" women(never understood why guys say this-they are just people like us with different body parts)..

 

As for the OP...I have mentioned it in the past...If you are the "buddy" of women that's the kiss of death and the female version of a boner killer...All of my friends(including one of my closest) who have these attributes struggle with women on a romantic level...Seems like those guys never are seen as the type that make women wet or get them excited to be close to in a romantic sense...A lot of these women even surmise these guys are gay-even if they aren't...

 

I don't know what you can do to change it...Personality types aren't easy to change without looking like you are putting on an act...

 

If I were you, OP, I would start by distancing myself from female friends...in hopes that maybe you can start to create a different persona....I really don't know...But if you are struggling for so long, as you say, you can start to connect the dots....

 

.02

 

TFY

[alphamale]

If I were you, OP, I would start by distancing myself from female friends..

 

that's good advice tfoty

[Chilli]

Yep same tfy. l always think fk social skills don't have any anyway and they love me too.

def also go with ditching the female friends too, and besides even if you did get near someone with all those friends the first thing they'll do is start talking about their version of you , and you def' don't want that right then op.

Edited June 1, 2018 by Chilli

[Mysterio]

Lets talk about my female friends.

 

DS is 67. We have an Aunt/Nephew style of friendship. 5-6 time a yr we have Lunch. Talk on the phone 3-4 time a yr for 20 min if something comes up. Thats it.

 

AG is 46. She lives in the States to my Canada. She is married. We talk on the phone 4 times a yr or so. She is like a sister to me.

 

JC I have Lunch with her 4 times a year and thats it pretty much.

 

I have a friend named AM who lives in Australia and DD my x I see her a couple of times a year and thats it.

 

So I am not with a bunch of women and they are messing up things for me. Most of my friends are guys.

[carhill]

OP, based on your age parameters and female friend list I'm guessing you're in your 50's somewhere. IME, it's normal to develop friendships across gender lines as we age. Friendships are rational and usually focused around similar interests and philosophies.

 

However, I can see traction for the advice to pull back from that friendship mindset when refocusing on mating. What I had to do was replace 'get to know' with 'want to have sex' as a thought process to cease giving out that friendship vibe with women. Most of my male friends, the vast majority of them married, had no such issues. They invariably viewed women as potential sexual partners first and spoke of those views often. OTOH, I was a a bit aghast, thinking that was seeing women as meat on a stick. I was wrong and that's why they were married and I was single. Women responded to their thought process, even if not expressed in any crude way. Their social skills trumpeted mating, not planting flowers together. Their wives stuck to them like glue, including forgiving what I viewed as deplorable behavior. Men being men and sometimes acting immaturely like little boys. All part of the irrationality of attraction.

[Mysterio]

I turned 47 on March 11 2018.

[Mysterio]

I guess when I am dating. I have to be more flirty and playful and less chill and relaxed. I just can't see leading off with verbal sexual intentions towards women. I just can't see that getting me laid or her looking at me as a potential BF.

 

As always. Every single GF that I had. They had to tell me that they liked me more than a friend. It was just hanging out. All my male friends with their spouse. The women were the ones for the most part, made things happen.

[carhill]

Push sexual boundaries. It works. Respect 'no', sure, but push. The mindset which impels that is what they respond to, even if no overt acts occur. Your body language changes, there's a gleam in your eye, a bit of a smirk on your face. Remember, mating isn't rational.

 

If you're mentally and physically healthy, at your age you're a lot like women in their 20's were/are, at or near the height of your allure across all age groups. No need to be famous or wealthy, though that doesn't hurt. Enjoy!

[Chilli]

l'm afraid l can't understand how you could not be if your interested in someone.

 

Maybe you block yourself or something , like block your natural feelings and body language toward her , trying to be polite or decent or l don't know.

 

l have no idea how to say it l've never analyzed anything l ever did but, lets just say if your interested in her then for fk sake let the gates open , or she's gonna feel all the wrong stuff, but she needs to know and feel your into her and want her, if she's interested.

 

l dunno , others can probably describe it much better than l can but hopefully it makes some sense but l think your closing that off in yourself.

Edited June 3, 2018 by Chilli