I think I'm Done

[emmab219]

I first joined this forum back around October.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/640386-newly-married-unhappy

 

 

 

Above was my very first post where I pretty much dumped everything I'd been feeling for the past year or two. Since then, not much has changed. Long story short, my husband is still a very high functioning alcoholic. He goes through cycles where he'll drink a lot one week, cut himself off for a day or two, and then get right back to it. He'll stay up until 4am playing video games on a weekend, sleep until noon, and get up and drink more. We've had the talk about why he needs to cut back, how it's a problem, and how I'm very unhappy. He keeps promising to make change-- less drinking, more working out (he's gained probably close to 60 pounds). Less video games, more time together, etc etc.

 

I'm just tired though. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling lonely. There's no passion, there's no intimacy. We rarely even sleep in the same bed because he's always falling asleep on the couch playing his video games. I daydream about what it would be like to date again, which makes me feel horribly guilty, but I can't help but feel that this isn't what a marriage should be. Especially in the beginning stages. I cry pretty much every other day and feel jealous of my friends who are in happy relationships. I know this sounds incredibly petty, but I can't help it. I'm miserable. And he won't change. It's like I'm living with a roommate instead of my husband.

 

I recently started seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping that will help me...but I really think I want to leave. There are just certain things holding me back that I can't seem to get over. First of all, I'm terrified. I do love him, so I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I know it would be the hardest thing I'v ever done to tell him I don't want to be with him. I keep thinking about his family and mine. My entire family adores him. His family adores me. And he's 37...I know he wants kids and I feel like I'd be taking that from him if I left. Second of all, finances and what to do with the life we've built. He has a work truck he drives to and from his job and a car. But the car I drove we just bought last year together and we're still paying it off, together. Both our names are on it and I worry what might happen if that gets taken from me. I have a place to go, a friend has graciously offered her bedroom. I have a decent job, I have my own healthcare.

 

I know that nobody can do or say this for me. I just want to be sure I'm making the right choice, obviously. But also, I have no idea how to go about it. I'm very anti-confrontational, very much an overly-nice people pleaser which is why I think I might be caught up in this position in the first place and haven't left sooner.

 

 

I keep telling myself it could be worse, that it's not that bad.

 

But the truth is, it's not good either.

[carhill]

On the one hand, I'm impressed and even a little bit jealous that these guys picked their spouses so well the spouse hangs on even when everything they're doing is destroying the M. My exW could probably teach you a thing or two about ejecting a husband when he bobbles, and nothing major like alcoholism.

 

I lost a dear friend a few years ago to the bottle. Long M, good H, wonderful son but the bottle had her. Good person, very loving, the best friend of my wife at the time. Cost her the M after 20 and cost her life a few years after that. Didn't even make it to 50. The bottle is a cruel master.

 

Al-Anon. Support here is good but real life support is invaluable. My sympathies.

[BaileyB]

And he's 37...I know he wants kids and I feel like I'd be taking that from him if I left.

 

I keep telling myself it could be worse, that it's not that bad.

 

But the truth is, it's not good either.

 

No, it's not good.

 

Don't feel guilty about "taking" anything from him... He has the ability to make a different decision, and he has not done so. If having kids were important to him, he would put the beer down, go to AA, and turn the games off. He is an addict. He can't do that. He's not making rational decisions right now...

 

But you are. I know, it's a big decision to make but I think you are making the right decision.

 

Of course, it's terrifying. There are so many things to consider - finances, accommodations, shared possessions, families, friends, and so much history...

 

But, last night... I fell asleep with my boyfriend cuddled up beside me... He rubbed my back because he thought it would help me to relax and fall asleep. That is what you want. It's what you deserve. I hope you find it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I recently started seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping that will help me...but I really think I want to leave.

 

If your therapist assists you in deciding that's the right decisions for you, you are indeed being helped.

 

You need to understand the three C's - you didn't cause, you can't control and you won't cure him. If he won't help himself, time for you to help yourself and take steps towards a healthier life. Maybe your leaving will be the push he needs...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Family Guy]

As stupid as it sounds I think the video games are a bigger issue than the drinking, especially since he was drinking when you first started your relationship.

 

The drinking is definitely unhealthy and needs to stop asap, but the gaming is cutting into what should be quality time (watching movies, falling to sleep together).

 

The good thing is that the gaming will be easier to stop, give him an ultimatum it's either me or the games, and if he chooses the games then leave and I guarantee he will be getting rid of his console within a few days. Or you could just smash his console/computer up, either way it will benefit your marriage.

