Does it mean anything after the fact?

[Fair]

I guess only time will tell, but I asked my 'almost boyfriend' why he never asks me any questions about myself. Or why he doesn't tell me much of anything about himself.

 

All I got was the usual offer to tell him anything I want, anytime I want. That's hardly the same as being ASKED because they want to know.... then he followed up with a bunch of assurances he'll try harder. I get the feeling he's not really getting me, though, or hearing me. We're still chatting on FB... shallow conversations. He said he's giving me space due to my anxiety and wants to put no pressure on a meeting. I appreciate that, but does that mean he can't express interest in WHO I AM? NOW?

 

All through my battle with anxiety... going on to a full 8 months... I've had no one to talk to or lean on... tonight I just got sick of all the virtual hearts and flowers and just asked him why we're not having any real conversations... I can' only bottle up my feelings for so long.

 

Should I have said anything? We're not dating yet, though the cards are in the future... But we've been chatting regularly since .. what? Jan or Feb I can't remember. And the whole time I've still been feeling lonely due to lack of any depth to our conversations. I've had no one checking in on me, and wanted more effort from him.... which may or may not be fair. But my feelings are valid. I need more than just shallowness... I need deeper connections.... but don't want to have to ask for them. I want people to show they care of their own volition.

 

We're still on good terms but I have no idea what to expect next. I think he really likes me... but I can't believe him when he says he cares as much as he says he does when he asks no questions... so I had to ask why not. Maybe I shouldn't have, though. We're not dating... yet he expresses constant desire and appreciation for me being in his life as much as I'm able to right now due to my trouble with anxiety.

 

Do you think there's anything really worthwhile between us? Am I overreacting, or should his lack of in depth questions at this point be considered a red flag?

 

I know I'll get the usual comments about how I shouldn't be thinking of dating at this point, but I don't want to get rid of the only person who stuck by me at all through my ordeal. And when I get better, not before, I would like to date him and see where it goes. I just don't get the lack of him wanting to know anything about me, right now, if he cares as much as he claims.

Edited June 5, 2018 by Fair

[PegNosePete]

You're getting emotionally connected to a guy you haven't even met yet? You're building this up WAY too much.

 

Just meet. If you like him, meet again. If not, don't.

 

Seems to me you're looking for a support network but this guy is not it. In fact no single guy can be your support network. That doesn't mean you can't date him or he can't be a boyfriend. I think you're expecting a bit much to be honest, especially from someone you've never even met yet!

[Fair]

You're getting emotionally connected to a guy you haven't even met yet? You're building this up WAY too much.

 

Just meet. If you like him, meet again. If not, don't.

 

Seems to me you're looking for a support network but this guy is not it. In fact no single guy can be your support network. That doesn't mean you can't date him or he can't be a boyfriend. I think you're expecting a bit much to be honest, especially from someone you've never even met yet!

 

The only thing I agree with is that no one guy can be my support system. But he's no support system at all.

 

I don't know that I'm getting emotionally connected to anyone, or just getting fed up with everyone. No one really cares how another person feels, what they're going through... etc. They just want something from you.

 

Speaking of getting emotionally involved... he's practically said he's in love with me on more than one occasion... yet he can't ask me who I am..

[PegNosePete]

No one really cares how another person feels, what they're going through... etc.

Like I said. You're expecting WAY too much from someone you've never met.

 

he's practically said he's in love with me on more than one occasion...

So he's too emotionally connected to you, too. Either that or spinning you a line.

 

In my opinion your expectations are not realistic, and this is why you're getting fed up with everyone. Because no-one can match your unrealistic expectations. Relationships take hard work and time to develop and that means real life, not some internet friendship which feels real because you've built him up to be something he's not...

[Chilli]

Hah you get the feeling huh .

But nope, afraid not , all they know over that way as far as l can see is about attractiveness and sex, he don't giva fk who you are that's all he needs to want you in his life, apparently.

 

Sorry but basically the guy just doesn't have a personality , he's just as above. Or to put it another way it's as you mentioned, no depth , so nice to see somebody use that word around here and want more to btw.

Maybe you can train him or survive on what personality he does have , in time.

Edited June 5, 2018 by Chilli

[Fair]

Like I said. You're expecting WAY too much from someone you've never met.

 

 

So he's too emotionally connected to you, too. Either that or spinning you a line.

 

In my opinion your expectations are not realistic, and this is why you're getting fed up with everyone. Because no-one can match your unrealistic expectations. Relationships take hard work and time to develop and that means real life, not some internet friendship which feels real because you've built him up to be something he's not...

 

Yes, that's exactly it. I think he's spinning me a line...

 

I don't think I'm expecting 'too much' of someone to be a FRIEND. That's all I ever asked of him, whereas he's been asking for more in no uncertain terms, when I'm 'better.' So then why doesn't he care who I am?

[Fair]

Hah you get the feeling huh .

