Why can't people be liked for who they are

[Imajerk17]

Well then why put all that on your profile if you don't want to chat about it? Honestly what am I expected to talk about then?

 

 

I'd have thought talking about ones job is perfectly normal, seems not, I asked her about how she finds teaching and go vague answers. I then asked why she choose to get into teaching and more vague answers.

 

But....given here were at least a couple directions you could have talked about your date being a teacher.

 

Look over the suggestions that you were given, versus your question about the state of education in SA, and try to notice the difference. As @OatsAndHall already pointed out: You want to be thinking of questions that are fun to answer, ZA. I mean, even if your date did go into a diatribe about the state of education, do you think that would have been enjoyable for her? Would that have made her feel more emotionally connected to you? [No it would not.]

 

Meanwhile, this is where GammaUK's suggestions for more detail on your dates is especially helpful. In general though, if your date is already giving vague answers and not doing her part to help the conversation along, it tends to mean that she has already disengaged. More detail may help pinpoint where the disengagement happened.

 

Meanwhile what was asked earlier. Are you noticing the woman's emotional state along the way?

 

Meanwhile, if you are meeting only for coffee and you sense you are the only one putting energy into the interaction after say a half-hour, then there is no point continuing, and you can save some dignity and wrap it up yourself. "Hey look, I do need to get going but thanks for coming out"

[ZA Dater]

Asking someone about their job is one thing. Asking them about the politically charged environment surrounding their job is an entirely different subject entirely. And, asking someone about their job can be hit or miss as well because you never know if they've had a sh-t day at work and are going out on a date to get away from it.

 

 

 

This is why you lead in with simple, fun conversation starters such as "So, tell me about -insert her name-." Or, "How'd the day treat you?" Give the conversation some room to go somewhere.. Don't narrow it down to specific topics.. People's profiles are nothing more than attention grabbers. The interests that they post up there are simply there for comparison and not necessarily good conversation topics, particularly on a first date.

 

 

It seems to me as if you are missing the point of dating; to meet someone and enjoy some time together. They're nothing more and nothing less than that.

 

 

 

Yeah, she spent four hours with you but you didn't mention anything about a second date...

 

 

 

I don't enjoy spending time with people who have no opinions, I have even less time for people who don't have ambition and I have the least time for apathetic people. See I can be blunt too.

 

 

I can respect people who are going all out to get somewhere in life, I enjoy spending time with them because there are striving to accomplish something and by doing that they have opinions and passion. I don't care what it is but people need to be passionate about something.

 

 

Mine is red cars from central Italy. I am passionate about world affairs but mostly I am passionate about getting somewhere, accomplishing things.

 

 

Someone who is muddling through life doesn't do it for me at all.

 

 

I actually don't really get the point of meeting up with anyone there isn't some common ground with. Rarely do I find any common ground which is probably why these dates are all so bad, its apples and oranges.

[ZA Dater]

But....given here were at least a couple directions you could have talked about your date being a teacher.

 

Look over the suggestions that you were given, versus your question about the state of education in SA, and try to notice the difference. As @OatsAndHall already pointed out: You want to be thinking of questions that are fun to answer, ZA. I mean, even if your date did go into a diatribe about the state of education, do you think that would have been enjoyable for her? Would that have made her feel more emotionally connected to you? [No it would not.]

 

Meanwhile, this is where GammaUK's suggestions for more detail on your dates is especially helpful. In general though, if your date is already giving vague answers and not doing her part to help the conversation along, it tends to mean that she has already disengaged. More detail may help pinpoint where the disengagement happened.

 

Meanwhile what was asked earlier. Are you noticing the woman's emotional state along the way?

 

Meanwhile, if you are meeting only for coffee and you sense you are the only one putting energy into the interaction after say a half-hour, then there is no point continuing, and you can save some dignity and wrap it up yourself. "Hey look, I do need to get going but thanks for coming out"

 

 

 

Ok I am going to answer this another way and swing it around to dates which did go well.

 

 

What I noticed on them was the following

 

 

: really easy conversation which just flows

: constant eye contact

: perpetual laughing and relaxation of her face (cant explain it any other way)

: the sense she is just focussed on me

: asking me questions

: taking an interest in what I am saying

: talking about growing up and values, experiences

: talking about future plans

: a meaningful two way conversation

: she present a relaxed persona

: conversation turning into banter.

