Why can't people be liked for who they are

[5x5]

I'll type out the whole transcript for you.

 

Waiting...

[basil67]

I understand very well where you're coming from but I highly doubt anyone is going to come up to your face and call you a sheep. There's just so many interesting things I've found out regarding people who have a hard time fitting in. They're not bad people at all... just the opposite, actually. Again there's so much research available, and difficult to describe in these LS comment boxes.

 

No, they probably wouldn't call *me* a sheep. But if they broadly said that people are sheep, the message is the same.

 

I read once that when it comes to those who don't fit in, the Americans seek a diagnosis and the English call them eccentric and make a BBC program about them.

[ZA Dater]

Sure, give me a heads up once you've typed it up.

 

 

 

Some background she is 24 and while not the sort of look I would normally go for me there was something about interesting and different about her. One of her profile pictures is fairly provocative. Her profile also mentioned 420 which is a big no no for me but I thought ok lets.

 

 

Amazingly we matched (Tinder) and started chatting.

 

 

Me: Hi S, how is your day going, nice to meet you.

Her: Hey, I am good thanks and you, yeh nice to meet you too (wink)

Me: I see you have a cat in your profile, what is his or her name? Have you had a good weekend so far

Her: Its been pretty good and yours? His name is Ewok.

Me: Mine has been good, though went cycling yesterday and got caught in this monster rain story, which was fun! PS his name is cool like yours.

Her: Ah I see, hope you didn't get too cold. Haha, than you, wink.

Me: I see we are fairly close to each other, I live in ABC and no I didn't get too cold was decently layered but still froze a bit

Her: Ah shame. Oh and nice area we are super close, so what are your hobbies.

Me: I like outdoors, I write bit and am currently working on a novel, I run a car club and I attempt to try keep fit!

Me: Amazing tattoo by the way in your second pic.

Her: Thank you.

Me: What are your hobbies?

Her: I like horse riding and my mom trains horses in ABC area.

Me: That's a very scenic location.

Me: You look very pretty too!

Her: Why thank you, so do you

Me: Well I try, I'd want to get to know you, perhaps in detail.

Her: And me about you!

Me: What you up to?

Her: Not much I am going to chill today

Me: Would you like to chill with me, depending on how soon you want to get to know me.

 

 

Needless to say the conversation died right there.

[Pandoramix]

heyman,

 

I am reading your intro and this last post. You are pretty much me 5 years ago. except for that in Prague we do not have giant cockroach spaceship flying over our heads... Or wait, was it Johannesburg?

 

Anyway, about that Tinder:

a) You are inviting her much too soon. Give it some time, see if she is into you. Talk to her in several occasions, if she likes, she will reply. If not, you would never get her anyway.

b) Personally, I would not rely much on Tinder and above all I would not make my self image impression based on online dating. You are just another prawn from hundreds and hundreds other prawns messaging her and you even don't know if she is into relationship or just fooling around. To me online dating is kinda waste of time but whatever floats your boat.

 

Third, about that intro... Do you have some introduction of ye? Because what you wrote can be interpreted billions different ways, so I first need to know smt. more about ya.

[ZA Dater]

heyman,

 

I am reading your intro and this last post. You are pretty much me 5 years ago. except for that in Prague we do not have giant cockroach spaceship flying over our heads... Or wait, was it Johannesburg?

 

Anyway, about that Tinder:

a) You are inviting her much too soon. Give it some time, see if she is into you. Talk to her in several occasions, if she likes, she will reply. If not, you would never get her anyway.

b) Personally, I would not rely much on Tinder and above all I would not make my self image impression based on online dating. You are just another prawn from hundreds and hundreds other prawns messaging her and you even don't know if she is into relationship or just fooling around. To me online dating is kinda waste of time but whatever floats your boat.

 

Third, about that intro... Do you have some introduction of ye? Because what you wrote can be interpreted billions different ways, so I first need to know smt. more about ya.

 

 

 

Well Prague is on my list of places to visit, as much for its apparently natural beauty as for the apparently beautiful ladies who live there!

 

 

I have an introduction in profile.

 

 

I don't really have much game so OLD is pretty much the only option I have and yes I agree with your assessment of it.

