Audit coming Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I live with a woman and we have two little girls. I love our children but do not really like my partner and look for reasons for leaving the relationship. The problem is that I think she got strong traits of HCP. I'm afraid leaving her will result in her to really focus on hurting me and the children. I have learned that revenge and conflict always happens. Even for the slightest reason. Problem solving and looking for best outcome out of bad situations have never happended to my knowledge. Blame everyone else and winning at all costs regardless of factual circumstances is what I learned to live with. And her bosses too. She can get away with it because she is good at her job. She is charming and need to always show a front of perfection. Constant white lies and smiles in public and anger and fits at home. She can brag about our beatiful kids in public but home in everyday life she can't cope with them or with everyday chores or problems. There is so much more context and examples to give but it all boils down to that I can't handle it much longer. Not even for the kids. So... take the fight in court and get accused of all unimaginable things or just endure and secretly hope she finds a lover willing to take her in? I my mind shared custody and minimal contact otherwise look like a good solution but I predict she won't accept anything less then seeing me destroyed. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 My advice is that you shouldn't let anyone emotionally blackmail you. Even if the blackmailer is effectively yourself! Do you really think that if she finds a lover, moves out and files for divorce, she wouldn't still blame everything on you? Of course she would! It will be your fault that she had to! If she wants to blame everything on you then there is no reason, no excuse, no circumstances that will convince her otherwise. There is only one way out of this. Do what's right for you and your kids, and let the dice fall where they will. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 She doesn't sound charming, that's for sure. What is HCP? I would suggest that you get yourself a lawyer, learn your rights with regard to the children and finances. Then, make your decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I'd also like to know what HCP is. Without understanding that I can't give you much info. Do speak to a lawyer about the possible ramifications of whatever you think she's going to pull. A good offense may be your best defense as in you need to dig up dirt on her now. Set up a video camera & provoke a small fight that she will disproportionately escalate. Do it on a night when your kids are out of the house. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 (High Conflict Personality, I think) It's impossible to tell from this little information whether you are completely overblowing the situation and demonising your partner to make yourself feel better about leaving, or whether she is actually dangerous. If you are concerned, begin documenting EVERYTHING. Who takes care of the kids, who does what for them, how frequently she has angry outbursts, etc. Write down what happens AS IT HAPPENS. Keep details. A vague 'well sometimes she snaps at the kids' will probably be ignored. If you can show evidence of bad behavior, evidence that can be mapped to times and places and corroborated, that can make a difference in court. Also, look into the laws about audio recording in your location. If you are concerned about being falsely accused of things, it can be helpful to have a recorder on you when you break the news that you're leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I'd also like to know what HCP is. Without understanding that I can't give you much info. Do speak to a lawyer about the possible ramifications of whatever you think she's going to pull. A good offense may be your best defense as in you need to dig up dirt on her now. Set up a video camera & provoke a small fight that she will disproportionately escalate. Do it on a night when your kids are out of the house. ... don't do this, this can very very much backfire. Provoking things intentionally is exactly what an abuser does. Being caught trying to create scenarios to make her look bad will get you painted as a manipulative narc. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 If this woman behaves as badly as you say, I'm super curious to know why you are with her and why you chose to have two children together? Did you not see the red flags along the way, or did you just chose to ignore them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Audit coming Posted May 31, 2018 Author Share Posted May 31, 2018 If this woman behaves as badly as you say, I'm super curious to know why you are with her and why you chose to have two children together? Did you not see the red flags along the way, or did you just chose to ignore them... When we met we both had recently come out of long relationships and we where getting older (me 40, she 35). I felt lucky finding such a gem still left when all the best ones already where taken. We met when she save my dogs life as a vet. She was charming, good looking and full of energy and felt like good complement to my calmness. She became pregnant really soon after we met and around that time I saw the red flags. Had she not been pregnant we would had split. I hoped her being mean was hormones. Second child came unplanned after the only time we ever had unprotected sex. By now we had invested in house, cars and all that. So I saw the red flags early but felt it was last chance for a family of my own and wanted it badly. I love my little girls so no regrets about them. I know i'm flawed as well but it is not anything like High Conflict Personality (HCP). I'm boring and like routines, I'm don't show emotions and I don't like traveling if it isn't in my head. Maybe we just are a bad match and I provoke her by being me but it is too much drama and abuse in our family and I have given up hope of that changing. I think I understand what the only constructive long term solution is and probably just looking for reasons to dare begin a painful process. Thanks for listening on a scared man who needs to put the mind on paper as a first step. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 What is it, inside of you that makes you scared of her? Where does that come from? Just be a man, find your balls, file for custody, and get out... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wing81 Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Audit, your situations sound very similar to mine. Wife is constantly surrounded by drama and she seem to us that to shut down and avoid responsibility. There is plenty of blame to go around and the self preservation mood of just saying ok isnt working anymore. I am not sure how old the kids are but I am noticing as they become more independent she is starting to respond to them the same way. I have felt things have not been right for a while and journals my experiences, thoughts, and feelings. These have helped confirm things that happened and notice the cycle that continues without any accountability on her side. I also used phone to record arguements in hopes of not getting trapped in a he said she said situation. I have recently started the process for divorce and primary custody of my kids and it has been a huge relieve but their is some guilt as well. Think about what is best for your kids and whether you want them to experience the cycles she has put you through. You can't protect them all the time but you can provide them a safe harbor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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