Anyone else having a hard time knowing that your ex is with someone else?

[central]

No, it was a relief to be rid of her, but I do feel bad for the guy she ended up with later. But hopefully they're a better match and he isn't miserable too.

[Vanity1]

Your EX is toxic. Sometimes you realize this but most often you are so desperate for affection & to be part of a couple you seem willing to overlook all the rotten things he does.

 

You really don't miss him. You are simply sad, a little lonely & longing to be loved. We all like to feel special & being in love is glorious. However, you need to learn to love yourself 1st.

 

With all this free time you have now that you are single again, do things to bolster your own self esteem. Read some self help books. Exercise. Stop focusing on him & take care of yourself.

 

Do you think it's possible for him to truly like this girl and treat her better? He first told me he doesn't love her or even like her like that. But then told me when he was upset with me that she's more of a woman then I'd ever be because she takes care of her two kids and I chose to have an abortion when he really wanted the kid, mind you he wasn't even there for me through any of it. He just has a way of making me feel worthless. He said she's more braver for keeping two kids from two different guys.

[Blanco]

Do you think it's possible for him to truly like this girl and treat her better?

 

It doesn't matter. At all. What matters is how he treated you, which unarguably was atrociously.

[Vanity1]

It doesn't matter. At all. What matters is how he treated you, which unarguably was atrociously.

 

I think this is what's bothering me more then him being with someone else.

I can't get over the way he treated me! Even when I found out about her, he called and yelled at me saying why did I have to ruin his day- but wasn't my day ruined by finding out- he gave no ****s about my feelings. I hate how he treated me. Why couldn't be nice about it and just tell me NICELY like hello I'm human selfish bastard. And I know blanco, why am surprised when he was like this throughout the whole relationship. I can't wrap my head around it it's haunting me.

[d0nnivain]

You have to treat yourself better. The 1st step is jettisoning him from your life permanently.

 

When you learn to define yourself on your terms, instead of his, you will be happier & FREE.

[anduina]

Not even a little. Even thinking about him is making me nauseous and at the same time bringing back the relief of finding out that he lacked principles before we were married.

 

I'm happy with my boyfriend. He's a much better man with a strong moral compass.

[Beachead]

Do you think it's possible for him to truly like this girl and treat her better? He first told me he doesn't love her or even like her like that. But then told me when he was upset with me that she's more of a woman then I'd ever be because she takes care of her two kids and I chose to have an abortion when he really wanted the kid, mind you he wasn't even there for me through any of it. He just has a way of making me feel worthless. He said she's more braver for keeping two kids from two different guys.

 

Don't hang onto anything he says. He told you he didn't love her but is now saying things like this. So his words mean nothing because his thoughts are subject to change. He is fickle and unreliable. If he was still with you, he'd destroy you. People don't change so quickly. Behaviorial patterns and habits take a very long time to correct. If he treated you like crap. He'll treat her like crap as well.

 

The lack of self-respect and worth is preventing you from seeing him for what he is. It is also the driving source of your problem. So this isn't about love or feelings as it is more to do with your own fears/insecurities. It fuels your addiction to him. Makes you tolerate things that destroy you just for that drop of love. Just like a heroin addict would bend backwards for a fix. You'll bend backwards for his approval to get yours.

 

You must see that you are indeed worthy of kindness, compassion, understanding and generally, the receiving of love. To get there and to fix this problem, you'll have to discover your own worth.

 

- Beach

Edited June 5, 2018 by Beachead

[Arieswoman]

Hurtx10,

It used to bother me, but not any more. The day will come when it won't bother you either.

 

 

Remember that no-one changes their basic core personalty. If he was an a-hole with you then he's still an a-hole with her.

 

 

 

What you know for sure from this is, that her tolerance level for taking crap is higher than yours.

 

 

Remember, she isn't better than you, you are better than that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hurtx10,

It used to bother me, but not any more. The day will come when it won't bother you either.

 

 

Remember that no-one changes their basic core personalty. If he was an a-hole with you then he's still an a-hole with her.

 

 

 

What you know for sure from this is, that her tolerance level for taking crap is higher than yours.

 

 

Remember, she isn't better than you, you are better than that.