 

 

I have only ever this entire combination once so yes I do take notice but equally I loose interest pretty quickly if it becomes apparent I don't find the person attractive.

 

 

I have wrapped up dates like that before, the mistake I sometimes did was to do dinner dates....no more of those.

 

 

You mention when "she disengaged" what about where I really wasn't interested from he off? Remember most of the dates I went on were for "numbers" reasons and 99.9% of them I wouldn't have bothered to go on because they just didn't do it for me.

[OatsAndHall]

I don't enjoy spending time with people who have no opinions, I have even less time for people who don't have ambition and I have the least time for apathetic people. See I can be blunt too.

 

 

I can respect people who are going all out to get somewhere in life, I enjoy spending time with them because there are striving to accomplish something and by doing that they have opinions and passion. I don't care what it is but people need to be passionate about something.

 

 

Mine is red cars from central Italy. I am passionate about world affairs but mostly I am passionate about getting somewhere, accomplishing things.

 

 

Someone who is muddling through life doesn't do it for me at all.

 

 

I actually don't really get the point of meeting up with anyone there isn't some common ground with. Rarely do I find any common ground which is probably why these dates are all so bad, its apples and oranges.

 

 

Let's take a look at the BIG picture here. You posted a thread on this site, complaining about how people don't accept you for who you. Yet, throughout the majority of your posts, you have explained just how terribly inadequate the women you date are.

 

 

 

To make matters worse, you are getting dating advice from WOMEN yet you argue with them instead of taking heed to what they are saying and possibly learning something. It would behoove you to check what appears to be an exceptionally inflated ego at the door and take some notes.

 

 

But, please, feel free to continue to whine about your terrible dating experiences are (Oh Lord, she didn't want to talk about the how Brexit is going to affect the value of the Euro on a first date!!! She's "muddling through life"!!!) as it's basically becoming comical at this point.

[Imajerk17]

I don't enjoy spending time with people who have no opinions, I have even less time for people who don't have ambition and I have the least time for apathetic people. See I can be blunt too.

 

 

I can respect people who are going all out to get somewhere in life, I enjoy spending time with them because there are striving to accomplish something and by doing that they have opinions and passion. I don't care what it is but people need to be passionate about something.

 

 

Mine is red cars from central Italy. I am passionate about world affairs but mostly I am passionate about getting somewhere, accomplishing things.

 

 

Someone who is muddling through life doesn't do it for me at all.

 

 

I actually don't really get the point of meeting up with anyone there isn't some common ground with. Rarely do I find any common ground which is probably why these dates are all so bad, its apples and oranges.

 

Then if ambition is so important to you, I will ask this question again: Why do you keep setting up dates off Tinder with women who already seem to be not what you are looking for?

 

You are basically picking the WORST avenue you can to meet someone given your preferences. Surely there are executive matchmaking services in SA? Your results cannot be any worse than the ones that you are getting off Tinder. If that doesn't work, there are political associations, young professionals groups, ect....

 

Meanwhile, with all the above said, your dates may be a lot more ambitious than you are giving them credit for. Just because someone doesn't want to get into a political conversation on a first date, certainly doesn't disprove anything.

[Imajerk17]

Ok I am going to answer this another way and swing it around to dates which did go well.

 

 

What I noticed on them was the following

 

 

: really easy conversation which just flows

: constant eye contact

: perpetual laughing and relaxation of her face (cant explain it any other way)

: the sense she is just focussed on me

: asking me questions

: taking an interest in what I am saying

: talking about growing up and values, experiences

: talking about future plans

: a meaningful two way conversation

: she present a relaxed persona

: conversation turning into banter.

 

 

 

OK so you are paying attention to her signals. That is good, and it answers my question.

 

 

 

I have only ever this entire combination once so yes I do take notice but equally I loose interest pretty quickly if it becomes apparent I don't find the person attractive.

 

You mention when "she disengaged" what about where I really wasn't interested from he off? Remember most of the dates I went on were for "numbers" reasons and 99.9% of them I wouldn't have bothered to go on because they just didn't do it for me.

 

OK so she sensed YOU weren't interested and so she followed your lead and disengaged immediately herself. I must admit, I cannot blame her.

