Does it mean anything after the fact?

[Fair]

Plus if there's no transparency at all on his part, how can I be sure he's not playing me... he's never home. It's quite probable he's dating someone else. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people trying to make a fool of me.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have anxiety, as I've stated in other posts, an ongoing problem that's lasted for 8 months. I'm not dating, yet.

 

I don't see how I'm living in a fantasy world, to want to chat with someone online while I'm convalescing, hoping it'll be a tad more in depth than someone repeatedly saying I'm beautiful. I don't have a support system, and nowadays, it's like you're being completely unreasonable to want a friend you can actually communicate with even if for the time being, it's only got to be online. I'd rather it was the phone, or face to face, but so far all we've had are the fb chats.

 

Just because it's a text message, however, doesn't mean it has to be shallow... no questions... no substance. It's not what you want especially if someone says they're interested in you and then don't show any signs of it. I just don't understand people, and they don't understand me. And it's not being understood that causes me the most frustration. You can practically yell into someone's face that you're struggling... you need support... they'll hear you. But they won't comprehend what that means.

 

It's like the people you see online all the time who can listen to a two minute video on youtube and still misinterpret the entire thing in the user comments.

 

But if you are putting off a vibe that you have issues(you may be surprised at how well people pick up on things), then how can you judge how someone would or wouldn't handle that? Most can't and just fumble it or run away as fast as they can...

 

I mean, who knows? Maybe he finds you attractive, but is giving you a w-i-d-e berth because he senses those issues...So maybe that's why he isn't opening up...Maybe he's taking it slowly to see if things get calm...

 

Again, I don't know..

 

About all I can say is that trying to find understanding and caring support from strangers is most often an exercise in futility...That's the type of thing that you lean on family and very close friends for...

 

I sincerely hope things get better..

 

TFY

[BaileyB]

See, I wouldn't be able to stand a relationship like this. Or even a friendship, not especially at a time like this when I feel isolated already.

 

People like this have a way of making me feel worse even if they say they'll be there for me if I need it. They're the kind of people who make me happier to be alone. I need someone to take an active interest in my life.

 

Not everyone is capable of these kind of deeper conversations. My boyfriend is not usually comfortable with deep and emotional conversations. And that's ok. As Basil says, he is very loving and affectionate, kind and considerate, there are many other things that I enjoy about our relationship...

 

I've come to understand, deep emotional conversations are what my girlfriends are for...

 

But the bottom line, the men we date, the girlfriends that we have, are just that... they are companions and friends, not therapists. And as such, it's important to be careful about what we expect sometimes from people.

Edited June 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[Shining One]

I don't have a support system, and nowadays, it's like you're being completely unreasonable to want a friend you can actually communicate with even if for the time being, it's only got to be online. I'd rather it was the phone, or face to face, but so far all we've had are the fb chats.

It's not unreasonable to want a friend for these situations. I have several friends I would be there for and vice versa. However, those are all established, mutually-fulfilling friendships. It is unreasonable to expect this level of support from a man you're deliberately keeping at arm's length.

Plus if there's no transparency at all on his part, how can I be sure he's not playing me... he's never home. It's quite probable he's dating someone else. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people trying to make a fool of me.

You can't be sure. Just like he can't be sure you're not playing him.

[grays]

Plus if there's no transparency at all on his part, how can I be sure he's not playing me... he's never home. It's quite probable he's dating someone else. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people trying to make a fool of me.

 

Are you thinking he should be faithful to yoh? Have you guys talked about being exclusive? Have you spent time together in person since the beginning of this "relationship"?

[Logo]

Not everyone is capable of these kind of deeper conversations. My boyfriend is not usually comfortable with deep and emotional conversations. And that's ok. As Basil says, he is very loving and affectionate, kind and considerate, there are many other things that I enjoy about our relationship...

 

I've come to understand, deep emotional conversations are what my girlfriends are for...

 

But the bottom line, the men we date, the girlfriends that we have, are just that... they are companions and friends, not therapists. And as such, it's important to be careful about what we expect sometimes from people.

 

My understanding of a healthy relationship seems to be different from yours and your understanding of a healthy relationship seems to be different from mine. And that's ok. But, here's how I feel about the issue:

 

1. If two people who are supposedly in a romantic relationship together can't open up to each other on an emotional level, however deep, in order to better communicate, then something is wrong. What's the point of having deep emotional conversations with your girlfriends about YOUR relationship, when they are not the ones in the relationship, and don't know the full story no matter how much you tell them? What....For advice? Gossip? Support?

 

Shouldn't it be between the two people who need to better understand one another and communicate with one another because THEY are the ones who are together, not the girlfriends and not his buddies?

 

2. Girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends forever, whatever it is, I make sure that my relationships with the people around me are deep and meaningful.

 

Having "friends" who are only there for entertainment, well those aren't real friends in my opinion. Quality over quantity.