[Pandoramix]

yop, as would say my friend Croatian: Picka is good

 

Anyway, before I scold you like a little sorry puppy ... How old are you and what do you call "old"?

[JuneL]

Personally, I think the last line comes off as someone with a weak personality; to be honest, it even gives off a bit of a creepy vibe.

[BaileyB]

Just curious OP, what do you think went wrong? What would you do differently next time?

[Pandoramix]

 

I don't really have much game so OLD is pretty much the only option I have and yes I agree with your assessment of it.

 

 

Heyman, you can't possibly be serious about this! No normal, decent woman ever will date a guy who think himself of trash and dates only those he perceives as trash! I am telling you, this way you don't stand a chance!

 

I was just like you last year. Except for the fact I did not try to date anyone. I am working on myself - sports, education, working on career, clothing, style... Over years you can turn into decent man and women will notice it. Problem is you inner feeling of self worth. I understand that as long some woman won't make you feel worthy man, you will not find it withing yourself alone... I understand that. That's why I started dancing... These women don't know me, don't know how I think but at least see something in me... and that counts for me a lot . Maybe one day I will find enough courage to think myself as equal to them .

 

I'd suggest you similar path

[Normm]

Your wording is somewhat awkward. You say she's pretty, she says you're pretty, and you say "Me: Well I try, I'd want to get to know you, perhaps in detail". What does that even mean? You try to look pretty? Do you wear lipstick and mascara or something? Then you follow up with something completely unrelated about "wanting to get to know her in detail". That's just weird, serves no purpose, sounds somewhat desperate- and doesn't need to be said at all. Just get to know her, don't TELL her you want to get to know her "in detail".

 

She probably read that line and starting to think "this guy isn't right". Then comes the last liner last line which was obviously the dealbreaker since she went dark after that.

 

You might just as well have replaced what you said with "Do you think that maybe possibly you would consider going on a date with me?".

 

Most women prefer confident guys, it's instinctive, they want to be protected they don't want a guy who hides between their legs and sticks their heads out and makes faces at the bully knowing they are safe.

 

Next time do things differently. Don't be so quick to want to meet - give it a couple of days, be cool and laid back, have several more exchanges including a telephone call or two so that you both know more about the person you're going to meet. Otherwise you come across as desperate to meet someone - anyone who will talk to you- in addition to lacking confidence.

 

Then, when the time is right, you say something like "Let's meet for lunch at xxy place in town at 6 pm, does that work for you?". It sends a much better message.

 

Or you can read my post that is overflowing with good advice and say "That won't work for me because I prefer to be honest, and I want to meet her right away and I don't play the game of waiting a few days because it's not me and if she doesn't like me for who I am which is an honest guy that doesn't have a lot of confidence then I'll just have to accept that".

Edited June 18, 2018 by Normm

[BaileyB]

Your last line was obviously the dealbreaker since she went dark after that.

 

You might as well have replaced what you said with "Do you think that maybe possibly you want to go on a date with me?".

 

It could also be interpreted as "how long will it take before you will want to get naked with me?"

 

At best, it was a socially awkward way to ask her to meet that showed OP's insecurity. At worst, it was perceived as an invitation to "chill" and have sex. It's not surprising that she shut the conversation down.

[Normm]

ZA if you read the 2 preceding posts and just don't understand or agree, I'll gently suggest that you won't ever be able to figure this out on your own. You simply don't have the experience or perspective, and you can't know that what you say and do is perceived as weird by others unless you have some real life guidance.

 

That's what dating coaches and therapists are for. They can vary widely in competence and ability. Just because you might have spoken to 1 or 2 and were not impressed doesn't mean that's the end of the road. I know you have already decided that "dating coach is not for me". You just might want to reconsider if you ever expect to have any form of success bringing some of these first exchanges to a first meet up and possibly a second date.

[ZA Dater]

Your wording is somewhat awkward. You say she's pretty, she says you're pretty, and you say "Me: Well I try, I'd want to get to know you, perhaps in detail". What does that even mean? You try to look pretty? Do you wear lipstick and mascara or something? Then you follow up with something completely unrelated about "wanting to get to know her in detail". That's just weird, serves no purpose, sounds somewhat desperate- and doesn't need to be said at all. Just get to know her, don't TELL her you want to get to know her "in detail".