 

You have complained about your dates being judgmental towards you, but are you aware of how judgmental you are coming across towards your dates? So instead of making it a point to learn more about this person in front of you and how to connect with women in general you are stuck in an awkward coffee, interviewing them as if you were a hiring manager, wasting both their time and yours. And around and round and round in circles we keep on going. If only you were more open-minded meeting up!

Edited July 14, 2018 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

OK so you are paying attention to her signals. That is good, and it answers my question.

 

 

 

 

OK so she sensed YOU weren't interested and so she followed your lead and disengaged immediately herself. I must admit, I cannot blame her.

 

You have complained about your dates being judgmental towards you, but are you aware of how judgmental you are coming across towards your dates? So instead of making it a point to learn more about this person in front of you and how to connect with women in general you are stuck in an awkward coffee, interviewing them as if you were a hiring manager, wasting both their time and yours. And around and round and round in circles we keep on going. If only you were more open-minded meeting up!

 

 

To what exactly? There was one last year, we arranged a second date she then cancelled it. She had potential she had most of what I like but me not drinking turned out to be a deal killer for her. In hindsight I would have done a lot differently on that date, its probably the closest I ever got to some intimacy.

 

 

I knew I liked her when I met her, that the thing I know very quickly whether I like the person or not.

 

 

Yes I would agree tinder isn't ideal but plenty of people seem to do ok from it, OLD sites don't really work and match makers, well I'd need to write half a book on my experience with those, suffice to say I lump them into the same category I reserve for dating coaches and therapists.

 

 

All I am asking is for people to have something to say, be passionate about something, its hard to connect with people who don't have some sort of passion for something.

[Imajerk17]

To what exactly? There was one last year, we arranged a second date she then cancelled it. She had potential she had most of what I like but me not drinking turned out to be a deal killer for her. In hindsight I would have done a lot differently on that date, its probably the closest I ever got to some intimacy.

 

 

I knew I liked her when I met her, that the thing I know very quickly whether I like the person or not.

 

 

Yes I would agree tinder isn't ideal but plenty of people seem to do ok from it, OLD sites don't really work and match makers, well I'd need to write half a book on my experience with those, suffice to say I lump them into the same category I reserve for dating coaches and therapists.

 

 

All I am asking is for people to have something to say, be passionate about something, its hard to connect with people who don't have some sort of passion for something.

 

Well, but in many cases your dates probably DO have a passion for something, you are just not getting to see that (lack of connection, for reasons discussed the past couple pages)

 

I will ask this again: What are you willing to change in the way you are approaching dating. What you are doing now is clearly not working for you. And blaming all of your dates for this isn't going to help you.

[Chilli]

Here , when l was on the date site back when , there were piles of women wanting someone ambitious and often talked about how they were themselves.

And piles and piles of women loving in depth convos , or often talking about their views of all kinds of stuff right there on their page.

Obviously you would start with highly educated, business owners, a few degrees, teachers they'll talk anyone's head off, well my 6 sisters will anyway. They usually mentioned any of this on their page too on my site.

 

l dunno anything about the tinders and others but mine was just an ordinary date site , free too no less. But going from just that one alone , l dunno how you couldn't find more than enough to keep you goin 2oyrs just from that one site.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Chilli

[GemmaUK]

I can respect people who are going all out to get somewhere in life, I enjoy spending time with them because there are striving to accomplish something and by doing that they have opinions and passion. I don't care what it is but people need to be passionate about something.

 

 

Mine is red cars from central Italy. I am passionate about world affairs but mostly I am passionate about getting somewhere, accomplishing things.

 

 

Someone who is muddling through life doesn't do it for me at all.

 

But you are exactly what you don't want.

Why would a woman who is doing everything possible to succeed in life want to date you?

A massive part of doing everything possible is SELF GROWTH.

Realising that if something isn't working and realising that you are the common denominator of that there is something to change about you.

You consistently CHOOSE not to change or make any lasting changes.

 

You argue ALL and ANY suggestions in terms of self growth.

On occasion you post that you'll try this or that and then in the next - no way no how and I going to do anything.

 

IMAJ's question above - in his last post - I would very much like to know your answer to it.

 

We are, as he said, going round and round in circles. You are CHOOSING to go round and round in circles and you're muddling your way through dating and social awareness making best efforts to avoid any changes which could help you if you were to let yourself be open minded about them.

