Concern About Never Being Loved?

[Stuckdude]

Hi,

 

Wanted to post here about a concern I have, I don't know the right people who could advise me on this.

In short, I'm in my early 20s and yet to be with a real partner that loved me so I'm getting worried.

 

Growing up was a real struggle especially at school, when the opposite sex notice each other, then it was over all a sudden before I was getting more comfortable. I had trouble socialising, initiating and understanding people but now I'm much better and improving.

 

I work from home behind a laptop, but still live with family which I no longer wish to. But income yet isn't enough for my own place. The work I do I'm not meeting or getting introduced to girls like conventional ways from colleagues for example.

I have friends but they haven't been with anyone ever either.

 

People do like my company but I don't live in a large urban place where there's many others my age to meet. But I've been going to meetup groups and trying to work on my shyness, and find bars a bit noisy.

I'm on paid dating sites but I don't really hear from anyone there. Honestly I just cope by looking at stuff most guys would, but often feel empty from no connection with the opposite sex. I always hear things in media about love and wonder how it is.

 

How do I approach everything? Work first to get enough income for my own place then focus more? I want to put the work into making it happen, as I've wanted my first relationship for years.

 

Anyone in similar position I'd be glad to know. Thanks

[carhill]

As a baseline, share examples of where/when you felt loved and how that went for you....

 

As example, your parents, a sample best friend from childhood, etc.

 

23 is young. Yeah, for a guy expect to be a bit behind the curve and it'll cost ya but it's not insurmountable. 20's are a great time for personal growth and a real plus is the energy of youth. I spent my 20's without a girlfriend and had some of the best times of my life, looking back decades later and with the later experiences of girlfriends and a wife. In the moment then, though, I can identify with your concern. Fortunately, I had healthy family love as a baseline so that got me through. How does it go for you?

[somanymistakes]

Love is difficult, especially real love (as opposed to desperately wanting to be with the nearest person).

 

You are still pretty young. LOTS of people have not met the person they're going to spend their lives with at that point. Sure, many people have been in serious relationships of some sort by that age, but a lot of them have broken up again, too. Don't feel bad or 'failed' because you haven't found your permanent home yet. You have a lot of life ahead of you.

 

I work from home behind a laptop, but still live with family which I no longer wish to. But income yet isn't enough for my own place. The work I do I'm not meeting or getting introduced to girls like conventional ways from colleagues for example.

I have friends but they haven't been with anyone ever either.

 

People do like my company but I don't live in a large urban place where there's many others my age to meet. But I've been going to meetup groups and trying to work on my shyness, and find bars a bit noisy.

 

So yeah, you have a problem here. You're socially isolated, and unless you take actions to change it, you're not likely to meet a lot of people, which makes it very unlikely that things will change on their own.

 

Going to meetup groups is a great start, and probably better than a bar, especially if you're a quiet guy who doesn't really enjoy the bar atmosphere. If you focus on going to meetups based around interests that you have, you are more likely to meet people that you can at least be friends with, even if you don't meet a potential date. Don't discount the value of friendship! Friends can help you relax and be better at being social. They're also great for networking. They may be able to suggest new places for you to go, new people you should meet, give you support in looking for new careers, etc.

 

Also they're going to be a lot better at making practical suggestions than we are because they know more of what's available in your local area and how difficult it will be for you to find another job, or an affordable apartment, or to get to a city.

[Stuckdude]

As a baseline, share examples of where/when you felt loved and how that went for you....

 

Thanks for reply. Family life is pretty difficult at current. So apart from grandparents, my family aren't the type to display much affection, and neither are my friends. I suppose though when I moved out for a short while at university, one roommate I had was pretty affectionate and I felt like we connected well. I guess that's the closest I've felt loved.

[carhill]

Yeah, my parents were never big ILY'ers, huggers, kissers etc but somehow they always communicated unwavering love and support. I put myself through college and lived at home until buying my first house at 25. No girlfriend in sight.

 

Oh, another thing. IME, you'll do better with a qualifiable/quantifiable career. Women like that. I went off into the world of self-employment building stuff and, while I did well financially, it wasn't measurable like a guy with a job. There wasn't a label to flow off the tongue at parties. Security was big with the women of my generation and demographic. If it is with yours, the 20's are a great time to make your mark and establish the kind of lifestyle which attracts mates.

 

Decades down the road, no regrets. We didn't have success in producing a young mind to mold and I kinda miss that but overall it's been a good ride. Hopefully you'll have a long life to reflect on.