Open relationship Trial New to this

[Mong1]

So, our story. We have been trying since March to have ourselves working out. We have come across a couple of hickups and argued somewhat, but most issues have been resolved since we read some books on communication.

 

Originally, my wife had asked for permission to be sexually active online with friends and i agreed, thinking it was no big deal (back in March). I started to realize that i was getting jealous and wanted to be involved. My wife wants total privacy to fool around online with a friend ahe has known six years and assures me it will not go on beyond that.

 

I started to get jealous as they talk most mornings after i leave for work for short periods of time and fliet, but nothing happens. This is what she tells me. Weekends she will ask me to leave if i feel okay and she get on with her online fling. I started to get jealous as i felt left out, there is no transparency and she does not want me involved in anyway, or doesnt want me to be introduced to her online lover. I felt like she was starting to ignore me sexually too, because it was never a good time. Rejection fed assumptions for me and i started to disrespect her boundaries with her 100% total privacy and asked questions often. I had asked not to be forgotten and some transparency, my wifes word only.

 

Coming forward, i read some books, and we talked for weeks, and things have settled. We are now at a point where she feels confident in my handeling of things that i have permission too now to go out into the real world where she doesnt it doesnt interest her. I have not done anything yet, i just like the idea of the freedom and will start experimenting soon when i feel ready.

 

Betond that i am just feeling left out still, as what i want from my wife she isnt interested in and doesnt want it. I can reapect this. I feel stuck in this sense and not aure what to do. I want this to feel for me as we are doing this open-relationship together, not just given permission and do it independently. My partner wants 100% seperation between what we do and what shes doing alone and thats the part i struggle with.

 

 

We have quite a considerable difference that we are trying to work out. She considers the privacy as "trust", but will reapond to questions, but there is some doubt my end. Obviously, im human and will weigh up the pros and cons, but theres only so much before assumptions start to kick in and drive feelings. Also, some people have even said im stupid and that my wife is playing me for a fool because of the privacy, shes cheating with permission or doesn't love me as shes having an affair and i don't see it. Im trying to remain in reality and not assume. Yes i trust her, but there is doubt for these reasons.

 

Advise welcome regards, mong

[central]

What stood out was that you feel your sexual connection has waned. That is a real problem, aside from any perceived problems. If it's because of her oniine relationship, then that needs to be discussed and the situation resolved.

 

Anyway, privacy in open relationships is normal. Your activities are mostly completely separate except where they directly affect you. Just as you don't discuss your sex life in detail with others, others you have sex with (real or virtual) have an expectation and right to privacy about theirs. In open relationships, trust is key, and mostly you just need to know about scheduling and any events or discussions that affect you. You do not have a right to details, unless this is your agreement, and it is also okay with your other partners. Communication is still key, though, as you have to stay well connected with your spouse, and maintain your relationship - unless this whole thing is a way to avoid dealing with issues.

 

If you want to continue this exploration, it sounds like it is time for you to put yourself out there and try to meet someone, see where it goes. Once you do, you'll see if your wife is truly okay with this. Right now, it's all about her, but that perspective may change once you are having some success as well. How you both handle that will determine whether the experiment continues - or ends abruptly.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know much about open relationships & I know they aren't for me. The one thing I do know from what little I know is that they don't work if one partner is jealous. Total privacy is also probably a killer because then it's not "open" because it's happening behind your back. It's just cheating without guilt.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think the fact that you put a sad face as your emoticon along with the title of this thread should tell you all you need to know about whether or not you should continue down this path.

[BaileyB]

That was also my first thought... she is looking for permission to cheat with this guy. Perhaps that’s all well and good, if you are looking forward to having your own fun. Otherwise, I don’t see very much in this arrangement for you... and this, the sad face.

[HiCrunchy]

I think the fact that you put a sad face as your emoticon along with the title of this thread should tell you all you need to know about whether or not you should continue down this path.

 

 

Yep. For an open relatinship to work both parites need to be okay. That sad face says otherwise

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

I felt like she was starting to ignore me sexually too, because it was never a good time.

Danger.

 

IMO, open marriages should only be attempted under the healthiest and strongest levels of marital unity and bonding.

 

Regardless, if you're going to proceed with this, agree on some ground rules and boundaries. An example would be online 'sexting' is OK but personal face to face 'sexting' is not. Etc, etc. You jointly decide how things will go. It doesn't have to be tit for tat. Each partner can explore their part of the open relationship in different, agreed-upon, ways.

 

One example I recall with a MW (bi-sexual) was it was agreed upon, she stated, for her to explore same-sex partners but men (she was married to a man) were off-limits. That dynamic could have gone a number of ways based on the desires and agreement of the spouses.

 

What's your goal here?

[Logo]

How long have you two been married?

[Marc878]

Your wife is a cake eater. Next up she'll want to date too.

 

I'd get out of this entanglement.

 

There are other women who are better than what you have.

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't an open relationship. It's an affair happening with your consent because you're afraid to lay down your boundaries and say no, you're not okay with this.

 

It's obvious you didn't want to open the relationship. And it's clear you still aren't happy about it.

 

I think you two need to get into martial counseling immediately because it won't be long until your wife's online affair becomes much, much more.

[Logo]

This isn't an open relationship. It's an affair happening with your consent because you're afraid to lay down your boundaries and say no, you're not okay with this.

 

It's obvious you didn't want to open the relationship. And it's clear you still aren't happy about it.

 

I think you two need to get into martial counseling immediately because it won't be long until your wife's online affair becomes much, much more.

 

 

Not to sound negative, but what are the odds that she would change after counseling?

It seems to me that she is adamant to do her 'thing' online no matter the consequences.

 

He's already voiced reservations about it all to his wife. She doesn't seem to care much. Instead of stopping, she told him he can do the same if he so wished. Clearly, he's not interested in that.

 

Personally, in relationships, I have zero tolerance for people who want to have their cake and **** it, too.

 

If I were married and my wife suggested that, I would say, "No. That doesn't work for me". And if she insisted I would just file for divorce.

 

Why does the guy have to read books about open relationships to try and make sense of it all? He's obviously not comfortable with it.

 

Mong1, it doesn't sound like this arrangement you have with your wife is mutual. She's happy, but are you?

[BettyDraper]

This isn't an open relationship. It's an affair happening with your consent because you're afraid to lay down your boundaries and say no, you're not okay with this.

 

It's obvious you didn't want to open the relationship. And it's clear you still aren't happy about it.

 

I think you two need to get into martial counseling immediately because it won't be long until your wife's online affair becomes much, much more.

 

.....if the affair hasn't become much more already.

 

OP, it's obvious that you are not comfortable with an open relationship.

Be honest with your wife. Seek marriage counseling immediately.