Lost my sparkle since break up 2 years ago

[Casio167]

Hi, just looking to see if other people have had experiences similar, or if they have any insight or advice. Thanks in advance. I was going out with a guy for almost two years, we broke up almost two years ago. I’m female, 30.

For the most part I have recovered, I’m seeing someone new that is lovely. But there feels like there is just something not right about me since it happened. I loved that person very deeply and thought that we would get married. The break up was horrible, I was blindsided by it and there were some actions relating to the nature of how the break up happened that were very selfish on his part and had deeply hurt me. He never gave me a solid reason.

 

It has decimated me for the better part of a year and I’m posting here because I seem to have lost my sparkle. I’m now into year two following the break up and that sparkle is still missing for me. I’m actually crying as I type this out, I used to have such high hopes for myself, I was ambitious, doing very well in my studies, confident in starting my career, and I had worked very hard to feel that way about myself. I used to pray daily, as a spiritual person, it was my way of connecting to myself, and I dont want to do that anymore, there doesn’t feel like there’s any point.

No longer going out with that person is a blessing, I would have been in a worse off position staying with him in the long run and the time away from him has made me see this, but I have just lost myself and have no idea if it’ll ever come back. I feel like I’ve let myself down by falling so deeply in love with someone who when it came to push wasn’t all that bothered about me. I feel like I can no longer trust myself I suppose.

 

There is a great void and sadness in me since the break up, but it doesn’t seem to be about the actual ex, but more having lost myself utterly, like part of me has died or something. I cant really make sense of it, I’m wondering if anyone has any insight or similar experiences?....also it sounds terribly dramatic when written down hence why I’ve come online instead of confiding in pals!!

 

Thanks for reading.

[Poutrew]

It sounds to me as though you weren't fully over your old bf before you acquired your present day bf. You may think your present guy doesn't know anything about it, but I can assure you that deep down he knows something is not right. However you do it, if you don't get rid of the remnants of your old relationship that are holding you down, you will eventually loose you present day boyfriend... I can tell you that if I were him and I found out how much control the old bf still has on you, I'd break things off with you.

[Casio167]

Thanks for replying Poutrew. It’s not really to do with the old boyfriend to be honest though, although it has something to do with the break up, but more to do with me having lost some sort of spark inside me. I care very much for the person I’m with now, but I seem to have lost something inside of me.

[anduina]

Have you ever heard of practicing self-compassion?

 

Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.[1]

 

• Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
  
• Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
  
• Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one's negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.[2] Conversely, mindfulness requires that one not be "over-identified" with mental or emotional phenomena, so that one suffers aversive reactions.[3] This latter type of response involves narrowly focusing and ruminating on one's negative emotions.[4]
  

[magnesium]

Have you heard about how a caterpillar turns into ooze but then becomes a butterfly?

 

Metaphorically, that is what is happening to you. Some part of you, a certain kind of 'self' you have identified with, is in conflict of reality today.

 

This loss, or pain, you are feeling, is a sign that you are evolving.

 

The truth of who you are can never be taken away.

 

Maybe that last breakup which rocked your world was the catalyst to promote some serious inner growth.

[Mentor99]

It has decimated me for the better part of a year and I’m posting here because I seem to have lost my sparkle. I’m now into year two following the break up and that sparkle is still missing for me. I’m actually crying as I type this out, I used to have such high hopes for myself, I was ambitious, doing very well in my studies, confident in starting my career, and I had worked very hard to feel that way about myself. I used to pray daily, as a spiritual person, it was my way of connecting to myself, and I dont want to do that anymore, there doesn’t feel like there’s any point.

 

It sounds on the surface like depression. Losing your sparkle is actually a very good way to describe it. I'd see a professional if you can. And in the meantime, exercise, eating healthy and getting a good night's sleep are where you can focus your attention.

 

I have just lost myself and have no idea if it’ll ever come back. I feel like I’ve let myself down by falling so deeply in love with someone who when it came to push wasn’t all that bothered about me. I feel like I can no longer trust myself I suppose.

 

As someone else said, you have to forgive yourself and show yourself some compassion. Many of us have fallen for somebody that wasn't a good match. It can be a very good learning experience and help you get in touch with your core values.

 

There is a great void and sadness in me since the break up, but it doesn’t seem to be about the actual ex, but more having lost myself utterly, like part of me has died or something. I cant really make sense of it, I’m wondering if anyone has any insight or similar experiences?

 

Again this sounds like depression (I'm not a professional though). We are constantly changing throughout our lives; parts of us die, and new parts are born. You may have lost some of your innocence for example, but you've gained wisdom and can use this experience to gain a better understanding of yourself moving forward.