 

Once he is back in the real world not the gaming world it will be easier to get him to focus on his drink problem, all he is using gaming for is escapism because he isn't happy, but unfortunately it becomes a viscous circle.

Edited June 1, 2018 by Family Guy
Typo

[d0nnivain]

You aren't making snap rash decisions here. You are trying. He is not.

 

If an addict won't change, all you can do is save yourself.

[georgia girl]

It sounds like he has an addictive personality. He is both addicted to alcohol and video games and even acknowledging that it’s too much, he can’t stop. I like Mr. Lucky’s post - you didn’t cause this and you definitely can’t cure it.

 

However, you talk about being avoidant and a people pleaser. You also mention that you still love him and that you are in counseling. Would he consider entering therapy, including inpatient rehab, knowing it is the one sole thing he can do to save your marriage? Have you asked him that very explicitly? And, perhaps you are not ready, but would you be prepared to act and leave if he doesn’t?

 

Don’t worry about the car - whoever keeps it will have to pay for it. You can always get another if he does keep it. Just be honest with your family - they will love you regardless.

 

My final note: life is with so much more. This relationship seems “okay” to you because you haven’t experienced a really good one. Don’t settle. Marriage can be amazing with the right partner who is equally engaged. It will never be perfect and you will always have tough times, but with the right person, it is pretty stinking fabulous.

[ICEMAN69]

I first joined this forum back around October.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/640386-newly-married-unhappy

 

Above was my very first post where I pretty much dumped everything I'd been feeling for the past year or two. Since then, not much has changed. Long story short, my husband is still a very high functioning alcoholic. He goes through cycles where he'll drink a lot one week, cut himself off for a day or two, and then get right back to it. He'll stay up until 4am playing video games on a weekend, sleep until noon, and get up and drink more. We've had the talk about why he needs to cut back, how it's a problem, and how I'm very unhappy. He keeps promising to make change-- less drinking, more working out (he's gained probably close to 60 pounds). Less video games, more time together, etc etc.

 

I'm just tired though. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling lonely. There's no passion, there's no intimacy. We rarely even sleep in the same bed because he's always falling asleep on the couch playing his video games. I daydream about what it would be like to date again, which makes me feel horribly guilty, but I can't help but feel that this isn't what a marriage should be. Especially in the beginning stages. I cry pretty much every other day and feel jealous of my friends who are in happy relationships. I know this sounds incredibly petty, but I can't help it. I'm miserable. And he won't change. It's like I'm living with a roommate instead of my husband.

 

I recently started seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping that will help me...but I really think I want to leave. There are just certain things holding me back that I can't seem to get over. First of all, I'm terrified. I do love him, so I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I know it would be the hardest thing I'v ever done to tell him I don't want to be with him. I keep thinking about his family and mine. My entire family adores him. His family adores me. And he's 37...I know he wants kids and I feel like I'd be taking that from him if I left. Second of all, finances and what to do with the life we've built. He has a work truck he drives to and from his job and a car. But the car I drove we just bought last year together and we're still paying it off, together. Both our names are on it and I worry what might happen if that gets taken from me. I have a place to go, a friend has graciously offered her bedroom. I have a decent job, I have my own healthcare.

 

I know that nobody can do or say this for me. I just want to be sure I'm making the right choice, obviously. But also, I have no idea how to go about it. I'm very anti-confrontational, very much an overly-nice people pleaser which is why I think I might be caught up in this position in the first place and haven't left sooner.

 

I keep telling myself it could be worse, that it's not that bad.

 

But the truth is, it's not good either.

 

 

My first observation is why would you want to have children with a guy who is so selfish about fulfilling his most basic duties as a husband? If he's this neglectful and unappreciative of you what makes you think he won't be lying around drunk and playing video games when you have kids around?

 

And if you think marriage is complicated now, wait till you toss kids into the equation. That's a whole new ball game you don't even want to consider at this point!

 

And we don't marry one anothers families. Your family may love him but they're not dealing with the day-to-day indifference and apathy he's showing you. That's just not a reason to stay in the marriage. If his family loves you they'll continue to love you even if you're no longer together.

 

I'd check with TreeHugger12. She's been in the same boat. A widow to a gamer who is essentially a man-child who refuses to grow up. Same issues. He promises change and then falls back into his video game addiction habits. Promises of change have to have action behind them or they're just words.

 

A lot of us are in similar situations. Overlooked by spouses who have electronic addiction issues and who often don't require or desire much in the way of passion or intimacy with their spouse.

Edited June 4, 2018 by ICEMAN69