 

There's a whole much bigger issue here though.

When a woman has a relationship with a man, She doesn't want to have to be his mother, therapist, nor the one who needs to guide him through general day to day life and dealing with people as a couple. The thing is, any woman you date - yeah, you may get 'that connection with her, she may be single and want to date you but dating and relationships involve other people also - friends, family, waiters, shop staff and anyone the two of you come into contact with.

Are you going to take away some suggestions, do some self growth, practise social skills to be a guy who can handle things himself adequately (at the very least) or, will it be all on her to look after you?

[ZA Dater]

But you are exactly what you don't want.

Why would a woman who is doing everything possible to succeed in life want to date you?

A massive part of doing everything possible is SELF GROWTH.

Realising that if something isn't working and realising that you are the common denominator of that there is something to change about you.

You consistently CHOOSE not to change or make any lasting changes.

 

You argue ALL and ANY suggestions in terms of self growth.

On occasion you post that you'll try this or that and then in the next - no way no how and I going to do anything.

 

IMAJ's question above - in his last post - I would very much like to know your answer to it.

 

We are, as he said, going round and round in circles. You are CHOOSING to go round and round in circles and you're muddling your way through dating and social awareness making best efforts to avoid any changes which could help you if you were to let yourself be open minded about them.

 

There's a whole much bigger issue here though.

When a woman has a relationship with a man, She doesn't want to have to be his mother, therapist, nor the one who needs to guide him through general day to day life and dealing with people as a couple. The thing is, any woman you date - yeah, you may get 'that connection with her, she may be single and want to date you but dating and relationships involve other people also - friends, family, waiters, shop staff and anyone the two of you come into contact with.

Are you going to take away some suggestions, do some self growth, practise social skills to be a guy who can handle things himself adequately (at the very least) or, will it be all on her to look after you?

 

 

Does not warrant a reply. Suffice to say I wouldn't be able to do much if I couldn't handle myself, frankly I handle myself a heck of a lot better than those that go out and drink themselves into oblivion, even if that are taking the blond home and I am not.

 

 

Seeing as you don't know how I deal with waiters you cannot even pass judgement and I am not sure why you think you do?

 

 

You make me sound inept with again isn't true but you keep telling yourself whatever you want.

[ZA Dater]

Well, but in many cases your dates probably DO have a passion for something, you are just not getting to see that (lack of connection, for reasons discussed the past couple pages)

 

I will ask this again: What are you willing to change in the way you are approaching dating. What you are doing now is clearly not working for you. And blaming all of your dates for this isn't going to help you.

 

 

 

Maybe I must just do what every other guy does, trick, manipulate, lie, and spin a whole load of BS. Except I wont do any of those things.

 

 

Seeing as I cannot even meet anyone I like I guess that's a problem.

[GemmaUK]

Seeing as I cannot even meet anyone I like I guess that's a problem.

 

So I and another suggested trying out getting involved in protest rallies, young business groups - that kind of thing.

Protest rallies would be great - someone passionate about teaching and lack of political infrastructure.

Young business groups (suggested by Junel I think it was?) - those who spend their free time also to work - talk business, business issues.

The serious conversations you so desire.

 

I do not think you are inept, you tell us that you are unable to connect and that people have said you are cold. I am going on what you have said.

I think you are ept - and have it in you - if you gave things a chance to a wider degree - not just with women who are in relationships whom you do click with.

Remember, these woman are in relationships so will be more open because they aren't looking to date. It's 'safe' if you will.

 

We are being honest but so want to see good things happen for you.

The posts people have made on this thread alone have been perceptive and really thought out - I have been surprised by a few.....

I know that people have read, absorbed and rather than just post a reply have maybe left it a day or so - thought about you during their day and only then come back to post. This is what I do, often.

People are taking time and thought to help.

 

Anger and frustration I understand and you are angry with me.

That's OK. Take a breath my friend.

[ZA Dater]

So I and another suggested trying out getting involved in protest rallies, young business groups - that kind of thing.

Protest rallies would be great - someone passionate about teaching and lack of political infrastructure.

Young business groups (suggested by Junel I think it was?) - those who spend their free time also to work - talk business, business issues.

The serious conversations you so desire.

 

I do not think you are inept, you tell us that you are unable to connect and that people have said you are cold. I am going on what you have said.

