in law "drama"?

[d0nnivain]

I worry about my mother in law. I have never met anybody like her. She's sweet as pie but naïve as hell. She makes the dumbest decisions, IMO. She lies to get attention & is always complaining that she's sick. She's perfectly healthy. I'm a bit frustrated.

 

So back story: DH & I bought a "retirement" house & she lives in it. She met with the realtor. She picked it out. We paid for it sight unseen. We pay the taxes, insurance, landscaping & upkeep. She pays the utilities. We did this because she retired early with minimal savings & was spending about 90% of her monthly income on housing.

 

Last year I promised her new flooring but then we had an unexpected problem with our house & had to fix that. Hers is cosmetic. Ours involved the heat. The floors had to wait.

 

We just got back from visiting her. I have 3 contractors lined up to come make improvements. She gets design approval, colors, positioning etc. within certain budgets. She resents that there are budgets. For example the flooring we're getting is $1.97 sq. ft. She wanted something that costs $23 sq. ft. Hell no.

 

Anyway I spent some time with my SIL on this trip. We're married to brothers but don't know each other well. She & MIL got in a fight after her wedding. They are slowly repairing things . . .OK SIL is sucking it up for the sake of family harmony & because she & BIL live closest to MIL. They are kind of "boots on the ground" when things go wrong with the house. But SIL has health problems & has been out of work. BIL has been working 2 jobs to make ends meet & that isn't happening. SILs parents have helped out a lot. MIL keeps talking trash about SIL. I understand why SIL is upset.

 

SIL tells me "in confidence" that she's sick of how 2 faced MIL is. According to her, MIL complains about me all the time but was so sweet to my face. I tried to take in stride & explained that I knew when DH & I upset the power / financial dynamic by buying this house, MIL wasn't going to be happy. Apparently MILs biggest complaint is that when DH & I come down, I "act like I own the place." Ahhh, geee . .. I do. I try to be deferential but I demanded a set of keys & to know the codes for the alarm system she had installed. Apparently she feels like me demanding keys is an invasion of her privacy.

 

Do I need to talk to MIL about this or let it slide? DH says not to talk to her because she's just gonna lie to me. Last year when MIL was complaining to everyone about how her "landlord" doesn't fix anything while telling DH & I everything was fine, DH said "Mom, if you hate this house, I can have a for sale sign in the yard within the hour." This time we were in Home Depot buying new doors & she complained that she needed better doors because it was an unsafe neighborhood, DH stopped in his tracks & reminded her it's a very nice neighborhood & she picked it without our input.

 

Part of me thinks I should just keep going what I'm doing, which is leaving it be. What does LS think? I do not know how to deal with an attention seeking hypochondriac who tells white lies to get people to feel sorry for her. Since she's not confronting me & everybody knows that truth I shouldn't be a pot stirrer, right?

[Art_Critic]

Personally I would just let it lie, you guys know what side is up so there is no reason to stir the pot.

 

I also don't think any of what you posted about is out of line except maybe the set of keys deal, and out of line would be a stretch.. unless you have a valid rental contract signed by both parties then really it is her house.. maybe not in ownership but certainly on the face and making her give up the keys and alarm codes I'm sure made her feel unfamily like.

 

But water under the bridge...

[carhill]

Have your husband take care of it. She's his mother. If his style is avoidance then I guess you've got yourself a pickle.

 

Expect that every behavior you currently experience with her will become more exaggerated as she grows older.

 

Unless you plan on letting her live there until she's dead or cannot live independently, you're going to have to deal with it sometime and it's not going to get better or easier. Imagine retiring and moving into your retirement home, yup, where she's living now.

 

Who pays for the alarm service? Again, your H can solve the keys/codes issue easy if it's important to him. I've done this. Presuming the property isn't across the country, there's floors being installed presently. Contractors will be on site. H can monitor work progress. I'll leave the rest up to intelligence and creativity.

 

Let her complain. It gives her purpose. You know how things are.

[Art_Critic]

Have your husband take care of it. She's his mother.

 

 

Good point.....

[d0nnivain]

We don't have a rental agreement. If we gave her a lease she would have tenancy rights & we'd have to ask to come & go. Without the contract she is just a guest / tenant at suffrage is the legal term. It means we have to give her some notice to kick her out but other than that she has no rights. I'm not trying to harm her; I'm just frustrated. We let her live rent free, thereby giving her liquidity to have fun -- go shopping, go out with her friends, travel etc. That was the whole point.