 

She probably read that line and starting to think "this guy isn't right". Then comes the last liner last line which was obviously the dealbreaker since she went dark after that.

 

You might just as well have replaced what you said with "Do you think that maybe possibly you would consider going on a date with me?".

 

Most women prefer confident guys, it's instinctive, they want to be protected they don't want a guy who hides between their legs and sticks their heads out and makes faces at the bully knowing they are safe.

 

Next time do things differently. Don't be so quick to want to meet - give it a couple of days, be cool and laid back, have several more exchanges including a telephone call or two so that you both know more about the person you're going to meet. Otherwise you come across as desperate to meet someone - anyone who will talk to you- in addition to lacking confidence.

 

Then, when the time is right, you say something like "Let's meet for lunch at xxy place in town at 6 pm, does that work for you?". It sends a much better message.

 

Or you can read my post that is overflowing with good advice and say "That won't work for me because I prefer to be honest, and I want to meet her right away and I don't play the game of waiting a few days because it's not me and if she doesn't like me for who I am which is an honest guy that doesn't have a lot of confidence then I'll just have to accept that".

 

 

 

I am really not interested in dragging conversations out for days, some of the advice I have received here in the past was to meet people as quickly as possible to see if you actually get on with them because a text does not show expression of how one speaks, among other things. Now you tell me I must somehow draw a conversation out for days?

 

 

Which is it? Meet up soon or drag something out? It cant be both so pray tell which is the 'right way".....

 

 

I use the words I do to try and actually get people to think, that's just what I do, it keeps me entertained if nothing else. Again its about giving myself some sort of challenge, as stupid as it might seem. Someone would have latched onto 'detail" and asked to elaborate on that. Its an innocent word.

 

 

Its the same with "try to" its an invitation to ask a question which never came, being "oh what do you do".

 

 

You can at least see why I need a very specific sort of person....and yes your posts is good advice but I still confused meet soon or wait days by which stage there is nothing to talk about as I would have exhausts all the small talk..

[ZA Dater]

Just curious OP, what do you think went wrong? What would you do differently next time?

 

 

 

It was at best a chance so I didn't expect too much from it, so that it didn't work or more come of it is simply water off a ducks back.

[MidwestUSA]

The problem is pretty obvious. You asked her to 'chill' for a first date.

 

I'm aware you don't enjoy going out, or taking someone 'on dates', but how do you think she read that offer? I know, I know, Tinder is an alleged hookup site, but it's probably better to assume there are some NOT looking to hook up right off the bat.

 

I'd have let that convo die too. I'm all for being asked out sooner versus later, but she took your offer for exactly what it sounds like.

 

 

Edit, sorry - I skimmed past Basil's reply. I see this has already been covered.

 

So honestly, OP, you don't see this? It jumps off the page to me.

Edited June 18, 2018 by MidwestUSA

[Imajerk17]

Some background she is 24 and while not the sort of look I would normally go for me there was something about interesting and different about her. One of her profile pictures is fairly provocative. Her profile also mentioned 420 which is a big no no for me but I thought ok lets.

 

 

Amazingly we matched (Tinder) and started chatting.

 

 

Me: Hi S, how is your day going, nice to meet you.

Her: Hey, I am good thanks and you, yeh nice to meet you too (wink)

Me: I see you have a cat in your profile, what is his or her name? Have you had a good weekend so far

Her: Its been pretty good and yours? His name is Ewok.

Me: Mine has been good, though went cycling yesterday and got caught in this monster rain story, which was fun! PS his name is cool like yours.

Her: Ah I see, hope you didn't get too cold. Haha, than you, wink.

Me: I see we are fairly close to each other, I live in ABC and no I didn't get too cold was decently layered but still froze a bit

Her: Ah shame. Oh and nice area we are super close, so what are your hobbies.

Me: I like outdoors, I write bit and am currently working on a novel, I run a car club and I attempt to try keep fit!

Me: Amazing tattoo by the way in your second pic.

Her: Thank you.

Me: What are your hobbies?

Her: I like horse riding and my mom trains horses in ABC area.

Me: That's a very scenic location.

Me: You look very pretty too!

Her: Why thank you, so do you

Me: Well I try, I'd want to get to know you, perhaps in detail.

Her: And me about you!

