SO lied about 3rd job because of fear, he thought I would stop him from saving money

[BrazenCrow]

Hey guys back again. Long time no see! I'm still with him. For the new folks,

 

We're both mid twenties, I'm F he's M. We've lived together for a few years, and we've been seeing each other almost daily from 2013 onward. He says he wants to marry me, says he trusts/loves/wants to look out for me/ect. I love him too. But it's a slower, more constant love. His love is bright and sharp and easy to exhaust, or rekindle. Earlier this year (and let's be honest, pretty much every year like clock work) he almost broke it all off, but we've been able to bring it back together recently. It seemed solid. But while out with friends, the topic of his three jobs came up. He doesn't have three, he has two. I almost spoke up, and he stopped me, and I covered for it by bringing up another job related topic until I got him alone.

 

He does have three. He has for months. He has worked it out well, clearly. He'd tell me he was going in at 10 or something, but he's actually be going to job #3, then #2 in the afternoon or ect. You get the idea. He'd slip in a little here a little there. He even said he'd get out of obligations/things (exercising even) he wasn't very fond of by saying he needed to work, and he'd schedule to go there to cover for it. When asked why he didn't want to tell me, he said he needed to save up for a car. I agree he does, and I back that goal, so why hide it? Because he thought I wouldn't let him. I, who give him pretty much everything he asked for, and have stated multiple times I would meet his savings amount for his car, who has gone car shopping with him, who loans him my other vehicle, wouldn't allow him to save up.

 

If he had just said he was saving up for a vacation or something and hadn't wanted me to know/it was a surprise or something, it would of been fine. But no, he didn't tell me out of fear.

 

Here's where gets annoying. He always wants to turn himself into the victim, he says things like "I just wanted to have a good evening with you" "can we just let this go? I wanted to have fun" "I didn't lie, did I?" "Aren't I allowed to have a few things to myself?" "This is why I can't tell you things!"

 

^that last one is infuriating to me. I don't mind a third job/saving money for a car. I mind him hiding it! Whenever something comes to light accidentally he has a habit of seeing the resulting mess as a product of the thing itself, when it is almost never the thing, but more the hiding of it. I don't like secrecy. We've talked at length about radical honesty and that I require it from him. He had said he would.

 

And my personal favorite "are you going to be silent through dinner then yell at me tonight?"

 

I do not yell at him, I am not a rager, him saying that cut deep. "You're the yeller, not me. How dare you" I basically snarled at him. Instead of being apologetic he snarled back "yeah well you have in the past!" Or some such stupid argument. Honestly it's infuriating. It's like he wants so badly to get anything out of me, good or bad, when I'm just trying to think and eat dinner.

 

Anyway he continued on the evening trying to encourage me to be upbeat and happy, and I wasn't feeling it but I wasn't rude. I was present and communicating. At one point he started going down the self defeating road too, poor me, I suck, I'm horrible, I don't deserve you, ect. I greatly dislike this direction and alway tell him if he can't respect himself why should I? Luckily we got distracted and the topic changed.

 

I had left when he got home (I made it first) and I would reject his calls but was texting. I was walking around and didn't want to air dirty laundry. He turned it around to himself pretty fast, making it out that I was the bad guy for leaving, not answering the phone, not wanting to talk it out, he was done, fine, have it your way, ect. Nothing changed when I got home and I ended up spooning him so we could sleep as I didn't want to be up all night!

 

I'm going to try to talk to him more today, I'm hoping he doesn't just sigh and ask why I'm making a big deal out of it.

[Whoknew30]

This is the problem with combining finances before marriage. Unless you have actually taken steps to spend your lives together, he doesn’t owe you explanation about his money. He didn’t want you to know & he has every right. You also don’t have obligation to tell him all your finances, if you do that’s your choice.

 

Saying “I want To marry you” & saying “marry me” are two different things. You guys are boyfriend & girlfriend until you’re not...which means no real commitment & both to see if this is what you want in life. You guys don’t owe each other anything & if it upset you how he handles things you have the choice of deciding what you want for your future. He already gave you his explanation that’s it...if you want to know if he’d not be open if you guys got married, is a different conversation but as of now...he has the right to feel you would’ have let him save, just bc you don’t agree doesn’t mean his feelings aren’t validated.

[d0nnivain]

3 jobs & he still can't make ends meet? Have you & him ever sat down & done an actual budget . . .you know money coming in vs. expenses? Maybe if you see where the money is going you can find a way to still save & stop squabbling.

 

 

At least you know he's industrious but him hiding things is a problem. Money is a # 1 cause of divorce. You can't move forward until you work this out.