 

We bought the house with the understanding that she would live there "to protect our investment." It was really either put a roof over her head or watch her spend herself into homelessness. It was always verbally agreed that we would come & go as we pleased. All I asked was that I wanted 1 bedroom to be set aside as ours, which is why we bought a 3 bedroom house & she could have the master. She didn't even give us that because she wanted a guest room & an art room.

 

 

After she bought an incredibly expensive & overpriced washer & dryer from the most expensive store out there without shopping around, I made DH tell her that all house purchases had to be approved in advance by us if she expected us to pay for them. If she is willing to pay for something then by all means she should get it but she can't just stick us with the bills.

 

Part of me knows she vents just to get attention & I'm OK with that. I'd prefer she didn't trash me to others in the family but most of them just listen & move along because they too know her M.O.

 

I just feel like I can't win for losing.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd prefer she didn't trash me to others in the family but most of them just listen & move along because they too know her M.O.

 

And I'd prefer that companies putting my phone calls on hold quit telling me how much they value my time. I don't think either of us are going to have our wish come true .

 

d0nnivain, let it go. The people that know you are aware it isn't true. This is MIL's problem, not yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Look, your husband is doing real good putting her back in her entitled MIL place. She's not really naive. She's entitled acting and acting sweeter to get her way. I hate people who do that.

 

Anyway, stand your ground, don't give in to her expensive demands. Sounds like she's jealous her son has another woman in his life, which sadly, isn't too unusual. She wants to spend his and your money as if it's hers. It's not. If she wants a sugar daddy, she's free to do so.

 

Your husband is shutting her down when he needs to, so this frees you up to just stay out of it and let him handle it. Be sure he knows she talks trash about you and that you don't appreciate that either and if she ever gets nasty in person, you'll stand up for yourself. Maybe that will prompt him to try to stop that train from leaving the station. Geez, I wish you were my DIL. She certainly isn't very grateful. You're doing her a huge, huge favor, keeping her in a home.

[d0nnivain]

She may be manipulative about this, but she is naïve about other stuff.

 

Then again some of it is getting so whacky I fear she is developing genuine mental problems. For example, she recently cried & didn't want me to go to the beach with my SIL, her other son's wife, because she was afraid that we would get eaten by wolves (I kid you not); she was late for her doctor's appointment because she forgot I fixed the clock in her car the day before while she was sitting next to me driving the car; and that there were bums sleeping in the garage, (nobody had been in that garage since last Fall)

[preraph]

She may be manipulative about this, but she is naïve about other stuff.

 

Then again some of it is getting so whacky I fear she is developing genuine mental problems. For example, she recently cried & didn't want me to go to the beach with my SIL, her other son's wife, because she was afraid that we would get eaten by wolves (I kid you not); she was late for her doctor's appointment because she forgot I fixed the clock in her car the day before while she was sitting next to me driving the car; and that there were bums sleeping in the garage, (nobody had been in that garage since last Fall)

 

Like that money doesn't grow on trees.

 

But you're right. She's probably getting dementia. She may be fine at times but then completely lost in her thoughts. It's horrible. Went through it with my dad. When he was thinking straight, he'd ask me to take his checkbook and pay his bills for him, but then when he would have an episode, he'd be livid about it and make all kinds of accusations. Plus other people were taking advantage of him. Plus he was drinking which didn't help any. He had to go into a locked home a long time before his body gave out, which is tragic. He didn't know where he was was a nursing home even. Thought he was at work.

 

Anyway, yeah, she's slipping. Sounds like some dementia induced paranoia. My friends granny thought the FBI were always spying on her (she lived in the country on a lake). It's sad. Too bad the last part of her working brain to go is the part that likes to spend other people's money....but you know, my dad had his own basic personality to the end. That doesn't change. Just their hold on reality.

[BaileyB]

And I'd prefer that companies putting my phone calls on hold quit telling me how much they value my time. I don't think either of us are going to have our wish come true .

 

d0nnivain, let it go. The people that know you are aware it isn't true. This is MIL's problem, not yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I could not agree with this more.

 

Your mother in law has a pretty significant sense of entitlement. No doubt, others are well aware of this and probably struggling to deal with her in their own way...

 

It sounds like you have set some good boundaries around this arrangement. Like any good "tenant," if she doesn't like the rules... she is free to find somewhere else to live.