Me: What you up to?

Her: Not much I am going to chill today

Me: Would you like to chill with me, depending on how soon you want to get to know me.

 

Needless to say the conversation died right there.

 

Well, a few thoughts:

 

1. Going into your conversation at least, she actually sounded interested. It was small talk though, which isn't all bad on a first text exchange I suppose. But at some point it needs to lead to flirting more connection. She told you some interesting stuff about herself--she rides horses and her mom trains horses, ect, and you didn't really use that. [Maybe this is how your conversation goes on in-person dates? If so, then it is good that you posted this as it may explain some things.] Complimenting her on her tattoo was great, but I myself would have conveyed curiosity about her tattoo as it would have given insight into her personality.

 

2. I am going to guess that the other regulars reading what I bolded cringed too. You lost the interaction there. Women often do want to meet soon, this woman may even have been down for casual sex, but the way you phrased it made her feel cheap. I understand that you might not have even *meant* casual sex by "chill", but that is how what you said came across (which was bad w no flirting no build-up). And even besides that, it was still a bad way to ask her to meet up. Like someone has nothing to do/no life/too much free time on their hands so they are free to meet up with a complete stranger no banter no connection yet just to "hang out" no specific plan?

 

Next time have a specific plan--meet at xx at yy time.

 

All is not lost though. Text her with "What I meant to say is, let's hang out soon. How does xx at yy sound"

Edited June 18, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Normm]

I am really not interested in dragging conversations out for days

 

ZA you started this thread and most if not all of your others because you are a failure at dating and meeting women. This is not about you "not being interested in dragging conversations out for days" because that's what is necessary for success. Once again you simply dismiss good advice that, if taken and followed may dramatically improve your dating results.

 

some of the advice I have received here in the past was to meet people as quickly as possible to see if you actually get on with them because a text does not show expression of how one speaks, among other things. Now you tell me I must somehow draw a conversation out for days?

 

You're going to get various opinions when you ask a group of random strangers a question but I don't think anyone has advised asking a girl on a date after exchanging nothing more than a handful of text messages. I am clearly not recommending that.

 

I suggest you text back and forth over a few days- and not limit your conversations only to her. In between touching base with her and learning a bit more about her, live your live as usual, continue to look for people on line and off and then, say a few days after the initial exchange, certainly less than a week you suggest meeting up to see if you click.

 

Which is it? Meet up soon or drag something out? It cant be both so pray tell which is the 'right way".....

 

ZA, you have a rather odd interpretation of things that people say to you. If someone says "meet very soon" you think that means after a dozen texts. You need everything clearly spelled out for you. Yes you should meet soon and not drag things out for weeks. Have some back and forth with texts for a few days then dial the damn phone and SPEAK to her for a bit before you suggest meeting up.

 

Our of curiosity- do you EVER speak to a woman on the phone before asking her out for the first time? If not, why not? You said yourself that texts don't always convey the right meanings. How can you possibly know the person is even worth your time if you haven't had a verbal chat?

 

I use the words I do to try and actually get people to think, that's just what I do, it keeps me entertained if nothing else. Again its about giving myself some sort of challenge, as stupid as it might seem. Someone would have latched onto 'detail" and asked to elaborate on that. Its an innocent word.

 

Have fun entertaining yourself while putting potential dating partners to various tests and challenges that will never get you a first (or second date). I know "that's what you do" but they don't like it and they won't like you. The word "detail" in the context you used it is just plain WEIRD. You aren't a teacher, she isn't your student. You can write her off as another stupid person you wouldn't have liked anyway because she didn't elaborate on the word "detail".

 

You can at least see why I need a very specific sort of person

 

The person you need is so specific they probably don't exist on this planet.

 

and yes your posts is good advice but I still confused meet soon or wait days by which stage there is nothing to talk about as I would have exhausts all the small talk..

 

If you think you're going to run out of things to talk about after a few days of back and forth texts and hopefully a few phone conversations- then you've got more serious problems. The small talk isn't supposed to last forever. After the initial pleasantries you start to learn more about the person, delve into deeper, more meaningful issues, and tell them more about yourself and what you're up to. That's how attraction builds, that's how the 2 people get the impression as to whether they share common interests, that sort of thing.

