What to think/ ?

[Jack Be Nimble]

Married for almost 20 years...have wonderful healthy children. Wife has tossed out the 'not in love with me' both to myself and to a marriage counselor. Menopause, a loss of a friend and an early affair has brought this on. Question now is my wife is involved in a long distance relationship that was one of many over the last couple years. Her current one makes her feel like a human being as she described it - not being labelled a wife, mother or anything else. Shares so much detail about life, our family and me in a negative light. What the heck should I be feeling/doing? Confused....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, she's having an affair. An emotional affair, but still an affair. You should do what you would do if she were having an actual physical affair close to home. What that is will differ for everyone.

 

Sorry you're dealing with this .

[BaileyB]

Your wife is involved in a long distance relationship with someone that is not you... sharing information about your life together, your family... That would not be acceptable to me.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but you wife may physically be present in your home, but she has emotionally walked out the door. Best to let her go. Push her, if she does not leave.

 

Take care of yourself and your children. Best wishes.

[d0nnivain]

A marriage can only be repaired when both people want to work to fix it. She checked out. If the MC isn't working, you need to talk to a lawyer & find a good divorce support group for yourself.

 

Sorry. Hang in there.

[Jack Be Nimble]

Its a tough call here. Without sounding soft/push over like, marriage has trouble. All marriages do at times. What if she just needs a really good friend that happens to be a man? She's indicated she has feelings for him but as a very very good friend. Again, sounds lame, I know, but what if that is the case and I am damaging things further?

[standtall]

Do the 180 and at least act like you are moving on. Get some new hobbies and friends, work out, lose weight, etc. Any of that pleading, begging, groveling stuff will drive her farther away.

[understand50]

Jack,

 

Who had the early affair? Yourself or your wife? I think this is a bigger impact them you are letting on. In any case you have not really told us much. Certainly, not enough to give a reasoned response.

 

More data, please.

 

I wish you luck...

[Jack Be Nimble]

No grovelling or begging here. And certainly am involved in a number of outside activities and quite busy with the kids. Still under the same roof and apparently working things through albeit she feels cheated to have to give up the relationship if I forced her hand. Explains that if it were a woman she was talking to, I would have no issue. Just seems so easy to toss aside a marriage.

[Jack Be Nimble]

I had the earlier affair.

[BaileyB]

Sure, all marriages have their good times and bad... but a marriage is usually over when one partner turns outside the marriage to a third party. If you think she’s just seeking the support of a “friend,” I would beg to disagree. There is only room for two people in any marriage.

[understand50]

I would think, and from what little you have told us, that you and your wife never worked out you betrayal from that early affair. I wold bet you have not really shown full and total remorse for what you did to her and your marriage. Because of this the bonds of your marriage are lose, and she is looking for a emotional connection outside of the marriage. Your only hope is to start talking things out, and try and reconnect with each other. A good no holds barred talk going over everything, and maybe with an outside counselor would be good. On top of that, work to reconnect. Small things at first, then larger as she accepts you back. This will take time, but if you want your marriage to go on, you will put her first, and let her know you are. It is what both of you should have been doing all along, especially after your affair. Start with date night. One day a week, no questions, no excuses, you do something you both like together. Does not have to be expensive, could be just a walk in the park, but do something together. Make the habit.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Jack Be Nimble]

On the contrary, I've been very remorseful - single biggest mistake I ever made and she, along with family, friends and even our children are aware of that. Having said that, not much I can say to convince anyone here. We did work through it, or at least, it seemed we did so. 3 children after, much happiness. What seems to have been the catalyst for this change is the bringing on of menopause. Emotions from the past, loss of identity and a need to feel loved for who she is without condition. Anyhow, I can ramble on and on - love her, love the family and simply think I have to continue doing exactly what you've proposed (we been doing just that over the last few months). I owe our marriage/relationship just that. For all intents and purposes, our marriage is seemingly good but its the friendship/emotional connection she feels she still needs which maybe, I have the issue with. What do I know - again its not about being a pushover and the general idea is to dump her as most would say. But rekindling, reconnecting and readjusting take time I have no need to leave/go anywhere at this time so here I am!!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd suggest you tell her you have the same expectations she had when you were involved with someone else. And that is, in order to fix and focus on your marriage, contact with the outside party will be cut-off. Isn't that what she wanted at the time?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jack Be Nimble]

Yes, I had to do just that. I left the OW.

 

Easier said than done for her though. As I mentioned earlier; I'll get the I'm trying to control, men and women can be friends, I have the issue, she is a grown woman and can speak to whom she wishes.

[Jack Be Nimble]

She won't even admit its an emotional affair!

[BaileyB]

Yes, I had to do just that. I left the OW.

 

Easier said than done for her though. As I mentioned earlier; I'll get the I'm trying to control, men and women can be friends, I have the issue, she is a grown woman and can speak to whom she wishes.

 

In other words, she is not willing to give you the same respect that you gave her all those years ago.

 

It would seem that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She probably doesn't want to lose the benefits and the security of marriage, but she clearly expects to be able to do whatever she wants to do. And if you dare to question her or put any expectations on her, she gets defensive and turns it back around by telling you that you are being unreasonable. Not cool.

