Confused and need other's views

[lifeisdifficult]

After 10 years together, I no longer :

- have romantic feeling for my husband (sex just makes me aggravated)

- want to do things with him (our time together is not 'special' and I get aggravated)

- listen to him (when he talks I get aggravated because I am simply not interested in anything he has to say)

 

The only talking I enjoy with him is heart to hearts because I feel it is productive.

 

However, despite all that... I love and respect him. He is truly a nice and good person.

 

We don't have kids.

 

There is a big language barrier because I don't speak his language and he does not speak very clearly in English. I have no interest to learn his language (this may come across as lazy or lacking effort and I'm happy to discuss this.)

 

I am seeing a marriage counselor. When my husband and I visited him for the first time, he said that my husband is black&white/straightforward. He said that he would need to continue to see me because I have a lot of issues (underweight, confused about who I am and what I want and family issues). I have continued seeing the counselor and it has really helped me to face my issues (which is great!)

 

So here I am. I love my husband but half of me wants to leave and live alone. The other half shows me great sadness (like in a crystal ball) if he were to no longer exist in my everyday life.

 

Yesterday, I suggested we turn the dining room into a separate room (that we never use) for me to live and sleep in. I want to do everything I depend on myself (shopping, cooking, laundry, etc...). I would also like to separate our bank accounts. For some strange reason, I am becoming a minimalist and have a desire to have a simple living space. Perhaps it is because I feel I have lost control and need to simplify things in order to regain control of my life.

 

I don't think he likes this idea very much. Also, I think my mom would freak out if I did something like that. (I feel judged by my family frequently.)

Edited June 5, 2018 by lifeisdifficult
title was wrong

[stillafool]

Why not just move out? Why stay if you are no longer happy?

[fredflint]

After 10 years together, I no longer :

- have romantic feeling for my husband (sex just makes me aggravated)

- want to do things with him (our time together is not 'special' and I get aggravated)

- listen to him (when he talks I get aggravated because I am simply not interested in anything he has to say)

 

<snip>

 

I find it hard to understand why you remain in that relationship without kids. Residual attachment I guess? But your life is ticking by.... do you want to spend the rest of it without passion? Yes, a breakup after 10 years will be really hard... but if you want an omelette, you have to break eggs. Go to counseling if you think it will help, but this sounds too far gone to me. Better for you both to move on, I think. Or have more heart to hearts with him. ie. Do more of what works. Learning each other's languages should surely be an important step. I'm amazed that you can't yet communicate well after 10 years....

Edited June 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[lifeisdifficult]

Why not just move out? Why stay if you are no longer happy?

 

I suppose that is what will happen eventually. It is expensive to move and we need time to prepare. I don't think either of us makes enough money to keep the apartment alone.

 

I don't want the car nor do I want any of our possessions. It would make me happy if he kept everything.

 

My hope is that slowly separating will give us time to emotionally acclimatize to our new environment. Then we can plan the divorce and relocation.

 

Maybe this gradual approach is not what he wants. I know I am causing him a lot of pain and I will do whatever I can to make the transition easiest for him. I hope we can remain friends and still hug, kiss, and hold each other. However, I know most people are not like me and are not comfortable like that... I'm the strange one.

 

He is going away for a few weeks with his friends and I want to come to a final decision before he gets back.

[fredflint]

>I hope we can remain friends and still hug, kiss, and hold each other.

 

That would prolong the agony for both of you. Cruel to him, even, if he wants to stay together.

[lifeisdifficult]

I'm amazed that you can't yet communicate well after 10 years....

 

It does seem stupid, I know. Our effort there was not exactly great. There are many things in our story that I omitted (as is true for everyone on Earth). I wish we had done a lot of things differently. Such is life.

[lifeisdifficult]

>I hope we can remain friends and still hug, kiss, and hold each other.

 

That would prolong the agony for both of you. Cruel to him, even, if he wants to stay together.

 

Yes you are right. I will do my best to respect his wishes -- even if that means shutting the door completely.

 

Wow that is painful to think about!

[Mr. Lucky]

After 10 years together, I no longer :

- have romantic feeling for my husband (sex just makes me aggravated)

- want to do things with him (our time together is not 'special' and I get aggravated)

- listen to him (when he talks I get aggravated because I am simply not interested in anything he has to say)

 

The only talking I enjoy with him is heart to hearts because I feel it is productive.

 

However, despite all that... I love and respect him. He is truly a nice and good person.

 

What does this "nice and good" person do that causes you so much aggravation?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lifeisdifficult]

What does this "nice and good" person do that causes you so much aggravation?