 

 

This. Nobody just magically changes. My long term ex that was extremely critical towards me during the entire relationship with constant put downs and hurtful comments eventually met someone who he now married. When I see her, all I see is a woman who must have a super high tolerance level for taking s_it. I don't think for a second that he is a different person now.

[Timshel]

I think this is what's bothering me more then him being with someone else.

I can't get over the way he treated me! Even when I found out about her, he called and yelled at me saying why did I have to ruin his day- but wasn't my day ruined by finding out- he gave no ****s about my feelings. I hate how he treated me. Why couldn't be nice about it and just tell me NICELY like hello I'm human selfish bastard. And I know blanco, why am surprised when he was like this throughout the whole relationship. I can't wrap my head around it it's haunting me.

 

 

You can wrap your mind around this. It can't haunt you unless you allow it, it's your decision. The simple truth is that this person does not love you. He does not love you.

 

 

Hurt, there are many people in this world. This one person that you have decided has so much power over you...is only important because you have decided he is. You can decide that his opinion is not important.

 

 

 

There are people you may not have met yet Hurt, who love you for exactly who you are.

 

 

 

There are many, many people on planet earth Hurt, the sooner you embrace this fact and let go of the idea 'there is only what is in front of me even though it hurts,' the better.

 

 

The truth is that you two are not good for each other. That means there is someone more compatible for both of you.

 

Let go and embrace your future.

[ItsJustMyOpinion]

It really sucks, especially if they left you for them.

 

However, you have 2 options.

 

You can either cry about it and dwell on the fact, or you can move on.

 

The sooner you choose to move on, the sooner you'll be doing alright. Choose yourself, and choose to move on.

[magnesium]

I think this is what's bothering me more then him being with someone else.

I can't get over the way he treated me! Even when I found out about her, he called and yelled at me saying why did I have to ruin his day- but wasn't my day ruined by finding out- he gave no ****s about my feelings. I hate how he treated me. Why couldn't be nice about it and just tell me NICELY like hello I'm human selfish bastard. And I know blanco, why am surprised when he was like this throughout the whole relationship. I can't wrap my head around it it's haunting me.

 

Hurt, I can't say for sure, but I think you might be experiencing cognitive dissonance. Basically, you got used to the terrible behaviour thrust upon you, or in other words, you were conditioned over time to tolerate worse and worse behavior. His behavior got incrementally worse towards you over a period of time, and your tolerance to put up with his BS increased.

 

Now he ditched you, and is with someone else. The new girl is getting the golden treatment (for now), while you were thrown out like garbage. Your brain is trying to compute all the abuse and the crazymaking to come up with a rational explanation for a completely irrational situation.

 

There is a term called "trauma bond" where you are essentially addicted to your abuser. You hate the guy, but you can't get him out of your head. Again, this trauma bond is created by "sweet and mean" cycles by the abuser. The best analogy for this would be to think of a gambling addict. The gambler keeps playing hoping for a win, even though he is losing all his money. In other words, you tried your best, you compromised yourself to try to get your abusive boyfriend to be "sweet" to you but instead, you get his good side once in a while, and more often than not, he treats you horribly. This pattern slowly started to destroy your own self-worth; he was calling the shots on what you are worth, not you.

 

You have lots of healing to do; what you went through is not a normal breakup. NO CONTACT is absolutely mandatory. There are support groups and plenty of youtube videos to educate you about this kind of thing.

[Vanity1]

You can wrap your mind around this. It can't haunt you unless you allow it, it's your decision. The simple truth is that this person does not love you. He does not love you.

 

 

Hurt, there are many people in this world. This one person that you have decided has so much power over you...is only important because you have decided he is. You can decide that his opinion is not important.

 

 

 

There are people you may not have met yet Hurt, who love you for exactly who you are.

 

 

 

There are many, many people on planet earth Hurt, the sooner you embrace this fact and let go of the idea 'there is only what is in front of me even though it hurts,' the better.

 

 

The truth is that you two are not good for each other. That means there is someone more compatible for both of you.

 

Let go and embrace your future.

 

I have no control of it bothering me, I have no control of how I feel if I did I'd be ok. During the day I'm ok...its early in the mornings Im subconsciously thinking about it then I fully wake up from panick or anxiety I can't explain it. And it's not from longing for him or missing him or him being with someone else. Scenerios when I was with him run through my head, when I'm awake I can block it out and distract myself for the most part.