 

And to be clear, in case it comes up... These changes in your wife and your relationship may have happened around the time of menopause, they may be her version of a "mid-life crisis"... But, from a woman's perspective, don't let her explain away her selfish, immature, and disrespectful behavior as a result of menopause - if she tries. To do so would be inaccurate and disrespectful to women. She is responsible for her own behavior. Perhaps, she will own the consequences someday.

Edited May 31, 2018 by BaileyB

[Jack Be Nimble]

Yes, she is very defensive. Really can't have a conversation without her getting very upset. Lots of talk about she doesn't feel like she belongs anywhere.

 

She doesn't use the menopause as an excuse...I merely used it as context to outline a bit about some of the emotional change that has occurred. But she certainly won't admit she is at fault...the blame is on me.

[carhill]

She won't even admit its an emotional affair!

IME they rarely do.

 

Menopause, mid-life crisis, you name it.

 

The guys I've seen ride it out are dead stoic, focus on never divorcing and retaining or growing their social and financial power. Power and lifestyle are, at that age, strong motivators. In the back of her mind the security tape is playing. The long-time H is a known player; affair partner, real or prospective, more nebulous.

 

IMO, stay on point and ride it out. Yep, you stepped out and stayed together. This could end up the classic where the wife forgives the H's sexual dalliance and he the wife's emotional dalliance. IDK. Seen it work that way. Also seen H's forgive EA/PA's. I don't know if I could. Good luck.

[Jack Be Nimble]

I think with the many compartments of life (work, kids, wife, family, friends, fun) I'm not sure how I should look at/deal with this entirely. I can certainly admit some days I feel I should just leave but others I feel that its not such a big deal when life all around is great. Again, its not about being afraid to leave, but a reality check on where our relationship has gone. She has talked about what made her feel isolated and in need of new 'friendship' - albeit she likes to call it just that.

 

After 20 years, 4 children, is it worth just shutting it down? I am quite confident and feel good all around (for the most part...lol). Its uncharted territory for me for sure. Certainly appreciate the comments thus far. Its a day to day thing that will take me somewhere...lol.

[Mr. Lucky]

IMO, stay on point and ride it out. Yep, you stepped out and stayed together. This could end up the classic where the wife forgives the H's sexual dalliance and he the wife's emotional dalliance. IDK. Seen it work that way. Also seen H's forgive EA/PA's. I don't know if I could. Good luck.

 

The OP realized (or was forced to realize) the error of his ways, something his wife either can't or won't do. So while I might be able to work past her EA, the continuance of same after discovery would be harder to deal with. YMMV,

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jack Be Nimble]

And thus what brought me here.

 

'the continuance of same after discovery would be harder to deal with'

The question is should I even accept this so called long distance friendship. Do I have the right to tell her NO? Which then turns into I can't handle male/female friendship albeit she has many male friends.

 

School is over at the end of June so I am riddled with the decision of what to do at that time. I don't want to mess the kids school year so moving out now won't be good with final assignments, exams, etc. But as soon as school ends, do I pull the trigger which gives the kids the summer to adjust. Aarrgghhhh!!

[carhill]

Whatever you do, don't leave the marital home.

 

Scary version is this guy is a fluffer or smokescreen. I've seen these kinds of deals turned around so fast they'll make your head spin and, well, people are indoctrinated into believing women and god bless them for their skills, women are believable. You don't think she'd trot out your past to everyone and dismiss her own deal as an online nothing? Heh, OK. I've seen all sides of this and been the patsy a couple times.

 

Myself I wouldn't risk my family on an online EA but that's me. She's had many, you say, so these men are nobodies and she uses them and replaces them at will. Doesn't sound like attachment to me. Now stuff like I've been in with pressing flesh even without sex, ILY's, deprioritizing the M, etc, and over months to years, that's more serious. I'm not seeing that here based on your recount.

 

I'd stay in it, make myself as attractive as possible and keep having sex. Don't stop that. As often as possible. Keep all that intimacy on the front burner. Yeah, there will be cold shoulders and complaints and other noise. Stick with the program and keep going to MC.

[oldlion]

My first advice to anyone is "never live with a spouse or SO that doesn't love you or someone you do not love". That is a sure recipe for misery. You have several choices.

 

(1) Continue living as you do now and be unhappy.

(2) Separate

(3) Divorce

(4) Declare an open marriage. You do your thing and she does hers.

(5) Tell her you will help her pack her clothes and buy her a ticket so she can go live with him.

 

Have you ask her what she wants? Tell her to spell out exactly what she wants. Then tell her exactly what you want. Don't live in doubt. I do wish you well.

[Marc878]

It is infidelity. One way or the other you need to get out of it. Making excuses doesn't justify a thing.

 

If you can't make a decision you'll just wallow in limbo.

 

Not a place you want to be.

 

Talk won't get you much as you've seen.

[Jack Be Nimble]

To carhill:

Your response is interesting. I've read a few approaches like this. Have you experienced/know someone that has experienced the process of staying to 'win back your wife' so too speak?

 

To Marc878:

I'm not making excuses. Just trying to sort through this process with a cool head. I do agree EA is infidelity which is what hurts.

 

I don't plan on living in doubt, that is certain. Just formulating a plan - one that could include her after serious discussion, transparency and truth (if possible) while the other being leave at the end of June once school ends (for the sake of the children - what is 3 more weeks). With the help of friends, this forum and other reads, I have clarity in terms of path forward.