Endless cycle of 'self love'

[Sbla22]

I'm feeling a little frustrated tonight. At the start of the year I promised to make changes to make myself a more well rounded person and become happier with who I am rather than seeking happiness from a partner.

 

When my last girlfriend of 6 months dumped me in November it was like an alarm clock went off in my head and I knew I had to make changes.

 

I have hit the gym regularly and am much happier with my fitness and body. I move in to my own place in 2 weeks (never lived alone before). I have attended several meetups and tried to be more social in general.

 

But any joy that I feel is still always just blown away by an excruciating feeling of lonliness. I am having no success on Tinder or Bumble. I put photos on photofeeler and really tried to improve my profile but it doesn't make any difference. I must have swiped around 200 people on Bumble in 3 days and have only 8 matches. 4 didn't speak to me. 2 did then stopped replying after my first message back. The other 2 live too far away.

 

I thought about it and basically 180 women or so close to me have not swiped right on me. They deem me too unattractive to even have a conversation.

 

Tomorrow is one year exactly since I met my last girlfriend. I don't feel like I'm making any sort of progress. I am trying hard to make positive changes but feels like I will never meet anyone again. I can't stand this constant pain and jealousy zi feel. I just want a nice loving romantic relationship but feels impossible. I got on the bus today and a young woman rang her boyfriend, she was laughing then said 'see you soon, love you'. It just killed me. I can't imagine that happening for me again.

 

People say you have to love yourself but how can I when no one seems to want to love me romantically?

[smackie9]

get a dog.....not only a dog will help with the loneliness, a dog (cute enough) is a great ice breaker when taking the dog out with you. Women will look at you as a nurturer which instinctively look for in a man. it's a win win.

[Gaeta]

You've heard us.....but you did not understand us.

 

 

 

You may have made all those outside changes but inside you are still looking for someone else to make you feel whole and happy.

 

 

 

You need to search for happiness within yourself. You need to reach a point when you sit all by yourself in front of a sunset and think I am happy with who I am and with my life. Having a girlfriend will be a bonus added to that, it's not suppose to be the main ingredient.

 

 

 

I spent something like 7-8 years by myself. I did not know loneliness. My life was filled with people and things I loved and I just enjoyed myself. Then suddenly someone entered my life and fitted right in.

 

 

 

My boyfriend (of 2,5 years) told me not long ago that what attracted him the most about me when we met was that I was 'whole', I was this happy-going girl with a life full wall to wall.

 

 

I honestly believe you need to reach that point. If you wait for a gf to make you feel happy then it's oozing out of you and women read it right away.

 

 

 

There is a big difference between I 'need' someone and I 'want' someone.

[Sbla22]

You've heard us.....but you did not understand us.

 

 

 

You may have made all those outside changes but inside you are still looking for someone else to make you feel whole and happy.

 

 

 

You need to search for happiness within yourself. You need to reach a point when you sit all by yourself in front of a sunset and think I am happy with who I am and with my life. Having a girlfriend will be a bonus added to that, it's not suppose to be the main ingredient.

 

 

 

I spent something like 7-8 years by myself. I did not know loneliness. My life was filled with people and things I loved and I just enjoyed myself. Then suddenly someone entered my life and fitted right in.

 

 

 

My boyfriend (of 2,5 years) told me not long ago that what attracted him the most about me when we met was that I was 'whole', I was this happy-going girl with a life full wall to wall.

 

 

I honestly believe you need to reach that point. If you wait for a gf to make you feel happy then it's oozing out of you and women read it right away.

 

 

 

There is a big difference between I 'need' someone and I 'want' someone.

 

How do I stop being lonely and become a full person then? No idea how to do that.

[Gaeta]

get a dog.....not only a dog will help with the loneliness, a dog (cute enough) is a great ice breaker when taking the dog out with you. Women will look at you as a nurturer which instinctively look for in a man. it's a win win.

 

 

I must interfere here my friend.

