Bufo Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Friends with benefits? You’ve listed what you get from this relationship—the benefits. You withhold sex. What does he get? Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Thoughts/comments/opinions welcomed… (1) Are you just venting here or actually asking for advice from others that you are willing to listen to? (2) What are you hoping to hear from the others in this forum? People to sympathize with you and "take your side" or are you expecting to hear people to give you honest blunt advice to help you leave just a toxic relationship? (3) WHY have you been staying with him? Seriously, you need to spend some time reflecting on that question for yourself. (4) It doesn't sound like you would leave him no matter what he does; so perhaps learn to accept "Natalie" as a part of your relationship and at least then he won't have to use burner phones and can have his sex talks with her right in front of you. At least then you won't have to sneak around. (5) IF you had a daughter who was with a man just like this going through exactly what you have been, what would you advice your daughter to do? Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 So I met my man in 2011 on Plenty of Fish. He had Widower ashis status. Our 1st date, I ask about his late wife and he said she died of breast cancer. I found out 3 months later she’s alive andwell…married to the man she cheated on my man with. But I guess to my man…she’s ‘dead’. Still a lie none the less. This should havebeen my first red flag… July 2011 I knock his phone off the counter. Pick it up to make sure the screen didn’t crack…see '1 message from Natalie: I miss you’. Hand him the phone and saidsomeone misses you. Crazy ex-girlfriendhe says and shrugs it off. Come to findout they dated 4 years on and off before I came into the picture. I’ve been cheated on and lied to in the past, therefore I look out for #1. I know it’s wrong, but yes after the ‘I miss you’ text, my butt got nosey. I saw numerous texts back and forth between Natalie and my man. Could only see the phone log online so all I can see is phone numbers back and forth…not actual texts. I confronted him, he said he doesn’t know why he still talks to her, but that it will stop. 3 weeks later, I see back and forth texts again. Confront…it won’t happen again…blah blah blah. After several busts, he decides to make up a secret email account…yeeeah, I bust him with that too. So then he moves to ‘burner’ phones. The 1st phone he uses to talk to Natalie and they make plans for her to come to OUR house (I moved in Feb 2012) on MLK Day 2014 to, I guess have sex…in OUR bed. I get up that morning like I’m going to work but instead go to my sister’s. Borrow her boyfriends truck and ride by the house every hour or so…Natalie never shows. I get home and confront him and he denies everything. Looks me in the eye and denies it. SO then I whip out the email I printed out at my sisters of him and Natalie making plans. He said he doesn’t know why he did it…he’s sorry, I’m the one he wants to be with blah blah blah. I told him if it happens again, I’m gone. I demand the phone…he beats itwith a hammer and gives it to me. It’s useless. Sept 2015, I find another burner phone. See actual texts and *ahem* pics that he and Natalie have exchanged. A lot of sex talk but that’s it. I throw phone at him and never see it again, but he once again tells me he doesn’t know why he talks to her and that he loves me…omg! Well financially I can’t go anywhere. Aug 2016 I finally move out. Now even though I move out, we’re still ‘together’. If he’ll talk to her behind my back when I lived under his roof, I damn sure know he’ll do it when I move out, so I keep watching the phone records online. Sure enough Oct 2016…she’s texting him again. I raise hell and we don’t speak for like 5 days, but then we start talking again. I’ve been watching pretty close and haven’t seen anything until March 2018…I see text on his normal regular non-secret phone. Sex talk again with Natalie. I tell him I’m done and he swears to me that I’m who he wants to be with. Said he had an ‘epiphany’ if you will at the end of Feb 2018 and he realizes with all his heart and soul that I’m the one he should be with (yay I win…eye roll). Mid-April 2018, I’m looking in his tool box for a Philips head screwdriver…I swear I wasn't snooping and I found another phone. This makes #3! I take it home and scour thru it and it was activated June 2016 – Feb 2017. And yep, it was all Natalie again! This time raunchy sex talk with explicit pics AND videos! Lots of back and forth of what they want to do to each other. She tells him she’s coming to see him and each time, she bails and never shows. I honestly don’t think he’s laid eyes on her since before I came into the picture. She seems to be all talk. But he was telling her that he loves her and crap like that and yes, we were ‘a couple’ while all of this was going on! I confronted him and he really had nothing to says except for ‘I don’t know why I keep talking to her’…"I don’t know" is his fave go-to answer for everything! He swears he hasn’t talked to her at all since Mid-Feb and he hasn’t...that I can tell. Yes, she has texted him, but according to the phone records, he never replied. He swears he’s done with her, but man oh man…I’ve heard that line more time than I care to count. We’re not married, don’t have any kids together or anything of the sort. He expects me to focus on the past few months that he’s been ‘good’ and forget the past 7 years that Natalie has been in our relationship. He literally told me to let it go/get over it so we can move on and be happy…really? Why does he get a do-over? SEVEN years I’ve put up with this crap! Oh and he TRIED to turn it around and blame me. He said he knows I wasn't 'snooping' when I found this last phone, but when I did find it...I shouldn't have look at it! Seriously?? I quickly shut him down and told him that he was NOT going to blame me for this! There shouldn't have been a phone to be found in the first place! Thoughts/comments/opinions welcomed… Leave him. Problem solved. He chooses this woman over you, and apparently, they don't even meet up like ....ever? Just LEAVE. WTF! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 And it's like I tell myself 'ok next time I catch him...that's it; we're done'...then it happens and I stay! Yep, exactly. Untenable, Sutherngrace. You know this. You really can't go on selling your soul so cheaply. I remember my husband telling me - of course, this is a cheating spouse, not betrayed - that I just didn't understand. He didn't have any work then and was remodeling OW's home and, therefore, .... The implied conclusion was what? He was using sex to survive? Well, you're not doing that but it still sounds like bartering — his services for your willingness to look the other way. You're selling yourself short, Sutherngrace, emphasis on "selling." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Colin Grant Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 (edited) Make the difficult to make decisions. Simple as that. Edited June 26, 2018 by Colin Grant Link to post Share on other sites
GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Share Posted June 28, 2018 Your first mistake was finding a man on POF. It should be called plenty of rejects. Your second mistake is why are you with him. Now I'm more worried about you. Are you unable to be by yourself? Is your self worth this low? Link to post Share on other sites
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