A messed up MM’s story

[William]

I certainly loved both women in my life. I should never have but I did. I had to choose one and let one go. I have a long road to walk on the path chosen. I wistfully wish the break up path was not littered with the vitriol it eventually ended up with.

 

New member, few posts, apparently the affair is over and in the past and the thread starter is also giving advice to others to end their affairs.

 

Reflecting that the new member hasn't been here in a few days and the focus of their story is looking to the future of their marriage, I'll move this to MLP and members can assist them in recovery. Thanks for your comments and remember no name-calling or derogatory remarks. That's not in the spirit, nor rules, of this forum.

[Overtaxed]

Thanks Overtaxed!

 

Most of us women do live and breath emotions and feelings, and love getting together with our girlfriends to chat about them for hours! We have a hard time then believing that most men are so very different about that. I added "Most" for both descriptions because I'm sure there are always exceptions, but those are by far the minority.

 

Our analysis of what a MM is doing based on our way of thinking and feeling leads to the obsession so many OW get thoroughly stuck in. It's said so many times but seems to be hard to accept by so many OW - look at what he's doing in order to figure out where you stand. As long as a MM stays married, it doesn't really matter anyway whether he loves the OW or not - he clearly does not love her enough, she's clearly not the priority in his life.

 

Bolded the important part. But you're dead on correct. I've NEVER gotten together with my guy friends to discuss feelings. Ever. Not for "hours" like you and your friends do (I assume regularly), not even for 10 seconds ever. Guys just don't talk like this. I have a good friend who just recently finished a D, we NEVER talked about how he felt, more about what his plans were moving forward, how the D was going, was he dating anyone.. Stuff like that. Never "are you hurting"; that kind of discussion would be totally out of place in a guy conversation, at least the kind of guy conversations I've been privy to in my 40+ years.

 

I'd go further than that honestly. It's not about staying married or not. It's putting you in the role of AP that shows he doesn't love you. As a guy, I would never put a woman I loved into the AP role, it's a terrible position for most women. It's not as bad, let me be clear, but it's similar to putting a woman in the role of prostitute/pimp. And men don't pimp out women they love, even though, of course, they claim "love" for all the girls they do it with, you just don't do that with women you love. Ever. I think about it this way, as a man, how would I feel if a woman I cared about was an OW to a married man? I'd be mad as hell at him, you don't "pimp out" women I care about! I'd be mad if someone did it to my Mom, did it to my cousin, or anyone else I cared about who's a woman. Putting a woman (or allowing her to put herself there, careful not to remove blame here) into the role of AP is terrible for her (as you can see from this board), and, when it blows up, it's almost 100% she's going to be dropped, hurt and seriously damaged from the experience. You don't do things like that to people you love, you just don't. If you love her, you put the relationship on hold and start a D, or, if you really can't control yourself, start a relationship with her and go home with D papers. You don't let her languish in the position of OW, in fact, you try to prevent it or change it immediately.

[Petofadiva]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am really struggling mentally. This might be my last post here.

 

I get how a lot of you including blues and ot tell me to just focus on my wife and move forward. I have been really trying till I have been regressing for the last few days..

 

I also don’t see how one Bucket can define us all men. I am outraged at how my relationship with the ow has been characterized as just for sex on the side.... but I brought this upon myself by posting here.

 

Yes- she was my best friend for years. Our relation was 95% emotional and 5% physical. It was not just about the sex- that was a small part of our relationship. No- she was not a conquest for me to brag about with my friends. Yes-I cried my heart out on many Occasions during our mutual brrakup decision. I still remember the last time when she was begging me to stay and I was crying holding on to her hands. The last time I cried before this was 10 years ago when my grandma passed. Yes- I am a coward for not following through and going all in with her. Yes- I am a coward for putting our kids’ future before our pleasure. Yes- I am a coward for hoping going back and making it work with our spouses would be the least damaging option for everyone. Yes- the guilt of going back on her and leaving her stranded will be something that I will take to my grave. And yes - it’s possible for some men to truly love their affair partners. If I wanted Sex I can pay for it. I wouldn’t pimp out my lover. The fact that we had a few physical encounters when I was not clear in my head exponentially increases my guilt.

 

 

What brings me immens comfort is to report that her husband seems to have made it back home. I pray to god that they give it a shot to make things work. I will stay the hell away from her and make it easy for her.

 

Every day that’s left I will try to make up to my wife.

 

Thanks all for being generous with your time

Edited June 9, 2018 by Petofadiva

[Petofadiva]

New member, few posts, apparently the affair is over and in the past and the thread starter is also giving advice to others to end their affairs.

