Did i come off too strong ending our friendship ?

[JamesKo]

I have hesitated posting this for a few days now. I am a new user here and hope to spend time here. Its a bit long but I hope someone is willing to help me out. Posting it here as I think I posted in the wrong forums earlier.

 

In short, I already know the answer to my question and what happened with me but I would just like some opinions as this is totally driving me crazy. I fell for a girl at my University and what I believe is that she was just flirting with me and leading me on without even realizing it. When I became more direct, she rejected me and I rejected her friendship. Here's what happened…

 

Before I go into details, here is a bit about her personality. I honestly admire her. She is really unique. At first I thought she was an ordinary person, going about her life, didn't have much to do over the weekends and was a complete nerd . But that was not the case. As I got to know her, things turned out completely different. She is an extrovert, she loves going out, parties Thursday to Saturday. Volunteers at every single music festival, loves talking to other people and making friends and actually only cares about herself mostly. She has goals and ambitions and is basically living her life at the highest peak.

 

 

I met her last year in September at my University, lets call her Sara. We are postgraduate students but I actually never spoke to her as I was never interested in her. Yes, I thought she was beautiful but I actually wasn't interested in her at that point. In January this year, I became friends with one of her close friends and this is how I got to know her. One night, after working a bit overtime in the University (working on my thesis), as I was about to leave, one of our common friend comes up to me and asks me if I wanted to go out and have a drink. I told him, that I could really use one drink. He then asks Sara. At first she said she had plans but as soon as our common friend says that I am also coming, she agreed to join us.

 

 

We went to the bar and I am still not interested i her. It was a Wednesday night and me being single, I was looking around for other women to approach. But since there were barely 10 people in the pub, I finally gave up and really focused on the conversation the two of them were having. And this is where I started to listen and I became curious about her. Whatever stories she had to share, she had my complete attention from that point. I became so curious about her that I started asking her questions about her life and everything worked like magic. I had her attention, I had created a connection with her and we were just focusing on each other.

 

We decided to hit another bar and this time around, I sat next to her and our common friend felt all alone because now me and Sara were just sitting and talking to each other as if no one else existed. We made our personal bubble and I broke the touch barrier. I started touching her and she never pulled away. I held her hand and even touched her back. She leaned over towards me and laid her head on my shoulder. Note: It's only been a week, I got to know her and its basically the first time I ever went out with her. Our common friend who was observing all of this later asked me if he was ''cock blocking'' me and Sara. At that point I had no answer to his question as I am unsure of what was going on. I felt the vibe, I felt that she was attracted towards me.

 

 

A few days go by and she adds me on Facebook (and trust me, she never adds anyone on Facebook herself. And the funny thing is that I really don't even use Facebook, have no profile picture, yet she still tries to find me there). We started texting each other a lot back and forward via messenger. Things were going great and then she asks me to join her to this science conference. She sends me the link to sign up for this conference but I couldn't sign up since the deadline had already passed, so I told her that she should go there alone and when she is done, lets go for drinks. So I basically asked her out ! Unfortunately, she already had plans that night with her female friends but asked me to join her. I did go out with her but I completely blew everything up with her that night.

 

 

Imagine one guy and four of her female friends including her. From a guys point of view, everyone would be thinking good for you. But trust me, I felt a bit out of place. I actually wanted to spend time with her and just her alone. An hour goes by at the bar and I see one of Sara's female friend pointing at guys for Sara to observe. She was looking, I won't deny that. But then I had a quick pep talk with myself. Why was I there ? I started to like Sara and was interested in going out with her. So I decided to turn things around and give my attention to Sara and not for a single second did she leave me alone nor out of her sight that night. Again, I started touching her, I actually was in her personal space. She did these things that made it certain to me that she might be actually also interested in me. Since I smoke cigarettes and had to go outside the pub to smoke, she either used to text me, ''smoking kills!'' or would tag along with me. I had to tell her a few times to go inside and join her friends, but her response would always be like, ''I am staying here with you''. Even if I had to use the mens room, she would text me saying, ''Where are you ?''. And touching her ? It was easy, she never backed away. I actually could even grab her from behind and stand close to her and she never said a word.

 

 

I myself had plans that night. My friends were at another bar and I asked Sara and her friends if they wanted to go there. All of Sara's friend were like, ''We want to stay at this pub a little longer'' and when I asked Sara, she goes like, ''I am going wherever you are going''. That said it all. We decided to go over to my friends and one of Sara's friend also tagged along. When we got there, my friend bought us drinks and Sara and her friend stepped on the dance floor. I managed to talk to my friend alone and explained him that I am not sure whether she is interested in me or not but she has given me solid signs and never lets me out of her sight. And he also observed that. Even while dancing, she would be around me and not out of my sight. Me and my friend decided to pull away from the dance floor and she immediately stopped dancing and tried to find me. She then grabs me by my arm and takes me to the dance floor. We danced for a while and in my head I was going like, its now or never. We were holding hands and then I grab her towards me. She knew something was coming so she asked me, ''What are you doing with a smile on her face ?'' I told her, ''Sara you are absolutely gorgeous''. She then says something really positive (I can't remember but whatever she said, gave me the green light that its okay to kiss her!), I like you too. I went in for the kiss and she pulled away. And that was the end of it. Her pulling away, left me in shock. She then comes to me and says, ''Don't poop where you eat'', implying to the fact that we both are students working in the same department and have the same group of friends that we hang out with. Funny thing is that she never even invited any of those common friends. For four days straight she doesn't invite any of them if she just thought of me as a friend who she barely even knew. I told Sara to take it as a compliment and everything will be alright.