 

It is not him explicitly. I think it is just our match. Being together does not bring fullness or joie de vivre. I love him but I'm not romantically in love with him. Only after 10 years of being together do I question my love and devotion to him (maybe even longer than that but I suppressed it). I think this has been creeping up on me for a long time but is only now dawning on me.

 

The aggravation is caused by my reflection of this and our spending time together. The more time we spend together, the more examples there are of our incompatibility. It is not to say we are completely incompatible. There are good things. I just don't think it is enough. His merely talking is what aggravates me the most. Not because he is being mean or anything. It is because it reminds me of how uninterested I am in him. Perhaps it isn't just the language thing, perhaps we just don't click in enough places to keep the fire going.

 

If we were just acquaintances / friends, it would be OK. But to be living together and forcing something that isn't true is hurting me. I don't think it is right for me to suffer this way for the rest of my life (all in the name of marriage and devotion).

 

That said, I'm doing the marriage counselling and taking my time with my decision. He is being understanding and supportive but it realize I don't have an eternity to decide; it would not be fair to him to keep things in limbo for too long.

[Mr. Lucky]

If we were just acquaintances / friends, it would be OK. But to be living together and forcing something that isn't true is hurting me. I don't think it is right for me to suffer this way for the rest of my life (all in the name of marriage and devotion).

 

Seems like a lot of "what" and not very much "why". lifeisdifficult, in a 10-year plus relationship, love ceases to be a noun. It's not a feeling or an emotion, those are fleeting and volatile. Love becomes a verb, it's based on your actions and efforts as we give and hopefully get something in return.

 

You write as though you've caught an emotional cold. Have you asked yourself what this approach implies for future relationships?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mentor99]

Seems like a lot of "what" and not very much "why". lifeisdifficult, in a 10-year plus relationship, love ceases to be a noun. It's not a feeling or an emotion, those are fleeting and volatile. Love becomes a verb, it's based on your actions and efforts as we give and hopefully get something in return.

 

You write as though you've caught an emotional cold. Have you asked yourself what this approach implies for future relationships?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Just quoting this one for truth. If you're digging deep to explain the problems in your marriage, and that's what you're posting, honestly there's not much there.

 

You're talking about a very ambiguous "aggravated" feeling, which you can't even pinpoint to him or any particular issue! Obviously you both have problems communicating, and I suspect marriage counselling will help you there. Marriages all have ups and down; feelings wax and wane. That's the nature of long term everything. Or life in general. Marriages are no different.

 

You're responsible for your own feelings - not him. What brings you joy? Laying that responsibility on him is unrealistic to say the least.

[lifeisdifficult]

Thank you both very much for your replies.

 

I agree that I cannot neglect the possibility that this is more of a "me" problem than "us".

 

I hate the expression "the grass is always greener on the other side" because it runs against my view that our difficulties are more to do with communication/common interest than my current upset emotional state. I WANT to believe it is our incompatibility. I WANT to believe that I can meet someone else in the future who speaks my language.

 

Also, "the grass is greener" suggests that humans in general are cursed with some kind of "I want more" disease.

 

It is a really conflicted place I'm in. Part of me has started to give up and I'm left really cynical about a lot of things.

[Mentor99]

Thank you both very much for your replies.

I agree that I cannot neglect the possibility that this is more of a "me" problem than "us".

 

All problems are "me" problems. When we're frustrated, aggravated, angry, upset, basically anything unpleasant, it's not because of the way things are (or the way your husband is), it's because of the way we think about way things are (or your husband is). When we fight with reality, we get upset. And reality always wins.

 

I hate the expression "the grass is always greener on the other side" because it runs against my view that our difficulties are more to do with communication/common interest than my current upset emotional state. I WANT to believe it is our incompatibility. I WANT to believe that I can meet someone else in the future who speaks my language.

 

The problem with thinking the grass is greener, is that there is ALWAYS greener grass (which means if you think the grass is greener, you can never be happy). The problem is with the thought that the grass is greener.

 

What made you fall for your husband in the first place?

 

Also, "the grass is greener" suggests that humans in general are cursed with some kind of "I want more" disease.

 

Yes exactly. People that are truly happy understand that happiness comes from within and therefore don't search for greener grass. It takes some time to figure that out. We're addicted to quick fixes, which are actually temporary distractions from our unhappiness. So we buy new things. Or drink alcohol. Or start a new relationship. Or have an affair. Or eat a chocolate bar. Or watch TV. Anything we can to distract ourselves. And we do get a temporary spike in happiness (or more accurately, drop in unhappiness). But it fades quickly, and we're driven to the next distraction.