 

Having a girlfriend with whom I can only go places, cuddle, watch TV, have sex and tease, well, that's not a real girlfriend.

 

I want to be with someone who brings out the best in me and vice versa. I want to be with someone who can look me in the eyes and know exactly how I feel and vice versa. It's called a "connection" for a reason. You used the word "companion". I use the word "partner".

 

But then again, who am I kidding. We live in a culture that nurtures superficiality. "Oh that's too intense." "Oh that's too deep". "Oh you're too serious."

 

Again, women keep talking about how they want society to treat them as equals, but they can't bring themselves to expect their life partner to be emotionally supportive enough.

 

And the men who can't bring themselves to open up about their emotions have serious confidence issues. Sure, tough guy, stay macho. That's very emotionally mature.

 

Let's not forget the women who lose respect for their boyfriend or husband the minute he opens up to them about his emotions.

 

Pfff.......

Edited June 6, 2018 by Logo

[PegNosePete]

I hate having to rely on fb just to have connections with people who literally WON'T have anything to do with you in real life.

I don't see how I'm living in a fantasy world, to want to chat with someone online while I'm convalescing

I'm really confused here. Can't you see how you're totally contradicting yourself? You're complaining that people don't want to get to know you in person, yet making excuses for not meeting him in person. You are doing exactly what you accuse everyone else of doing.

 

People don't want an in-depth conversation with someone they've never met. They want in-depth conversations with people they know well. You're never going to get to know someone well over facebook. If you want in-depth conversations you need to build up a friendship in real life, which takes time.

 

it's like you're being completely unreasonable to want a friend you can actually communicate with even if for the time being, it's only got to be online. I'd rather it was the phone, or face to face, but so far all we've had are the fb chats.

...? Compare this with the above. You contradict yourself totally. You say you want a phone or face to face conversation but you want to chat online while you're convalescing. Well which is it??

 

Either way, this guy is not the one for you. You need to unfriend him and move on. He is never going to give you what you're looking for.

Edited June 6, 2018 by PegNosePete

[BaileyB]

My understanding of a healthy relationship seems to be different from yours and your understanding of a healthy relationship seems to be different from mine. And that's ok. But, here's how I feel about the issue:

 

1. If two people who are supposedly in a romantic relationship together can't open up to each other on an emotional level, however deep, in order to better communicate, then something is wrong. What's the point of having deep emotional conversations with your girlfriends about YOUR relationship, when they are not the ones in the relationship, and don't know the full story no matter how much you tell them? What....For advice? Gossip? Support?

 

Shouldn't it be between the two people who need to better understand one another and communicate with one another because THEY are the ones who are together, not the girlfriends and not his buddies?

 

I want to be with someone who brings out the best in me and vice versa. I want to be with someone who can look me in the eyes and know exactly how I feel and vice versa. It's called a "connection" for a reason. You used the word "companion". I use the word "partner".

 

Again, women keep talking about how they want society to treat them as equals, but they can't bring themselves to expect their life partner to be emotionally supportive enough.

 

Let's not forget the women who lose respect for their boyfriend or husband the minute he opens up to them about his emotions...

 

Well, you've made a lot of assumptions in that post, none of which are really correct.

 

First, I don't talk to my girlfriends about my relationship. I talk to my partner about my relationship. I talk to my girlfriends about life - work, family, dreams, fears, movies, etc... as girlfriends do. I put a little at the end of the comment about my girlfriends, because it was meant to be a little tongue in cheek.

 

Also, I certainly can open up to my partner and have deep emotional conversations. It is simply not his comfort or his interest. That's all I'm saying.

 

I most certainly do not lose respect for my partner when he opens up about his emotions... In fact, I wish he would do it more often.

 

With my post, I was mearly offering the thought for OP that perhaps, she is expecting too much from this man. Also, one person doesn't have to check off all the boxes. They won't check of all the boxes. Different relationships meet different needs. And, if emotional support is something important to her, there are other sources of support and counselling.

Edited June 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Plus if there's no transparency at all on his part, how can I be sure he's not playing me... he's never home. It's quite probable he's dating someone else. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people trying to make a fool of me.

 

It sounds like this guy is simply not compatible with you. Why are you forcing it and you've never even met? If he's not meeting your needs (excess, deep, soul bearing, highly intuitive conversation, but not in person) then you need to find a friend who enjoys that type of communication. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole.

Edited June 6, 2018 by stillafool

[Chilli]

But really , just because he seems like he's never home or busy , who knows anything these days with all the rules and games all over the net replying, seem aloof don't be needy bla bla bla.

Could be sitting by the phone trying to be clever.

 

Surprised he hasn't asked to at least call though.

Some people are hopeless text or messages but totally different people in person or phone.

If it's still on , try some calls.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Chilli

[Fair]

 

...? Compare this with the above. You contradict yourself totally. You say you want a phone or face to face conversation but you want to chat online while you're convalescing. Well which is it??

 

Either way, this guy is not the one for you. You need to unfriend him and move on. He is never going to give you what you're looking for.