But nope, afraid not , all they know over that way as far as l can see is about attractiveness and sex, he don't giva fk who you are that's all he needs to want you in his life, apparently.

 

Sorry but basically the guy just doesn't have a personality , he's just as above. Or to put it another way it's as you mentioned, no depth , so nice to see somebody use that word around here and want more to btw.

Maybe you can train him or survive on what personality he does have , in time.

 

I agree with this. I don't even know how he spends his days, he doesn't see fit to tell me. We live in the same town and HAVE come face to face actually many times before he friended me on FB. But I don't know what's going on at all in his life. He has a way of answering the most direct questions in the most shallow, uninformative way possible.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, that's exactly it. I think he's spinning me a line...

So why carry on talking to him?

 

he's been asking for more in no uncertain terms, when I'm 'better.' So then why doesn't he care who I am?

Probably he figures you've friend-zoned him and his chances of getting more are very low, so he's not bothering to invest much effort.

[Logo]

It’s quite possible that he has no depth.

 

Personally, I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not the “only one”. I’m sorry. But he’s not fully emotionally invested, it seems. But I could be wrong and he simply lacks depth.

[basil67]

Yes, that's exactly it. I think he's spinning me a line...

 

I don't think I'm expecting 'too much' of someone to be a FRIEND. That's all I ever asked of him, whereas he's been asking for more in no uncertain terms, when I'm 'better.' So then why doesn't he care who I am?

 

It's a standard rule of thumb that guys don't want to be our "friends". That's what mates are for. We of the fairer gender are there to be girlfriends. So it's completely normal that he doesn't see himself as a 'friend' to you.

 

Not everyone asks lots of personal questions. My hubby doesn't. But I know he loves me dearly. And when I offer up information (as I do frequently), he listens and responds accordingly....unlike some who glaze over and take the conversation straight back to themselves.

 

So this guy, does he listen when you offer up info about yourself and how you feel? Or is he the guy who doesn't know how to respond and goes back to talking about himself?

[gaius]

I care about how my fiance feels, if she has a problem I'd like to hear it and see if I can offer any advice or comfort. But she's also not a never-ending stream of complaints about her life and situation. She gives many things of value back to me.

 

Right now you seem stuck in a place that's very self focused, with little to no regard of others needs. Which is probably why nobody feels like supporting you. Nobody wants to sit there and listen to endless complaining and negativity while getting nothing in return. That's probably why he's learned to avoid conversations about your personal life.

[Shining One]

They just want something from you.

It's not wrong to want a mutually-fulfilling relationship.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I need more than just shallowness... I need deeper connections.... but don't want to have to ask for them. I want people to show they care of their own volition.

 

 

Not everyone is capable of this level of connection. He may be one of them.

[d0nnivain]

You are totally misplacing responsibility for your unhappiness & anxiety. This is some guy you have never met. He has zero obligations to you. If you don't like his communications style stop talking to him.

 

You said that he's giving you space because of your anxiety but now you are annoyed because he's not pressing hard enough to get to know you. Totally not fair. He's at arm's length to accommodate you & you're pissy about it.

 

He has said he wants more as in a relationship but you keep demanding this "friends first" get to know you thing. That is not how men work. They are interested in getting to know women through dating them not some platonic friends first BS. This guy is showing you he cares by trying to meet & trying to have something more then a friendship.

 

If you are not ready to date, stop talking to men. Get a handle on your anxiety. Until you fix yourself you won't be a fit partner & you will repeat these types of unhappy, frustrating patterns over & over.

[Fair]

Not everyone asks lots of personal questions. My hubby doesn't.

 

See, I wouldn't be able to stand a relationship like this. Or even a friendship, not especially at a time like this when I feel isolated already.

 

People like this have a way of making me feel worse even if they say they'll be there for me if I need it. They're the kind of people who make me happier to be alone. I need someone to take an active interest in my life.

 

If I feel like someone is barely interested, I don't see how they'd make either a good friend or partner. This guy has blown his chances.

[Fair]

It's not wrong to want a mutually-fulfilling relationship.

 

Apparently just for the guy, though. What about me?

[Fair]

Like I said. You're expecting WAY too much from someone you've never met.

 

 

Relationships take hard work and time to develop and that means real life, not some internet friendship which feels real because you've built him up to be something he's not...

 

This happens to be exactly how I feel. All anyone wants to do is text, if you leave fb you leave your whole social life online these days. I hate having to rely on fb just to have connections with people who literally WON'T have anything to do with you in real life.

 

I've always hated fb and text messaging. I don't own a cell but no one wants a phone call they only want texts. The problem is not that I'm unrealistic, it's partly due to the fact that other people live in a fantasy behind their computers and won't come out. This guy has turned me into a fantasy and doesn't care about the real me. So it's the other way around.

[stillafool]

The only thing I agree with is that no one guy can be my support system. But he's no support system at all.

 

I don't know that I'm getting emotionally connected to anyone, or just getting fed up with everyone. No one really cares how another person feels, what they're going through... etc. They just want something from you.