 

I suspect you're unhappy and looking for your next distraction. You would do well to focus on how your thoughts are making you unhappy.

 

It is a really conflicted place I'm in. Part of me has started to give up and I'm left really cynical about a lot of things.

 

Yup, it sounds like you're conflicted. Now is a good time to really start to figure yourself out. Your counsellor suggested individual sessions and you can probably take them up on it.

[Striver]

lifeisdifficult, I do have some concerns for you. You seem to want to go wander off in an emotional desert. This does seem to be an issue more for women than men, to my knowledge (I'm a man, so can't speak directly.)

 

My concern is that when people go wandering off in ways that aren't healthy, it can be a lot harder to come back than it is to go wandering off. Life is too short not to love something. Try to love something. You have some feelings, seem to want something at times from your H. What if you are never in this life situation again? Not that there aren't other people, there are always other people. But what if you walk away and can never get yourself in even this position with anyone else again? Because you won't let yourself?

[S2B]

Do you make enough money to support yourself? Have you always made enough while married to support yourself?

 

Have you been involved with anyone else outside the marriage emotionally and/or physically?

 

Have you recently made any new friends?

[2.50 a gallon]

You keep making mention of communication and the language barrier.

What if he spoke your language fluently?

[notbroken]

Are you interested in anyone else?

[SunnyWeather]

After 10 years together, I no longer :

- have romantic feeling for my husband (sex just makes me aggravated)

- want to do things with him (our time together is not 'special' and I get aggravated)

- listen to him (when he talks I get aggravated because I am simply not interested in anything he has to say)

 

The only talking I enjoy with him is heart to hearts because I feel it is productive.

 

However, despite all that... I love and respect him. He is truly a nice and good person.

 

We don't have kids.

 

There is a big language barrier because I don't speak his language and he does not speak very clearly in English. I have no interest to learn his language (this may come across as lazy or lacking effort and I'm happy to discuss this.)

 

I am seeing a marriage counselor. When my husband and I visited him for the first time, he said that my husband is black&white/straightforward. He said that he would need to continue to see me because I have a lot of issues (underweight, confused about who I am and what I want and family issues). I have continued seeing the counselor and it has really helped me to face my issues (which is great!)

 

So here I am. I love my husband but half of me wants to leave and live alone. The other half shows me great sadness (like in a crystal ball) if he were to no longer exist in my everyday life.

 

Yesterday, I suggested we turn the dining room into a separate room (that we never use) for me to live and sleep in. I want to do everything I depend on myself (shopping, cooking, laundry, etc...). I would also like to separate our bank accounts. For some strange reason, I am becoming a minimalist and have a desire to have a simple living space. Perhaps it is because I feel I have lost control and need to simplify things in order to regain control of my life.

 

I don't think he likes this idea very much. Also, I think my mom would freak out if I did something like that. (I feel judged by my family frequently.)

 

I can't imagine a counselor saying someone would need to continue to stay with someone because they have 'issues'.

Are you talking about a mental health diagnosis that gives him guardianship?

 

Have you considered going on an extended retreat where you can explore your feelings in a setting that takes care of your needs and exposes you to guided soul searching? Finding out who you are and what you really want for yourself might be a good thing to do before you make big changes.

 

After getting some space, you very well might decide to separate, but you would do it with more clarity and certainty.

[stillafool]

I suppose that is what will happen eventually. It is expensive to move and we need time to prepare. I don't think either of us makes enough money to keep the apartment alone.

 

I don't want the car nor do I want any of our possessions. It would make me happy if he kept everything.

 

My hope is that slowly separating will give us time to emotionally acclimatize to our new environment. Then we can plan the divorce and relocation.

 

Maybe this gradual approach is not what he wants. I know I am causing him a lot of pain and I will do whatever I can to make the transition easiest for him. I hope we can remain friends and still hug, kiss, and hold each other. However, I know most people are not like me and are not comfortable like that... I'm the strange one.

 

He is going away for a few weeks with his friends and I want to come to a final decision before he gets back.

 

Since you don't want anything that is left there just move out. It's best to just cut and run. Pulling off the bandaid slowly just hurts more.

[S2B]

I'm trying to determine why you feel his protection... for lack of a better word.

 

Why aren't you able to go forward without letting go of him completely?

 

Is there any deficiency that's holding YOU back?

 

Please clarify if you will.

[preraph]

Be honest and tell him though part of you is desperate for your own space and needing simplification, the other part knows you'd probably miss him if you let him go. Maybe he will go along with the separate rooms.