[clia]

H

He does have three. He has for months. He has worked it out well, clearly. He'd tell me he was going in at 10 or something, but he's actually be going to job #3, then #2 in the afternoon or ect. You get the idea. He'd slip in a little here a little there. He even said he'd get out of obligations/things (exercising even) he wasn't very fond of by saying he needed to work, and he'd schedule to go there to cover for it. When asked why he didn't want to tell me, he said he needed to save up for a car. I agree he does, and I back that goal, so why hide it? Because he thought I wouldn't let him. I, who give him pretty much everything he asked for, and have stated multiple times I would meet his savings amount for his car, who has gone car shopping with him, who loans him my other vehicle, wouldn't allow him to save up.

 

Why does he think you wouldn't let him save money? Have you been controlling in the past about money?

[Mr. Lucky]

Earlier this year (and let's be honest, pretty much every year like clock work) he almost broke it all off, but we've been able to bring it back together recently.

 

After reading this, the rest is just details. BrazenCrow, the first couple of years in the relationship are the relatively easy ones. Add in children, careers, elderly family members and other life events and the challenges mount. If his MO is to cut and run when faced with difficulty, doesn't seem like you'll have much stability to build on.

 

Love may be "easy to exhaust", commitment shouldn't be...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BrazenCrow]

Saying “I want To marry you” & saying “marry me” are two different things.

 

He has asked. We actually have a date set for this year where by then, we need to have figured out our issues. We both agreed to go two feet in and treat each other like a spouse while we navigate this.

 

3 jobs & he still can't make ends meet? Have you & him ever sat down & done an actual budget.

 

We've tried, I do a better job of it with my two jobs then he does!

 

Why does he think you wouldn't let him save money? Have you been controlling in the past about money?

 

Nope. He pays the bills and has the final say in what we spend, as I have a habit of saying "I want to buy _____, is it a good time to do so?"

 

The first couple of years in the relationship are the relatively easy ones. Love may be "easy to exhaust", commitment shouldn't be.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's my fear. How can I expect improvement afterwards, when this is his attempt at maintaining me? This is him trying? He has a whole lot of talk, I know that. And I so badly want to trust him. But his behaviors scare me. Today he said "I may want to sometimes, and I do think/talk about it, but I never could leave you" it was supposed to be comforting, but it wasn't!

[Mr. Lucky]

Today he said "I may want to sometimes, and I do think/talk about it, but I never could leave you"

 

My wife says the same thing, but she substitutes "smother you with a pillow" for "leave you" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

I see trouble ahead for you OP. It's not so much the 3rd job or how he handles his finances, it's the way he communicates with you. First of all not telling you about the job was a way of him not communicating with you and then when you wanted to talk about that he starts deflecting by talking nonsense. He starts accusing you of behaviours which you say are not even true. Like you wouldn't let him save if you knew but you actually encourage him to save, or you are going to yell at him but you're not the one who yells.

 

This kind of discussion is exhausting and it just goes in circles. I had a boyfriend like him once. He would or say something really hurtful and God help me if I dared to even mention it. Then he would roll his eyes and say "oh here we go, now I suppose your going to spend the rest of the day telling me what a worthless loser I am". What?!! I don't talk to people like that. I don't think anyone is a worthless loser. He was the one who talked about people like that. But this was a typical response to anything I said that he deemed not 100% supportive and loving of him. His response was to twist it back onto me so instead of even talking about the original topic I would end up defending myself and trying to correct completely false accusations.

 

This childish behaviour never got better, it only got worse. By the time we ended he pretty much had me trained to never question him or speak up to him about my feelings because if I did it would just turn into a long tirade of how awful I make him feel, how I am abusing him by even saying he hurt my feelings. Not saying your boyfriend is as bad as mine was because mine was extreme, but I do see similarities and I can only say you can't have a grown up adult relationship with someone who acts like that.

 

I would strongly recommend some premarital counselling.

[Whoknew30]

He has asked. We actually have a date set for this year where by then, we need to have figured out our issues. We both agreed to go two feet in and treat each other like a spouse while we navigate this.

 

 

 

We've tried, I do a better job of it with my two jobs then he does!

 

 

 

Nope. He pays the bills and has the final say in what we spend, as I have a habit of saying "I want to buy _____, is it a good time to do so?"

 

 

 

That's my fear. How can I expect improvement afterwards, when this is his attempt at maintaining me? This is him trying? He has a whole lot of talk, I know that. And I so badly want to trust him. But his behaviors scare me. Today he said "I may want to sometimes, and I do think/talk about it, but I never could leave you" it was supposed to be comforting, but it wasn't!

 

 

If you guys have a actual date set & you whole heartedly don’t understand why he didn’t tell you...meaning there’s absolutely nothing you can think of for the reason he didn’t trust to tell. I would definitely be rethinking a wedding.

 

Also don’t rely on “I’ll never leave you” bc it doesn’t mean anything...why if in a happy loving engagement would someone even say that....& in my experience the men that say that meaning no matter are the men that can’t be trusted. Words are nice but mean nothing if the actions don’t follow...good luck