Married, considering divorce, in love with friend

[Bewildered Gee]

I am 15 years married with 3 children. Have been having issues with husband who has voluntarily not been working for the last 5 years. I have been confiding to my male friend who is single. Not sure what have happened but I fell for him fast and hard.

 

I want to get divorce but I am worried about the kids. Not because of my new relationship but because of my husband's failure to fulfill his obligations. I am confused and lost and scared.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

 

Is your H's joblessness the primary marital issue?

 

People confide in friends. Sometimes feelings of intimacy result. What actions have either of you taken so far? How long has the escalation occurred for?

 

IME, it's very rare for OM's to turn into husbands or long-term boyfriends. It does happen, mostly in exit situations. Three children will complicate matters. Most of the married mothers I experienced used that intimacy and attention to get them through their rough spots then discarded me. You perhaps couldn't imagine yourself doing something like that but what you're embarking upon is something you've likely never done in life. Expect surprises.

 

If the marriage is done, bury it and move on. If this friend is still around once that's done, and he should be if your and his feelings are authentic, and you still feel 'in love', then you can grow old together. No rush.

[central]

I want to get divorce but I am worried about the kids. Not because of my new relationship but because of my husband's failure to fulfill his obligations. I am confused and lost and scared.

 

What is the concern? If husband is not contributing, then he's a drag on the marriage and financially. Cutting him loose may improve your situation, and the judge will tell him to get a job and pay child support. Rather than continue with your emotional affair (which may become a physical affair if it hasn't already) is not a solution. The real problem - your deadbeat husband - will still exist.

[MidlifeMama]

I am 15 years married with 3 children. Have been having issues with husband who has voluntarily not been working for the last 5 years. I have been confiding to my male friend who is single. Not sure what have happened but I fell for him fast and hard.

 

I want to get divorce but I am worried about the kids. Not because of my new relationship but because of my husband's failure to fulfill his obligations. I am confused and lost and scared.

 

Is your husband a source of emotional stability to your children? Do you feel they respect him, having not worked? Of course he will likely not be able to fulfill his obligations such as child support as he does not work. Is he on disability?

 

You have been the bread winner so it sounds like you will be able to continue to provide for your family and you'll need to if the husband is un-able and unwilling.

 

If he is a decent man, you'll be able to work out visitation and try to maintain a relationship between your children and their father.

 

I think the connection you are feeling with the friend is very normal. Does he feel the same way? Or are you projecting that he feels this way since he accepted you pouring your heart out to him? Is he ready for a ready-made family? You have to consider that he may not be.

 

It's been said that after a divorce (and you aren't there yet) that you should take some time (a year is recommended) to get to know you and heal before jumping into a relationship. Seems like forever, especially when you are lonely and lost, but in order to work your way through all the emotions and be sure you are healthy and not just wanting to latch onto some sort of connection, then it's a good idea to take your time before heading into a serious relationship.

 

Deal with what's at home first. That may mean seeing a lawyer or getting all of your financial ducks in order. See a counselor, work through some of your stuff that you shared with the friend. I'm not saying you have to end the friendship, but give some space and use a counselor for your issues, instead of him. He will be there if/when you are ready if it's real.

 

Focus on your kids and making sure they are going to be o.k. and figure out your next step if you plan to leave or if you plan to tell your spouse to leave. He is a grown man, so he will need to figure out how to take care of himself.

 

It's easy to get caught up with someone else when they start to show interest and you can pour your heart out. I'd say be cautious. You're in a vulnerable place right now and need to deal with one thing at a time.

[somanymistakes]

I am 15 years married with 3 children. Have been having issues with husband who has voluntarily not been working for the last 5 years. I have been confiding to my male friend who is single. Not sure what have happened but I fell for him fast and hard.

 

This is a normal thing to happen if you lean too hard for emotional support on someone who may be attractive to you. It's why people warn about 'emotional affairs'.

 

It doesn't make you a terrible person, but it also doesn't mean that this is true love that will transcend all bounds. It means that you're vulnerable and needy right now and your heart has latched on hard to a potential source of comfort. Be cautious.

 

I want to get divorce but I am worried about the kids. Not because of my new relationship but because of my husband's failure to fulfill his obligations. I am confused and lost and scared.

 

Realise that if you are the breadwinner, in many jurisdictions YOU will be required to pay alimony and child support to your husband after a divorce. Do not expect that a divorce is suddenly going to make him turn into a provider.

 

If you're in a location that isn't deeply sexist he will not be treated as a deadbeat, but as a stay-at-home parent.

 

If he is voluntarily unemployed the courts will usually decree that he "should" be able to earn at least minimum wage and count that as his income. If your income is substantially higher than that, you will probably be ordered to pay him support.

 

Custody again depends on where you live. If you are in a 50/50 jurisdiction, he will have the kids half the time and again you will be expected to pay child support if you are the higher earner.

 

If your marriage is just in a rut, you may find it a better solution to try and patch things up with your husband and push him back into work than to go through the strain of a divorce. Have you talked to your husband about what your problems actually are?

[d0nnivain]

Take this "friend" out of the equation. If he didn't exist & you didn't have a place to land after you left your husband, would you still want out? If yes, get a divorce. If no or you are unsure, tell your husband that his failure to contribute is giving you a wandering eye & a desire to get a divorce but that you would prefer that you two work things out. First step -- he gets an income.

[Fugu]

I am 15 years married with 3 children. Have been having issues with husband who has voluntarily not been working for the last 5 years. I have been confiding to my male friend who is single. Not sure what have happened but I fell for him fast and hard.

 

I want to get divorce but I am worried about the kids. Not because of my new relationship but because of my husband's failure to fulfill his obligations. I am confused and lost and scared.

 

 

Assuming this is a change in behavior and that he was working regularly or semi-regularly before, not working for 5 years sounds like depression or something like it. Maybe your H needs professional help.

[Bewildered Gee]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm trying to deal with the finances right now. I'm still in a limbo but I really appreciate you all taking the time. I'm just thankful that I found this site to pour out my sentiments and express my confusions and be able to hear really sincere advice and thoughts.