 

Dating is very much like fishing, hence the popular online dating site by that name.

 

You're like the fisherman that goes days, weeks, or months without catching any fish. Then suddenly you've got your hook in the water and the rod starts to jump because there's a fish nibbling at the bait. A good fisherman will just sort of sit tight for a bit, getting that fish more and more interested until it swallows the hook- and then- and only then will the fisherman pull on the rod and probably land the fish. You pull the hook as soon as you've got that first nibble and continue to wonder why the fish doesn't stay on the hook.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Normm

[Pandoramix]

heyman, I am reading how you think and sincerely, I think at the moment you do not stand a chance (again, speaking from personal experience). You are just too stressed, too tensed, too frustrated... I'd sincerely recommend you deal with other life issues first, have some good hobbies, friends, jobs, be happy about yourself, than go and meet women, because this way they will only sense this from you and you will meet failure after failure which will frustrate you even further...

 

My personal recommendation is dance . You can meet women easily, they will need you (because there is few dancers), maybe like you and you can spend time with them without having to prove anything... that will slowly make you comfortable and maybe even confident. After some time (days? weeks? Months?) you can make some first steps and I believe it will go much easier.

 

Best of luck!

[ZA Dater]

ZA you started this thread and most if not all of your others because you are a failure at dating and meeting women. This is not about you "not being interested in dragging conversations out for days" because that's what is necessary for success. Once again you simply dismiss good advice that, if taken and followed may dramatically improve your dating results.

 

 

 

You're going to get various opinions when you ask a group of random strangers a question but I don't think anyone has advised asking a girl on a date after exchanging nothing more than a handful of text messages. I am clearly not recommending that.

 

I suggest you text back and forth over a few days- and not limit your conversations only to her. In between touching base with her and learning a bit more about her, live your live as usual, continue to look for people on line and off and then, say a few days after the initial exchange, certainly less than a week you suggest meeting up to see if you click.

 

 

 

ZA, you have a rather odd interpretation of things that people say to you. If someone says "meet very soon" you think that means after a dozen texts. You need everything clearly spelled out for you. Yes you should meet soon and not drag things out for weeks. Have some back and forth with texts for a few days then dial the damn phone and SPEAK to her for a bit before you suggest meeting up.

 

Our of curiosity- do you EVER speak to a woman on the phone before asking her out for the first time? If not, why not? You said yourself that texts don't always convey the right meanings. How can you possibly know the person is even worth your time if you haven't had a verbal chat?

 

 

 

Have fun entertaining yourself while putting potential dating partners to various tests and challenges that will never get you a first (or second date). I know "that's what you do" but they don't like it and they won't like you. The word "detail" in the context you used it is just plain WEIRD. You aren't a teacher, she isn't your student. You can write her off as another stupid person you wouldn't have liked anyway because she didn't elaborate on the word "detail".

 

 

 

The person you need is so specific they probably don't exist on this planet.

 

 

 

If you think you're going to run out of things to talk about after a few days of back and forth texts and hopefully a few phone conversations- then you've got more serious problems. The small talk isn't supposed to last forever. After the initial pleasantries you start to learn more about the person, delve into deeper, more meaningful issues, and tell them more about yourself and what you're up to. That's how attraction builds, that's how the 2 people get the impression as to whether they share common interests, that sort of thing.

 

Dating is very much like fishing, hence the popular online dating site by that name.

 

You're like the fisherman that goes days, weeks, or months without catching any fish. Then suddenly you've got your hook in the water and the rod starts to jump because there's a fish nibbling at the bait. A good fisherman will just sort of sit tight for a bit, getting that fish more and more interested until it swallows the hook- and then- and only then will the fisherman pull on the rod and probably land the fish. You pull the hook as soon as you've got that first nibble and continue to wonder why the fish doesn't stay on the hook.

 

 

Well exactly I did take advice and that's that I did, seemingly the wrong advice though!

 

 

No I don't because I don't see the purpose in it, what can be gleaned from a telephone call, she can hate my voice, I can hate hers and we talk about what exactly? I have done whatsapp voice notes before though.

 

 

Not really because I just get tired of asking all the questions and getting nothing back, its like sitting at a dinner table and asking for meat and getting crumbs of bread. I told you I like an challenge and that means people actually taking me on and challenging my thinking.

