Trick87 Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) Hello all, my wife and I are having some issues. We have been together 10 years, married for 6. We have 3 kids ages 7,4,1. Last April, I started working the midnight shift as a police/fire dispatcher working a 4 on and 2 off schedule. Over the last 2 months, my wife told me we she isn’t feeling the same about our marriage. My wife is a stay at home Mom with our 1 and 4 year old and I typically try to sleep 9am-4pm because when my 2 oldest are together, the noise level gets out of control so my best chance is to sleep during the morning. My wife stated she feels lonely when going to bed at night and hated it. Now, working midnights is definitely stressful. I’m a light sleeper and when I get woken up it’s very tough to fall back asleep even with sleep aids. And when I get woken up when I don’t get enough sleep; I get agitated more. I’ve talked to many of my friends who ar cops, nurses, nurses assistants and warehouse workers who work that shift and all agree that your personality changes on that shift. My wife is a pretty quiet person and it took her a while to actually say something was up. She said she was “forcing herself” to kiss and hug me and be happy but was falling out of love with me. She didn’t tell me all this until months after she started feeling that. Now we are at the point where she wants a divorce and doesn’t want to be with me at all anymore. It has definitely broken my heart. I’ve tried to explain to her that I know I’ve changed and that I don’t want to be like this anymore and will look for a new job. But her response is that will be good for your next girlfriend and I don’t know why she has turned into this person and could just “ditch” repairing our marriage. The two of us have gone to marriage counseling and my wife stated she didn’t see a change; I told her it takes more then one session but she no longer wants to do counseling. How can I get her to fall in love with me again. We have been through so much and I would never want to have to find my soulmate again. Also, we have always lived with her parents in a large inlaw apartment. My wife claims that being on our own for the first time has giving us a chance to see the real us and who we really are but I don’t believe that. I believe it’s the midnight shift personality and lack of sleep by me which has made us fight more over the last year then we have ever fought before. All suggestions welcome. Edited June 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) I could give you my suggestion, but I doubt you will follow it and some may not agree. 1. Tell her she can have the divorce. 2. Get an attorney. 3. Move out ASAP. 4. Move on. From this date forward, treat her like an ex-wife. See you kids and give her child support. No more than that. No fixing things, no favors, nothing. Edited June 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 She sounds pretty selfish & unwilling to do the work. Does she actually think her life & your children's lives get better as a single parent? You two took vows & she's not living up to them. 1 session with a marriage counselor is ridiculous. She isn't trying. You can't save this marriage alone. You can try to get her to tell you what would make things better for her but I doubt she will be able to tell you. All she wants is out. She's probably overwhelmed with 3 young kids but that is no excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Check your phone bill just because. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 My daughter gets miserable when she works the night shift in the hospital so I understand where your wife is coming from. I can't imagine what raising three young children while you work all those hours and sleep all those hours would be like. Probably the main change she's looking for is more normal working hours. Is there a way that you can make that happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trick87 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 My daughter gets miserable when she works the night shift in the hospital so I understand where your wife is coming from. I can't imagine what raising three young children while you work all those hours and sleep all those hours would be like. Probably the main change she's looking for is more normal working hours. Is there a way that you can make that happen? I am actively looking daily for positions on the day shift. I am trying to start my own business, but I feel like a divorce would scrap those plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trick87 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 She sounds pretty selfish & unwilling to do the work. Does she actually think her life & your children's lives get better as a single parent? You two took vows & she's not living up to them. 1 session with a marriage counselor is ridiculous. She isn't trying. You can't save this marriage alone. You can try to get her to tell you what would make things better for her but I doubt she will be able to tell you. All she wants is out. She's probably overwhelmed with 3 young kids but that is no excuse. And I told her she was being selfish since I’ve bent over backwards to support this family and she can just turn away from me and fall out of love. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I am actively looking daily for positions on the day shift. I am trying to start my own business, but I feel like a divorce would scrap those plans. No it won't, it shouldn't anyway. Maybe you can find a girlfriend or at least a roommate to move in with who can help with all those expenses your wife isn't pitching in. If you want it badly enough you'll make it happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trick87 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 No it won't, it shouldn't anyway. Maybe you can find a girlfriend or at least a roommate to move in with who can help with all those expenses your wife isn't pitching in. If you want it badly enough you'll make it happen. Ya, I can tell right now it’s going to just be me trying to fix this, which from other couples has worked when one of them wanted out. And I would like to give her space, but I have no relatives in the area. They all live over an hour and a half away. And I work 3 mins from my house so I wouldn’t want to be so inconvenienced to have a normal day just to give her space. And she doesn’t drive so she can’t just go out. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 Suggest to her that if she drove maybe she'd feel better about a lot of things, including your marriage. She must feel trapped. She can't go out at night because you are working. She can't go out during the day because you are sleeping. It's got to be frustrating but she isn't appreciating what she does have -- a faithful partner who is doing the best he can to support the family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 (edited) I could give you my suggestion, but I doubt you will follow it and some may not agree. 1. Tell her she can have the divorce. 2. Get an attorney. 