 

And I completely agree, if negotiations or hard decisions have to be made, it is your husbands responsibility to deal with his mother. But hopefully, it won't come to that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My mom bought a brand new pre-fab home about 2 years ago so my aunt could move "here" from several states away and be closer to her/away from her mentally ill daughter (who is now "here" living with her....). Like your MIL, my aunt is on a very fixed income as a widow who was never wealthy even when my uncle was alive. My mom only charges her $500/month, and the fee to rent the land in this over 55 community is nearly that much. So, my mom is making no money off this deal at all, especially since she also pays all the taxes. It's unreal how entitled my aunt is about some things. Her home is beautiful, in a nice community with a clubhouse, pool, etc. Yet she still expects my mom to pay for everything regarding the house. You'd think she'd be so grateful that she'd contribute a little for a new shrub or two. There's no way she'd find such a nice place (or ANY place) around here for $500/month.

 

I think in your case, you should just suck it up and ignore it. I often have to remind myself, if I start to get annoyed with my mom or my aunt (or both...they squabble constantly)......."She's an old lady....she's an old lady...she's an old lady...."

[BettyDraper]

I'm going to commend you for being so kind and generous to your MIL. Many DILs would not go above and beyond like you have. When I have a problem with my MIL, I go to my husband and he handles his mother. DILs are often viewed as villains by difficult MILs even when the MIL is clearly in the wrong.

 

Your feelings are entirely understandable and you have been very patient. Your MIL is acting like a spoiled and ungrateful child. I just don't think that speaking to your MIL about her behavior would be productive for you. She's manipulative and enjoys playing the victim so your MIL would find a way to make you look like the bad guy. A confrontation would only give your MIL ammo to slander you even more.

 

Look into the possibility that your MIL is in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Look into the possibility that your MIL is in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

 

I agree. As I've heard said, "dementia isn't forgetting where you put your keys... it's thinking your keys are the toaster."

[d0nnivain]

Look into the possibility that your MIL is in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

 

Thanks for the whole post BettyDraper. I'm not looking for accolades but I would prefer some direct communication. I know I haven't been perfect. DH & I promised her that we'd have the floors redone last year but then a retaining wall collapsed at our house that wasn't covered by insurance & we has to spend more money then expected to fix that so her cosmetic issues had to wait.

 

My plan had been to re do parts of the house before MIL moved in but she gave notice at her apartment before we closed & then everybody else had to rush or she would have not had a place to live. I was furious with her then because I had told her not to give notice until after we closed.

 

 

I agree. As I've heard said, "dementia isn't forgetting where you put your keys... it's thinking your keys are the toaster."

 

I actually thought it was putting them in the toaster. In the beginning when my mom developed dementia we found all sorts of things in weird places: check book in the ice cream carton & she was using her diamond engagement ring that she told me she lost as a key ring.

 

Last summer my SIL, MIL's daughter, asked me if I thought her mother had a stroke. Even she thought MIL was acting whacky. I really hope not because that long good bye is painful. As maddening as I find it, I really hope all the nonsense is just attention seeking. I know she's lonely but she's not doing anything to fix that.

[IndigoNight]

If your MIL wants to complain about her "landlord" then treat her like a tenant. It may help save your sanity, and hurt feelings, when she wants to trash talk to family members when you aren't around.

 

Would it be possible to let a property management company deal with the house? If it is in decent shape, and not in need of repair, it could give you and your husband a break from your MIL's petty issues. I realize there are many horror stories about property management companies, but many are quite good. The ones I deal with are great, they are on top of all of the maintenance, and don't allow tenants to bully them into unnecessary upgrades, etc. It might be a viable solution to take some of the strain off of you, and your relationship with the MIL.

 

Another option is to "hire" a friend or relative that you trust, and that lives close to the MIL, and is able to do the repairs, or call in a pro when needed. You can set a budget for normal repairs (not including unexpected emergencies) and set up a bank account just for the MILs house upkeep. Anything not spent by the end of the month, can go into savings for emergencies. Or, something to that effect.

 

If she continues to complain, perhaps you and your husband could take her on a tour of retirement homes that would be cheaper to pay for. Maybe seeing the reality that so many of the less fortunate senior community have to deal with daily, she will be more grateful for what her family is able to do for her. If not, I am sorry that she is so ungrateful for having such a caring family. So many families leave their elderly relatives to fend for themselves, it is cruel, and all too common. You, your husband, and other family members are trying to provide a nice home for her, and she complains and wants more. It is so wrong of her to act how she does, on so many levels. Her sense of entitlement needs a serious adjustment!