 

Speaking of getting emotionally involved... he's practically said he's in love with me on more than one occasion... yet he can't ask me who I am..

 

Open up the conversation and tell him who you are. People are not mind readers.

[Shining One]

Apparently just for the guy, though. What about me?

You want more emotional investment on his part. He wants to actually spend time with you in person. Neither of you is meeting the other's wants here. An expression comes to mind: "You have to give a little to get a little."

 

Personally, I would severely limit my emotional investment in any woman I haven't been on dates with. In my younger days, I allowed myself to build "connections" with women on another computer. It always ended in disappointment.

The problem is not that I'm unrealistic, it's partly due to the fact that other people live in a fantasy behind their computers and won't come out.

I'm confused. I thought you were the one who didn't want to come out. Are you saying you want to go out and this guy does not?

[d0nnivain]

People like this have a way of making me feel worse even if they say they'll be there for me if I need it. They're the kind of people who make me happier to be alone. I need someone to take an active interest in my life.

 

If I feel like someone is barely interested, I don't see how they'd make either a good friend or partner. This guy has blown his chances.

 

That's fine. If he's blown his chances, he's blown his chances. Stop wasting time on him.

 

However, you have to recognize that people have different communications styles & sometimes you have to meet them half way. Adults don't do "friends first." You have to go on the dates, not just talk over text, IM, or the phone. Show up in person so you can assess the true measure of a person. A meeting is not a commitment. Some coffee, a drink or even a meal is not a relationship. A date is a meeting, nothing more. Stop imbuing it with too much meaning. It's a chance to see if the other person is somebody you want to get to know better. Honestly I think that is what you are looking for; somebody who will go slow, get to know you & not pressure you for sex before you are ready. All that is fine but it's called dating. It is not friendship. When you misuse the word friendship the guy hears platonic & thinks there is no chance for romance. Change your vocabulary & things may open up.

[Fair]

Adults don't do "friends first."

 

This is crazy!

[basil67]

This happens to be exactly how I feel. All anyone wants to do is text, if you leave fb you leave your whole social life online these days. I hate having to rely on fb just to have connections with people who literally WON'T have anything to do with you in real life.

 

I've always hated fb and text messaging. I don't own a cell but no one wants a phone call they only want texts. The problem is not that I'm unrealistic, it's partly due to the fact that other people live in a fantasy behind their computers and won't come out. This guy has turned me into a fantasy and doesn't care about the real me. So it's the other way around.

 

Given that you have been talking to him online, you are as guilty as anyone else for living a fantasy behind your computer. But now you're seeing that a connection from behind a screen is not real. Good for you. Make a date to meet him and see how the conversation flows in real life.

 

Thing is, you really don't know each other until you start spending real life time together.

[basil67]

See, I wouldn't be able to stand a relationship like this. Or even a friendship, not especially at a time like this when I feel isolated already.

 

People like this have a way of making me feel worse even if they say they'll be there for me if I need it. They're the kind of people who make me happier to be alone. I need someone to take an active interest in my life.

 

If I feel like someone is barely interested, I don't see how they'd make either a good friend or partner. This guy has blown his chances.

 

And despite having a husband who doesn't ask loads of questions, I still have a loving, mutually supportive relationship. There's more to a relationship than asking questions. And there's more than one way to have a good relationship.

[Fair]

And despite having a husband who doesn't ask loads of questions, I still have a loving, mutually supportive relationship. There's more to a relationship than asking questions. And there's more than one way to have a good relationship.

 

To each their own, but this would not be for me. Or for a lot of others... we're not all the same.

[Fair]

Given that you have been talking to him online, you are as guilty as anyone else for living a fantasy behind your computer. But now you're seeing that a connection from behind a screen is not real. Good for you. Make a date to meet him and see how the conversation flows in real life.

 

Thing is, you really don't know each other until you start spending real life time together.

 

I have anxiety, as I've stated in other posts, an ongoing problem that's lasted for 8 months. I'm not dating, yet.

 

I don't see how I'm living in a fantasy world, to want to chat with someone online while I'm convalescing, hoping it'll be a tad more in depth than someone repeatedly saying I'm beautiful. I don't have a support system, and nowadays, it's like you're being completely unreasonable to want a friend you can actually communicate with even if for the time being, it's only got to be online. I'd rather it was the phone, or face to face, but so far all we've had are the fb chats.

 

Just because it's a text message, however, doesn't mean it has to be shallow... no questions... no substance. It's not what you want especially if someone says they're interested in you and then don't show any signs of it. I just don't understand people, and they don't understand me. And it's not being understood that causes me the most frustration. You can practically yell into someone's face that you're struggling... you need support... they'll hear you. But they won't comprehend what that means.

 

It's like the people you see online all the time who can listen to a two minute video on youtube and still misinterpret the entire thing in the user comments.

Edited June 5, 2018 by Fair