I think you are ept - and have it in you - if you gave things a chance to a wider degree - not just with women who are in relationships whom you do click with.

Remember, these woman are in relationships so will be more open because they aren't looking to date. It's 'safe' if you will.

 

We are being honest but so want to see good things happen for you.

The posts people have made on this thread alone have been perceptive and really thought out - I have been surprised by a few.....

I know that people have read, absorbed and rather than just post a reply have maybe left it a day or so - thought about you during their day and only then come back to post. This is what I do, often.

People are taking time and thought to help.

 

Anger and frustration I understand and you are angry with me.

That's OK. Take a breath my friend.

 

Please google protest rallys in SA and honestly tell me how they are suitable for me?

[GemmaUK]

Please google protest rallys in SA and honestly tell me how they are suitable for me?

 

Done.

Please google action/discussion groups to know that not everyone is violent.

Google 'peaceful protest'.

 

Sorry, I thought you would have twigged that.

[JuneL]

Done.

Please google action/discussion groups to know that not everyone is violent.

Google 'peaceful protest'.

 

Sorry, I thought you would have twigged that.

 

Let me preempt the OP: “I don’t have time.”

 

That’s his answer for not joining/starting a meetup group for intellectual discussions.

[GemmaUK]

Let me preempt the OP: “I don’t have time.”

 

That’s his answer for not joining/starting a meetup group for intellectual discussions.

 

With respect, I have more faith in ZA than that.

 

I googled and understood his last reply to me.

I'll wait for his reply.

[Imajerk17]

Does not warrant a reply. Suffice to say I wouldn't be able to do much if I couldn't handle myself, frankly I handle myself a heck of a lot better than those that go out and drink themselves into oblivion, even if that are taking the blond home and I am not.

 

 

Seeing as you don't know how I deal with waiters you cannot even pass judgement and I am not sure why you think you do?

 

 

You make me sound inept with again isn't true but you keep telling yourself whatever you want.

 

I also do not think you are socially inept or anything of the sort OP. You had to have had *something* to get to where you are now career-wise for one thing.

 

I do think instead you are unwilling (but not UNABLE) to make adjustments that would improve your dating life.

 

I will ask my question again: What are you willing to do to improve your dating life? Every suggestion you have been given here has (to the best of my knowledge anyway) been batted down.

[ZA Dater]

With respect, I have more faith in ZA than that.

 

I googled and understood his last reply to me.

I'll wait for his reply.

 

 

 

I really don't have the inclination nor the time to expand on SA politics but suffice to say its an avenue I wont go into. The reasons are quite obvious.

 

 

What would be helpful is this. What do I need to actually achieve on a date? H was all over me, which was nice but she had consumed about a bottle and a half of wine, I wanted to see her again, she set up a date and promptly never responded again.

 

 

I thought getting a second date on paper was an achievement. K, well every meeting with her is essentially a date, even if it isn't, why because I am just me, a better version of me but me nonetheless. I pretty much know I wont be rejected and for what its worth we talk quite openly about relationships, she knows I haven't had any.

 

 

But when I go out with some random person from where ever, what should I do doing, assume I don't like the person? It seems there is noting to be gained from those sorts of dates but equally if I didn't go on them I wouldn't date at all.

 

 

I am a guy, I see someone pretty and my mind goes there but my mind also says "unlikely" and mostly that's because I can never find any sort of confidence. Give me a presentation to do for a group, no problem at all. Ask me to public speak, no problem. Ask me to talk to someone pretty, well its very difficult and the odd time I have done this its never been a fantastic conversation and I curse myself afterwards because I know I can do better.

 

 

Someone asked what changes and I have spent a few hours thinking about this, I'd have to go back 10 years to fix most of this but even then in hindsight students who don't drink don't really fit in anyway.

 

 

If I could do a bucket list of changes, it would have been to make more friends when I was younger, or at least try to. Take some of the better dating "experience" opportunities offered back then because once I started working those opportunities vanished. I regret a few of the dates I went on since then, perhaps 3 or 4 were genuinely promising, I regret not making a better attempt when K was single.

 

 

As a person I wouldn't change anything, my principles are set and while I will weigh up a situation on merit I am unlikely to change those to fit in. I do wish I was less shy, I do wish I could summon up more confidence and I do wish people saw me as being more attractive.