 

 

So I go and tell them I am into corporate finance, mergers and acquisitions and run half a dozen companies. Then what? I get this puzzled expression and then I tell them I review and write about supercars? More puzzled expressions. Ok so I tell them I like world affairs, more puzzled expressions.

 

 

What would you like me to tell them exactly? Perhaps tell them I don't feel the separation of families at the border is humane? Perhaps tell them I want to go to Bora Bora in the next two years?

 

 

Perhaps tell them about the last wine farm lunch I had?

 

 

Do you have any idea what its like to sit and not be stimulated at all, equally do you have any idea what its like to be challenged? I have always liked people who can do this, most of the my childhood was spent on my own with few friends but the ones I had were like me, they challenged me and I did them, we didn't care we didn't fit in but we were respected universally. How did I deal with altercations, not by lifting my fist, no out talking and outsmarting. When someone gets angry you loose perspective and a degree of rationality.

 

 

There is absolutely rarely anything wrong with the people I meet, most have been really nice but that challenge is hardly ever there, I don't know if I am conveying this properly, probably not.

 

 

The last thing I ever want to do is demean someone because as much as it doesn't reflect here I am actually quite sensitive and soft. I'd rather look bad for someone else than them to look bad.

 

 

Its just becoming nearly impossible to meet the people I like and when I do they are never single. Ultimately I will probably need to decide if I can settle for something else or nor.

[BaileyB]

It was at best a chance so I didn't expect too much from it, so that it didn't work or more come of it is simply water off a ducks back.

 

All well and good, but if you don't ask yourself why it didn't work out then there is little chance in gaining any insight which will help you to change your approach such that you will have better success next time...

[Normm]

Well exactly I did take advice and that's that I did, seemingly the wrong advice though!

 

I don't think anyone here was suggesting you ask a potential date out after exchanging only a dozen or so text messages. Either you don't listen or you don't understand. It's your interpretation of the advice that was flawed.

 

No I don't [talk on the phone] because I don't see the purpose in it, what can be gleaned from a telephone call, she can hate my voice, I can hate hers and we talk about what exactly?

 

ZA you have already said that it's difficult to interpret texts properly because there's no tone, or context or whatever. You seriously have to ask what can be gained from speaking to a potential dating partner on the phone? Like you said, if you hate one another's voice you've definitely learned something and what to talk about? Everything under the sun- likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, goals.. the same crap you would talk about on a first date!

 

Not really because I just get tired of asking all the questions and getting nothing back

 

Either you're meeting a bunch of stupid/shy/retarded people who are unable to engage in conversation OR once they meet you they have no interest in conversing with you at all and they just want to get the freak out of there ASAP. Since it happens to you over and over again and it's statistically improbably that you are meeting only stupid/shy/retards the problem appears to be with you.

 

So I go and tell them I am into corporate finance, mergers and acquisitions and run half a dozen companies. Then what? I get this puzzled expression and then I tell them I review and write about supercars? More puzzled expressions. Ok so I tell them I like world affairs, more puzzled expressions.

 

Maybe they're not "puzzled" maybe they're incredulous. I know I would be. I don't believe for a single moment you "run" a half a dozen companies, unless you consider selling junk on Ebay one company and washing your neighbors car another one, and cut another neighbors grass, and run a video gaming forum, and so on. Maybe you're misinterpreting their expressions and confusing disbelief for puzzlement as in "This guy is making zero sense". The odds are, that if all you get on every date in response to your statements is "puzzled expressions" that the problem is.. with you. Seriously, you tell them you run a half a dozen companies.. they think you're feeding them a line of BS and for good reason. Unless you've got a Maserati parked in the lot, which I'm sure you don't.

 

What would you like me to tell them exactly? Perhaps tell them I don't feel the separation of families at the border is humane? Perhaps tell them I want to go to Bora Bora in the next two years?

 

Politics and sex are off the table for the first date or so. Yes you talk about interests and goals and if going to Bora Bora is on your bucket list it would be a good topic of conversation. I bet you could talk all about it and why you want to go there and go on for hours, and yet here you are with nothing to say to anyone either on the phone or in person?

 

Perhaps tell them about the last wine farm lunch I had?

