Realization about my self esteem / anxiety

[mortensorchid]

I have posted a lot in the past few weeks/months about my self esteem and being so damaged by things from the past (as many of you have or have not noticed). I also noticed something about myself just within the last hour...

 

I left my apartment and ran into two people who also live in my building. One is the building manager, she and I have known each other for many years and while she is quite a bit older than me, she and I are friends. She was chatting with another guy in the hallway, when I came upon them I asked what they were doing. She said a plumber was in the apartment next door and he had found this leak which had been a problem, etc. I said I didn't know about it, we continued to chat, etc. Then she introduced me to this guy, we said hello and shook hands. She said I am a black belt, aren't I? I shuddered inside when she said that. Aside from the issues I have encountered with that (see other threads for more explanations on that), I just felt myself cringe inside.

 

 

What's the big deal, you might be asking yourselves once you read that? I realized I was afraid to talk about myself to her or others. Whether it's something good or bad, or even trivial information (ex. my favorite color, favorite food, favorite show, etc.), I am afraid to share it. Why? Because I feel like others will take it and use it against me somehow. This is from years of abusive behaviors from others.

 

 

I think it took me a long time to realize that but it was something so simple.

[fredflint]

I have posted a lot in the past few weeks/months about my self esteem and being so damaged by things from the past (as many of you have or have not noticed). I also noticed something about myself just within the last hour...

 

I left my apartment and ran into two people who also live in my building. One is the building manager, she and I have known each other for many years and while she is quite a bit older than me, she and I are friends. She was chatting with another guy in the hallway, when I came upon them I asked what they were doing. She said a plumber was in the apartment next door and he had found this leak which had been a problem, etc. I said I didn't know about it, we continued to chat, etc. Then she introduced me to this guy, we said hello and shook hands. She said I am a black belt, aren't I? I shuddered inside when she said that. Aside from the issues I have encountered with that (see other threads for more explanations on that), I just felt myself cringe inside.

 

 

What's the big deal, you might be asking yourselves once you read that? I realized I was afraid to talk about myself to her or others. Whether it's something good or bad, or even trivial information (ex. my favorite color, favorite food, favorite show, etc.), I am afraid to share it. Why? Because I feel like others will take it and use it against me somehow. This is from years of abusive behaviors from others.

 

 

I think it took me a long time to realize that but it was something so simple.

 

The first step towards a solution is identifying the problem... so you're on your way! Maybe talk it through with a therapist?