 

I woke up the next day, a bit sad but without any regrets and decided to move on from this. She had sent me a text, asking me if I had arrived home safely. I answered that text and that was it. I stopped contacting her. For 4 days straight, I didn't contact her and neither did she. She then texts me on the 5th, work related, asking me if I could help her with something. I went to help her at the University but she didn't really have any question for me. I figured maybe she just wanted to see me because I hadn't seen her for a while now. I tried to help her with whatever she asked and told her that I was the wrong person for the question she had and left.

 

Things were awkward from there but then we slowly started texting each other again. And after a while, I gathered some balls and decided to call her. On the phone, I told her that I had no intentions of hooking up with her because in reality I just wanted to ask her out on a date and get to know her. I then asked her out yet again and she agreed however on the phone says, ''I would like to go out with you but would never do anything with a coworker, its just this one rule I have and that night I resisted you so badly and I was proud of myself''. I told her that one date and if she still feels the same way, I am ready to accept the friendship. She agreed to that and also agreed to get back to me as she had a busy schedule (her family was coming to visit her).

 

After a few days she got back to me. But what was bothering me was that I started to feel that she probably isn't really interested in me, since she never replied back and I saw her at the University twice and she never mentioned about our coffee date. She finally texted me after a week and wrote this, ''I have been very busy and completely forgot about the coffee. Are you still up for the friendly coffee ?''. I read this message and really thought for like an hour about what to respond. She choose the word friendly intentionally and it had became crystal clear to me that she isn't really interested in dating me and is just doing it to make me happy. After an hour of thinking I wrote her this, ''Hey! I think we shouldn't. You completely misunderstood me on the phone the other day. I am not interested in you just as friends. I can't pretend to be a fake friend anymore because in reality I want to date you and get to know you. If you ever become interested in that, you have my number, shoot me a text and I'd love to see you again! I hope you respect my decision the way I respect yours. Take care''.

 

 

 

And that was it. Her response, ''Sure, no problem, see you around ''. I knew then I made the right choice. But over the next week or so, some of my friends were telling me that I came too strong, way too strong on her. She didn't even know me and maybe if I had went out on that friendly coffee, after getting to know her a bit more, things could had escalated from there. But the rest of my friends said that I did the right thing in going after what I want.

 

I personally am not sure whether I made the right or wrong choice but one thing I do know is that I miss her. I really do. I messed up that night and probably I never even had a chance with her to begin with. Its been a month today since we last spoke where I ended our so called friendship.

 

Now things are way too awkward between us. She never hangs out with the group. She never initiates any contact on the group chat. She would reach out to the people separately, if she wants to talk to them, even when texting them but not on the group chat. We just say Hi's to each other and that's it. There is awkwardness between us and we are soon about to graduate. I miss hanging out with her, whatever we had, even for a month, who cares. It felt like I knew her for a long time.

 

I find it way too hard to move on from this. Its been a month and I am struggling. I have her on my mind all the time. I miss her and I won't even deny that. But I haven't contacted her since that day, neither has she. She is just living her life. She is happy, travelling, going to concerts, partying, as if nothing ever happened. I never was part of her emotional life anyways. But I just wanted to feel what it could had been like.

 

I tell myself this everyday, that I want to have a person who is willing to jump fences for me and not sit on fences and think whether to jump or not. Someone who is enthusiastic to reach out to me and be with me. I shouldn't settle for less in life and I certainly shouldn't be someone's option but should be their priority.

 

I spoke to one of her close friends and she even thought I came on way too strong and probably she wasn't looking for a relationship right now. She wants to enjoy her life. And that I shouldn't completely let go of her from my life and keep her around. I told her that I had unfriended her the day we ended our so called friendship and that I can't undo the things I have done now. It was Sara's birthday and only then I wished her happy birthday. She replied me the day after, ''Thank you James ! with a kiss smiley''. I never replied back to her. I just felt like she doesn't even care if I exist or not.

 

I don't see anyway out from this and would really like opinions. I do realize it is way too long but i just wanted to go in details. If you have made it this far, thank you for reading and for helping me out.

 

James out.

[anika99]

You totally did the right thing. Did you want to spend the next God knows how long being her loyal puppy, letting her tease and yank your chain?

 

People get into real trouble when they start to read meaning into things that were never said. That's what your friends are doing. The girl stated a clear boundary "I don't date coworkers". That doesn't sound open to interpretation. Yet friends are saying ohh maybe she meant she's not ready for a relationship right now. Wtf? If that's what she meant then that's what she would have said. And by the way, even when a girl does say she's not looking for a relationship right now what that usually means is that she doesn't want a relationship with you. So even if she had said that you wouldn't be any better off.

 

Also don't fall into the trap of thinking you did things wrong and if only you had done something different there would have been a different outcome. No there wouldn't have. If you had decided to the whole let's pretend to just be friends thing you would have never graduated from that position.

 

You didn't come on too strong. First of all you were following her lead. She was the one giving you all green lights the first night before she shot you down. She was the one who first stated her boundary of "I don't want to date you" So then you clearly stated your own boundary of not looking to just be friends. You both clearly stated your intentions up front like open mature adults who know how to communicate. Nicely done. The girl is probably impressed that you drew a line and made your intentions clear and followed through. She probably has a bunch of male friends that secretly hope to date her and she won't ever date them because she already has them where she wants them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I honestly admire her. She is really unique.

 

Volunteers at every single music festival, loves talking to other people and making friends and actually only cares about herself mostly.

 

I'm stuck trying to reconcile these two statements...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

I thought what you did was perfect, except perhaps you analyzed too much.