 

Hard to say, on the face of it, it sounds boring but I don't have enough to go on. Lots of times it's in the delivery.

 

 

Do you have any idea what its like to sit and not be stimulated at all

 

I don't but I am willing to bet any girl that's ever dated you does.

 

There is absolutely rarely anything wrong with the people I meet

 

Well there you go. If they're ok, you're not. It's one or the other dude.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Normm

[Imajerk17]

Well exactly I did take advice and that's that I did, seemingly the wrong advice though!

 

 

No I don't because I don't see the purpose in it, what can be gleaned from a telephone call, she can hate my voice, I can hate hers and we talk about what exactly? I have done whatsapp voice notes before though.

 

 

Not really because I just get tired of asking all the questions and getting nothing back, its like sitting at a dinner table and asking for meat and getting crumbs of bread. I told you I like an challenge and that means people actually taking me on and challenging my thinking.

 

So I go and tell them I am into corporate finance, mergers and acquisitions and run half a dozen companies. Then what? I get this puzzled expression and then I tell them I review and write about supercars? More puzzled expressions. Ok so I tell them I like world affairs, more puzzled expressions.

 

 

What would you like me to tell them exactly? Perhaps tell them I don't feel the separation of families at the border is humane? Perhaps tell them I want to go to Bora Bora in the next two years?

 

 

Perhaps tell them about the last wine farm lunch I had?

 

 

Do you have any idea what its like to sit and not be stimulated at all, equally do you have any idea what its like to be challenged? I have always liked people who can do this, most of the my childhood was spent on my own with few friends but the ones I had were like me, they challenged me and I did them, we didn't care we didn't fit in but we were respected universally. How did I deal with altercations, not by lifting my fist, no out talking and outsmarting. When someone gets angry you loose perspective and a degree of rationality.

 

 

There is absolutely rarely anything wrong with the people I meet, most have been really nice but that challenge is hardly ever there, I don't know if I am conveying this properly, probably not.

 

 

The last thing I ever want to do is demean someone because as much as it doesn't reflect here I am actually quite sensitive and soft. I'd rather look bad for someone else than them to look bad.

 

 

Its just becoming nearly impossible to meet the people I like and when I do they are never single. Ultimately I will probably need to decide if I can settle for something else or nor.

 

 

I must admit that the bolded stood out to me. I love reading Motortrend, Car & Driver, and the rest of the magazines. I have watched countless videos of Randy Pobst flogging a terrific car on the track.

 

Anyway, *ahem* steering back on course to the topic, the great writers are extremely adept at letting you know what it is like to drive the car. They are also terrific conveying their energy and enthusiasm onto the reader/viewer. The way they talk in details about steering feel, the way the suspension feels compliant but controlled, how the car digs out of the corners, makes them just a lot of fun to watch. Their joy becomes the viewers' joy.

 

I bring this up because if you were to talk about what you do with enthusiasm and excitement, your dates would respond to you differently. I mean, have you tried talking to your dates about how it feels going 280 (km/hr) in a 720S and you are still being pushed back into your seat? Or the way the 911 GT3 pulls to 9000rpm like it is nothing.

 

But, you have to help your dates out. Most people outside your specific field just have no idea what goes into mergers and acquisitions or what to ask about "corporate finance". Meanwhile, most of us don't get to drive a McLaren or Lotus or top-of-the-line Porsche.

 

*******

Meanwhile the rest of your post outside the bolded reads to me as just your usual (sorry). Another extremely long-winded justification as why you don't like your dates either, and yet here you are again on Tinder, trying again. So it just comes across as Sour Grapes on your part.

 

BTW I did comment on your text exchange. Her not replying back to you may be a mystery to you, but it is quite clear to the rest of us. The good news is that you can change your results if you actually listen this time, instead of refuting and arguing against.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Normm]

^This guy's good

 

Says the same thing as I do but more succinctly.

 

ZA could talk for hours about his car testing and his dates would be riveted to the spot begging for more and anxiously awaiting what he might have in store for them in the bedroom, and yet all that happens is he talks about his job with cars and they look at him with an air of puzzlement and he never hears from them again because either they go dark or he doesn't find that they have anything interesting to add to the conversation because they are at a loss for words.