Edited June 6, 2018 by Hurtx10

[brokenheart901]

I don't know why it's bothering me so much.

I know this guy is a compulsive liar, a cheater, a leech, ect ect...so what exactly is bothering me when I know he is no good? And I know the new girl will get the same treatment.

 

I'm hurting and I don't know for what? I wasn't happy, I got treated like poop.

Idk if what I'm feeling is even real. I just know I'm sad about something.

 

 

Share your feelings ☺️

 

Same thing with me but its my ex gf in this case. I know she's no good and has very low value and doesnt deserve a second of my time. I dont want her. I want the idea of her that I had in my head, which can never happen. Sometimes you wish they could change to meet the idea that you have of them in your head, but they never do.

[Arieswoman]

I think that's avery good point, brokenheart.

 

 

How many of us make the mistake of falling in love with what we think they are instead of what they really are?

 

Once we realise that we have duped ourselves, it's hard to accept that the hologram we had created just didn't exist.

 

 

 

However, we need to forgive ourselves for making that mistake and move on.

[Timshel]

I have no control of it bothering me, I have no control of how I feel if I did I'd be ok. During the day I'm ok...its early in the mornings Im subconsciously thinking about it then I fully wake up from panick or anxiety I can't explain it. And it's not from longing for him or missing him or him being with someone else. Scenerios when I was with him run through my head, when I'm awake I can block it out and distract myself for the most part.

 

 

I have the same experiences, I understand. After my husband passed I had and still do have sleep disturbance. My mind processes information from the past and sometimes from the present day that will wake me up from delta sleep in a panic.

 

I am examining the worst possible scenario/regret from a memory with every way I failed and could have done better. Or current scenarios that I relive and have a deeper understanding of which usually are not good.

Right, not easy to explain.

 

 

It's PTSD, https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd

 

 

I have learned to redirect my thoughts, the middle of the night is in fact not a productive time for deep contemplation.

 

 

 

Talk to a physician, support group and/or therapist.

Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing. The more time and distance from your ex, the better you will feel.

Best wishes.

[heavenonearth]

Do you think it's possible for him to truly like this girl and treat her better? He first told me he doesn't love her or even like her like that. But then told me when he was upset with me that she's more of a woman then I'd ever be because she takes care of her two kids and I chose to have an abortion when he really wanted the kid, mind you he wasn't even there for me through any of it. He just has a way of making me feel worthless. He said she's more braver for keeping two kids from two different guys.

 

You should be happy he is out of your life.

In a while, you will be over it and you will look back at this moment and think "Urgh, why did I waste so much energy on crying about this break up, crying about this man being with someone else... etc etc etc"

Because, truly, this man is not worthy of you!

You deserve someone who's there for you when you need them.

 

I hope you can move on from this. I recommend therapy.

[mistakemaker1]

yes n i got my relationship back it took 6 months of depression, sacrafice and always answering texts and being the best you can be for a woman who betrayed you n being a door mat. its so hard thats why its almost impossibble, but i did it, , but now were fighting again, its been 5 years since i won her back, now i have to do it again, fml

[MissLoveless]

I don't know why it's bothering me so much.

I know this guy is a compulsive liar, a cheater, a leech, ect ect...so what exactly is bothering me when I know he is no good? And I know the new girl will get the same treatment.

 

I'm hurting and I don't know for what? I wasn't happy, I got treated like poop.

Idk if what I'm feeling is even real. I just know I'm sad about something.

 

 

Share your feelings ☺️

Wow, it's like you're describing the situation with my ex. He's no good: no job, addicted to pills, and had no car until his new girl bought him one and they've only been dating for a couple weeks. She has him on a pedestal and thinks he's this amazing guy. She introduced him to her 3 small children. One is a newborn and the other two are toddlers. This guy has a prison record and she still puts him above her kids. Meanwhile, I'm here sad over a guy who did not treat me well, is going nowhere with his life, and even threatened to kill me when I left him. I've been trying to get past the feeling of worthlessness and being replaced. I workout a lot more and joined a support group. Good luck to us all!

Edited June 15, 2018 by MissLoveless