She hates plans changing

[Dad_of_2]

I have 2 kids ages 11 and 14 and they live mostly with my ex-wife. She hasn't been able to maintain a stable residence, despite lots of support from me (1K/month), and I'm in the process of going to court for a significant increase in their time with me - which is another story. My problem is with my girlfriend. Since my ex can't plan anything or notify me when changes occur, my life tends to be in a constant state of disruption. Sometimes the kids will come over after school without notice. At first, this was ok with me because I have an open door policy with them - unplanned time with them doesn't bother me, in fact I enjoy them being here as often as possible - it's more like home when they are here. This is a major problem with my girlfriend. Everything she does is planned and if the kids show up (unannounced) when she is here she gets upset. She gets upset to the point where she just leaves. She likes the kids just fine - she even loves them. But the combination of my ex's inability to plan or notify me and my girlfriend's inability to be flexible makes things very difficult. I've asked my ex to be more considerate in this area and she has tried but some unplanned events are guaranteed no matter what - it just goes with having kids. I'm almost at the point of ending my relationship with my girlfriend over this. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Tony T]

I wasn't very good with mathematics in school but this one seems rather easy.

 

1. Your girlfriend has a major problem with events that aren't planned. -Your words

 

2. Unplanned events are guaranteed, no matter what, when it comes to kids. -Your words

 

3. You are planning on going to court soon to ask for a significant increase in your kids' time with you. -Your words.

 

4. Your girlfriend's inability to be flexible indicates she will have a very difficult time dealing with your kids once you have them more ofen. This is implied since she has difficulty being flexible with their behavior now.

 

1+2+3+4= Dump your current girlfriend and find a lady who is more understanding, more flexible, less selfish and who is more capable of tolerating the volatility of children's behavior and timing.

 

You really have no choice. Your children and any subsequent children you might possibly have with this lady would be miserable around someone with her disposition.

 

I think sooner or later you will find other aspects of her rather rigid personality difficult to deal with.

[Miss Mojo]

your current girlfriend really should be a lot more understanding here.

 

for starters, these are your children you are talking about. you should be able to have them come over whenever you want, just like you do. they are obviously a priority in your life, and it just doesn't seem that your current girlfriend is understanding enough, or flexible enough with this.

 

children will generally be disruptive in an adults life...it goes with the territory, just like you said. but it's a welcome disruption and a joyous one. i think your girlfriend is being a tad immature about this....my guess is she does not have any children of her own, and i would also go so far as to say she may be a bit jealous of the relationship you have with them.

 

my first boyfriend had a child from a previous relationship, and i thought his child was great. i understood that there would be times our routine would be disrupted....sometimes we'd make plans and he would cancel to be with his child, sometimes we'd take the child with us and even then (at 19 years old!!) i understood that there would be no intimacy with his child around....sometimes he would spend time with his kid out of the blue. it didn't bother me at all, because i knew (probably from my own upbringing), that his child was his first priority.

 

you have tried to find a common ground by asking your ex wife to be more considerate, because you also have another person in your life now. what you've done is fair. what your girlfriend is doing is not fair.

 

i think she needs to calm down a bit and be grateful that she has a boyfriend who has his priorities straight. she entered into this relationship with you knowing full-well you have children, and she's the one that needs to be more accommodating here, not you.

 

i hope for your sake she can stop being so selfish about it. if she can't, give her the boot, because there are many girls out there who understand that a parent spending time with their kid(s), is a number one priority to them.

 

good luck

[Dad_of_2]

Thanks Tony and Miss Mojo - I appreciate your responses very much.

your current girlfriend really should be a lot more understanding here. for starters, these are your children you are talking about. you should be able to have them come over whenever you want, just like you do. they are obviously a priority in your life, and it just doesn't seem that your current girlfriend is understanding enough, or flexible enough with this. children will generally be disruptive in an adults life...it goes with the territory, just like you said. but it's a welcome disruption and a joyous one. i think your girlfriend is being a tad immature about this....my guess is she does not have any children of her own, and i would also go so far as to say she may be a bit jealous of the relationship you have with them. my first boyfriend had a child from a previous relationship, and i thought his child was great. i understood that there would be times our routine would be disrupted....sometimes we'd make plans and he would cancel to be with his child, sometimes we'd take the child with us and even then (at 19 years old!!) i understood that there would be no intimacy with his child around....sometimes he would spend time with his kid out of the blue. it didn't bother me at all, because i knew (probably from my own upbringing), that his child was his first priority. you have tried to find a common ground by asking your ex wife to be more considerate, because you also have another person in your life now. what you've done is fair. what your girlfriend is doing is not fair. i think she needs to calm down a bit and be grateful that she has a boyfriend who has his priorities straight. she entered into this relationship with you knowing full-well you have children, and she's the one that needs to be more accommodating here, not you. i hope for your sake she can stop being so selfish about it. if she can't, give her the boot, because there are many girls out there who understand that a parent spending time with their kid(s), is a number one priority to them. good luck

[Miss Mojo]

....i sincerely hope this all works out for you. i'm sure it will

Thanks Tony and Miss Mojo - I appreciate your responses very much.