 

I apologize if I seem harsh, but your MIL seems ungrateful despite everything her children, and their spouses, are doing for her. She is blessed to have you all. So many people live out their final years in low cost, poorly maintained senior living apartments; if they are lucky enough to even get that. They are lucky if their family ever visits. So, maybe MIL needs to be reminded that she has it easy compared to so many others after retirement.

 

My husband and I help my mother, who is a widow of just over two years, financially and we do all of the repairs around her home, and maintain her car. She never complains, and is grateful that we help her. She understands that without us, her situation would be dire. She does not feel entitled, she doesn't complain to others about us, she always chooses affordable options when things need to be replaced, and is always mindful of our busy schedules and finances.. I even take her my dog for visits when she feels lonely, or nervous about being alone. We check on her often, as do her neighbors. To me, that is how we, as children, should care for our aging parents. We're not doing anything "special", we are helping out a loved one who raised us, and helped us whenever we needed it. It is the least we can do for her.

 

I wish you all of the best with your MIL. If it gets to be too much, there are senior services that may be able to assist with her, if it ever gets to that point.

[d0nnivain]

Indigonight

 

Thanks for that. We are working on getting an "on call local handyman." That should help.

 

MIL really isn't terrible. I have heard way worse horror stories. I just got upset because it was making my new SIL upset. She gets it full on because she lives near MIL.

[Miss Clavel]

the only thing i can offer is to remind her how good she's got it.

 

let her know that you have multiple offers on the house. that the rent you are getting now is nothing compared to what the house would go for according to the comps and offers that you've rec'd.

 

if you get my drift.

[d0nnivain]

We don't charge her rent.

 

Logic has always been lost on MIL. She functions on emotion.

[Mr. Lucky]

that the rent you are getting now is nothing compared to what the house would go for according to the comps and offers that you've rec'd.

 

We don't charge her rent.

 

Then I guess Miss Clavel's statement is literally true. I have a good friend who often laments "no good deed goes unpunished". Your kind support of your MIL seems to fall in that category...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mystyry]

Sorry you are dealing with this. It's very difficult. No real advice to offer, other than I think you are being a very good and understand DIL, whether or not your MIL appreciates it. Hopefully knowledge that you are doing the right thing is helpful somewhat.

[d0nnivain]

Well today she decided that the house is haunted. So she's going to get a priest over to bless the place.

 

Whatever . . . .

[georgia girl]

Haunted, huh? Soon, it will be that you brought in the ghost. ?

 

Donnivan, you are handling this the best that you can. It’s good that you and your SIL can bond over you MIL’s behavior rather than allow those comments to divide the two of you or the two brothers you married. As for her, I like the idea of a handyman. My sister did that for my mom’s house - which she also bought - and it made it better all around (except for maybe the handyman).

 

One thing I will suggest and we didn’t notice it with our mom who we saw everyday: she may be both getting dementia and simply psychologically frail from spending too much time alone. We noticed that mom get demanding when what she really wanted was company, not for the garden guy to come back and re-spin trim the front yard. By manufacturing a crisis, she got us - which is what she wanted and needed.

 

There are a lot of health issues with my mom that just as we realized the need for more of us (and there wasn’t a day that she didn’t see at least one of us), the health issues exploded. She’s now in nursing home care and won’t make it. But, if I do have a regret, it was that we never got her into active socialization in her waning years and allowed her to shrink her whole social existence to just her children. Had we been a little more perceptive, we would have gotten her into a senior day program where she could have made friends and had a greater social life. Would that be possible with your MIL? And would it help?

[d0nnivain]

. Had we been a little more perceptive, we would have gotten her into a senior day program where she could have made friends and had a greater social life. Would that be possible with your MIL? And would it help?

 

I think that would do her a world of good but she wants nothing to do with the seniors. She refuses to tell people we're "her children" because she doesn't want anybody to know she's old enough to have middle aged kids. That has always been the case. I'm older than my husband so there are only 17 years between our ages. I'm happy to say friend rather than MIL.

 

She lives 2.5 blocks from the local senior center. She won't attend. We offered to but her a membership in a local club so she'd have an outlet. She won't go by herself because she doesn't know anybody.

 

Most of her friends are younger, our age or younger. They work full time so don't have days free to spend with her. Instead she spends time running from doctor to doctor asking if this, that or the other thing is wrong with her. She's actually physically healthy as a horse.

 

I suggested she join the local red hat society. She was aghast at that suggestion.

 

I'm trying to reframe my focus. If she's safe I did my job. The rest is up to her kids.