A lot of couples eventually get separate rooms. You're not a freak. See if he'll do that step in lieu of separation for now and see how it goes. Most men get mad if they're not getting sex, though, and that is usually the point they can't handle. I'm glad you have a counselor and it's helping some. Ask for time. Couch it positively: I want to work on this, but I really need my own room right now.

[quankanne]

first off, kudos for seeing a counselor. You might not get all the answers you hope, but you WILL receive the tools you need to deal with issues, and that is a good thing.

 

secondly, do you think that you have become "immune" to him because you've been together 10 years, and frankly, because it's not what you expected it to be, you're not happy? Be honest with yourself, then be reassured that this is VERY normal in long-term relationships. Let's see if I can remember how it went with us: 6-7 years ... 12 years ... 16 years ... I think that was the last time I felt disconnected, we're now at 26 years, fairly steady.

 

what made a difference in our marriage (and he will be the first to admit it) is the Marriage Encounter Weekend, where we basically went back to the beginning of our relationship and looked at what it was that first attracted us to each other, then received the tools we needed to better communicate. And it's helped a lot.

 

another thing was the book "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman. A lot of our problem was that, even though we were getting better about communicating, we had different ways of showing love. And until I read that book, I didn't understand that he wasn't being unromantic, but was showing me love by being a good protector and provider.

 

mind you, there are days I'd like to choke the **** out of him, but that's short-term frustration on my end (and I'm sure on his), but we know that love is the bedrock of the relationship. And that makes a huge difference.

 

smiling to myself about the separate bedrooms. Hubs explained it as YOU snore too much and I can't sleep (yeah, like his doesn't wake the dead???), but we have separate rooms and it's worked out well. So don't ever underestimate the positive aspects of that arrangement!

 

one thing I am curious about: You say that you're still physically affectionate with him, even though you otherwise want your distance. Do you think if you were able to reconcile the two, you'd want to stay married? Because each person has his or her "way" of interacting, and it's not impossible to be completely opposite yet still be together. I'm thinking that if you can wrap your mind around these two disparate things, and understand that it can work out, splitting up might not be necessary.

 

hoping this helps, and remember ~ many relationships go through a "seven-year itch," where you get to wondering if you're better off without, and then you generally move past that stage. The trick is to be patient and to figure out how to improve what needs to be improved so that you find your center again as a couple.

[wearehappy]

Yes exactly. People that are truly happy understand that happiness comes from within and therefore don't search for greener grass. It takes some time to figure that out. We're addicted to quick fixes, which are actually temporary distractions from our unhappiness. So we buy new things. Or drink alcohol. Or start a new relationship. Or have an affair. Or eat a chocolate bar. Or watch TV. Anything we can to distract ourselves. And we do get a temporary spike in happiness (or more accurately, drop in unhappiness). But it fades quickly, and we're driven to the next distraction.

 

Well put. Had I seen this earlier I wouldn't be where I am: separated and my wife is determined to leave me.

Edited June 14, 2018 by wearehappy

[lifeisdifficult]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really appreciate it.

 

We are going to convert the dining room (which we never really use) into a separate room for me. I'm not sure if I will sleep there or not, but I plan to make it a 'me' room to meditate and relax.

 

Most importantly, I'm trying to eat a lot more in the morning and not just coffee and going straight to work. The past 2 weeks didn't go too well but I'm much more conscious about it at least. I think eating is a facet of the problem. I need to start buying my own food and not relying on him for what is really a basic component of life.

 

He is going away soon and I am going to completely clean out the fridge and take full control of my eating. When he gets back, my hope is that I don't slip back into old ways. To counteract this, I am going to try to go to the grocery store every day. This might seem like a waste of time (going every day) but I think it need to do it or else I will just sink back and rely on him again.

 

Regarding if I made up my mind or not... I'm still completely on the fence. He calls me from work every day to say how much he loves me. I know he is scared about the situation and that hurts. I'm scared about it too: thoughts of his absence are really crazy to think about.

 

So, still confused and unsure what to do.

 

My dad always tried to teach me about patience and let time sort things out. So I'm trying to change things I can (like focus on eating a good breakfast every morning and converting dining room) and hopefully my husband and I grow closer (or more apart -- happily). I'm just sick of being stuck where I am, which is no different than just being asleep throughout my life.

 

Anyways, I'm glad I have this place to share some of my thoughts in this difficult time. I enjoy reading your comments and different opinions. I think it helps me keep an open mind!

 

Take care