 

Reflecting that the new member hasn't been here in a few days and the focus of their story is looking to the future of their marriage, I'll move this to MLP and members can assist them in recovery. Thanks for your comments and remember no name-calling or derogatory remarks. That's not in the spirit, nor rules, of this forum.

 

William please leave it in other man thread for a few more days if you can

[anika99]

OP, while I do agree that a man who truly loves a woman would not expect her to be an OW, your OW is simply not the victim that overtaxed has made her out to be.

 

She wasn't put into the role of OW, nor did she just passively allow herself to be put in that role. She is an adult married woman who actively chose her role as OW, just as you chose your role as the OM in her marriage. She knew that you're married and decided to selfishly cross that boundary just as you did. Neither you or her are victims here. The ones you were horribly wronged were your spouses. Your guilt and remorse needs to be directed at your family, not your OW.

 

If you seriously want to recover your marriage then you need to stop selfishly wallowing in self pity and guilty feelings for pain your OW may have and start focusing on your wife. Remember her? The one you actually betrayed? She's the one who should have your thoughts and your concern. Your OW is no innocent damsel in distress. She is a selfish woman who was only thinking of what she wanted with no regard for the pain it would cause others.

 

Part of recovering your marriage includes absolute no contact with the OW. That means no talking to her, no looking her up in social media, no talking about her to mutual friends or coworkers, no asking questions about her or trying to find out what's going on in her life. I say that because you still seem to know an awful lot about what is going on in her life. Why is that?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am really struggling mentally. This might be my last post here.

 

I get how a lot of you including blues and ot tell me to just focus on my wife and move forward. I have been really trying till I have been regressing for the last few days..

 

I also don’t see how one Bucket can define us all men. I am outraged at how my relationship with the ow has been characterized as just for sex on the side.... but I brought this upon myself by posting here.

 

Yes- she was my best friend for years. Our relation was 95% emotional and 5% physical. It was not just about the sex- that was a small part of our relationship. No- she was not a conquest for me to brag about with my friends. Yes-I cried my heart out on many Occasions during our mutual brrakup decision. I still remember the last time when she was begging me to stay and I was crying holding on to her hands. The last time I cried before this was 10 years ago when my grandma passed. Yes- I am a coward for not following through and going all in with her. Yes- I am a coward for putting our kids’ future before our pleasure. Yes- I am a coward for hoping going back and making it work with our spouses would be the least damaging option for everyone. Yes- the guilt of going back on her and leaving her stranded will be something that I will take to my grave. And yes - it’s possible for some men to truly love their affair partners. If I wanted Sex I can pay for it. I wouldn’t pimp out my lover. The fact that we had a few physical encounters when I was not clear in my head exponentially increases my guilt.

 

 

What brings me immens comfort is to report that her husband seems to have made it back home. I pray to god that they give it a shot to make things work. I will stay the hell away from her and make it easy for her.

 

Every day that’s left I will try to make up to my wife.

 

Thanks all for being generous with your time

 

Hello there. I'm not sure if you will come back to read this, I see they moved your thread here. As someone who recovered from being the OW, I can tell you that before you can concentrate on your wife (as everyone is saying), you need to get over the OW. You are seeing her at your job, so this process will not start until you are completely NC and never see each other again.

 

I am sure reading those words brings thoughts of great distress and agony into your mind and soul but it is the way is has to be. Even if you decide you can't take it, she deserves the chance to repair her own family. Since her husband returned, she may leave the job eliminating the choice for you.

 

I want to say that you are in the fog and it's all hormones, etc. but how do I really know. I cannot compare our situations as mine was not someone I would call a best friend. Five years is a long time and if the emotions run as deep as you say, all the more better you cut all ties now so each of you can figure out separately what you want.

 

To give you an idea of the time it takes, and you can read it here in threads if you stick around, it takes 3-5 years after Dday to fix a marriage. Mine was in 2015 and it's 2018 and I'm better, we are better. But it did not start still we had complete NC and that took till end of 2016. Like you and everyone else, I thought I could control it. You can't.

 

I will say though, your feelings....they are more serious that the typical guy. But again, it's hard to tell until you have distance. You would be shocked to see how you may feel a year from now.

[adna89]

this woman sounds to me like a potentional psycho,she might hurt your wife or you

 

ok i know this is off topic,but how she handled the whole situation doesnt show any sane person.

[pepperbird]

Op,

I know you want to make it up to your wife, but the simple truth is you can't.

 

 

What you can do is find a way to make her glad every day you you and she made the decision to stay together.

[Petofadiva]

Now it’s gotten downright hostile at work.

 

I get asked by the ow on when I will quit my job since she doesnt want to be around me anymore. Then a list of frivolous complaints about me and my team.

 

Urggh