 

 

 

Getting a dog is a huge responsibility that will follow you for 14-15 years. It will also interfere in your dating life. I know too well I got my beloved c0cker when I was single. It means no last minute date, no staying in town after work, no weekday night dates, no going away last minute. A dog keeps you home a lot.

[preraph]

If you get a dog, to make it work well and not hold you back, you need a home with a dog door and a backyard and a pet sitter. So depends where you live ift that's practical or not. But I wouldn't trade my dogs for anyone. They are so excited every single time you come in the door. No one loves you like a dog will. they are your biggest fan. But you've got to be equipped to give them a good life, not just stick them in a cage all day. If you are like a lot of people and can't afford a house and make a real home for them, then don't. But there's nothing better for daily joy and you need two of them so they aren't lonely when you're gone. They're pack animals and don't feel good on their own, kind of like you.

[Gaeta]

How do I stop being lonely and become a full person then? No idea how to do that.

 

Happiness is a decision. Every morning you can decide to be happy with yourself or miserable. Then you need to let go of the things you cannot control and let the universe, life, god, which you prefer, take care of things. You put yourself out there, go on dates with no expectations, and one day it will all come together without any efforts.

 

It's not important to find 'someone', what is important is to find the 'right someone'. I was online 3,5 years when I met my boyfriend and now I know why it didn't click with the 200 other ones I had met before him, they were not my match. When bf came along it was like 2 pieces of a puzzle put together and that was worth the 3,5 years of looking for him.

 

How to stop being lonely? Put your attention of positive things, work on personal projects, find a passion, be a giver and do volunteer work, spend time with friends and family. While you are busy doing all that continue going on dates and let life happen.

 

Don't observe couples and don't envy them, that's wasted energy and it has no place in the grand plan you have for yourself.

[max3732]

Not sure if it makes you feel any better, but I'm in the same boat as far as meeting women and with online dating. So much time wasted with very few matches and even fewer that will message you back.

[CrazyKatLady]

Hang in there. At least you are trying and making positive changes. Don't worry...be happy. Best of luck to you.

P.S. dating sites have many flakes, I should know...I was one of them at one point(just saying)...which is why I dropped out of it. But, if you quit trying...you'll never know, either...so, it is really up to you.

[MaleIntuition]

I think you need a break from old-apps for a while... right now it sounds like you are just interpreting things in a way that will have a negative effect on your self esteem. I’m also sensing that you perhaps aren’t over your ex yet..?

 

Working out - good!

New appartment - good!

 

How about hobbies? Friends? Ever tried a martial art? Perhaps rock climbing? Both activities requires a tremendous amount of focus and can therefore have some meditative qualities.

[Chilli]

So what they swipe ya if they like ya is that right, damn what next.

Forget about them l guarantee ya just shallow garbage and only 5 or 10% of them are anything at all to look atthemselves in RL anyway if it's looks your worried about. The rest , just dreamers over rating themselves that's why they're even on that thing and thinking the worlds suddenly their oyster. But end of the day reality will sort them out and they'll get kicked around just like you are, just take it with a grain of salt man, really , and stay off it why degrade yourself for that shyt.

 

But from what l can tell you've only been single 6mths right . It's not nice fore anyone getting dumped but it happens to everyone. l know l;m always sayin this but you really need to chill a bit l mean only 6mths and swiping is it 200 girls in a few days , l mean wtf how can 200 different girls even be anywhere near even right for you anyway, ONE of those 200 , maybe , just maybe, we're lucky if we have 2 or 3 people in a life time right for us. Slow down and take your time, live life, relax and chill out, you'll be fine but if you want something real and lasting it takes time, usually years not 200 swipe just anyones on some date bullship..

Good luck

Edited June 1, 2018 by Chilli

[DontBreakEven]

Yea I think you're being a bit silly about the 200 girls.

 

That's a 5% hit rate, which is totally normal, even for super attractive people.

 

And in 3 days? I've been doing it for three years and maybe have had up to 10 successful conversations, and I would consider myself above average on the attractive scale.

 

I agree - if you're going to look at the apps like that, that will do NOTHING for your self-esteem, and you should take a break until you can approach them without so much scrutiny. Also, you need to take those apps as they are - the VAST majority of people on there are not on there for serious intentions. Pay attention and be realistic.