3. Move out ASAP. 4. Move on. From this date forward, treat her like an ex-wife. See you kids and give her child support. No more than that. No fixing things, no favors, nothing. I've been though divorce and I can tell you this is good advice that I wished I'd followed. Doing this is REALLY HARD, but if you can, it will serve you well. You have to make her miss you. And respect you. She won't respect you if you're begging for her love back. Don't initiate any contact with her, except inasfar as necessary for kids, logistics etc. Be cautious with the attorney part though, once you give them free reign, they can file stuff that's unnecessarily abrasive and damaging. Getting an attorney is a good idea, just be careful with who and how they handle your case. Edited June 5, 2018 by fredflint 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 Last April, I started working the midnight shift as a police/fire dispatcher working a 4 on and 2 off schedule. Over the last 2 months, my wife told me we she isn’t feeling the same about our marriage. My wife is a stay at home Mom with our 1 and 4 year old and I typically try to sleep 9am-4pm because when my 2 oldest are together, the noise level gets out of control so my best chance is to sleep during the morning. In my younger years, worked in the bar/nightclub business with similar hours. Of the dozen or so guys I knew in the business that were married, only two made it to the ten-year mark with marital union intact - and I wasn't one of them. Honestly, it's not much of a life for your partner. You're either working, sleeping or grouchy. You may simply have to accept she's walking away. Sorry this has happened to you and your family... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trick87 Posted June 5, 2018 Author Share Posted June 5, 2018 I've been though divorce and I can tell you this is good advice that I wished I'd followed. Doing this is REALLY HARD, but if you can, it will serve you well. You have to make her miss you. And respect you. She won't respect you if you're begging for her love back. Don't initiate any contact with her, except inasfar as necessary for kids, logistics etc. Be cautious with the attorney part though, once you give them free reign, they can file stuff that's unnecessarily abrasive and damaging. Getting an attorney is a good idea, just be careful with who and how they handle your case. How can I get her to miss me? We have to live together right now. We literally can’t afford a divorce. Nor attorneys. I just want my wife back. I know I’ve got to her to miss me, but how. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 She is having an affair. She is following the typical affair script to the letter! She isn't feeling the same about your marriage because she wants to be with someone else. She is "forcing herself" to hug and kiss you because she feels she is "cheating" on her new lover. I bet she doesn't get undressed or changed in front of you any more either. She's falling out of love with you because she is into someone else. She went to 1 MC session just so she could say she tried it but made her excuses straight away. You know why she is so sure it won't get better after more sessions? Because she is seeing someone else. She either knows its a waste of time, or is worried the MC will discover the truth. Discussing a marriage whilst hiding an affair is hard. Such a web of lies. Maybe your work schedule contributed to a disconnect between you, but at this stage I think that's water under the bridge and changing that won't save the marriage. There's nothing you can do while she is seeing someone else. So, step 1: find facts / proof of the affair. Step 2: shock and awe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 Wake up dude. Stay at home moms with minor children and no means of financial support just don't get up and leave marriages out of loneliness or boredom. 1. Somebody is cheating. 2. Somebody is abusive. 3. Somebody is addicted or engaging in criminal activity. I would say the odds are number one since you're involved in the police/fire department with a ton of alpha males. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 (edited) How can I get her to miss me? We have to live together right now. We literally can’t afford a divorce. Nor attorneys. I just want my wife back. I know I’ve got to her to miss me, but how. If you only remember three words, remember these: focus on yourself. Don't necessarily ignore her but don't let her consume all your time and thoughts. Then do what would be good for YOU. Make plans in case you divorce. Immediately get control of joint assets. Work out. Socialize. Spend time with your kids. Whatever would make YOUR life better and your kids lives better if you were without her. Because essentially, you are without her right now. She's only there physically. The faster you adapt to that reality the better. When you fall out of a boat, you stop rowing. Your marriage has fallen out of the boat. If you're not in it together, that means the boat has disappeared. There is no marriage if she's not trying. You don't want to keep working on rowing the marriage forward now, because it's not there right now. So don't do that. It's a sucker move, a failing strategy and unattractive. Therefore you stop working on the relationship now, and you swim to shore. You look out for yourself. Not to her detriment, not to hurt her or get revenge but for your own good. Because that is the smart, strong and attractive thing to do in the circumstances, and she will notice. She'll notice you're moving on if you're not pursuing fixing things. Don't try to fix it by talking or pleading or begging. Fix it by adapting to the reality. That's the most attractive you can be. Don't try to initiate conversations with her, unless its about kids and their needs. Don't have any need to talk to her right now. Especially not talking about your relationship. If you focus on yourself, she might come around and suggest working on the marriage again. That's your best chance. If this happens, and she does suggest trying again, be skeptical and take it slow. She might just be testing to see if she still has you as an option at first. So don't just jump all over her offer. Get proof that she's sincere, like her attendance at counseling. Get ready with your plan for what you need from her if that happens. Edited June 5, 2018 by fredflint Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 And I told her she was being selfish since I’ve bent over backwards to support this family and she can just turn away from me and fall out of love. She can just fall out of love, unfortunately. Calling her names won't help. Don't argue with her right now. Focus on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 How can I get her to miss me? We have to live together right now. We literally can’t afford a divorce. Nor attorneys. I just want my wife back. I know I’ve got to her to miss me, but how. You can't. It's not about missing you. At some point a switch flipped & she doesn't even like you. She won't miss you. She just wants out. Who knows what he reasons are. But she's not even trying & she's not going to. Find a way to afford an attorney. You also have to get her out. Send her back to mom & dad. That's where you two were living previously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 I am actively looking daily for positions on the day shift. I am trying to start my own business, but I feel like a divorce would scrap those plans. A start up business requires a huge amount of personal attention and long hours. The reason why the failure rate far exceeds the success rate is people don't don't or won't do it once they discover that reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 She can just fall out of love, unfortunately. Not likely....this one is textbook. Link to post Share on other sites
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