 

It's all about the delivery. It won't get better on it's own, you need assistance and it's more than you'll get from a handful of helpful internet posters.

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating_coach

 

 

Dating coaches offer coaching and related products and services to improve their clients' success in dating and relationships. Through discussion, role-playing, behavior modeling, and other forms of direction, a dating coach trains clients to meet and attract romantic partners. Dating coaches may focus on topics important to the art of dating: interpersonal skills, flirting, psychology, sociology, compatibility, fashion and recreational activities. As dating coaches are unlicensed, their methods vary widely.

[ZA Dater]

All well and good, but if you don't ask yourself why it didn't work out then there is little chance in gaining any insight which will help you to change your approach such that you will have better success next time...

 

 

 

My approach is what it is really. I don't deny you are right because you are but in the past all I did was over invest myself in these people with no real benefit so now my approach is to invest nothing, if she wants to chat to me great, if not well then so be it. Of course the old argument of what you put in you get out does hold some water here but equally when I am always investing and not getting much then it is perhaps silly to keep investing.

[GemmaUK]

This is what I got

 

Some background she is 24 and while not the sort of look I would normally go for me there was something about interesting and different about her. One of her profile pictures is fairly provocative. Her profile also mentioned 420 which is a big no no for me but I thought ok lets.

420 being a big no no - made me wonder why you mailed her in the first place as that's only going to colour your judgement of her if you had met.

 

Me: Hi S, how is your day going, nice to meet you.

Her: Hey, I am good thanks and you, yeh nice to meet you too (wink)

Me: I see you have a cat in your profile, what is his or her name? Have you had a good weekend so far

Her: Its been pretty good and yours? His name is Ewok.

Me: Mine has been good, though went cycling yesterday and got caught in this monster rain story, which was fun! PS his name is cool like yours.

Her: Ah I see, hope you didn't get too cold. Haha, than you, wink.

Me: I see we are fairly close to each other, I live in ABC and no I didn't get too cold was decently layered but still froze a bit

Her: Ah shame. Oh and nice area we are super close, so what are your hobbies.

Me: I like outdoors, I write bit and am currently working on a novel, I run a car club and I attempt to try keep fit!

Me: Amazing tattoo by the way in your second pic.

Her: Thank you.

Me: What are your hobbies?

Her: I like horse riding and my mom trains horses in ABC area.

Me: That's a very scenic location.

Me: You look very pretty too!

Her: Why thank you, so do you

Within the above there were a lot of things you could have picked up and rolled with conversation wise - Ewoks could have led to a conversation about films, scenic places could have led to a conversation about one of the things you like to do where you go off for a day driving to find places like that. Horses sounds like quite a passion for her and her family too.

All of those things could have extended the conversation out over a longer time period.

This meet quickly thing is something to gauge on a case by case basis - within one to three days but there should always be a phone call before meeting and the meeting quickly thing doesn't mean meeting the very day you've made first contact.

 

Me: Well I try, I'd want to get to know you, perhaps in detail.

Her: And me about you!

Me: What you up to?

Her: Not much I am going to chill today

Me: Would you like to chill with me, depending on how soon you want to get to know me.

For this part I have put myself in her shoes, I'm 24, you're 34, we're on Tinder (a hookup app essentially - or in other words how many people view it) and I don't know you at all.

 

'perhaps in detail.' Crikey! That's creepy! Sounds like you want the chance to get your hands all over me. You saw this as something she should ask about though - well there is no way I would want to ask questions about that and I wouldn't want you to elaborate on it because the only route I can see that going is sexual because I am 24, you are 34, we are on Tinder and I don't know you.

A guy I was chatting with - I would let that go just one time and see if he veered that direction again.

 

'Not much I am going to chill today' This was actually her plan for the day but the way you interpreted that was 'time for me then'. Had she said 'I'm bored, doing nothing, what are you up to?' then you can take up the how about meeting stuff.

 

'Would you like to chill with me, depending on how soon you want to get to know me.'

'Chill with me is not the safest phrase to use these days. Presumably you have heard of Netflix & Chill and that it can be construed in two completely different ways, yes?

 

This part was strike #2 and she cut you off

You actually came over as sexually aggressive and in a real hurry to meet - in context of a 24 year old woman talking to a 34 year old man, on Tinder who don't know each other.