[ZA Dater]

Yet another person battling with a game that some say is so easy...OP I feel your pain and I relate.

 

 

I especially like this "one day it will come together without any effort" bizarre considering people like me and the OP are told to improve this, do that hobby, get that pet and so on and so forth.

 

 

Those thing seem like effort to me. OP ask yourself what you have achieved without putting in effort, I'll answer that for you: nothing. Few of us achieve anything siting around and waiting so I strongly disagree with that sort of advice.

 

 

If you aren't getting quality matches take a break and walk away, sitting aimlessly looking for people is a waste of time. Rather spend time doing things you like than things which make you unhappy.

 

 

I do agree with Gaeta though, if your life is filled with people you don't feel lonely but lets be honest here, people who struggle to date 9/10 times they are loners with few friends so its not as if some have people to fill that void.

 

 

Obviously the OP would try find people.

 

 

OP my final comment is this, be thankful you have had a gf, some of us are no closer now than we were 15 years ago...

[mossycup]

I also empathize with this as I have yet to find "the one" and felt very bitter and frustrated for a few years.

 

However, I can say right now that I don't feel that way. Somewhere up the thread someone said about watching a sunset and feeling content. That person is right. That day comes. How did it come for me? That is what you want to know, I imagine.

 

Firstly, it came because I am an introvert, so I like being alone. If you are not, then maybe this will not be quite as easy for you, but it still may be.

 

Secondly a major turning point for me was realizing how the search for love was making me miserable. I was upset all the time about people not giving me what I need, in love and friendship. I was at a point of almost feeling suicidal, and definitely feeling like the human race was a failed evolutionary experiment where the only thing people could do was hurt each other. It was low place to be in.

 

Then I thought about the things I like to do and feel that don't involve other people. Reading, nature, biking are mine ... you will have your own set. I started focusing and cultivating more of the experiences I've always had, which you probably do to, where I'm not thinking about other people but just enjoying an activity. I tried to do more of that, and detach a little from my need for people.

 

After many months of this, I feel much better. I am not lonely or on the emotional rollercoaster. I've let go of the people who took more than they gave, and the ones that remain, I try not to get TOO invested. I enjoy them in the moment, and trust them in the big picture, but I know I'm centred on my own activities. And it's not just activities, really, the activities are really just a vehicle to being in relationship with myself. If you are doing activities to MEET people or get attention, then this strategy won't work. You have to be doing the activities that you enjoy when alone, and discover how much you enjoy your own company by actively cultivating an awareness of your own company in the times that are pleasant. Focus on the ways you enjoy yourself in your own company. I have been working on creating a "culture of me" - like some people have their social groups or their marriages, I have "the me culture". Within that culture of me, I love myself and I'm totally relaxed. No one is letting me down, or annoying me, or taking too much - I'm just me doing my thing and enjoying myself, and when people come around, I enjoy me around them. It's at the point where I see a couple bickering in public, or their kids are loud, or a friend says, oh, i can't do that cuz I need to do this with my BF and I'm like, ah, sucks to be in a relationship! Effort and annoyance! Then I go home and do whatever the **** I want with my best friend, myself.

 

Of course it's nice to be in a relationship! I feel no need to disparage it.But just to give an example of how, you see the girl on the phone with her BF saying i love you, but you don't see later when maybe she is annoying or draining to him in some way.

 

Again, not saying people in relationships are worse off than single people; but that you need to look at the whole picture and think about the ****ty things you avoid by being single. That can help when you feel jealous.

 

As for me, 'm noticing that my friendships are now stronger because I'm happier and have more to give, and more guys are hitting on me since I'm more confident. I still think the human race has its challenges, but overall, we're a good bunch! I feel like I'm more likely to find a good partner when I'm in this state, as many people have said on this thread. But if I don't, then that's ok too.

 

I don't know how to tell you to find the one because I have not. But if you are going to be single, its good to be content. I hope this advice works out for you.