 

I'm not contradicting myself. Just said online is the only means of conversation that's been available to me at the moment. And anxiety means I'm not dating. Anyone. Yet.

 

I don't want 'soul baring' conversations, either. But not so shallow as being told I'm beautiful twenty times a day and that's it. If someone is 'interested' in me, I expect them to show an interest in who I am, not just the way I look. It has nothing to do with spilling our guts to each other. But what's wrong with asking a few get to know who the hell you are, questions? Nothing. I never expected that. See, people nowadays think it's like giving blood to be solicitous enough to ask a few polite questions... when in reality... it's only being polite. It's only showing you're not just trying to get more than sex.

[Fair]

My understanding of a healthy relationship seems to be different from yours and your understanding of a healthy relationship seems to be different from mine. And that's ok. But, here's how I feel about the issue:

 

1. If two people who are supposedly in a romantic relationship together can't open up to each other on an emotional level, however deep, in order to better communicate, then something is wrong. What's the point of having deep emotional conversations with your girlfriends about YOUR relationship, when they are not the ones in the relationship, and don't know the full story no matter how much you tell them? What....For advice? Gossip? Support?

 

Shouldn't it be between the two people who need to better understand one another and communicate with one another because THEY are the ones who are together, not the girlfriends and not his buddies?

 

2. Girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends forever, whatever it is, I make sure that my relationships with the people around me are deep and meaningful.

 

Having "friends" who are only there for entertainment, well those aren't real friends in my opinion. Quality over quantity.

 

Having a girlfriend with whom I can only go places, cuddle, watch TV, have sex and tease, well, that's not a real girlfriend.

 

I want to be with someone who brings out the best in me and vice versa. I want to be with someone who can look me in the eyes and know exactly how I feel and vice versa. It's called a "connection" for a reason. You used the word "companion". I use the word "partner".

 

But then again, who am I kidding. We live in a culture that nurtures superficiality. "Oh that's too intense." "Oh that's too deep". "Oh you're too serious."

 

Again, women keep talking about how they want society to treat them as equals, but they can't bring themselves to expect their life partner to be emotionally supportive enough.

 

And the men who can't bring themselves to open up about their emotions have serious confidence issues. Sure, tough guy, stay macho. That's very emotionally mature.

 

Let's not forget the women who lose respect for their boyfriend or husband the minute he opens up to them about his emotions.

 

Pfff.......

 

I agree with all this. This entire thread has been filled with comments about me being a bad person, basically, for wanting to feel some depth from the people I encounter. I never asked the guy to bare his soul to me, just to show he has some potential as a possible partner in the future. To show SOME interest in me that goes beyond looks. But everything has to be as shallow as possible these days. How dare I?

 

It's like those memes people are always posting on FB that go something like... I may not ever see my friends but I know they're there like the stars in the night sky... type of b.s. I mean, if you never see or ever hear from a friend who is on their phone 24/7... that's not a friend. It's barely an acquaintance.

[BaileyB]

If someone is 'interested' in me, I expect them to show an interest in who I am, not just the way I look. But what's wrong with asking a few get to know who the hell you are, questions? Nothing.

 

You should expect that any man you are "dating" will want to get to know more about you. And to do that, he should be asking a few questions.

 

If he is not doing that, but rather throwing out vague and rather insensere compliments (I say this only because, he has not even met you yet in person), then that is a BIG red flag. Either, he wants sex or he has very poor social skills.

[Fair]

UPDATE: Discovered today this guy has been 'put up' to being my 'friend' by a female friend who lives around here also. I phoned her today and found out... it's a long, complicated story really, but now I know they've been discussing me behind my back without either one having mentioned it to me before...

 

I'm not sure how I should feel about this. How much else has he been telling her about our fb chats? I feel uncomfortable, because he's been flirting with me and I've been eating it up like an idiot. I feel like I've been betrayed, somehow... because now I know he's been running back to her to report what he's done for me, obviously, such as fixing the holes in my deck. And even some of the things I said to him on fb.

 

Is this grounds for getting rid of this guy? I feel angry. Embarrassed... I don't know now how detailed their chats have been about me have gotten and why he's been keeping her posted on everything while lying to me by omission. And I don't like the 'behind the back' business where I'm being talked about on the sly. What is this guy's agenda?

[stillafool]

Yes stop talking to him because you feel betrayed and also because you feel he is not interested in you on a deeper level. Don't waste anymore of your time or his.

[Fair]

Yes stop talking to him because you feel betrayed and also because you feel he is not interested in you on a deeper level. Don't waste anymore of your time or his.

 

The only one whose been wasting someone's time, is HIM.

[Shining One]

I feel like I've been betrayed, somehow... because now I know he's been running back to her to report what he's done for me, obviously, such as fixing the holes in my deck.

I'm confused. I thought you two haven't been meeting. How did he fix the holes in your deck if he hasn't been to your place?