amshizzle Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I've been married for three years but separated for the last year. My wife left because she didn't feel like she fit into our relationship and felt some soul searching might help. So she searched.. and still couldn't decide. She felt the humane thing to do was to ask for a divorce rather than keep me waiting until she came to a decision. I am just confused. This is a person who would drop anything to be there for me (still), pays the bills (still), sends me money, literally is the kindest and most supportive person in my life. I am just having a hard time processing this divorce request. I don't get it. How do you love someone to that degree but don't fit... don't feel a part of it.... don't want to TRY and see if maybe a change in the situation makes the relationship work... I don't get how you can love someone and still leave them... I am used to people leaving and not caring. I am not used to this. I am also not used to losing a forever. I just don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Was she working more than you? Why was she paying the bills and giving you money? Could she maybe have wanted someone to carry half the load? I realize you only wrote a short explanation and that there is more to the story, but that is all I can get out of it as is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Sorry you are going through this. Can you give us a little more background information about your relationship prior to marriage and early on in your marriage? How long were you together before marriage? Were there ever any breaks in your relationship prior to marriage? What events led to the separation? Have both of you been in other relationships before? What are your ages? Did she ever seem uncomfortable at various stages of commitment (i.e. engagement, wedding, etc.)? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I've been married for three years but separated for the last year. My wife left because she didn't feel like she fit into our relationship and felt some soul searching might help. So she searched.. and still couldn't decide. She felt the humane thing to do was to ask for a divorce rather than keep me waiting until she came to a decision. All of this, including the "I love you but..." speech she probably gave you, suggests the presence of another man. You're the back-up plan in case that relationship doesn't work out. I'd check phone, email and social media accounts for confirmation. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but, based on your description" cheating is almost always the underlying issue... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Yes, I'm afraid there is always another man involved when this happens. ALWAYS. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 All that doesn't mean she loves you romantically. It means she is kind & supportive. I once paid a guy's moving expenses just to get him the <bleep> out of my house. What jumped out at me is that SHE is paying the bills through this separation. What are you doing while she supports you? Could that be a factor in her decision to leave? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Kind of sad that some people can't believe there is any reason for anyone to walk out of a marriage other than cheating. We know almost nothing of the story - except that they've been separated for a year already! He's not in a position to stalk her phone and has no RIGHT to do so either. My first guess would be that she got into this relationship because she is a carer and a giver, and the OP needed looking after and had a very sad story to tell, full of people always leaving him, but that as time went by she felt that he was dragging her down and that instead of her making him happy, he was making her sad. I've seen relationships like that. But that's just a wild guess based on fragmentary information, I'm certainly not going to insist it's the absolute truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 He's not in a position to stalk her phone and has no RIGHT to do so either. Except it might be "their" phone account or even her phone on his account. Knowing is always better than not knowing, especially given the OP's description. And you may be right, she may simply be unhappy with him. If so, he can act accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 Kind of sad that some people can't believe there is any reason for anyone to walk out of a marriage other than cheating. We know almost nothing of the story - except that they've been separated for a year already! He's not in a position to stalk her phone and has no RIGHT to do so either. My first guess would be that she got into this relationship because she is a carer and a giver, and the OP needed looking after and had a very sad story to tell, full of people always leaving him, but that as time went by she felt that he was dragging her down and that instead of her making him happy, he was making her sad. I've seen relationships like that. But that's just a wild guess based on fragmentary information, I'm certainly not going to insist it's the absolute truth. The fact that he is confused about the situation strongly suggests another man. Had she left for any other reason he would know what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Kind of sad that some people can't believe there is any reason for anyone to walk out of a marriage other than cheating. Oh there are many, many reasons. But when the reason given is so vague, fobbing him off with lame cliches. The only reason she would do that is because she doesn't want to tell him the real reason she left. As DKT said. If it were any reason other than another man, then he would know exactly, in explicit detail, why she was leaving him (and why it is all his fault). Link to post Share on other sites
Unhappy_Nerd Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Oh there are many, many reasons. But when the reason given is so vague, fobbing him off with lame cliches. The only reason she would do that is because she doesn't want to tell him the real reason she left. As DKT said. If it were any reason other than another man, then he would know exactly, in explicit detail, why she was leaving him (and why it is all his fault). Yeah, but what does it matter? Honestly, if someone is unhappy in a relationship, cheater or not, then they should leave. Even if she has cheated, it shouldn't matter. Yeah it hurts (I've been there with an ex GF), but you get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Yeah, but what does it matter? Honestly, if someone is unhappy in a relationship, cheater or not, then they should leave. Even if she has cheated, it shouldn't matter. Yeah it hurts (I've been there with an ex GF), but you get over it. It matters because he has no idea why, and she isn't giving him a reason. It matters because cheating women tend to come back or maintain a relationship. It matters because now he can know it's not him. I'm guessing you knew your ex was cheating, he knows nothing or isn't willing to admit it yet Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Yeah, but what does it matter? Honestly, if someone is unhappy in a relationship, cheater or not, then they should leave. Even if she has cheated, it shouldn't matter. Yeah it hurts (I've been there with an ex GF), but you get over it. What you say is true, but... if you don't really know what happened, then there is nothing to learn from. That is a real problem for a lot of people. I suspect this guys will be a hit an run. But if he comes back and give more information, it will be obvious that she left him for someone else. Probably some one that has a job... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 Yeah, but what does it matter? It matters because mostly in this type of situation the BS still loves the WS and would take them back in a heartbeat if they came knocking. But if he uncovers the affair, he will be better able to make a more informed decision on whether to take her back or not. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingOver77 Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 We know almost nothing of the story - except that they've been separated for a year already! He's not in a position to stalk her phone and has no RIGHT to do so either. Exactly. Op, it is what it is. Just take the divorce. This woman has mucked with your head for 3 years. You attracted that for some reason. Work on you, attract better. You can do better than this woman who has been absent from your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingOver77 Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 It matters because mostly in this type of situation the BS still loves the WS and would take them back in a heartbeat if they came knocking. But if he uncovers the affair, he will be better able to make a more informed decision on whether to take her back or not. The reason never matters. Telling him it does will only prolong his grief. Some situations we never get closure. For us to be happy going forward, we need to be okay with that. I am speaking from experience. Op doesn't really need to know why because the situation is what it is. If she is cheating, prostituting, doing crack, another woman....who cares. She wants a divorce and has been absent from the marriage. Op can do better than this woman. There are billions out there. With that said, sound like he has some work to do to learn how to make himself happy. The "why am I not enough for her" is very much irrelevant. She isn't enough for op. There really isn't a reason for him to hold on to this grief longer than he has to. She ain't worth the head space. Link to post Share on other sites
Bigboss2903 Posted June 29, 2018 Share Posted June 29, 2018 It sounds like another guy is present in her life..... Link to post Share on other sites
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