 

 

I know I am a good person and despite what Gemma may say I know I function pretty well, treat people well (especially waiting staff) and when people need me I am there for them. I just wish the things I am good at counted a bit more and I could attract better people than I do. Having said that I understand the downsides and don't hold that against people, its normal, people want to drink, they want that and someone who doesn't do it is a deal killer. Unfortunately I saw at a young age the devastating effects of alcohol.

 

 

I understand not being conventionally fun, having few friends and a very limited social life is seen as a red flag.

 

 

In short I understand why people don't want me but even if I forced myself to do those thing I would still be passed over. The number of great lunches, the events, it doesn't matter, those things will always kill my chances stone dead.

 

 

Some people just miss the boat at certain things and for me I suspect this boat sailed about 5 years ago.

[ZA Dater]

So I and another suggested trying out getting involved in protest rallies, young business groups - that kind of thing.

Protest rallies would be great - someone passionate about teaching and lack of political infrastructure.

Young business groups (suggested by Junel I think it was?) - those who spend their free time also to work - talk business, business issues.

The serious conversations you so desire.

 

I do not think you are inept, you tell us that you are unable to connect and that people have said you are cold. I am going on what you have said.

I think you are ept - and have it in you - if you gave things a chance to a wider degree - not just with women who are in relationships whom you do click with.

Remember, these woman are in relationships so will be more open because they aren't looking to date. It's 'safe' if you will.

 

We are being honest but so want to see good things happen for you.

The posts people have made on this thread alone have been perceptive and really thought out - I have been surprised by a few.....

I know that people have read, absorbed and rather than just post a reply have maybe left it a day or so - thought about you during their day and only then come back to post. This is what I do, often.

People are taking time and thought to help.

 

Anger and frustration I understand and you are angry with me.

That's OK. Take a breath my friend.

 

 

I wasn't going to add this here but for full disclosure I will. A few years ago I met a student, a struggling student at a coffee shop, no idea why she zoned in on shy me but turned out she was shy too. Absolutely stunning, every single guy in the room was looking at her.

 

 

Anyway we did this arrangement thing where I helped her with her studies and we did coffees and dinners, nothing else. It was lovely because she asked me about me, I asked about her and it just worked. She made me feel special, spending time with her was an event. A simple thing like shopping was fun and interesting.

 

 

I have always chased replica's of the good experiences I have had, she was incredible in many ways and I saw her a fair bit before she moved overseas.

 

 

Of course I will attract the disapproving "eyes" of the forum but I do the good Samaritan thing more often than you might think considering the apparently rather adverse opinions towards me.

 

 

Disclosure number 2, I always push my luck with people who are taken, nothing ventured nothing gained. Why because I am not really risking anything at all, nothing to loose potentially a lot to gain. I can see the disapproving posts already!

 

 

The solution for me is to find someone who is actually prepared to actually look past the bad and yes I need to actually like the person!

[Imajerk17]

I for one don't think that there is only one ship that has already sailed away and left you stuck on the island for good, ZA. I DO think instead that the port is on the other side of the island---but despite this being pointed out to you again and again you keep insisting on not going there.

 

It is astounding to me how you seem have no desire on learning how to relate better to your dates in front of you who don't live up to your (narrow-minded) expectations. It's such a shame too, these dates would be giving you great chances to develop your personality and even get experience kissing/getting physical. These dates also could show you some things about themselves if you had a more open mind.

 

I also think when it comes to your standards you contradict yourself--see below.

 

 

What would be helpful is this. What do I need to actually achieve on a date? H was all over me, which was nice but she had consumed about a bottle and a half of wine, I wanted to see her again, she set up a date and promptly never responded again.

In light of all your other posts I'm confused why you even wanted to see H again in the first place, aren't you against heavy drinkers?

 

This happening (H vanishing) is hardly a mystery why though. She wanted to get physical and when you didn't make a move after she was all over you, she didn't see the point in the 2nd date and chances are she felt really embarrassed the next day. [OR maybe H was just a hot mess at that time and she felt humiliated by how she acted. But you were still interested anyway...maybe your screening mechanisms aren't as true as you think they are?] H isn't going to spell this all out to you though. And so she just vanished.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

I for one don't think that there is only one ship that has already sailed away and left you stuck on the island for good, ZA. I DO think instead that the port is on the other side of the island---but despite this being pointed out to you again and again you keep insisting on not going there.

 

It is astounding to me how you seem have no desire on learning how to relate better to your dates in front of you who don't live up to your (narrow-minded) expectations. It's such a shame too, these dates would be giving you great chances to develop your personality and even get experience kissing/getting physical. These dates also could show you some things about themselves if you had a more open mind.

 

I also think when it comes to your standards you contradict yourself--see below.

 

 

In light of all your other posts I'm confused why you even wanted to see H again in the first place, aren't you against heavy drinkers?

 

This happening (H vanishing) is hardly a mystery why though. She wanted to get physical and when you didn't make a move after she was all over you, she didn't see the point in the 2nd date and chances are she felt really embarrassed the next day. [OR maybe H was just a hot mess at that time and she felt humiliated by how she acted. But you were still interested anyway...maybe your screening mechanisms aren't as true as you think they are?] H isn't going to spell this all out to you though. And so she just vanished.

 

 

 

What you aren't getting is most, being 99.9% of dates I don't find attractive, I go, well in the hope there is something attractive about them.

 

 

If it was a case of me actually going on dates with people I found attractive it would be a different matter.

 

 

Again I think if someone makes a commitment to go on a second date, Id have thought they would stick to that.

 

 

So yes if I was going out with people I found interesting and wanted to go out with then it would be worth while but you tell me how enthusiastic you would be with someone you didn't really want to go out with to begin with.

 

 

Id honestly rather be friends with people I like than trying stomach dating people I don't really like.

[JuneL]

Let me preempt the OP: “I don’t have time.”

 

That’s his answer for not joining/starting a meetup group for intellectual discussions.

 

Actual response:

 

“I really don't have the inclination nor the time to expand on SA politics but suffice to say its an avenue I wont go into. The reasons are quite obvious.”

 

See, when you asked the teacher on a first meet the broad question of what she thought about the current state of education, she gave you a much more polite and appropriate answer, instead of saying “I don’t have the inclination nor time to expand on SA education.”

[Imajerk17]

What you aren't getting is most, being 99.9% of dates I don't find attractive, I go, well in the hope there is something attractive about them.

 

 

If it was a case of me actually going on dates with people I found attractive it would be a different matter.

 

 

Again I think if someone makes a commitment to go on a second date, Id have thought they would stick to that.

 

 

So yes if I was going out with people I found interesting and wanted to go out with then it would be worth while but you tell me how enthusiastic you would be with someone you didn't really want to go out with to begin with.

 

 

Id honestly rather be friends with people I like than trying stomach dating people I don't really like.

 

1. That you don't find 99.9% of your dates attractive, I believe that is on you OP. Most other people can at least have an enjoyable evening with a good percentage of their dates even if they don't see a future with them. That you are not drawing your dates out so you don't see anything interesting about them, is sadly, what actually is likely happening.

 

2. Left unanswered is, given your standards, the question of what you found about H worthy of a second date. If I had such an unpleasant first date with someone [see 1. above] then I sure as hell would NOT want a second date! [Already discussed in the last post #408 was why H vanished on you.]

 

3. Still left unanswered (again) is why you don't screen your dates out better, given what you wrote above.

 

4. Yet another question left unanswered (again) is how you plan on changing your approach.

 

 

 

I am not trying to be mean OP, I AM trying to get you to realize that you are your own worst enemy. And if you take responsibility, you can change your results.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

1. That you don't find 99.9% of your dates attractive, I believe that is on you OP. Most other people can at least have an enjoyable evening with a good percentage of their dates even if they don't see a future with them. That you are not drawing your dates out so you don't see anything interesting about them, is sadly, what actually is likely happening.

 

2. Left unanswered is, given your standards, the question of what you found about H worthy of a second date. If I had such an unpleasant first date with someone [see 1. above] then I sure as hell would NOT want a second date! [Already discussed in the last post #408 was why H vanished on you.]

 

3. Still left unanswered (again) is why you don't screen your dates out better, given what you wrote above.

 

4. Yet another question left unanswered (again) is how you plan on changing your approach.

 

 

 

I am not trying to be mean OP, I AM trying to get you to realize that you are your own worst enemy. And if you take responsibility, you can change your results.

 

If I screened my dates according to what I like I'd never go on a date. I am ok to compromise to an extent hence H.